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As if the world of professional wrestling couldn't get any more insane....

Your Empress of "iMPACT" is here to guide you through what many are calling the most important night of pro wrestling in a very long time. Will Hulkamania run wild? Will the NWO reform under a new name? Will they take over the show via a tag team title win, courtesy of Kevin Nash from his "Feast or Fired" winnings? Will Samoa Joe cash in his World Heavyweight Championship title shot against AJ Styles on the company's biggest night yet? Will TNA's original gangstas steal the spotlight and make household names of themselves? Will a true alternative finally be presented?

Join me in saying goodbye to the six-sided ring (I'm in the minority, but I hate to see it go, and for such a silly reason) forever, and discovering the answers to these and many other questions.

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[Joker voice] And here we...go!

We open with a video package detailing TNA's history, with a particular emphasis on the big names coming in and the new era beginning tonight.

"Time for a Change"

LOTS of opening pyro. LOTS of Hogan shirts and costumes. Mike Tenay and Taz welcome us to a three-hour live special. They run down the card. Eight X-Division wrestlers compete in the "Steel Asylum" match. ODB fights Tara for the Knockouts title. Abyss fights Rhino.

Bubba the Love Sponge is announced as a new addition to the commentary team. He talks to people in the audience who all praise Hogan as the greatest wrestler of all time. The women that they talk to all gush about the hot wrestlers. One wants blood and chair shots to the head. Shut up, please.

"Steel Asylum" Match: Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Homicide vs. Kiyoshi vs. "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Suicide vs. Amazing Red: Creed is rocking the goatee, which is not a bad look for him. Much is made that three teams are in the cage with two singles competitors. Red enters without Don West. Mick Foley was denied access to the building today by TNA security. The match begins. Lots going on at once. Lethal Consequences double-team Sabin, but Shelley climbs up the opposite side of the cage. Red drops Suicide with a spinning kick to the head. Shelley gets almost all the way to the top of the cage. Lethal goes after him, and fires away with punches and kicks. Lethal and Shelley battle while clinging to the wall, but Lethal knocks Shelley down. Kiyoshi drops Sabin with a DDT-like move, but Creed takes out Kiyoshi. Suicide climbs the cage wall. Red cuts off Suicide, and they trade punches on the wall. Suicide throws Red down, but Red hurricanranas Sabin on the way down. Homicide uses an extendable baton to hit people. Homicide and Kiyoshi high-five. Homicide hits his own partner. The referee rules the match a no-contest due to weapon use. HUUUUUGE chants of "This is bullshit!" that get bleeped. Homicide continues climbing, and escapes through the cage top. The remaining seven wrestlers climb up after Homicide. He drops to the mat to get away from them, but they follow him down. Suddenly "Modest" blasts over the PA, and JEFF HARDY goes to the ring! Hardy confronts Homicide, and Homicide attacks Hardy. Hardy drops Homicide with a Twist of Fate on the ramp. Hardy climbs the cage to the roof and sits on it, bobbing his head in beat with the music. WOW! I truly don't know what to make of this.

Winner: no-contest

To the back! Jeff Hardy shakes hands with Shannon Moore.

To the streets! Hulk Hogan's imminent arrival, complete with white limo and police escort, is shown.

To the back! Christy Hemme and Kevin Nash talk up Hogan's arrival. Nash calls Hogan his first mentor, and says that whatever company Hogan worked for became the number one company in the world with the most money being made. There are lots of reasons for Nash to be excited. Hulk is on his way, and is not alone.

Knockouts Championship title match: Tara vs. ODB: ODB sports a new blue denim jumper. ODB kicks Tara in the gut as the champ is removing her t-shirt, and ODB pounds on Tara. ODB charges Tara in the corner, but Tara counters with kicks and a running clothesline. Punches are exchanged mid-ring. ODB grabs Tara's leg, but Tara hits a jumping enziguri. Tara gets a two-count on ODB. Tara locks ODB in the Tarantula, but releases the hold before the count of five. Tara hits a springboard into a legdrop, but ODB kicks out at two. ODB rolls Tara up and pulls down the tights (to the point that the camera cuts away to avoid showing Tara's bare ass). ODB gets the three-count and wins the title. Post-match, Tara hits the Widow's Peak on ODB and removes Poison from his cage. She places Poison on ODB and holds up the title belt.

