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Retro-Repost: 6/13/06 ECW Debut on SciFi: Mallory's Real Time Coverage

By Mallory Mahling Feb 16, 2010 - 3:43 PM print


Originally Posted on June 13, 2006

(JG Note:  As we all prepare for tonight's final ECW on SyFy episode (RD Lee's Real Time Report goes live when the show does), I wanted to take a look back at the first edition care of Mallory Mahling's Real Time Report from June 13, 2006.  Next week is NXT Week, so let's relive the memories of McStream.)


 

Welcome to tonight's ongoing coverage of the debut of E-C-Dub on the SciFi Network. You may need to hit "refresh" from time to time to see the latest update.

Tonight's show was allegedly live from the Sovereign Bank Arena in Trenton, New Jersey.

Six years ago this month I began my Internet recapping journey with a review of ECW on TNN. It's been a lot of years and a lot of reviews since then, but here we are again, chanting E-C-Dub, E-C-Dub, E-C-Dub! just like we'd never been away.

The show started with a recap of last Sunday night's "One Night Stand." Rob Van Dam had captured the WWE Title, and as we found out last night on Raw, the decision stands. RVD is still the champ.

Let the bodies hit the floor...

Paul Heyman headed to the ring as Joey Styles and Tazz welcomed viewers to the show.

Ahhh , I thought, just like old times.

Heyman said it was his honor to introduce Rob Van Dam. Styles noted that until ONS, RVD was arguably the best wrestler never to be a WWE champion.

Van Dam proudly showed off his hard-earned title belt and wondered where John Cena was. He'd said he'd be at the debut show.

(They had either skimped on microphones or batteries for the mics, since the sound in the ring was spotty at best. It also appeared that they were trying to kill time.)

Heyman said had a surprise for RVD. He pulled an ECW World Championship belt out of a felt bag, and RVD put one belt over each shoulder. He said he cherished the new ECW belt, but he wanted to keep the spinny WWE belt, too.

You think you know him...Edge, that is. He came out with Miss Congeniality...err...Lita, and thanked Paul E. for inviting them to the show. He said he respected Van Dam. Edge said he and RVD had broken the glass ceiling because of their ability. Edge respectfully extended his hand and they shook like gentlemen. Edge started to leave the ring, then turned and speared Van Dam. As Edge and Lita exited through the crowd, John Cena showed up right behind him and started pounding on him. RVD joined Cena and Edge was in a world of hurt. Edge gave RVD a low blow, then left through the crowd. Cena punched Heyman for good measure on his way out.

The locker room emptied and Joey wondered what was going on. From the looks of it, another episode of Raw.

(Commercial break)

Backstage, Heyman was furious. If Monday Night Raw wants to mess with ECW, ECW will mess with Monday Night Raw next week.

Spooky music hit and a zombie came out. Turns out his name was The Zombie. The walking dead. Dead...like the crowd. The Zombie grabbed the mic and grunted. Now the mic works. Go figure.

"This is laughable," said Joey. He was absolutely right.

Sandman came out to his new elevator music, crushed a beer can on his head and headed to the ring with his cane. Hopefully to beat the crap out of that Zombie character.

(1) Sandman vs. The Zombie. Yep, that's just what he did. I guess that was the first match. Sandman won it in about 30 seconds and celebrated with another beer. Or two.

Kelly, an exhibitionist, introduced herself and said she was going to take off all her clothes.

(Commercial break)

Last Sunday at ONS, Tazz returned to the ring to take on Jerry "The King" Lawler in a match. Jerry "The Gut" had bitch slapped Styles on his way to the ring and ended up getting choked by Tazz.

What is ECW going to do when they run out of clips of One Night Stand to fill time?

(2) Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible. JC had barely gotten into the ring when Angle took him down and put him in a cross face. It went downhill for Credible from there and Angle submitted him with a rear choke.

Angle warned Randy Orton that he'd make him tap out at Vengeance.

Heyman said everything he'd planned was out the window. (Could that have been a Freudian slip?)  He now had an extreme battle royal in mind and the winner would face John Cena at Vengeance. Heyman wanted to take the fight to Monday Night Raw.

Kelly the stripper was back to "show her assets."

(Commercial break)

Outside the building the camera zoomed in on one of The Zombie's friends, The Vampire.

Kelly came out to some sleazy strip club music and stripped. Artlessly. She couldn't even get her bra unfastened.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not a wrestling show?

They've spent most of this show promoting Raw, and the last five minutes on a cheesy strip club act which made no sense whatsoever.

(3) Extreme Battle Royal: Tommy Dreamer vs. Sabu (who was late for his entrance) vs. Al Snow (w/Head) vs. Stevie Richards vs. Little Guido, Tony Mamaluke and Big Guido (the FBI) vs. Balls Mahoney vs. Big Show.

(There was a commercial break during the entrances.)

The bell rang and Big Show threw everybody out of the ring, including Road Kill, who'd apparently been introduced during the commercial along with Danny Doring. So much for a battle royal.

(Commercial break)

But wait...

Back from commercial and everybody was back in the ring. No one had gone out OVER the top rope, so Big Show hadn't won after all. How many people do you suppose tuned out during the commercial thinking Show had won?

Big Show started throwing people out again only this time over the top rope. Sabu set up a table on the outside, and the plunder was in play. Show put Dreamer through the table. Big Guido and Sabu managed to get Big Show over the top rope, and then Sabu dumped Big Guido over the side and won the battle royal.

"Paul Heyman is bringing all of ECW to Raw Monday night," Joey reminded viewers as the show mercifully went off the air.

You've been warned.

***

This show gets a "D" for disappointing.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about Vince McMahon wanting ECW to serve too many masters. That seems to be what happened with tonight's show. The SciFi audience was served with some pointless Halloweeny characters. The WWE contingent was served with an ongoing commercial for Raw and Raw's superstars. The horny teenage demographic was served with an endless striptease.

So where does that leave ECW? Out in the cold from the looks of it. I can't imagine why any one tuning in tonight would want to come back next week.

I wanted this show to be good.  I really did.  I wasn't expecting perfection.  I'd  have settled for a few moments of nostalgia, a warm fuzzy, and some good new matches.  Instead, I've had to hit the bottle of migraine pills just to get through the rest of this review.

Ya know...sometimes things are better off remaining fond memories and staying dead.

***

Comments or feedback? I'd love to hear from you. Mallory@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com




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