This Week In TNA
The TNA Impact Report: Hogan Knows Best
By Jana Bulloch
Jan 14, 2010 - 10:03 PM

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Did you know that TNA has a pay-per-view this Sunday?

You didn't?

You and almost everyone else. "Genesis" takes place on Sunday, and heck if your Empress of "iMPACT" has the slightest idea what Hulk Hogan's new company has in store for us. What can TNA pull out of the bag that will persuade us to order "Genesis?" Join me in crossing the nearest line to find out!

[Joker voice] And here we go....

We open with video clips of Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Jeff Hardy, Scott Hall, Eric Bischoff, and the nWo confrontation. Emphasis is placed on Hogan and Bischoff's claims that everyone will be under the microscope and have to earn their spots in TNA. Jarrett and Foley are punked. What happens next?

"The Band"

Generation Me vs. the Motor City Machine Guns: For those who don't know, Generation Me is the Young Bucks from PWG and ROH. They haven't been mentioned or promoted on tv in any way, so casual fans will have no idea who they are. Crowd chants of "Let's go, Young Bucks!" won't help. Max and Jeremy of Generation Me, we're told. Max (the brunette) and the future Mr. Bulloch, Chris Sabin, start off. Impressive opening sequence, with reversals galore. Too bad we have to go to a split screen to show the nWo walking backstage. Alex Shelley tags in, and the MCMG double team Jeremy. Jeebus! This action is too fast to call, and it's great! Jeremy (the blonde) is  - Oh, forget it! This is the sort of fast-paced action and solid wrestling that TNA should have been focusing on all along. The match ends when Sabin leaps over the top rope with a huge flying cross body, but Jeremy rolls out of the way and Sabin hits the floor hard, on his elbow. Generation Me double-teams Alex Shelley in the ring, hitting him with a super kick to the face before dropping him with the More Bang for Your Buck (as of yet unnamed). Max pins Shelley for the win. This was a terrific match, but calling it just wasn't possible. Watch this match if you can.

Winners: Generation Me

To the back! The Nasty Boys have trashed Team 3D's locker room. Lots of yelling through the door about having a party going on in here, and you aren't invited. It's the Nasty Boys locker room now. Team 3D yells from the other side of the door. Um, ok.

To the Hogan video package! Hogan says that AJ Styles and Kurt Angle raised the bar to a level that TNA fans have never seen before. (Really? Really?) Everyone deserves to see the AJ/Angle match one more time. At "Genesis," a major impact player in pro wrestling will turn up. A man who could take the title at any time. Both the fans and the talent will be surprised to see who it is. It's Angle's last shot for AJ's title in 2010.  

To the ring! Kurt Angle is wearing a suit, and he has a mic. He gives AJ credit where credit is due. AJ proved that his being World Champion was no fluke. Sting handed him nothing. Angle gave AJ everything he had, and AJ was the better man. On that day. At "Genesis," Angle will be the better man. AJ comes out and gives props to Angle for accepting his loss with no excuses. He reminds Angle that this is his last chance at the title in 2010. Angle says that he only needs one more chance. Why not just announce that Angle wins it? With this set-up, it's a given. As AJ walks up the ramp, he is attacked by a man in black. AJ is beaten down, dragged back to the ring, and clotheslined almost out of his shoes. The man throws back his hood to reveal a huge grin. It's Tomko. Half the Impact Zone explodes into cheers. Mike Tenay is hopelessly confused as to why. He's the only one.

To the back! Christy Hemme is with "The Band." Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, and Syxx-Pac. Yay. Christy is prevented from actually interviewing anyone, because Bubba the Love Sponge shoos her away to go get freshened up. The tough questions are for a man like himself. Lots of talking with no one actually saying anything. Bubba asks where Mick Foley is. No one directly answers.

The Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong & Hamada: This is a non-title match. Angelina Love sits at ringside. She squeals and hugs Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne, but gingerly shakes hands with Lacey Von Botch - er, Von Erich. Hamada and Sky start. Hamada drives Sky into the ropes. Sky grabs Hamada's hair behind the referee's back, and goes on the attack. Velvet Sky screams a lot. Control yourselves, fellas! Sky mounts Hamada and lands some punches. Sky throws Hamda into the ropes, follows up with a face plant, and gets a two-count. Sky and Rayne double-team Hamada, making quick tags. They taunt Kong from the center of the ring, but Hamda yanks them both down and tags in Kong. Kong cleans house, finally hitting Rayne with an Awesome Bomb for the three-count. Post-match, Sky and Von Erich check on Rayne. Angelina Love enters the ring also, but attacks Lacey Von Erich. YAAAY!!! Love attacks Rayne and Sky as well, focusing her attack on Sky. Love throws Sky into the railing, and shouts at her. As Love walks up the ramp, she says, "Replace me? Replace me? I don't think so!" So Love is now a face, and she's feuding with The Beautiful People. At least she's back.

