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Greetings, fellow line-crossers! All three of you. Your Empresss of "Impact," your Girly Parts Jesus, has no idea what's happening on the show tonight. I stopped reading spoilers a month ago. For my health. As far as the show is concerned, we shall all find out together. Today is also Chris Sabin's birthday. On an "Impact" night. Heh. Unfortunately, James Guttman made me take down the photos that were to be added to this review as the future Mr. Bulloch's birthday present, citing something about the NSFW section of the site. I don't know, I was too busy pouting to really pay attention. :P In any case, rest assured that we shall see Hogan, Bischoff, Foley, and Angle. Probably The Band and the Nasty Boys. Should we even hope for anyone else? Yeah, that's what I thought too.

[Joker voice] And here we...go!

We open with a video recap of the Hogan/Bischoff/Foley confrontation. What is Foley going to do? Jeremy Borash and Abyss get fired if Foley doesn't play ball with Bischoff. Angle calls out AJ Styles. The abomination of Hogan/Hebner/Angle is replayed for all to see. Jarrett/Bischoff/Anderson ties it all up. Wasn't it bad enough that we had to watch all this last week?

Lots of Hogan and Hulkamania signs. Gee, I wonder how that happened.

Brutus Magnus vs. Mr. Anderson: This is a qualifying match for the "Eight Card Stud" Tournament at the ppv. Poor Magnus. He was never that horrible, just stuck in a dreadful gimmick at first. Am I the only one hoping that Magnus would interrupt Anderson's promo and lengthy introduction. Anderson repeatedly mentions the "four-sided ring" and points out that HH is th eone who said the Anderson was the future of the business. Hey, at least we're starting with a match, even if it's a squash. Anderson dominates at first, but Magnus drives him into the corner with punches. Anderson takes advantage, stomping on Magnus's hands and kicking him. Loud chants of "Anderson! Anderson!" Right. Anderson continues to punch and kick Magnus in th ecorner. Magnus tries to fight back, throwing punches. Flying elbow from Magnus. Magnus covers Anderson for a two-count. Magnus gets Anderson up in the Tormentum, but Anderson gouges the eyes and drops Magnus with the Mic Check. Far too short and a total joke of a match. The usual post-match mic work. I know that the guy has his fans, but I don't get the love.

Winner: Mr. Anderson  

To the garage! Mick Foley arrives in his junked-up car.

To the locker room! Christy Hemme tries to ask Kurt Angle about his qualifying match against Tomko, but Angle wants to talk about Hogan. Angle calls out HH as being behind the beatdowns from The Band and the Orlando Screwjob. Angle tells HH to expect a visit from him tonight, and that he's coming with a very bad attitude.

Tenay and Taz run down the card.

To the ring! Eric Bischoff enters alone. Bischoff smirks, as always. He says that HH made it clear that Foley had to get on the same page as Bischoff, and Foley would not. This decision would cost Foley dearly. Cue Foley's music. Enter the Foley, to tremendous ovation and chanting. Foley has always liked pretty much everybody in the business. Except Bischoff. He came in to the business as a salesman, the worst announcer in history, and an executive. Foley launches into a blistering tirade against Bischoff for daring to mess with the lives of two other people, Abyss and Jeremy Borash. Fantastic stuff from Foley. Bischoff puts Foley in a match against Kevin Nash, so that Nash can get revenge for Foley's attack. Bischoff reminds Foley that he still holds Abyss's and JB's futures in his hands, even if Foley refuses to play ball. Backstage, Abyss freaks out while watching all this on th emonitor. He asks JB, who is passing by to collect his final check, if he'll be ok. JB is all seriousness when he says that when Eric Bischoff is around, no one is safe. Abyss came off as a total idiot here, with the breathy, high-pitched voice and general breakdown.

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Tara, who says that Angelina Love has earned her respect since her return. However, Angelina isn't getting the title tonight.

Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez: This is a tag team title match. Ok. Ray and Hernandez start, and it's all power on both sides. Hernandez eventually takes Ray down with a shoulder block. Ray splashes Hernandez in the corner. Ray tears open Hernandez's shirt and chops his chest. Ray throws Hernandez off the top rope, and covers Hernandez for a two-count. Devon tags in. Hernandez tags Morgan. Devon takes Morgan down, and covers him for a two-count. Morgan drops Devon with a clothesline and covers him for a two-count. Hernandez tags in, and works Devon's neck. Hernandez places Devon on the top rope, and the two jockey for position. Devon bites Hernandez's forehead. Both men hit the floor. Morgan and Ray are tagged in. Morgan misses a Carbon Footprint. Ray and Devon tag team Morgan, and Ray covers Morgan for a two-count. Hernandez tags in. Team 3D go for the "Wazzup" on Hernandez, but the Nasty Boys run down and shove Devon from the top. Morgan hits Ray with the Carbon Footprint, and covers him for the win. Post-match, the Nasty Boys attack Team 3D. Morgan and Hernandez run back and help Team 3D. Good God, the Nasty Boys actually have a new shirt. Morgan and Hernandez explain what just happened. The four seem to be cool now, after a show of mutual respect. This was awful. Just awful.

