A lot of us have fetishes. Freud says it’s fine, most of them are harmless. Some of us are breast men, some of us leg men. Some folks can only do it in a certain position, or they might like high heels. Sometimes, however, a fetish can get out of hand. When it becomes all consuming or the only way a person can have an orgasm then, psychiatrists tell us, we have a problem. Your innocent foot fetish has suddenly become the insatiable desire to keep other people’s toenail clippings in a jar beside your bed.

This, friends, is what has happened to Vince McMahon. Some people claim to be ass men, but Vince is literally an ass man (I wonder whose idea “Mr. Ass” was). It probably started out really simple. “Hey Linda,” Vince would say, back when they were both still young, “why don’t you give me just a little spanky?” Soon, of course, as if often the case with these things, a little didn’t do it, so a little got more and more. They were dressing in leather (LOD anyone?), Linda held a cat-o-nine tails firmly in her hand, and wailed away.

But then one night, when Linda had beat him just a little too much, and the pain was too unbearable, when Mr. McMahon’s ass was beaten raw (again, you can see almost every gimmick, and even the name of the shows RAW, SMACKDOWN, all go back to Vince’s fetish) Linda made the worst mistake of her life. She asked her husband if he’d like momma to kiss his boo boo and make it all better. It was like a revelation. If Linda kissing his ass felt so damn good, made him feel as if he was powerful, imagine what it would be like if other people literally kissed his ass. Grown men, powerful men, wrestling champions.

This Monday night, it ended where these sorts of sexual perversions always end. With a midget*. Can we just start calling HBK Mr. Ass Chaps and get it over with?

An now, briefly on to other news. I can’t believe they are mixing two of my favorite things—wrestling and Project Runway!!! Jesus, who am I kidding? I freakin’ hate Project Runway.

Also, did anyone else notice that when Vince dropped his pants that he looked like the sort of man who would have cankles?

Finally, do all wrestlers have lawyers who look over all of their contracts? Does Boogeyman have a lawyer? Does all of this contract signing and lawyer interaction go on backstage? How in the hell do they get the contracts signed so quickly for those spur of the moment matches? I just have so many questions. Come someone, please, answer them for me.

Oh yeah, there was also arm wrestling. Over the top, man! Over the top!