The Heat Report: Hacksaw vs. Burchill, Melina vs. Mickie, Snitsky vs. Venis, and More
By Fritz Stephey
Mar 15, 2008 - 5:14 PM

Random fact: Did you know there is NO such thing as "cold"…only a lack of "HEAT"? Yeah…I know…that blows your mind.

It's another week, and another HEAT, folks. We're diving right into the action, with Melina! Believe it or not, they had a backstage segment between Melina and Candice over Playboy. Melina got slapped across the face.

Ok, so Melina is taking on Mickie James. Melina runs right up and gives her a kick to the stomach. She then sucks her thumb, and jams it in Mickie's eye (Why would I make that up?).  Mickie gets back, though, and has Melina in a single leg boston crab. Lina gets to the ropes, though and James breaks off. Melina shoves her down and now has a head lock on. Mickie tries fighting off Melina, but Melly manages to get back to a headlock. Mickie gets vertical, and takes down Melina. They just did back-to-back slaps, punches, and kicks! Mickie into the corner, elbow to Melina's face, head scissors takedown, but Melina gets back up. Mickie hits a neck breaker and goes for a pin, but only grabs a 2-count. Beth Phoenix is up on the apron, Mickie goes for the distraction, in-between the top and middle ropes. Melina runs up, grabs Mickie by the shoulders and pulls her back (Stuck between the ropes, we got this NASTY whip looking effect). Melina hits a reverse DDT…into a leg-drop.

Pretty decent Divas match. Phoenix is on the Mic, and tells Maria and Candice to pay attention: This is what is gonna happen to you. They then beat the sh*t out of Mickie.

Up next, is Charlie Hass, the part-time Luchadore, and the Highlanders' Robbie. I can tell this is gonna be great. They are taking on Paul London, and Brian Kendrick. It was weird; Paul is the only one who ran to the ring…Brian kept a stiff look and kind of power walked down to the ring. Anyways, Brian and Charlie start by locking up, into an arm lock from Haas. Kendrick flips off the ropes, reverses the lock, tags in Paul who jumps in and onto the arm of Haas. London sent to the corner, he leaps out to the apron, gives a shoulder to the gut, jumps in and flips Haas into a pin which scores only a 2 count. Brian is back in with Robbie. London tagged in, double team on Robbie and a 2-count. London goes to work on the arm/shoulder of the lone Highlander. Kendrick tags in, drops both arms across the back of Robbie (Ax handle from the top rope). Kendrick sent to the opposite corner, Haas chokes Kendrick as Robbie distracts the ref. Kendrick drop kicked Haas to the outside, and you guessed it, during that time Haas goes under the ring, and comes back wearing a mask and completely different attire. Big belly-to-belly suplex for the Lucha-Haas, but that scores a two count. He goes to tag in Robbie…and before he does…he pulls out another mask, and puts it on Robbie!

He tags in the Lucha-lander (Is…is that appropriate? Can you make a dirty joke off of that? Eh, I could care less, make your jokes…best joke wins). Robbie comes in the ring, rips off the mask, and goes to work on Kendrick. A big kick, a takedown, a knee drop, and now he's choking Kenny. The Lucha is tagged in, went for a power bomb, but Brian sent several punches to the face, grabbed the mask, jumped off and tore the mask off. Robbie and London tagged in at the same time, and London goes to town on everyone. He hits a hurricanrana of sorts, but scores a two count due to Haas breaking up the pin. Kendrick dawns the Lucha Mask, and the Luchalondrick takes down Haas. Kendrick tosses the mask to London, who puts it on, hits a move I know as the "Warriors Way" (Double foot stomp from the top rope), and hits a moonsault to pick up the win.

That was a pretty insane tag match. Entertaining? Yes. Good wrestling? Yes.

Up next, Snitsky is taking on Val Venis…and this might actually NOT be a squash…because this appears to be a 35min edition of HEAT (Though that's probably, as you'll agree, just wishful thinking). When Val came out, he kissed the hand of a random chick on the sidelines…he then goes up to the ring apron, jumps off, goes back, kisses that chick, and gives her his towel.

Big kick from Snitsky, but Val fights back with some big hits and 2 boots to Snitsky's upper body. Val charges toward Snitsky, who takes him down with a shoulder block. Elbow drop from the Big S, and a "Brush your teeth" chant from the crowd. Val is pretty much fighting for his life, he got some big kicks in, he's sent out to the apron, and he drags Snitsky's throat across it. He goes up top and hits Snitsky down with a flying clothesline. Snitsky gets another big kick to the big Valbowski's face. Pump handle slam, and Snitsky picks up the win.

Why must Val live through that? Commercial break. They're showing that Carlito/Maria WrestleMania commercial. It's completely ridiculous…I love it.

It's time for the Main Event. Paul Burchill (accompanied by Katie Lea) vs. Jim Duggan. They show a replay of last week, where Duggan was attacked by Burchill. Katie is on the mic, says The Great American hero got his ass kicked. She told the crowd they should admire " this sexy beast" her brother Paul, who's a real Great man. I'm actually disturbed (Then again, I think that's the point). Hacksaw is out with 2x4, and the crowd is chanting "USA!".

 Hacksaw starts off with big random misguided hits, and hits back-to-back-to-back clotheslines. A big missed right from Pirate Paul, and more big hits from Captain Ho. Katie Lea distracts the ref, and Hacksaw gets his throat dropped across the top rope. Burchill trips Duggan down, and lays a kick on his upper body. He now goes for a headlock, and in return, he gets a thousand elbows from Hacksaw. Duggan goes to the ropes to get momentum, but ends up with Paul's knee to his stomach. Knee drop from Paul. Back to a headlock, but Hacksaw gets up again. Hacksaw goes for ten punches in the corner, but the ref stops him (to which Hacksaw jumps off and tells the ref to "Get off my ass"). Back drop from Duggan! He sets up for the stance, Burchill dodges and Hacksaw hits the turnbuckle. Burchill rolls him up, grabs the tights, and picks up the 3-count.

And that, is HEAT. It's weird, it seems as if they're actually, building a story on HEAT, with the Burchill/Lea thing. It's really the first time since I've been reviewing it, where I've seen "Last week" replays and have had somebody have mic time twice in a row. I dunno what to think on that, though. Kinda disturbing, if you ask me. We had a good tag match, a squash and then a main event that was…well, just off.

And as always, I'm open to questions, comments, criticisms, the works! Just hit up the Other Insanity > The Heat Thread on the boards, PM me there, or E-mail me at . That's it for me, cya next HEAT.

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