What's up, guys! James Guttman...

That's how I start off my ClubWWI.com audios. No idea why. Matt Dawgs asked me that. I think it's just some twitch or something. Anyway....

What's up, guys! James Guttman. And tonight, I'm kicking off TNA Impact for the lovely Jana Bulloch. Jana's your new Real Time Impact Host and tonight, as she's running late, she's asked me to fill in until she tags in. Well, actually, she asked Uncle Ralph first but he just emailed her back dirty videos. Sick bastard.

So. Yeah. TNA. That's still on? Yeah. It is. In fact, we're on the road to January 4th when Impact and Raw go head-to-head. I'll be doing an Insanity that night. The only question is...for who? Impact or Raw? Hmmmm. Keep your eyes peeled because I'll be revealing which next week when the 2009  Insanity Year End Award results begin to come in. You won't want to miss this, folks. As Tony Shiavone would say, it's the most important decision in the history of this great sport...
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Kevin Nash and his white hair mullet are irate in the locker room when Big Daddy Cool grabs a microphone.  He tells Mankind that on January 4th, Hulk Hogan will arrive...and Foley will leave.  So says the Nash.  So it shall be done.

Commercial Break.  I really wanted to see Avatar until I found out that it has nothing - NOTHING - to do with the Smurfs. 

Jeremy Borash is a little sh*t-stirrer because he's back and asking Mick Foley about Kevin Nash.  Foley makes the obligatory threats at Kevin before touching upon the Jarrett situation.  That's when we get a weird moment.  Abyss comes limping in, sopping wet, to yell at Foley about forgetting his allies.  While he's jetting all over the country looking for Hulk Hogan, he got burned like TNA during it's inital Hogan negotiations.  Mick assures "Chris" that he'll watch his back at Final Resoution against Raven and Stevie, as long as Byss promises to do the same.  They pledge their love for one another and it's all very weird.  On a side note, I can't help but think that Mick Foley turns heel for Hogan after he arrives.  It's just a nagging feeling.

Backstage, Matt Morgan and his band of merry men stand by.  Matt tells us all of his bout with Brother Ray Dud...uh, nothing, tonight.  It's a lumberjack match.  It's next. 

2. Lumberjack Match: Matt Morgan vs. Brother Ray

As the match starts, Sucide has a delayed entrance.  It's sketchy stuff.  Hmmm.  Now look.  Before I waste my time recapping it, let me put it to you like this, what does every Lumberjack match you've ever seen look like?  Guy gets thrown out, all the opponent's friends jump him.  Then the other way around.  Then, after a distraction during a big brawl, the bad guy wins.  That all happens here.  Thanks to Jesse Neal and his giant sharp hairdo, Brother Ray turns the Blueprint into the black-n-blueprint. Winner: Brother Ray

Because of this, Hernandez has to start the big tag match alone at Final Resolution.  Ha ha.  Sucks to be you Hernandez.  You should bring a chain like Hercules Hernadez used to do.  That would even things up.  Get one of those brown He-Man vests too.  Hercules, baby!

Commercial Break.  Iron Gym - Won't Break Your Doorway.  Promise..

Video Package of Jeff Jarrett's TNA Career.  They touch upon the Kurt Angle situation.  Hey...remember when this all happened and I said it would end up being a work at some point?  Remember?  Well, here we are.  Everything in wrestling ends up becoming a work by the end.  The world is a stage and we're all just midcarders.

Jeff Jarrett shows up at the arena.  People stare at him in shock.  Maybe because he hasn't showered in like a week.  He looks like he stepped off the cover of a Bum Fights DVD.

Commercial Break.  I like Castrol GTX commercials.  Raw has them.  Impact doesn't.  Advantage - Raw.

Backstage, Lauren questions Beer Money about their upcoming "Feast or Fired" match.  If one of them gets the case with "You're Fired," it's the end of Beer Money.  If one of them gets a title match, they get a title shot against the British Invasion.  I can't imagine this going any other way than having each guy grab one or the other.  I also can't imagine why they're doing this stupid gimmick match again.  Anyway, Samoa Joe comes in and talks himself up.  This leads to an argument that's interrupted by Eric Young.  Eric, who has the most annoying voice on the roster, informs the Samaon Beer Monies that there are a whole army of men committed to seeing them fail.  The Invasion, Kevin Nash, and even Young himself will love to see you fall at Final Resolution.