Winners: Awesome Kong and Hamada

To the back! AJ enters the office looking for Hogan. Eric Bischoff tells AJ that "Mr." Hogan is busy. How can he be of assistance. AJ wants Tomko tonight in a match. Bischoff wants a main event. Will AJ put his title up in the match to make it main-event-worthy? "Book it," shouts AJ. "Booked," announces Bischoff. Ok.

To the back! Beer Money hunts for Bischoff.

To the back! Jeremy Borash nervously knocks on the "Hulk Hogan" office door. Bischoff is talking on the phone with someone. He hangs up. JB asks about Mick Foley. Bischoff points out that it's all on JB. JB let Foley in the building, so whatever happened to Foley is on JB's head. Bischoff tells JB that if he ever makes a mistake like that again, it will be the last breath that JB takes in the building. Beer Money enters. They don't have a problem with Hogan or Bischoff. They have a problem with Bischoff's boys. Hall, Nash, and Waltman. They don't appreciate being jumped in a company that they helped build, and they know that "The Band" did it. They want "The Band" in a match tonight. Bischoff takes Storm's beer and drinks it. He says that he'll get back to them.

To the ring! Lethal Consequences enters, as they are supposed to face Team 3D in a tag team match. The match doesn't happen, as Bobby Lashley rushes out and destroys both guys in seconds. Kristal takes the mic, and tells Bischoff that she still hasn't had the meeting with Hogan that she requested. Until she does, every member of the TNA roster will be destroyed, one by one. They leave. Team 3D walks to the ring. Brother Ray brandishes a fire axe. 

Lethal Consequences vs. Team 3D: Team 3D hits a 3D on Creed for the win in about four seconds.

Winners: Team 3D

Post-match, Brother Ray has a mic. Team 3D wrestled in the Tokyo Dome in front of 50,000 people. After their match, the Japanese press had to tell them about the Nasty Boys turning up in TNA and trashing their locker room. Where the hell have the Nasty Boys been for the past ten years? Say hello to his little friend, you beached whales, they're coming back to reclaim their locker room! Brother Ray chops through the door with the axe. Great moment where he stops to remove the "Team 3D" name plate before doing so. Once inside, the Nasty Boys attack Team 3D and totally beat them down. I feel sick, and it has nothing to do with the smell of the trashed-out locker room.

To the video package! Tomko claims to have taken a snot-nosed kid named AJ Styles under his wing and made him a champion. AJ and Tomko were the greatest tag team in TNA's history. AJ seems to have forgotten about that, he says. It's ok, so has everyone else.

To the ring! Sean Morley is a brand new man. He is now a director, producer, and distributor of some of the greatest films ever made. He took a look around and he realized that TNA was poised to explode. One crucial element was missing. TNA needs a film division to catapult it into the mainstream. He may be saying "Sean Morley," but he's in full Val Venis character and voice. His films will simply be works of art. They will not be the kind that go direct to video, oh no! Cue Daniels?!?!?! Daniels looks very, very happy about what Morley is saying. Daniels wants to be the first to welcome Morley. Daniels loves the idea of a film division, and wants to pitch a screenplay idea. Morley is down with that. Daniels cheefully describes a scenario of an honorable hero-type, who encounters a fast-talking sleazebag. They do a little business, have a titanic struggle, there are a few M. Night Shyamalan twists, and the best part is when the sleazebag ends up in the gutter where he belongs. Daniels drops Morley with his judo takedown, stomps him, and follows up with the Best Moonsault Ever. In a truly epic Spider Jerusalem moment, Daniels yells at the audience to keep their mouths shut. Daniels continues to kick the daylights out of Morley while verbally berating him on the mic. Daniels didn't get fired from TNA and claw his way back to take a backseat to a piece of crap like Morley. Every word out of Morley's mouth offends Daniels, and MOrley can take his excuse for art out of Daniels's building. Morley fights back and drops Daniels with a clothesline. Daniels rolls out of the ring, and the two continue to shout at each other.

To the video package! ODB and Tara clash for the Knockouts title. ODB calls Tara a "Diva," and says that she'll send Tara packing for good. Great line from ODB: "You put your little spider on my belly. Do you think that's the dirtiest, nastiest thing that's been on my belly?!?!"

To the back! Jeff Jarrett arrives. He has a man in a suit in tow. My bet is either a lawyer or an organized crime figure.

