The Heat Report: Featuring WWE Wrestler Derek Graham-Couch
By Fritz Stephey
Mar 28, 2008 - 4:30 PM

Ladies and gents, after a week of absence (who the hell knows why? They just didn't have a new HEAT last week)...but, we're back this week...all new HEAT...get it? Got it? Good.

Charlie Haas makes his way out the the ring, wearing strickley black attire that bears his name: HAAS. It appears that the part-time Luchadore will be taking on The Captain of HEAT...Hacksaw Jim Duggan. They start with a lock-up, and Duggan gets pushed to the ropes. After he screams "Get him off me", Haas punches him in the face. Hacksaw reverses the whip that follows, and manages a hip-toss. He gives Haas 2 clotheslines and lets out a "HO!". Haas goes to the outside, and under the ring. Can anyone guess what he's doing under there?

He's out, in Silver/Red gear and his mask. He takes the offensive. slams Hacksaw into the corner twice and gives him a couple of stomps. Haas goes for a pin but gets a 2 count. He now has Duggan in a sleeper. JD gets verticle, hits Haas with some elbows and goes for a clothesline...note, I said "goes for a clothesline". He gets a knee to the stomach from the Luchadore, and a big kick to the back. Haas now hits Captain 2x4 with several different moves. He goes for another pin, but it's a 2-count again. Knee to the back, into another sleeper/headlock from Charles A. Lucha Haas. Hacksaw fights him  of again, but Haas keeps control. He's taken to the corner, but he wont get slammed, he blocks it, gives one to Hass and rips off the mask. A big slam from ol' Jimmy, and he tells us he's setting up for the stance! Haas rushes over to get his mask, but as he gets up and starts putting it on, HOOOOO! he gets hit with the worlds biggest clothesline. 1-2-3...your winner, Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

It was the one match that Hacksaw DIDN'T have full out control for the most part. I'd just like to point out though, Haas' win/lose streak...hasn't drastically improved since dawning new gear...

We are now seeing a replay of CM Punk/Carlito from RAW. I hadn't actually seen the match...but, that was the coolest ending ever. Mr. Kennedy has an important message for us...Don't Try This at home.

On the way to the ring, Paul Burchill and Katie Lea Burchill. They have a Mic...and he says, 2 weeks ago he took out YOUR American Hero, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Katie enjoyed the whole beating. Katie takes the mic and says, "As My Big Brother always says, what Katie wants...Katie gets".

He will be taking on...everyones favorite superstar to make an occasional RAW appearance...Val Venis.

They go to lock-up, which immediately goes into a side-headlock from the big Valbowski. Burchill sends him off the ropes, but gets a clothesline from Venis, and a quick 1-count. Both are back at their feet, circling the ring. They go for a lock-up...Burchill gives Val a big boot to the stomach. The former Pirate goes for a whip, but Val reverses, and pulls him in for a knee to the stomach! He hits it a second time, and hits a side russian leg-sweep. Val will score another 1 count. Burchill lifts him up and sets him outside on the apron. Paul takes a swing, but it's blocked and he'll take one from Double V. Val tries to get back in the ring, but as he does, Paul shoves him down, and Val's leg gets caught in the ropes! Paul gets a huge stomp on him, and repeats the attack. When he goes for it a 3rd time, Val slips off and Paul lands flat on his @ss!

Paul will keep control though, and his focus has shifted to working on Val's knee. Most of the time he has a lock on it, but gets up every once in a while he gets up, gives it some kicks, an elbow drop, the likes. Paul's now outside, and dragging the knee of Val out, and slamming in on the side of the ring. They take the action back to the middle, and Paul throws a kind of corkscrew lock on Val's leg. Val powers out, but Paul runs up, lifts Venis in the air and slams him in the ring post. He continues working on the leg, wrapping it in the ropes and giving some big kicks. Val hits Burchill with a takedown and scores a 2-count. He then hits a Flair chop and hits some elbows to the face. A big neck-breaker from Val, but still only picks up a 2-count. Spin-out powerbomb (I think) from Valbowski, but only a 2-count. He goes to lift him up again, but he can't, Paul gets back to his feet, gives a huge hit to Val's leg, and throws on a weird single leg boston crab...using his head. Val is forced to tap.Your winner, Paul Burchill.