The Beautiful People have arrived.  They do the kiss-tease.  Don't you love how they wedge things like lesbian kissing in between muscle men rolling around together?  Weird world we live in.

3. TNA Knockout Champions Sarita and Taylor Wilde vs. The Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong and Hamada

Knockout Tag Champions, eh?  Okay.  If ever there was a time for an all-women's show, it's when you have Knockout Tag titles.  I'd watch it if it were half an hour.  Hell, maybe even an hour.  I mean, let's be frank here.  I'd watch almost any wrestling if it was an hour.  That's no biggie.  Two hours is an investment.  One hour is killing time before dinner.  Speaking of killing time before dinner, Awesome Kong wasn't waiting to put this thing to bed.  She sat on Madison Rayne and pinned her.  Literally.  She sat on her.  Winners: Hamada and Awesome Kong

After the bell, Lauren rudely ran up to the Beautifuls and tried to get a comment.  After being referred to as a "skank," the interviewer could take no more.  She wound up and struck back, slapping Velvet Sky in the face.  It's like Finkle and Harvey Whippleman.  There's only so much you can take.  Sad to think that Lauren and the Beautiful People will probably just have a match while Fink and Harvey took part in "tuexedo matches" where they stripped each other into their underwear.  Weird world we live in.

Homeless Jeffy Jarrett is freaking out backstage about how angry he is.  He built this company!  He built this company!  He built this company on rock...n...rollllll!  Now he feels out of place.  He should just run to the ring and curse everyone out!  Just as Double J is about to lose his temper, Mick Foley talks him down.  Calm down, Jeff.  Mankind doesn't want to see you do anything silly.  Keep your head.  Keep your job.  JJ agrees and we head to commercial.

Commercial Break. 

Christy Hemme is playing interviewer now.  Jay Lethal is still playing Randy Savage.  It's just ridiculous and I can never believe it every time I see it.  Come on, man.  Well, at least he's not losing to old men every week...oh wait.  Yes he is.  The next encounter between Macho Jay and a legend is next.  Here it is...

4. Tatanka vs. Jay Lethal

Mike Tenay, making fun of Tazz's pronounciation, asked "Tatonka?  Where's he from?  Ronkonkoma?"  I laughed.  Ronkonkoma is a town on Long Island.  At least Ta-ta-tanka is still in good shape.  Jim Neidhart looked like Chris Farley doing the "Da Bears" guy on SNL who has the heart attacks.  At least Chris Chavis is in fighting shape.  I mean, he's not Mr. America (the bodybuilder, not Hogan) but he's believable.  As the Savage Wanna-be took various chops and hits, you had to wonder when he'd get some sort of offense in.  When he finally does, it's short lived and he gets the Samoan Drop pinfall for his trouble.  Yeah.  It's one thing to have your star job to legends to make a story play out.  It's another thing altogether to have your star get squashed by legends to make a story play out.  I mean, come on.  Winner: Tatanka

Backstage, The Motorcity Machineguns tell Christy Hemme that they have blow their own horns since no one else will.  They bitch about those who bitch about them and remind us all that they are who they are and no one can change that.

Outside Dixie Carter's office, Mick Foley tries to convince Jeff Jarrett to let him do the talking.  Foley obviously knows nothing about Jarrett because the answer is a big N-O on that one.  In fact, the Cho-cho-chosen One is going to talk to Dixie alone.  That's right.  One on one.  It's how it has to be.

Foley steps aside and Jeff walks down the hall.  Dixie Carter's office has a glass door on it.  Must make it hard to blow people off.  Sorry.  She can't see you.  She's on the phone.  No she's not!  I can see her!  All scraggly and homeless looking, Jarrett tells Dixie he wants to come back.  She isn't so forgiving though.  She has some crappy acting to get out of her system first.  Using real life stuff to sell their stories, she references Jarrett's decision to shack up with Kurt Angle's wife and kids.  He apologizes to her for doing this act of family-ganking.  Carter, in all her magesty, forgives the guitar swinger but tells him he needs to do his apologizing to the bald guy who daddied the kids he's raising. 

