The aftermath of another PPV named after a part of the career of Phil Collins, leads us to iMPACT! What will happen, now that the Pope is the number one contender for AJ Styles? How many times will Hulk Hogan say 'Brother'? Will I be able to last two hours without violently vomiting? Tune in at the hour, where I, Chris Cooley, cover for Jana Bulloch, as she does things only a Girly Parts Jesus can do, like turn beers into jewelry.

After the show, watch out for the next Vintage Collection review, due to be up in the next day or two. Also, much like RDLee, I haven't seen much of iMPACT! lately, as I did not watch the LIVE Jan 4th edition.

Join me at the top of the hour, where I Cross The Line! Please join me... don't make me do this alone...

We begin with the limo of Eric Bischoff on the phone, talking to a mystery person. Easy E follows this by saying 'Let The Games Begin'.

A recap of Against All Odds, with D'Angelo Dinero's victory in the 8 Card Stud tournament, AJ Styles retaining the TNA Championship, and Dixie and Hulk's announcement that iMPACT! is going live Monday nights starting March 8th.

Cue the intro. Awesome Kong is still in the opening...Hmm

Enter 'The Pope' D'Angelo Dinero. He's having a party in the iMPACT! zone, because the Pope is Pimpin'. I wonder if he's a better pimp than the Godfather? The Pope just called Ric Flair 'Dick Flair', because Ric is a Dick, and AJ Styles 'Arthur Jackson'. Just as Dinero proclaims he's walking out of Lockdown the Champion. We hear Flair's music, very similar to the music he had in the WWE, as Naitch, AJ, and Flair's women come to ringside. Ric is teaching the Pope how to read, and what 'Armani' is. Naitch was bling, even before there was bling... wait, Ric Flair was jewelry? Was he ever Flava Flav's clock?

D'Angelo tells Naitch, in regards to AJ Styles, that you can dress up a piece a crap, put shades on it, dye his hair, do whatever, but it's still a piece of crap. Styles tries to trash talk, but Dinero fires back with right hands. The double team of Styles and Flair take over, and the Pope is helpless. Naitch introduces a chair, and snaps the ankle of the Pope with it. AJ then applies the Figure Four, as we head to commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

We return, with a recap of the attack on Dinero.

Tenay and Taz, then talk about iMPACT! LIVE Monday Nights starting March 8th.

MATCH#1: Daffney vs. Tara

Daffney tries to gain control early, but it doesn't take very long for Tara to gain control, getting a near fall with a Slam. Daffney has control, until Tara gets a shot in on the outside. Daffney grabs a toolbox from under the ring, and nails the KnockOuts champion with it, causing a DQ.

YOUR WINNER via DQ: Tara

Daffney continues the punishment, putting a guard rail over Tara, then hitting her with the chair, until Dr. Stevie pulls Daffney away.

Foley enters Bischoff's office, and they talk Foley's match at Against All Odds. Then Eric introduces Mick to some fashion designers, because Easy E wants Foley 'Looking fine for TNA'. ATM Eric.. his words is paying for the Mick Makeover. Bischoff then gets on the phone, and demands to see Abyss. Guess what happens next...? If you guessed an ad break, you would be right.

COMMERCIAL:

Back from commercial, and Kevin Nash has just arrived.

MATCH#2: Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe

It looks like ClubWWI.com's own, Orlando Jordan, has also borrowed from the Ric Flair wardrobe. Joe's music plays, but no Joe. That's because he's ran into Bischoff backstage who dares Joe to impress him.

Samoa Joe has all the offence early, but can't find a pinfall, and ends up being countered with a Spine Buster by OJ. This allows Jordan to have the momentum, until Joe fights out of a chinlock, and regains control. Joe keeps nailing Orlando on the top rope, until OJ counters Joe into a back breaker-type move, giving Jordan the three.

YOUR WINNER: Orlando Jordan

Backstage, Abyss is talking to JB about what Bischoff wants to see him about. I guess we'll find out after the commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

I like the fact, that TNA would much rather promote LockDown!, than they would their next PPV, Destination X.

