The Heat Report (Double Edition): Two Times The Crazy, Two Times The Duggan, and D.H. Smith Does His New Gimmick
By Fritz Stephey
Apr 16, 2008 - 4:26 PM

Once again it is time for HEAT! Except this time, you're in for a double-dose of it. That's right, last weeks + This weeks HEAT. Now, do you think you can handle that? Cuz if not, too late! Here we go!

Heat #1 kicks off with the one and only Super Crazy! He will be taking on Paul Burchill, who is accompanied by his baby sister, Katie Lea Burchill. Katie introduces us to her big brother Paul. Paul says the competition in England is way tougher than it happens to be here in "the home of the brave". 

He scorns us all, saying all the American's seem to be scared of him. That's why he's facing Super Crazy. "You're Mexican, and let's face it, they do anything for money...I'll do anything for my Sister Katie. Unfortunately she doesn't want Mexican take-out...she wants me to take out a Mexican." That's right...Paul and Super Crazy date highlights on next weeks HEAT. (This angle just keeps getting worse...)

Paul immediately takes Crazy to the corner, but breaks it off. They go for a lock-up, and that goes into a series of arm-locks from Burchill. He continues the work, and despite Crazy's athleticism, Paul stays in control. The match turns when Paul tries sending Crazy face first in the turnbuckle: Crazy blocks with his foot, and then gives a slap to Paul's stomach. He sends him in the corner, charges toward him, but gets the former Pirate's elbow to his face. Paul slaps on a headlock. Crazy fights out, and tries delivering strike-after-strike, but Burchill gave him a scoop-slam. Paulie goes for a double knee-drop, but Super rolls away! Boot to the face of Paul! Crazy hits a Pele and a dropkick! Ouch, Paul just hit an irish-whip into a knee to the stomach. ENZIGURI from Crazy! He goes up for a moonsault...but no! Paul rolls away. 1-2-3, and Burchill is your winner. Katie is really happy...I feel pretty sick.

It wasn't well-balanced. It got exciting at times, but Paul mainly had the control. 

Up next? Cade vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan! USA, b*tches! HO! Before the match even starts, Hacksaw stomps the mat and claps his hands...trying a new way to pump up the crowd, I guess? The match is underway, lock-up to a side head-lock, and Cade dodges a clothesline by going outside. Hacksaw takes that as a victory. HO! USA! Cade gets back in, and they lock-up again, into a side head-lock, and a shoulder block from Hacksaw. Atomic drop from Duggan, and two clotheslines. Cade again goes outside. HO! USA! Hacksaw goes to drag him back in, but Hacksaw will get dropped across the top rope. Cade quickly gets back in and delivers a leg drop for Captain 2x4. He slaps on a headlock, but we know that's useless against Ha---well,'s been 30 seconds and 'Saw is still down! 

He does fight out though. A couple of elbows, and then he goes for a clothesline...he is unsuccessful, however, because Cade gives him the knee to the stomach. Cade tries smashing Jimmy head into the corner, but that leads to Hacksaw giving him the 10-punch. Hacksaw sets up for 3-point stance, charges, Cade sends him into the corner and rolls him up for the 3-count! Your winner, Lance Cade.

The problem? Hacksaw really DIDN'T hit the corner. Outside of the fact he lost, it's pretty much your normal Hacksaw match. I know, you're just dying to watch it.

Up next, a man with many titles...this week, we'll just say he is your favorite formal adult film star...Val Venis. He is taking on...Snitsky.

That's a shame...because we really do like you Val. And, ironically, we don't like Snitsky...Hairy or otherwise. It was longer than a typical squash, but yeah. Val got some moments, but it was mainly Snitsky. What can we say to thee, Val? Grab a'll help you pass the time. 

The MAAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT is Cody Rhodes vs, Trevor Murdoch. Murdoch is wearing a trench-coat that looks oddly familiar. I haven't seen Christopher Daniels in a while (And while I know, completely unrelated)..could it be Murd ate him and stole his ring attire? Though, honestly, how would it fit.

They both lock up, into a side head-lock from Murdoch. A shoulder block from that same man, a slap to the back of Rhodes, but Cody will get a few slaps in himself. Hip-toss from Rhody Codes, scoop slam, and trevor sends him to the outside...NOT, Cody holds on to the ropes, and as Murdoch turns around, Cody grabs him head-scissors style and flips him over the ropes (It would have been a lot cooler if Cody were actually strong and could have done it flawlessly, rather than with the giant pause in the middle where you wondered if perhaps Trev was gonna counter). Cody gets too excited though, because just as fast as he slipped Murd out...he's back in to deliver a massive fist to his face. Trevor goes to work with some kicks, and a elbow to the face. Suplex from Trev, but he'll only grab a 2-count. Big knee to the face, atomic drop, and a boot to the face from the aggressive hick. Arm lock now, focusing on the elbow. 

Cody is sent to the corner, and as Murdoch charges...Cody slips out, and Trevor flies into the corner. Cody goes to the apron and hits a nasty kick! He's up top, and nails a missile drop-kick. He has Murdoch in the corner, hits a few dozen left-and-rights, a clothesline, and a bulldog! Cody up top again, and hits a cross-body splash! Murdoch reverses the roll for a 2-count, but then they break off and Cody scoops up Murdoch for another pin, 2-count. Roll-up from Murdoch, 2-count! Cody, sunset flip! 2-count! Cody hits a DDT and grabs the 3-count.

Not gonna lie. Entertaining. Pretty good match itself, too. Overall, an ok HEAT.