Winner (and NEW) Knockouts Champion: ODB

To the back! The white limo stops and... RIC FLAIR gets out. He enters the Impact Zone. Apparently, no one learned from what happened with ROH.

To the outside! Mick Foley has been banned from the building due to his potentially disruptive influence. Foley announces that he has no intention of doing anything disruptive. Security refuses to allow Foley in and escort him from the property.

To the ring! Lashley and Kristal come to the ring. Kristal announces the Lashley has a message for Mr. Hulk Hogan. Lashley is a star, not just in wrestling, but in MMA. Unlike MMA, wrestling is filled with inbred, toothless degenerates who get what they want, while good men like Bobby have to find their own way. She yells at the crowd to shut up. She then informs us that Lashley wants to be released from his TNA contract immediately. "We have better things to do!"

To the back! Velvet Sky brings a cameraman into a back room. The Beautiful people are having a poker game show, as those get high ratings and people love to watch them. They are all mathematically challenged, and don't know what the suits mean. It doesn't matter, as the game becomes a strip poker game quickly. When they lose, everyone wins.

To the back! Scott Hall and Sean Waltman are trying to enter the building. Security won't let them in. They attack security.

More footage of the big Hogan motorcade. The arrival is next!

More footage of the big Hogan motorcade. Somebody gets out of the black limo and gets in the white limo. Ok.

To the Impact Zone! Hall and Waltman have somehow forced their way into the Impact Zone. Cheers erupt.

It finally happens. Hulk Hogan enters the Impact Zone. He's in full "Hollywood Hogan" mode, dressed in black from doo-rag to boots, and stubble. He nods and poses and flexes for the crowd, and people are screaming their heads off. Hall and Waltman point at Hogan from the audience and applaud. Hogan has a mic. Brooke is in the audience, and is pointed out. Every shirt in the place seems to be a Hogan shirt. He already has more different shirts than the entire X-Division roster combined. Why are we seeing camera shots of the fans drinking beer? It just makes Kristal look right. Chants of "TNA!" kick in. Hogan is going to speak now.

"What's up, TNA-maniacs?"

Hogan says that TNA and the Maniacs are making history tonight. Hogan says that he has been in the back all day long. WTF? Explain the motorcade, then! Hogan says that there are lots of great young talent in the back, and a lot of old faces in the back, ready to rev up again. Hogan claims to have spent the day listening to the talent talk and share their ideas. While Hogan talks, Hall and Waltman try to force their way to the ring. Hogan tells security to back off and let them come say what they have to say in the ring. They do. Wolf Pack signs are made by all three.

"Hey, yo."

Hall says that when they heard that Bischoff, Hogan, and Nash were all in the same place, that meant one thing to them. Big paychecks, big sold-out arenas, and big parties. Hogan says that it's a different time and place, and it won't be like that this time. Hall and Waltman refuse to believe it. Hogan says that it's time that they all grow up and do the right thing for the business. Massive chants of "Hogan!" here. Hall argues with Hogan, and Kevin Nash's music kicks in. Nash walks to the ring, hugs everyone, and grabs a mic. Nash says that Hogan has a role to play tonight, and to let him play it. Hogan interrupts and says that he isn't playing. He made a deal with Dixie, and gave her his word that they would do what was right for the company. Nash says that this isn't the conversation that he and Hogan have been having on the phone, and wonders when Hogan turned so corporate. Cue Eric Bischoff's music. Bischoff and Nash have matching gray hair. Bischoff takes the mic and points out how the group of men in the ring changed the business forever. Bischoff says that EVERYBODY has to earn their positions in TNA. Nash smiles and says he hears Bischoff loud and clear, they'll talk to him later. Nash, Hall, and Waltman leave the ring. Hogan and Bischoff are left in the ring. Hogan says that everybody has to earn a spot. He doesn't care about past relationships or who was on a roll. Bischoff says that everybody, from janitor to World Heavyweight Champion, will be under the microscope. Hogan says that they will become the number one sports entertainment company in the world. Yuk. Hogan and Bischoff demand a format from a producer, and get one. He tears it up. Bischoff hands So Cal Val a new stack of papers and says that this is what is going to happen tonight. Hogan says that if you can't talk and you can't wrestle, pack your bags and head up north. Hogan and Bischoff leave. Suddenly, we get a camera shot of Sting up in the rafters.

