Uncle Ralph's ECW Report: Christian Defends The Title Against An Adorable Widdle Guy Named Yoshi

Uncle Ralph's ECW Report: Christian Defends The Title Against An Adorable Widdle Guy Named Yoshi

Yo. It's every writer's incentive not to take a week off - me. Uncle Ralph. RD Lee isn't here so I am. He's off letting the neighborhood kids play with his joystick. You heard me right. They all call him Sonic because he has wild adventures with his Knuckles.

So everyone is all giddy over Hulk Hogan going to TNA. People want to pay top dollar for that? There's a bald guy down the block from me with a limp who'll fight homeless people in the neighborhood for three bucks and a can of Red Bull. Same diff. Maybe I'm just cynical. I'm not really sure what cynical means. I'm guessing it means hungry because I'm pretty damn hungry right now.

Anyway, ECW. Yeah. Here it is.

Tony Atlas and his giant egg-shaped head introduce Abraham Washington. That's his name because he's what most high school kids answer when asked to pick the best President in history. Yeah. Weep for the future. A-Wash calls himself a pimp, Atlas laughs like Ed McMahon, and it all gets very old very quick. That's when he brings out his guest- Tiffany. Not the Think I'm Alone Now Chick. It's Tiffany with blonde hair. She's the GM of ECW for some insane unknown reason and she's doing a pretty horrible job. Terrible. Just awful. Abe asks her why the brand wasn't a part of Bragging Rights. He asks her how she can just let Sheamus leave. He pretty much calls her out for sucking at her job. Now, if her job was to suck, she'd be doing great. But it's not. It's to Generally Manage and she's generally messing up. Tiff defends all her inept and stupid decisions. She tells us to stay tuned to Bragging Rights 2010 to see how ECW bounces back. Also, in Sheamus's final match, he'll fight Shelton Benjamin tonight. Nice. Her responses to the two points are:

A) I'll get back to you on that in a year.

And

B) As a punishment for leaving ECW, I'm giving this Irish kid an easy win over one of our guys.

What a boss. That's when my British buddy William Regal showed up with his big oily boys in red. His Lordship emplores the bird to give him his due. Give him an ECW Title match. Alas, he is denied. When he argues, he's told that he could lose all title match privlidges for good. He makes a sad face and she walks away. He handled that better than I would. I would have probably flipped the tables on the set and screamed like a monkey. Actually, never mind. He did that too.

New ECW Co-host is Byron Saxton. He's ridiculously excited and has a stripper name. He and Josh Mathews introduce a video of Yoshi Kwan from Taiwan.

Some woman I don't know is talking backstage to Shelton Benjamin. Remember him? He was in the World's Greatest Tag Team…then he left it. Now he's the World's Average Singles. He tells this mystery woman that I'm contemplating stalking how Sheamus is a big ginger-ass coward. He doesn't fight face-to-face. He beats guys from behind. He heh. Beats guys from behind. Ha! Anyways, Shelton talks a tough game because it would be anticlimactic if he goes, "Yo. I'm gonna lose. Stay tuned." That's how wrestling works.

1) Sheamus beat Shelton Benjamin

I guess Shelton's not getting pushed now. That's how it is with him, right? They push him and everyone gets excited and then they stop and we all forget. They repeat this every year or so. I get it, WWE. You don't like him. The Butch Reed dye job didn't do anything for Benjamin except make him look like Sisquo. That thong, tha-thong, tha-thong. Michael Cole or whoever the f**k his name is says that ECW has the hungriest locker room in WWE. I think he means Eye of the Tiger hungry and not Ethiopia hungry. I hope not. That would be sad. Feed Abraham Washington, you bastards! Match was good. Commentary wasn't. Sheamus kicked him in the face and got a pin. If I was a wrestler, that would be my finishing move. Kick to the face. Nice.

Rosa Mendes - I'd totally hit that. She's talking to Gregory Helms - who I probably wouldn't, at least not the same kind of "hit" I meant in the previous sentence. There's some chit chat going down before Paul Burchill and his hot sister, Katie Lea, walk in. They dismiss Rosita and turn to Gruesome Greggy. Hey, Clark C*nt, tell your superhero duper zero that Pirate Paul wants a match against him next week. Lose the glasses and move your asses, The Burchills are ready for a Hurricane. Greg agrees. What's Katie gonna do when her brother is wrestling? She can come over to my house and watch it. I have a color TV and a shower in case, you know, she wants to take a shower. I don't know. Just saying. There's a shower and there's no cameras in there. None. Definitely no Micro Mini Spy CDC Color Board Camera. Come on. It'll be fun. You can use my soap.

The girl I like is interviewing Christian now. The ECW Champion plays the good guy champ. He acknowledges that Yoshi Kwan earned a title match unlike the guy who's into guys in red, Willie Regal. But just because you earn a title match doesn't mean you'll win it. Widdle Yoshi has potential, but tonight's not his night.

2) ECW Champion Christian beat Yoshi

I like this Yoshi guy. I think that once WWE realizes he works there, they'll stop pushing him. They forget about ECW. How else do you explain that his guy is getting a push while Funaki has played every stereotype in the book? Either they're not paying attention to Yoshi yet…or they really hate Funaki. Also, I gotta say it. Yoshi is just so adorable. They gotta turn him into a doll or something. He should just bat his eyes at Vince McMahon. They'd all be like, "Aw. You can be champion. You're just so cute! Ooooo! Those CHEEKS!" Christian ain't adorable. He's all cold and driven-looking. That's why he's the Champ. Byron really lays it on thick from ringside. He says the crowd is quiet at first because they're anticipating all the great action to come in this amazing main event. Then he tries to sell me insurance and convert me to Scientology. He's very persuasive. This match was really good too, by the way. ECW usually has good matches. With the two young commentators and all the fresh talent, it's like watching an Indy starring Christian. That's a good thing. This show is like the alternate WWE Universe. It's fun to escape from Triple What's His Face and the other guys. To drive this point home, halfway through the match, they went to commercial and showed a pretty damn long recap of Cena vs. Orton. It was like watching a match during a match. They don't do that in boxing. In between rounds, they go, "Yeah. He's getting stitched up in the corner. While that goes on, watch clips from some other fights. We'll join this fight again real soon!" It's pretty annoying. Also annoying - Bryon Sexpot. He feeds me the life story of Yoshi Tatsu with all the emotion of a town theater reading of a "Christmas Carol." It makes me want to throw up - although that could be the liquor I found in the alley behind my house. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the liquor. Before that happens, I catch the end of the show. Christian held off a rampaging Tatsu and managed to kick out a lot more than I would have. He kicked out of like ten pin attempts. I would have kicked out of maybe nine. Either nine or zero. Somewhere in there. The TNA escapee tried to hit his finisher three times, but only nailed it once. He slammed his challenger with the Kill Switch and we all get deprived the chance to hear widdle Yoshi's Nintendo theme music.

After the Bell, the two guys William Regal makes wear red because it gets him hot attack the ECW Champion. They beat him down while their boss stares on in anger. The crowd chants "Regal Sucks." That's just mean. That poor man has feelings. Chant something nice. "We-Like-Your-Hair! - clap,clap, clapclapclap - We-Like-Your-Hair!" Now that would be something you could be proud of. Tell your parents. Hang it on the fridge.

OK. Bye. I gotta go do something destructive.