--But WAIT, we're NOT DONE! That's right...I'm still here, for there is another episode of HEAT! Are you ready!? If you're not, too bad, scroll on! I guess I can skip the intro, right? Welcome to HEAT, Round 2.--

HEAT opens with the one and only, Snitsky. The guy has some whack facial hair and needs to brush his teeth. He's taking on J.T. Flash, aka: Your favorite jobber (or soon to be favorite at least). Need I call the match? Shnitsky wins...eats a baby in victory.

Quick start for HEAT. Up next? Paul Burchill and Katie Lea Burchill. There's something weird about this "Brother/Sister combo". He's taking on, VAL VENIS! Val gives his towel to a moderately hot chick in the front row. They start the match with a lock-up, into the corner, where the ref actually forces Paul off. As Val rushes toward him, though, he gets a boot to the gut and a shoulder block. He's in the corner now and gets a boot to the face, but manages a kick to the mid-section of the former Pirate. Venis is now trying to fight off a sleeper hold, gets a big elbow in, a huge hit, sends Burchill to the corner, flips him, hits 2 clotheslines AND a neck-breaker. He goes up top, but Paulie leaves the ring. Paul and Katie begin walking up the ramp, but Val doesn't play like that. He runs up the ramp...unfortunately for him, he forgot about the giant screen that dawned at the entrance, and Paul clotheslines him. Burch chucks him back in the ring. He slaps on a head lock, and Venis tries fighting off. He gets solid strikes in, a shoulder block, but receives a DDT from Burchill. NASTY stomp from Burchill to the back of Venis...and he picks up the 3-count.

What!? Lame finish. For the most part though, a DECENT but SHORT match.

Up next, Charlie Haas vs. Super Crazy. Haven't I seen this before? They start with a lock-up, but Haas will flip Crazy to the mat. The crowd is actually chanting Crazy's name. Haas tripped up Crazy, but Crazy comes back with a quick arsenal. Crazy flips Charles around several times. Cross-body from Crazy! He dodges a clothesline, hits a BULLDOG, and goes up top for a moonsault...he will climb down though, as Haas has fled under the ring. The ref isn't giving a 10 count...oh wait, he just started it. But Haas is back out in a blue outfit. The part-time Luchadore hit a head-scissors tilt-a-whirl takedown! A big kick from Crazy, reverse whip from Haas, Crazy leaps up, wraps his legs around Haas head...And HAAS sends him face first to the mat. He gives Super a few knees to the back, whips him into the corner and hits a light spear. He follows up with a belly-to-belly suplex. After a 2 count, Charles Luchahass slaps on an abdominal stretch. He takes it over to the ropes and uses the top rope for leverage randomly, assuring the ref won't see it.Crazy tries ripping off the mask, he flips him, goes for another BULLDOG, but Haas catches him and turns it into a full nelson. From there, he takes it to mat level, and keeps the hold on. Crazy fights out, ducks a clothesline, hits a heel kick, a dropkick, a standing moonsault and grabs a 2-count. Haas counters a whip, sets up a power-bomb, but SC grabs the mask and shoves off his shoulders! He gives Haas a big kick to the leg, and goes for an enziguri, but Haas ducks! Haas locks on the Haas of Pain and Crazy taps! Haas wins! Without the mask! He does re-dawn the mask post-match. 

Another good match, that was for the most part, sans the nonsense. 

it's time for the MAAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT! "Ho Man" Hacksaw Jim Duggan will be taking on...yes, the ever controversial "Canadian Bulldog" DH Smith! There's a lot of jokes that could be cracked at our own CBs expense...but rather, I will share in the protest with utter disgust. Good thing we've got Big Daddy V, right?

Hacksaw demands USA chants, and I'm sure CB is joining along with the fat ho! USA! They lock up, and Smith sends him to the corner. Hacksaw trades places, gives more USA chants, and they lock up again. DH shoves Hacksaw, and then hides under the top rope. He shoves The Saw again, dives outside the ring, drops Hacksaw across the top rope and grabs a 2-count. Hacksaw with a hip-toss and a lot of clothesline. Fake Bulldog dodges outside the ring (Something Canadian Bulldog would never do). As he re-enters, he gets into a back-and-forth fist fight with Jimmy D. He does take him down, and delivers several rights to Duggan's face. He goes for the pin, but grabs just 2. "Completely Bullsh*t" slaps on a headlock, but Captain 2x4 fights it off. A couple of kicks from the Dog, and another head lock of sorts. He drags Hacksaw to the outside, gives an elbow across his chest, and chucks him back in the ring. Hacksaw gets some big hits in, though, but a rake to the eyes from BULLdog, and he slaps on the headlock again. 

Hacksaw needs the crowds help, and they provide a little bit. He goes back to the BIG right hands, sends DH to the corner, but as he charges, CBDH dodges. A 2-count for DH, a couple of knees to the back, and elbow to the head, and another head-lock. Smithy tries sending Hack head first to the turnbuckle, but it's a no go. Hacksaw sends DH to the corner, sets up the three point stance, nails it, but only grabs a 2-count. DH got his foot on the bottom rope. Shoulder to the gut, from DH, he flips Hacksaw down, uses the ropes for leverage and picks up the win against Hacksaw. JD grabs his 2x4 and chases Smithy around. 

"Crappy Bastard" David Harry Boy Smithy Jr. went heel I see. That was a "meh" match though...and with the whole "Name Stealin" incident, I'm sure we're just far too confused. I know I am...although, Canadian Bulldog might wanna look at the positives. JR or King may indeed utter his name on future RAWs. 

Overall, another decent edition of HEAT. Thanks for reading this MASSIVE Double-Header folks! 

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