Knockouts Tag Team Championship title match: Awesome Kong & Hamada vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita: This would be a fantastic match to prove that women can wrestle and that the Divas aren't the only offering. Too bad that the first hour of the show was so awful that no one will see this match. I heart Sarita. I want to be Hamada. The announcement is made that at the upcoming "Genesis" ppv, Kurt Angle will get his title shot at AJ Styles. Sarita and Hamada start. They lock up. Chants of "You're all awesome!" Yes. Yes, you are. Lots of back and forth action here. We cut to the back, which would normally annoy me to no end, but it's to show that the Motor City Machine Guns, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley, have been knocked unconscious in the back. NOOO! I shall fetch my nurse's outfit and be right there! My professional medical opinion is that Chris Sabin requires special treatment. Oh, sorry, we DID have a title match going on. Sarita hits a suicide dive over the top rope to take out Kong and Hamada on the floor. We cut to a commercial break. When we return, Wilde and Hamada have a go. Hamada tags in Kong, who clubs Wilde to the mat. Wilde tries desperately to make a tag, but Kong eats a kick to the face. Wilde tags in Sarita, who goes after Kong's legs. Hamada kicks Sarita in the face. Hamada and Kong double-team Sarita, and Kong goes for an Awesome Bomb. Sarita wriggles out of it, but Kong sits on her. At 2 3/4, Wilde hits Kong with a drop kick. Hamada throws Wilde into the ring steps. Kong gets Sarita up for an Awesome Bomb while Hamada climbs to the top rope. Hamada hits Sarita with a missile drop kick as Kong hits her with an Awesome Bomb. Kong pins Sarita for the three-count.

Winners (and NEW Knockouts Tag Team Champions): Hamada & Awesome Kong

To the back! The Beautiful People are down to their underthings. The game is interrupted by... VAL VENIS! He's wearing a towel. TBP start to say who he is, but he cuts them off, saying that there's no point in focusing on old names. Nice one. He wants in the game, and points out that if he loses one hand, it's all over for him. They want ratings, right? He's going to take their game to a whole new level. Let the games begin!  

To the door! Foley tries to talk his way into the building. The guys guarding the door agree to tell security that they haven't seen him. The Nasty Boys show up, demanding to be let in. Security sends them around front.

Raven and Dr. Stevie (w/ Daffney) vs. Matt Morgan and Hernandez: Ok, wait! You mean that I missed a Daffney entrance because we had to watch the Nasty Boys try to enter the building??? Soulless Philistines!!! Ric Flair apparently went in to AJ Styles's locker room. This match is over almost immediately. Hernandez and Raven start, and Hernandez overpowers Raven. Both men tag out, and Morgan drops Stevie with the Carbon Footprint. This means that Hernandez and Morgan get a tag team title shot at the British Invasion at the "Genesis" ppv. WTF??? Why? My MCMG deserve better than this!

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. Pope is on fire with a great promo. Just watch it, he's gold. Hogan has booked Pope in a match against Desmond Wolfe tonight. The promo is interrupted by Orlando Jordan, who carries some 5 Hour Energy Drink in his hand. Jordan is looking for Hogan. The exchange is odd, but somewhat funny.

