World Wrestling Insanity: Crazy Uncle Ralph's Real Time ECW Report: Kelly Kelly vs. Layla Layla, M and M vs. Festivus and Uncle Jesse, Big Daddy V vs. Big Daddy Kane

Crazy Uncle Ralph's Real Time ECW Report: Kelly Kelly vs. Layla Layla, M and M vs. Festivus and Uncle Jesse, Big Daddy V vs. Big Daddy Kane

By Crazy Uncle Ralph
Nov 27, 2007 - 11:03 PM

Yo. How are ya? Good. Good. Rickard's not here tonight, but I am. I'm here to get Extreme like ice cream on a tamborine. You ready for a little real time ECDub? Me too. Stick witcha Uncle Ralph. I'll give ya the ups, downs, ins, and outs of this crazy little thing called ECW on Sci-Fi Network.

Tonight's theme is "The Beauties and the Beasts." Chicks and gross guys. It's like my bachelor party.

1) Kelly Kelly pinned Layla

Kelly Kelly - named that so that she doesn't forget what her first name is. Ya know, Layla is becoming a favorite of mine. I don't know what it is. Sure as hell ain't her wrestling. When the match started, she threw a dropkick and completely missed. They played it off like it was on purpose, but I doubt it. A few minutes in, my long lost twin Balls Mahoney came out to cheer his chickie on. Lay was distracted and it was Kelly's turn to do a terrible spot. She went for a handspring, but landed too early and looked absolutely idiotic because of it. No matter though. She's hot. She hooked Layla's legs and got a pinfall. Terrible match. If they were naked it might have been better, but they weren't - so it wasn't.

Tonight it's going to be Big Daddy V vs. Kane in an Extreme Rules Match. But first, it's Uncle Jesse and the Fetus against Jim Morrison and the Jiz.

- Commerical -

2) WWE Tag Champions John Morrison and The Miz beat Jesse and Festus

John Morrison has a cool-ass entrance. It's all slow motion and stuff. Sort of like when Khali wrestles. As for the Miz, he's getting better too I guess. He couldn't have gotten worse. It was a good move to make him a bad guy. He's just unlikable. He also wears that stupid Frank Sinatra hat on top of a bandana. I was a bit confused to see this match because I figured that Jesse and Fessie were bad guys. Who knows though. I guess WWE is going to use them as some sort of tweener team because that'll probably - I don't know - make people not care about them at all. They should be bad - plain and simple. There's nothing "good guy" about an inbred that kills people when he hears a bell. Personally though, I always liked bad guys. I actually like Festus as a character. He's freaking funny. I knew another guy that used to do that dead-eye, tongue-wagging thing. Unfortunately, he was my doctor. Long story short, my pee was purple for two months. A crawl scrawl ran on the screen during the match that said ECW would be on THURSDAY next week. So, be sure to set your clocks. It should be interesting for many fans. It'll mean they have to do something they don't normally do. For the first time, they'll get to skip TNA and ECW at the same time. John and Mizanin work well as a team. They did some pretty cool tag spots. There was one where Mike held Jesse by the legs and Johnny sprung over the top rope. I'm glad to see them working on things like that. Not enough focus on things like that. Tag Champs should act like Tag Champs and they are. The theme here was that Jesse in his RVD outfit kept getting beat up while Festivus went nuts on the apron. By the time he made the tag, he was ready to kill people and the fans seemed to be happy to see it. YAY! MURDER! Kane 2 opened up on both of them and then launched his partner off the top rope for a near fall. He got a two, but that was it. The referee got distracted somehow and Jessie Spano found his neck snapped on the top rope from Johnny Nitro (who was on the ringside floor.) Uno, dos, three. M and M pick up the win.

- Commerical -

Video Package for Big Daddy V vs. Kane. What's a video package, you ask? It's what Mario tells the Princess that he has waiting for her after they escape the castle. Bada-boom.

Joey Styles and Tazz take some time to sell the new WWE Magazine. Inside is pictures of Kelly Kelly in lingerie. Lucky for us, it isn't pictures of her wrestling.

On Smackdown last week, Edge made out with Vicki Guerrero. I was happy to see this. Why? Because I was drunk when I read the spoilers and thought it said that he made out with Chavo Guerrero. It bugged me out pretty bad.

Elijah Burke introduces Shelton Benjamin and gives him the chance to speak. Benjamin tells all why he's in ECW. Instead of just saying, "Because I sucked pogoballs on Raw," he tells us some ga-ga about how he's here to prove himself. He claims to be here to "raise the bar" and says it's only a matter of time before he's ECW Champion. He calls himself the "Gold Standard" and then sings the opening line of his theme song. The whole promo lasted about a minute and it was more than I've heard him speak in 2 years.

- Commercial -

3) Shelton Benjamin pinned Shannon Moore

Shannon Moore sucks. How come he still works here? I used to like this kid when he was in Three Count with The Hurricane and the Evan Whats-his-face. Now he's just a jobber that likes to have punky makeovers now and then. He also looks like the little kid in Hanson, which does him no favors. That makes no difference to Shelton "The Natural" Benhjamin though. Shelton pounded the punk out of him and kept control for the almost entire match. He suplexed him. He chin locked him. He punched him in the face. When all was said and done, Mr. Moore didn't stand a chance. The World's Greatest Tag Team Partner recovered from a surprise attack and hit a sloppy DDT for a win. It was weird. Instead of a frontfacelock, he just grabbed Shannon's head and pulled him down. Tazz asked if we could even "call that a DDT." He meant it in a good way. I agree - but in a bad way.

- Commercial -

4. Extreme Rules - Big Daddy V pinned Kane

Big Daddy V likes to eat a lot. I'm just guessing. I've never actually seen him eat anything, but I imagine he can clean out a Ruby Tuesday's in like ten seconds. This match was Extreme Rules. That's fine. What's not fine was that Matt Striker was at ringside. What's the point of sitting at ringside for an Extreme Rules Match? What's stopping him from running into the ring and jumping on Kane? Come to think of it, what's stopping him from bringing in a blowtorch and can of AquaNet? That's pretty Extreme to me. Instead of that, they used those tin foil garbage can things and Kendo Sticks. For some reason, those things live under the ring. Also under the ring - a No Left Turn sign. Why come? I don't freaking know. I guess they don't want anyone making a wrong turn when driving under the ring in their tiny little car or something. The real weapon here was the chair though. It's the classic. Kane tried to decapitate Viscera with it, but Big Dad got up and knocked the Brothertaker to the floor. That's when Striker pulled out a table and pushed it into the ring. Styles reminded people at home that the match was "no DQ." You know - in case the fact that they were beating each other with chairs and road signs got past you somehow. Daddy put Kane through the wood as it stood in the corner and the fans started chanting "ECDub." That made me cry a little bit. Daddy V didn't cry though. He should have. He ended up with a nasty hole in his bulbous arm thanks to a splintered piece of table. Youch. He got revenge though. When Fire Boy returned to the ring, Vis tried to hoist him up. It didn't work. K broke free and smashed him with the weak-ass trash can. That's when Mark Henry showed up to help his friend, Viscera.

Why are they friends? I don't know. Why are Shelton Benjamin and Elijah Burke friends? You know how things work around here.

Vis showed Henry his boo-boo and bitched about it. "See what he did to me?" screamed the Man on a Mission. Mark then joined his giant friend in chokeslamming the Red Machine through a table and setting it for a pinfall. After the count, BDV rubbed his bloody arm in Kane's face. Ick.

The show ended with Sexual Chocolate and The World's Largest Love Machine standing over Katie Vick's rapist. The end. Show's over. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

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