Abyss is in Eric's office. Bischoff is annoyed that a Barbed-Wire Bat was not used at Against All Odds, and he wants Abyss' mask. What's Bischoff's obsession with masks? He wanted Kane's, now Abyss', maybe he wants to reveal that Kane and Abyss are the same person.

Christy Hemms is with Eric Young, talking Nash. EY talks about how Big Kev is annoyed at Hall and Waltman, and that if wants to talk to them, he will.

Another plug for Monday Night Nitro iMPACT! airs, before yet another commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

We return to find Jarrett in what looks like his wooden cabin, and Bischoff carrying a Barbed-Wire Bat. He wants J-E-Double F in his match against Abyss.

MATCH#3: TNA X-Division Champion Doug Williams/Brian Kendrick/Motor City Machine Guns vs. Amazing Red/Generation Me/Kazarian??

Kaz is back?? Does this mean the end for Suicide?

Kazarian has control, and then Generation Me, followed by MCMG take over. Red gets the tag, and starts to gain momentum. The plugs for Destination X - An X-Division only PPV, begin. As Red takes down Doug Williams, and gets the tag to Kaz. Kaz starts to clean house, until everyone except the MCMG and Kaz are cleared. Red nails the MCMG on the outside, and Kaz hits a Springboard DDT from the apron on Williams, to gain the fall.

YOUR WINNERS: Kazarian/ Amazing Red/ Generation Me

Abyss wants to leave, but a referee says no, and tells Abyss he has a match. Abyss/Jarrett is next, after TNA's favourite thing. A commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

Jarrett is thinking about using the bat against Abyss, like Easy E wants him to, just to get another commercial.

COMMERCIAL: No Leary clip this time. I won't have enough to last the show otherwise.

MATCH#4: Abyss vs. Jeff Jarrett

No Hogan tonight. Looks like I lucked out. I have never been a Hogan fan, and I never will be.

What happened to Jarrett's music? Maybe he doesn't get any now, as punishment for competing in the WWA. Then again, being in the WWA was punishment enough.

Why is it, I want to zone out, every time a match happens?

Jarrett takes control, as he attempts to destroy Abyss, but is countered, and Jeff kisses the chair. Abyss is afraid of using the bat, like he's scared of getting cooties off it. Jeff wants to run Abyss into the chair, which is placed in the corner, but it doesn't work, and both men go down with a clothesline. Eric Bischoff heads to ringside, and Jarrett points to the bat, as another set of commercial appears.

COMMERCIAL:

The Tower 200, from Body By Jake, fits in your door, but comes 100% assembled. Does that mean it comes with it's very own door?

We return, with Abyss slamming Jarrett. Abyss gets a near fall with a chokeslam, that was 'very, very devastating' according to Taz. Jarrett counters Abyss into the Stroke, and then he nails the Stroke again, this time onto the chair in the corner. Jarrett grabs the Barbed Wire Bat, and Abyss is begging for mercy. Double J throws the bat to the outside, and Bischoff gets on the mic, and calls for the troops. Desmond Wolfe, Rhino, Raven, Homicide and Tomko come down and dismantle Abyss, holding him for the unmasking. Eric goes to rip off the mask, but Hogan's music hits, and the Hulkster enters the building.

Hulk tells Abyss to get back to his office, then leaves. Bischoff is in shock, as we have yet another commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

We return with a recap of the actions involving Abyss, Bischoff and Hogan.

Abyss is headed to Hogan's office, flanked by security.

MATCH#5: The British Invasion (Brutus Magnus/Rob Terry) vs. Beer Money Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode)

TNA finally have my attention. Jana has the Guns. I have Beer Money. And Taylor Wilde.

Both teams try to gain the advantage, but it takes Terry clotheslining Storm, for the British Invasion to gain control. Roode gets the tag, and also gains momentum. Beer Money nail a double suplex on Terry. Roode back drops Storm onto Terry on the outside, taking him out, then Beer Money hit the DWI on Magnus for the win

YOUR WINNERS: Beer Money Inc.

Magnus has the mic, and takes his anger out on Rob Terry, and slaps him. Magnus then claims the Global Championship as his own, but Rob Terry nails him, and takes his belt back.