Desmond Wolfe vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero: Pope has the greatest entrance in wrestling that doesn't involve Velvet Sky's ass. Wolfe works over Pope's arm, but Pope retaliates with kicks and a flying forearm. Wolfe hits the flying hammerlock takedown, and takes control of the match. Pope tries to sunset flip Wolfe, but Wolfe stops it and continues to work the arm. Owww! This is just brutal. Pope dodges a running corner attack from Wolfe and counters with a huge elbow drop. Chanting "This is wrestling" for every match doesn't make it true. Pope rolls up Wolfe in a small package and gets the win! Wolfe claims that it was a fast count, but Pope beat Wolfe. Nice!

Winner: "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

To the back! Jeff Jarrett is here.

To the back! Rhino has been taken out backstage as well. Bubba the Love Sponge takes over the mic from Jeremy Borash, and announces that he isn't doing it, but he'll get to the bottom of this. Do we have to suffer through this guy every show now? Why am I even asking that question?

To the replay of the Hogan debut!

To the back! Jeff Jarrett is all smiles and rubbing his hands together. He's on his way to the Impact Zone right now! Um, where the hell else would he be heading? The Eiffel Tower?

To the back! JB interviews AJ Styles. AJ says that he still has a lot to prove. He can't hold the title with pride until he beats Kurt Angle. Bischoff applauds slowly, and enters the picture. Bischoff has good news and bad news. AJ/Angle isn't going to happen at "Genesis." It will happen tonight in the main event. AJ seems pleased. However, the "Genesis" posters hanging on the walls that have AJ and Angle's pictures on them would seem to be a waste.

To the ring! Jeff Jarrett enters, mic in hand. He says that it feels great to be back home in the Impact Zone! Seven years ago, he founded TNA. Loud chants of "Thank you, Jeff!" Jarret says that he tried to get Hogan to be a prt of TNA in the past, but the timing just wasn't right. Tonight, on a Monday night, the time was right. The most rewarding thing that he has ever done was giving chances to young guys, like Beer Money (whom he considers the greatest tag team in the business, which explains the tag team title picture), the Motor City Machine Guns (added as an afterthought), Daniels, Samoa Joe, and AJ Styles. Hogan interrupts Jarrett, saying that Dixie Carter resurrected TNA after Jarrett ran it into the ground. Loud chants of "Bullshit!" get bleeped. All the young guys are going to get real shots now, as Hogan is Dixie's partner. The business deal has been restructured. Jeff has no voting power or stroke, and has to get in line and prove himself by wrestling with everybody else. This was really awkward, and seemed weird.

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Daniels, who is not worried about his position. His talent and strength of character will speak for itself. JB interrupts the interview, sending Daniels off in a huff. JB has Foley on the phone, wanting JB to let him in. Christy and JB try to tell him to go away, but Foley gets in anyway.

To the back! Jeff Hardy paints a self-portrait, much like the one on his last WWE shirt. He and Shannon Moore talk about something being a felony. Hmm. Then Moore says that the big man is ready to meet with Jeff Hardy, and they leave.

To the ring! Abyss enters for his match that was originally scheduled to be against Rhino. Hogan and Bischoff have made a new match.

Abyss vs. Samoa Joe: Joe lays into Abyss with punches. Abyss throws Joe across the ring. Joe kicks Abyss and follows up with a face wash. Joe rushes Abyss, but Abyss counters with a big boot. Joe goes to the floor. Abyss follows him. Joe tries to hit Abyss with a chair, but misses and hits the ringpost with the chair. Abyss dominates, but Joe eventually kicks him and takes control after a senton back splash. Joe only gets a two-count. We cut to a shot of Sting in the rafters. Joe fights out of a choke slam. Abyss hits Joe with two running clotheslines and a big side slam. Joe kicks out at two. Abyss claps like a child with Down's Syndrome. Joe leaps from the middle rope with a thrust kick or a high round kick. The announcers are confused. Joe and Abyss stare down in the center of the ring. Abyss yells and flexes. Joe kicks him in the shoulder. Abyss drops Joe, but Joe kicks out at two and goes to the floor. Abyss tries to pull Joe back in the ring, and referee Slick Johnson stops him. With the referee's attention distracted, Joe hits Abyss in the head with a steel chair. Just like that ignorant jerk interviewed at the start of the show said that she wanted to see. Joe locks Abyss in the Kokina Clutch. Abyss tries to make it to the ropes and break the hold, but Joe is too much for him, and he taps out.