5. Desmond Wolfe vs. Christopher Daniels

For all TNA's negatives, we have to point to positives like the way they've used "Desmond Wolfe."  Pushing him so hard so fast was a great move and a great way to get someone right to where you want them on the card.  He's a solid performer and using him in matches against other great wrestlers like Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, and Daniels, is the smart thing to do.  Plus, his gimmick isn't too gimmicky, if that makes any sense.  It can go lots of different ways and has tons of branches to it.  He reminds me of some British spy on 24 or something.  I can picture him walking up to some guy on a crowded bus and saying, "Do you have the microfilm?" These two did a great job and but didn't go all out.  It was a good bout for TV and there's no problem with that.  I know people complain about PPV matches being given away and most times, they're right.  But in cases like this, it's okay.  We live in 2009 and there's tons of TV time to fill.  If you don't give away a Wolfe-Daniels match now and then, you'll be jamming your shows with filler re-hashes.  This was something that fans needed to see.  Wolfe worked a great mat style that, if TNA can get it over, is the future of wrestling.  People love seeing intersting wrestling holds.  They freak out in MMA when a guy ties another guy in a knot.  They freaked out when it happened here.  Why?  Well, for the same reason we freak out over highspots.  We can't do them and they look like they hurt.  There's just something awesome about seeing a dude have his legs wrapped around his own head in a submission  move that makes you go, "Damn!"  This match was chock full of that.  Then, as things got really good, the bell rang.  Ten minute time limit up.  It's a draw.  Great way to end a match like this.  The crowd is left chanting for more and there's money in these there waters. Winner: Time Limit Draw

Commercial Break.  LG has a Smart Phone that acts like a projector.  I'm holding out for the cell phone that can grant wishes.  I think that's coming out next year.

More fun with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley.  Foley tells Jeff that "wasn't Dixie in there."  She's possessed by the spirit of Ted Turner.  Jeff dismisses all that.  He had to do what he did with Carter...and he has to do what he's about to do with Kurt Angle.  With that, Cactus and Jarrett enter Kurt's locker room, where the Olympic Hero is preparing for his ten man tag match.  Double J speaks and - ha ha - ain't he great?

"Man to man, if I've offended you ro disrepscted you in any shape, form, or fashion, I'm sorry."
- Jeff Jarrett

"Yeah.  I heard what you said.  I have a match."
- Kurt Angle

As we get ready for the next match, Taz and Mike Tenay discuss the conflict between Lashley and Scott Steiner.  Inadvertantly, the Human Suplex Machine reveals how repetitive TNA can be sometimes...

"You don't mess with somebody's wife."
- Taz

Is that the theme here?  TNA Wrestling: Cross The Line and Mess With Wives

6. Bobby Lashley, AJ Styles, Tomko, Abyss, and Kurt Angle vs. Scott Steiner, The British Invasion, Raven, and Dr. Stevie

It's a brawl from the get-go with Raven getting pounded on by Abyss as Steiner beats Lashley up the aisle, taking all men from ringside for the match.  It turns the bout into a three-on-two match in the ring.  Tomko may not have been ripped, but he was definitely good.  TNA has always been able to use him well even when WWE hasn't.  With occasional shots of the parking lot brawls, we see the action both in and out of the ring.  Steve and Rave used weapons on Byss while Bobby chose to strangle Steiner with his bare hands.  Back in the ring, the good guys kept control over the Brits the entire time and when AJ Styles scored a pinfall with a small package (or "inside cradle" for those who don't want to make tiny pee-pee jokes), no one was shocked. Winners: Bobby Lashley, AJ Styles, Tomko, Abyss, and Kurt Angle

After the match came to a close, Daniels and Desmond Wolfe ran out.  Despite being enemies earlier, now they're friends.  Bestest friends!  How do I know?  Because they kick a lil ass together.  That's what they did here.  Daniels targeted World Champion AJ while Desi went after Jarrett's lady's ex.  The bad guys destroyed the Olympian and the Champion and seemed to have sent a message.  The message?  I don't know.  Something about Hulk Hogan, I would imagine.  That seems to be the big thing around here.

So, yeah.  There you go. Impact.  Treading water until January 4th.  Nothing bad.  But nothing good.  By the time Hogan debuts, we'll have a better idea of what's happening around here, but until then, it's all just time-killing.  It's how it is.

That does it for me.  Guess Jana got really hung up.  No biggie.  I just hope Uncle Ralph didn't get to her.  Yikes.  He just got some sort of Ruffies in a mist spray.  Yeah.  I know.  It's from some Canadian pharmacy.  I worry.  But no worries for you guys.  Matt Dawgs is back tomorrow with another TGIF and there's plenty of new audio on ClubWWI.com.  Until next time, Be Well.  Thanks for sharing my Insanity!

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