Matt Morgan & Hernandez vs. Beer Money: Bischoff apparently didn't give Beer Money the match that they wanted. Morgan and Hernandez get a tag team title shot against the British Invasion this Sunday at "Genesis." Ok, wait! I real-timed the show on Monday, and the announcement was made that Hall and Nash and Waltman got the ppv tag team title shot due to Nash's "Feast or Fired" briefcase. I'm so confused!!! And I actually WANT to understand and like it. Really, I do! We do have a match, after all. Storm and Hernandez start. Power, punches, and focusing on the neck of Hernandez. Storm tags Roode. Beer Money double-team Hernandez. While the "Beer!" "Money!" celebrationis going on, Hernandez tags in Morgan. Morgan drops Beer Money with a double clothesline. Morganand Roode go, and Morgan drives Roode into the corner. Morgan delivers elbows, followed by a side slam. Roode kicks out at two. Roode fights back, and tags in Storm. Beer Money double-teams Morgan, but Morgan fights back with an attempt at a double chokeslam. Blind tag to Hernandez. Hernandez hits Roode with a huge shoulderblock, then dives over the top rope to take out Beer Money on the floor. Rob Terry attacks Hernandez from behind. The bell rings, and the referee throws the match out. Morgan attacks Terry, and fights him up the ramp to the back. "The Band" strides down to the ring. Waltman is in the ring first, followed by Nash, and very slowly by Hall. "The Band" beats down Beer Money and makes them look like total punks. Referees and security try to stop the pain. Bischoff comes out with a mic and a grin. He tells Beer Money to be very careful what they wish for, because the next round is on him. Bischoff and "The Band" are in the ring. Bischoff asks just what he's going to do with them. He makes a match at "Genesis" between Beer Money and... Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. Sting is shown in the rafters again. Ok, at least I get it now. Scratch what I said earlier about the ppv card.

Winners: N/A

To the video package! Tomko talks about AJ Styles not returning his calls or having anything to do with him while he was out with an injury.

Tenay and Taz are joined on commentary by "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. Awesomeness!

Desmond Wolfe vs. Samoa Joe: Oh, sweet mother of all, YES!!! Oh, this is a thing of beauty already. Joe lays into Wolfe with punches, throws him into a corner, lands a stiff shoulder, and follows up with a leaping kick to the head. OUCH! Joe shoves his boot into Wolfe's face. Snap power slam from Joe. Joe goes for the rear naked choke, but Wolfe back into the corner and breaks the hold. Wolfe rushes Joe, but Joe grabs him and throws him down. Just some outstanding wrestling here, and I'm going to sit back and enjoy it, as should you all. An attempt at a Tower of London is countered by a rear naked choke by Joe. Wolfe shifts position and hits Joe with the Tower of London and gets the three-count. Awesome finish! This was a fantastic match. "The Pope" was great fun on commentary. Post-match, Wolfe shouts at "The Pope" that if he could beat Joe, imagine what he would do to "The Pope." The two shout at each other, and it's on!

Winner: Desmond Wolfe

To the parking lot! A huge limo pulls up. Ric Flair gets out. He's joining Tenay and Taz on commentary.

To the video package! More of Tomko complaining about AJ. These segments would have been more useful earlier and not all at once.

To the back! Here's how one apparently deals with Jeff Jarrett being cheered and Hogan being booed. Jarrett says that the "young guys" of TNA aren't worth anything, and that there isn't enough talent in TNA to fill a coffee cup. Hogan and Bischoff yell at Jarrett and the whole thing is difficult to watch, let alone listen to. Jarrett is completely unconvincing as a bad guy. Bischoff is too smug, smarmy, and fearless to be a good guy. Hogan is Hogan. Some of you are into this, I know. I can't say the same.

To the ring! Ric Flair enters, and joins the commentary table.

Tomko vs. AJ Styles (World Heavyweight Championship title match): JB makes the ring introductions. Slick Johnson is the referee. JB doesn't even get to the name of the first wrestler before AJ attacks Tomko. The action spills outside the ring, and AJ slams Tomko into the steps. Back in the ring, the action is overshadowed by both Ric Flair's commenary and the questions directed at him, and the arrival of Kurt Angle, who hugs Flair, then stands on the ramp to watch the match. A World Heavyweight title match should have no distractions. Period. Tomko punches AJ. AJ punches Tomko. AJ runs into a Big Boot and hits the mat. Tomko covers him, but only gets a two-count. Tomko wears down AJ with a rear choke. Tomko blatantly chokes AJ, then puts his boot on AJ's neck. AJ fights out, counters with the Pele kick, and pins Tomko for a three-count.

Winner (and STILL World Heavyweight Champion): AJ Styles

Post-match, Tomko attacks AJ. Angle fights off Tomko and puts his hand out to shake. AJ walks past Angle without shaking his hand. Flair seems very happy about this. Angle seems confused and miffed.

To the video package! AJ Styles And Kurt Angle talk about their ppv match at "Genesis," and finding out who the best wrestler on the planet is.

Check back here to see my predictions for Sunday's "Genesis" ppv.

Peace out,

Jana