On his way to the ring, mellow pop Bagpipe music and all, Robbie! He will be taking on DH Smith. They lock up in the middle and Robbie gets Smith to the corner. After the ref gets to 3, Robbie breaks off and Smithy gives him a shove. They now circle around the ring, and go for another lock-up, into a side-head lock from Robbie. DH does a nice takedown, and slaps on his own sitting side head-lock. The Highlander goes verticle, sends DH into the ropes, but he gets a shoulder takedown from British Bulldog Jr. Harry bounces off the ropes, jumps over McAllister, but " The One with the Hair" gets to his feet and gives Smith a big boot to the stomach, followed by a headbutt. He then gives a big strike across Mr. Smith's back, and hits it a second time. He twists his arm and goes to work on that. DH fights back with some big hits and an elbow to the face. Robbie gets whipped (, not in that sense) to the opposite corner. Side-slam from DH, and a kick. Knee drop to the face and a 2-count for Smith. He whips Robbie into the corner, gives a big kick, a leg drop and scores another 2 count. Another whip into the corner, but Smith will get a huge boot to the face from The Scot. Robbie charges and tries to get a waste-lock on, but D "What's that stand for" H Smith rolls out, and shoves Rob to the ropes. Rob pushes off, Smithy rolls, charges for Robbie, who then lifts him up and slams him across the ropes. 

Robbie then goes nuts and gives DH some big kicks all over the chest. He goes for the pin, but grabs only a 2-count. He then slaps on an arm lock, and while DH tries fighting off, Robbie nails some big hits and stops his momentum. Robbie continues this work-down. DH tires powering out of this sleeper, and DOES! he lifts Robbie up and slams him down. They both get to their feet, but Robbie spears DH in the corner. DH gets a big bott in though, gets 2 big clotheslines, and goes tot town with punches. Whip from Smith, and a big back body drop! He locks on the full nelson...and goes for the full-nelson german-suplex pin! 1-2-3, and your winner, DH SMITH!

That was a GOOD match, especially for HEAT, and was a lot longer than the norm (I think...I actually watched half of it Wednesday and the other half Thursday...yeah, I know, I'm with it). Awesome match though...Solid.

The MAIN EVENT this time a Divas match.  Melina vs. Mickie James

Melina makes her way to the ring with Beth Phoenix . As Mickie makes her way to the ring, Melina and Phoenix make fun of her, and her entrance. The ladies lock up, Mickie gets a big hit in, into a sunset flip and a two count (I Think). Mickie keeps control early on, gets another 1-count pin. Melina reverse whips Mickie to the corner. Mickie hits a head-scissors takedown, and now they're pulling hair! Melina sends Mickie flying to the outside. (You know what annoys mean about Mickie/Melina matches? BOTH their names come up as errors on every other word is underlined in red...luckily, I just told this damn thing to accept them as words.) Anyways, back to the action, Melina pulls Mickie onto the ring apron by the hair, Mickie fights her off, kicks her in the face, goes to fly in the ring but is grabbed by Beth Phoenix ! beth runs off as Mickie scrambles about outside. Melina pulls her in the ring by the hair again, and slams her to the mat several times. She keeps up on the hair, then goes for a leg lock, applying pressure by, you guessed it, pulling her hair. After grabbing only a 2-count, Melly pulls Alexis up by her hair (Gotta love the hair!), she then wraps it around the top rope, and then puts her foot on it and applies pressure. She then gives the Mic some punches, and does the same hair move again. Mickie manages to fight her off, but Melina ends up on top of her, goes for a pin, Mickie reverses, but it's only a 2-count. Mickie SLAPS Melina in the face, hits a dropkick, big kick to the stomach, shoulder to the midsection, but melina gets a kick in herself. melina goes up top, but Mickie shuts her down. She is now trapped on the tope rope, but bent backwards, and Mickie grabs her hair under across the top rope! She breaks it off before the ref gets to five, and grabs a 2-count pin. Big hits from Ms. James to Melina. Reverse kick from Mickie, she goes up top, and splashes down on Melina! 1...2...NO! Melina kicks out. beth Phoenix on the apron, Mickie hits her off, but Melina rolls her up and grabs the 3 count.

I like Melina and LOVE Mickie, but...there HEAT matches are utter slop-fests. I mean, if you like complete cat-fight, yeah...stick around for this weeks main event...but otherwise, you're getting the same old story here.

Overall, definitely a solid edition of HEAT. While I think the main event placing was stupid, overall the rest was good. 

AND THAT, is HEAT...for this week. I will try my damnest to get this next weeks up sooner. As always, comments, crisiticisms and questions appreciated. You know the drill:

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Have a FANTASTIC Wrestlemania 24 weekend...and cya next HEAT.

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