The Heat Report: WWE's Hacksaw Proclaimed "Sixth Best Show" Celebrates #500
By Fritz Stephey
Mar 6, 2008 - 1:21 PM
Once again, even if it is up late, it's time for another edition of HEAT. This edition, however, is special, because it is Heat's 500th Episode. It had a special 500th Edition opening video, and the works.
And to open the show, The HO Man Hacksaw Jim Duggan is taking on Jason Briggs (AKA: A Jobber). Hacksaw goes for the microphone and lays out a "HO!" He says this is the 500th show for HEAT, and he himself has been on over 127 of them, HO! He says after WWE RAW, Smackdown, ECW, SNME, AM RAW, and the occasional Diva Search special, that HEAT is the best damn show on the WWE! (SO does that mean I'm the 6th best reviewer on WWI? Are there even 6 reviewers on WWI?). HO! USA!
And now it's time for the real stuff to go down. They go to lock-up, Hacksaw stops abruptly to let out another "HO!, USA!" chant. The kid gets a flip and a headlock on JD, but Ho-man gets vertical and throws some elbows. JB (Not to be confused with Jeremy Borash) gets him back down, but Captain 2x4 gets vertical again. Hacksaw sends him to the corner, gives him 10, hits the three-point-stance, and wins the match.
HO! It was a squash! USA! Hold up though…Paul Birchill and his sister Katie are on their way to the ring. She tells Paul to stay outside the ring. Katie admires The "Great American Hero," and says she loves nothing more than seeing great American Heroes get their ass kicked by her lov---I mean, uh…brother. Paul then says "And what my little sister wants, she gets".
Still to come, a musical number by Jillian Hall…I can hardly wait. Now that there's a break, this is the perfect time to take a moment to explain myself. See, Aaron Wood (AKA: A-Dub, Double A, "That piece of sh*t") essentially called me out, saying a was a week behind on the HEAT reports. Yeah, I'll admit it, I was indeed behind these past 2 weeks (It's Wednesday, March 5th as I write this very report, and this is the 2/29 edition of HEAT). But you know what, some people would brush off his comments and then make fun of him during precious audio/report time (I'm not naming names or anything, and I may be a fan of that man)…I won't do that though…I'll just show you why both reports were late:
BOO-Freakin'-YAH, b*tches! I was busy with that pimpin' ride. That…is MY car! And my oh my is it ever pimp! (Take into consideration the fact that I am ME and I'm 18, and all that sh*t). Ok, enough boasting…back to the show.
Jillian Hall is making her way to the ring,
boy-band microphone and all. She says she has a very special ballad for HEAT! I can't even understand a word she is singing, if she even IS singing words. Oh oh oh, my god…she's singing "And I, will always, love HEAT!"…and she's singing randomly about Scotty 2 Hotty and "his worm", and Lucha-Haas weird-o mask. Um, so, get your aspirin ready for that one…or skip it.
It's time for HEAT's Main Event, which is a 6 Man tag match. Out of the gate first is Snitsky, followed by Robbie McAllister (with that stupid *ss Scottish porn music), followed by Charles "The Lucha" Haas. They will be facing part-time porn star Val Venis (That's not true, isn't it "He used to be a porn star?"), Super Crazy, and Brian Kendrick. Look at that, 2 random teams thrown together for no real purpose! And you wonder why this is WWEs 6th best show.
Val Venis and Robbie start off the match. Venis starts by twisting Robbie's arm, but Robbie hits an elbow to Val's face. Val manages to take over again and tags in Super Crazy. There was a crazy set of moves that just happened: Robbie tries to whip Crazy to the ropes, Crazy reverses, Robbie rolls him up for a pin, Crazy flips out and hits a neck breaker (While Robbie is sitting on the mat, mind you…that's talent), a standing moonsault, but gets only a 2-count. Crazy works on Robbie's arm, but The Scot kicks Crazy and tags in Charlie Haas. Crazy uses his speed and keeps on top of Haas. He tags in Kendrick, who scores a 2-count on Haas. Brian goes to work on the arm and shoulder of Charles. A big kick from Haas, who then unloads on Kenny. He now has a side headlock on. Kendrick fights out and hits a head scissors takedown, which leads to Charlie going outside to find his charisma.
Charlie Haas is again wearing a different singlet, and wearing a mask (One that to me at least, is very reminiscent of Shark Boy). Anyways, Snitsky is tagged in, and Crazy wailed on him like he was a jobber until Snitsky nailed a big clothesline. Crazy whipped into the corner and gets another clothesline, and Snit sends him to another corner. The ugly bald man fights off Val Venis and Kendrick, while Haas and Robbie work down Crazy who was trapped in their corner. Haas pulled his mask off, wiped his face with the Mexican flag poncho, and threw his mask back on (So he makes fun of the Lucha's?) Robbie is tagged in, and he jumps from the top rope and hits a leg drop on Super Crazy. Robbie has a sleeper hold on Crazy, but Super will get vertical. Robbie, however, takes him down and Lucha-Hass is tagged in. Big kicks from Hass to Crazy, and locks on an abdominal stretch. He also uses the top rope, but this ref doesn't notice at all (Which leads Kendrick to try to help him out).
The mask is off! Crazy kicks Haas in the face and tags in Kendrick, who does the typical high flying, speed arsenal set. He hits the slice bread #2 after running off of SNITSKY (not the corner post…off of Snitsky), Val hits the money shot and 1-2-3, your winners, Val Venis, Super Crazy and Brian Kendrick.
You know, I was actually expecting like, on of those whack 45 minute editions of HEAT, but they kept it the usual 20-something. Unfortunately for them, they felt it was mostly a waste (or are just stupid). A Hacksaw squash, a Jillian "Make my ears bleed" fest and then a random 6-man tag is more "meh" than anything else. Not saying the 6-man tag didn't have some moments or that it wasn't GOOD…I'm just saying, if felt as if they were hyping a 500th Episode, and then like…that was it. They continued with, practically nothing. Oh well.
That's it for me. As always, comments and criticisms (Um, hell, even question) are always welcome. If you somehow don't know the drill, it goes something like this:
1. You can e-mail me (
2. You Can PM me on the boards
3. You can go to Other Insanity > The Heat Thread
4. Or you can always send one via FaceBook.
That's it. Now if you'll excuse me I have some car business to attend to. Cya next HEAT!
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