Kevin Nash is shown backstage. He wants to talk to Hall and Waltman. Well, it's gonna haveta happen after a commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

Geico said they give as good insurance, as Johnny is at playing the fiddle. Personally, I think the devil was robbed both times, he went to Georgia. That means, in my opinion, Geico do not give good insurance. That is, if Geico give insurance...

We're back, and Abyss is panicking in Hogan's office. Hulk sends Eric out, and begins on Abyss. Hogan is sick of seeing Abyss shake (NOTE: Maybe Abyss has Parkinson's Disease, then he can't stop shaking Hogan) Hulk then shows Abyss his Hall of Fame ring, and says that that ring is his life, then gives it to Abyss. Don't tell Abyss that Hulk got that ring out of a box of Count Chocula. That ring will make Abyss ten times better than Hogan ever was. That ring must be laced with steroids, and other drugs from Brutus Beefcake's medicine cabinet.

MATCH#6: Daniels vs. Kurt Angle

Since when did Kurt Angle start wearing a dog tag?

Daniels got for a near fall early, but Angle counters a Sunset Flip attempt in to the Angle Lock, and just like that. This match is done. Daniels does the J.O.B to Angle in a minute and a half. Looks like he has a job for the next ten years.

YOUR WINNER: Kurt Angle

Angle is pissed off at Mr. Anderson, because he cut him open, with Kurt's own dog tag. Angle then has a teary in the ring, saying he's had a hard 18 months. He talks about his divorce, shaming his kids, and getting accused of things he didnt do. Kurt talks about how he posted bail, and then went to a base down in Texas, where he met soldiers and families of soldiers. One soldier gave him the over-sized dog tag, and reads the inscription. It ends with 'But one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back'. Angle bleeding makes soldiers, and families of fallen soldiers bleed. Busting Kurt open, makes U.S. soldiers bleed, and spitting on the dog tag, means you spat on the soldiers, and on the United States of America. See? Kurt Angle really is God.

Kurt Angle will see Mr. Anderson in hell. Van Damnit, now I gotta put up with Angle and Anderson in hell.

Tenay sends us to commercial with the following... "Don't go anywhere, we're sitting on an explosion". Wouldn't it be a good idea, to get off the explosion, before you become nothing but shrapnel? Let's find out if they become debris, after the break.

COMMERCIAL:

We return, with Hugo Weaving Mr. Anderson mocking Angle's moment from before the break. Ken is proud of making Angle bleed. Anderson says if Angle is a peacock, he can fight him. Are birds the only thing Mr. Anderson can wrestle without getting injured? Angle approaches Ken, and the two start brawling, until... bugger it, Kennedy takes a shot into the wound on Angle's forehead. Ken then welcomes Kurt to 'Total Nonstop Anderson'... umm, everyone knows that TNA stands for 'Total Nonstop Angle'. Does that count as copyright infringement? I'll work it out during the following commercial.

COMMERCIAL:

JB is talking in the parking lot to Samoa Joe. Joe is then attacked by mystery men in a white van, and abducted the Samoan Submission Machine. Maybe it's the WWE, saving the decent TNA talent from Hogan?

Enter Nash and EY.

Big Daddy Cool is regretting making Hall and Waltman his friends. Diesel then bought two black suits, because he knows he needs one for when he goes in the dirt. Nice to know Kevin isnt going to buried naked.

Diesel then calls out Razor and X-Pac. Nash then describes himself as the big, grey-haired sumbitch standing in the ring. It's a good thing he did that, because knowing Hall and Waltman, they would probably mistake Nash for the ringpost.

EY heads out of the ring, and starts brawling with Waltman, leaving the Outsiders to go at it. Hall flicks his toothpick at Kev, and that brings out security to break it up. Hogan comes out to the apron, as Big Sexy says that next week, it's on. Maybe he means a tag match? Whichever way it is, I bet it's gonna suck.

Anyways, that's the end of iMPACT! My thanks to JG for allowing me to cover for Jana, who will be back very shortly. As for me, be sure to check out the WWE Vintage Collection's look at the Royal Rumble, provided to you by Yours Truly. Thanks for those who read the report, and helped me survive the show.

On behalf of myself... I bid you farewell.