Winner: Samoa Joe

To the back! Bischoff discusses formats and segments with a techie. Things about which casual fans know nothing and smart mark fans care nothing. Kristal walk sup and demands to know what Bischoff thinks of Lashley's demands for his release. Bischoff doesn't care. Kristal demands a meeting with Hogan, and says that TNA is losing the biggest star it ever had. Bischoff tells her to get a number and wait in line like everybody else, and to check her attitude at the door. Kristal says that he clearly doesn't know who he's talking to. Bischoff still doesn't care.

To the back! Beer Money has been laid out backstage. Bubba the Love Sponge says that he has an idea of who is doing this. I now officially hate Bubba the Love Sponge.

To the back! JB interviews Kurt Angle about his upcoming World Heavyweight Championship title match against AJ Styles. Angle says that AJ has had a nice run with the title, but he's getting it back tonight.

To the parking lot! Shannon Moore and Jeff Hardy leave the Impact Zone with large yellow envelopes. Moore asks if Hardy isn't excited about getting everything that they came for. Hardy says that everything that they came for MIGHT be there. Three young girls run up, screaming. Are they Jeff Jarrett's daughters? I didn't catch that part. They love Jeff Hardy. Hardy gives them his painting and kisses the nearest one on the cheek. They run away, screaming. Hardy and Moore get in a tiny yellow sportscar and leave.

To the locker room! The Nasty Boys trash the place and target Team 3D, who are in Japan. I guess we know who's going to be feuding now.

World Heavyweight Championship title match: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles: This is the main event, as well it should be. I swear, if Ric Flair gets involved in this match, I will shout "Turnip!" in a very loud voice! Some excellent wrestling begins the match, but is soon interrupted by a run-in from the black-clad masked man who had been attacking AJ on a weekly basis before. DAMMIT! Angle takes issue with this interference, and helps to throw the guy out of the ring. Angle controls the match during the commercial break. We literally get about thirty seconds of the "wrestling classic" of which Tenay speaks before more commercials kick in. I sincerely don't believe this.

CRAP! I'm so sorry, everybody. The server was busy, and I lost the rest of this match. It really has been good. Angle kicked out of three Styles Clashes and a springboard 450 splash, but AJ hits another springboard 450 splash for the pin and win. Again, I'm really sorry, as there was significantly more detail before. It was saved, I was certain, but apparently not.

Winner (and STILL World Heavyweight Champion): AJ Styles

Post-match, AJ and Angle hug. Hogan comes out. He says that those are the two greatest wrestlers in this business today. Hogan has nothing but respect for Angle, and AJ has just raised the TNA bar to a whole new level. This is the beginning of the greatest rise in the history of -

Hogan is informed that Mick Foley is in the building. Hogan takes off. Foley interrupts the strip poker game with the man not named Val Venis and The Beautiful People looking for Hogan. Foley is directed to Bischoff's office, where Foley is informed that his Executive Shareholder certificate isn't worth the paper that it was printed on. Foley says that while he had accepted working for Dixie Carter, he swore that he would never again work for Eric Bischoff. If Foley is getting fired anyway, he's giving Bischoff a reason to fire him. He says he'll knock Bischoff's teeth down his throat. The former NWO jump Foley and beat him down. The last shot is a Hogan close-up.

And we're done.

Peace out,

Jana