The Heat Report: Venis vs. Snitsky, Haas vs, Rhodes, Divas Tag, and Crazy vs. The Fake Bulldog
By Fritz Stephey
Apr 30, 2008 - 9:50 PM

Forgive me, WWI members...for I have missed the past few HEATs...but, tryin' to get back on the ball, here we go, with HEAT!

We are opening off Heat with Jillian Hall and Melina vs. Maria and Ashley. Maria is wearing a sexy red outfit...Ashley...well...looks like a doof (Eh, sorry...I defintely ain't your biggest fan). Miss Ashley and Melina start the match off. Is this a bad time to mention I don't like Ashley? Oh well, she just tagged in Maria, so we're good. Maria and melina continue with, albeit, a little sloppiness, but after a quick submission and tag from Melina to bring in Jillian, we're good. Bronco Buster from the devil in red (That'd be Maria), and a 2-count. Jill gets whipped into the corner, and Maria slowly charges, failing to jump onto the middle rope, and settling for the bottom rope. She tags in Ashley, and monkey flips Hall. Ashley hits her only good move, a clothesline, but then nails a head-scissors takedown (and I'm shocked). Jillian slams Lee but her hair (very much so an "ouch moment). Melina tagged in, and goes for a pin, but will get only a 2 count. Ash powers out of a sleeper hold, but Lena backs her into the corner. Maria tagged in, and she hits a back elbow, as well as a takedown. She picks up Melina and hits a bad gut-buster (I think she was aiming for a back breaker). Melina hits her amazing Leg-Drop into a split, and picks up the win.

Meh. I've definitely seen better Diva's matches.

Hah, during the "break", we get Santino's old "Ima So Great" poem. "Ima So Great" indeed.

Up next? Super Cuhrazy (That's how Lillian Garcia pronounces it). He is taking on that Crappy Bastard David Harry Boy Smithy Jr. You know what? We're not even gonna acknowledge this impostor. Why acknowledge the enemy? There is only one TRUE Canadian Bulldog, right? So yeah...Super Crazy is wrestling air. Bad news for him, air kicked him in the gut. David Harry Smith then sends some forearms to Crazy's head. The "Tabby Cat" then chucks him outside the ring, and slams his head on the apron. After rolling him back in, Garfield sends a big fist to The Mexicool's forehead. Crazy follows up, however, reversing an irish-whip, and hitting a spinning heel-kick. Courage The Cowardly Dog ducks behind the top rope when Crazy comes at him. They're both back in the center of the ring. This time they lock-up, and Crazy goes into a side head-lock. Smitty sends Super flying, hits a knee to the gut, and chucks Crazy into the ring post. DH then slaps on an arm-lock. Crazy gets vertical, but won't fight off Harry. DH gives SC a big punch and a head-butt, and will go for the pin, but grabs only 2. Big clothesline from Smith, and another 2-count. Elbow to the head from Super Crazy, and then he runs into a power slam from David! Only a 2-count, though. Crazy gets a second wind, taking down DH Smith every way possible. Dropkicks, big kicks, missle-dropkick, and a standing moonsault! But when he goes for the pin? 2-count. Belly-to-back suplex from DH smith and he picks up the 3-count!

I can't rate this match. You've got a big time poser winning the match. I'm disgusted.

MISTERRRRR KENNEDY has an important message for you. Don't be stupid, don't try this at home, or at school. Church is fine, and in fact, encouraged.

Up next? Charlie Haas vs. 1/2 of the Tag Team Champions...your absolute favorite, Cody Rhodes. They start the match with a lock-up, and Haas sends Rhodes to the corner. He flips him over back to the center of the ring, and takes some time to pose. They lock-up again, and Haas, again, sends Cody into the corner. He then hooks his leg, drags him out, and botches whatever kind of slam/takedown he was going for. Charles slaps on a headlock but Cody gets up. Haas starts twisting his arm, and Cody reverses into he own. Cody whips Haas to the ropes, and then, I dunno what he looks like he was gonna go for a power slam, but instead maybe he just tripped Haas? Anyways, he also flips Haas and grabs a two count, and follows up back on the arm. Rhodes goes up top and hits a cross-body!! Haas dodges a clothesline, goes for a Cross-body but Haas dodges! Haas runs out and goes under the ring. He back out, wearing blue in his lucha-suit. He gives Rhodey a handful, with a big boot, belly-to-belly, and big hits all around. Big kick to the back, and a 2-count for the Luchadore. Lucha-haas locks on a sleeper hold. Big forearm to the back, a minor head-butt, but Haas goes into the corner. The mask is off, Rhodes hits a crucifix but it'll score him only a 2-count. Big Back Body Drop from Rhodes, and a bulldog! Still only a 2-count! Both Cody and Haas exchange big punches, but Rhodes hits a DDT! 1-2-3, and your winner...Cody Rhodes.

Another "meh" match. Not spectacular by any stretch but I've seen far worse.

MAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT time featuring Heat's #1 (IF there were a Webcast Championship, he'd be all over it), Val Venis! He is taking on...Shnitsky. Please don't be a squash. Val immediately goes to work on Snit's legs, he gave some big kicks, blocked a big boot, sent Snitsky into the corner, and starts giving him some big hits. Snickers sends Venis to the corner, charges, but will have to eat a double big boot to the face. Val goes up top but gets caught by Snitsky. Snitsky lunges into the corner, sending Val back first. Snitsky now had a chin-lock on, but breaks it, drops an elbow, and goes right back to the lock. Snitsky keeps on top, and Val slowly but surely fights him off. Big kick from Val! Awh, but he gets a big boot from Snitsky. Snitsky almost botches the pump-handle slam, but he does get the 3-count.

Boo! Why must Val suffer through that! And don't try to deny it, you're excited every time Val makes even a minor Raw appearance. It wasn't the typical squash, but yeah, a squash none-the-less.

And, overall, that leaves you with a "meh" Heat. Fairly decent action all around, but nothing really jumped at me this time around. That's it for The Fritz. Keep your eyes open for my real-time TNA iMPACT! reports every Thursday, and as usual, keep an open eye for the next HEAT report (Cuz you know I get them up whenever). Thanks for reading, cya next heat.

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