Winners (and STILL Tag Team Champions): Matt Morgan & Hernandez

Jesse Neal vs. Samoa Joe: Neal starts pounding on Joe. Joe flattens Neal in the corner. Joe throws Neal over with a high-collar t-bone suplex. Joe squashes Neal in the corner, and follows up with a kick. HUGE chants for Joe. Joe headbutts Neal. Neal fights back and gouges the eyes. Neal lands a running punch on Joe. AWSOME moment when Neal lepas from the second rope at Joe, and Joe turns and walks away. Joe deals Neal an abundance of open-hand slaps before planting him with a FANTASTIC one-handed Muscle Buster. Joe pointed at the camera and shouted "AJ!" as he did so. Joe covers Neal and we're done. Now THIS is a good squash.

Winner: Samoa Joe

To the back! Christy Hemme asks HH what he thinks about Angle's accusations. HH hasn't heard anything about it. He tells Christy to tell Angle that he'll be around all night, and isn't hard to find. This was poo.

"The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero vs. AJ Styles: This is a non-title match, and is an opportunity for Pope to prove himself. Pope has the greatest entrance in wrestling today. Period! I concur with the person who said that Pope was the next Nature Boy, not AJ. AJ enters with Ric Flair. Tenay and Taz discuss AJ's new interest in suburban mansions, beachfront property, and fancy clothes. AJ chops Pope in the corner. Pope catches AJ in a drop toe hold, floats over, and works the neck. Both men fight out and return to their feet. AJ runs the ropes, and Pope back body drops him. AJ rolls out to the floor, where Flair advises him. Commercial break. AJ drills Pope with an elbow to th eback of the head. Running of the ropes, and Pope gets hit with a drop kick. Pope grabs the bottom rope, but AJ yanks him up. Chops are exchanged, but AJ chokes Pope on the ropes. AJ laughs as the referee counts to five. He does know Bryan Danielson, after all. AJ straddles Pope and punches him. Pope fights back with punches and reversals. Pope rolls up AJ for a 2 1/2 count. AJ drops Pope with a running back elbow. Huge chants of "Let's go, Pope!" AJ throws Pope down by the hair. HUGE chants of "Pope is pimpin'!" Pope blocks a punch and deals out one of his own. Atomic drop on AJ, followed by a shoulder block. AJ counters with a Pele kick that flattens Pope. Pope dodges a flying leap into the corner from AJ. AJ dodges the running Coronation, as Taz called it. Pope rolls up AJ with a small package for the win! Holy Jeebus!!! AJ and Flair beat down Pope. Cue Samoa Joe! YES! Joe attacks AJ with an unholy fiery passion of burning. AJ and Flair beg off, and Flair takes out Joe's knee. AJ and Flair celebrate. Pope gets back up, and attacks AJ and Flair. Joe starts to get back up. Security comes down and drags them apart.

Winner: "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

To the ring! Flair and AJ are backing up the ramp. Flair shouts that this is the new TNA, and that they'll get their asses kicked. Flair doesn't seem to know anyone's names. Hmm. Lots of the usual shouting and ranting from Flair. Joe grabs a mic and rips into AJ. He asks AJ why he gave up everything for some overpriced suits and some of Flair's wholesale hookers. However much Joe may have hated AJ, AJ used to be a warrior. Joe has to remind AJ how to be a man and a champion. Joe is cashing in his World title shot against AJ at the "Against All Odds" ppv. Fantastic promo from Joe here. Joe turns to Pope and says that they should go down there and give AJ and Flair a taste of what the inevitable is.

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Angelina Love. Love says that she taught the Beautiful People everything that they know, but she didn't teach them everything that SHE knows. Success is the best revenge, and she is awesome at revenge.

To the locker room! Kevin Nash and Eric Young chat. Bischoff walks in, and Young introduces himself. Bischoff asks Young for a minute with Nash alone. Youngleaves, and Bischoff says that he'll have forgotten his name by morning. Bischoff wants Nash to destroy Foley in the ring. Nash mentions The Band not having contracts. Bischoff says it's because those guys are screw-ups who wouldn't follow their rules. Nash can join them, or take out Foley.

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Mick Foley about his match against Nash. Abyss interrupts, all a-twitter about his job. Foley reassures Abyss that he'll take care of business in the ring. He makes Abyss promise to stay backstage, no matter how bad it gets. Abyss agrees, reluctantly.

Tomko vs. Kurt Angle: This is another "Eight Card Stud" qualifying match for the ppv. The tournament will decide the #1 Contender to the World Heavyweight title, against either Joe or AJ. Angle hits a German suplex on Toimko right away, but Tomko kicks Angle down. Both men are up Headbutt from Angle. Angle clotheslines Tomko to the floor. Are those chants of "Fuck you, Tomko" that I hear? Tomko throws Angle shoulder-first into the ringpost. Power slam by Tomko, and a pin for a two-count. Tomko works Angle's neck. Angle fights out with elbows to the gut. Tomko slams Angle down. Tomko goes to the top rope, but Angle runs up and throws Tomko to the mat. Both men take a long moment to get back up. One! One German suplex. Ha ha ha ha! Two! Two German suplexes. Ha ha ha ha! Tomko tries to elbow out of another one, but Angle hits him with an Angle Slam. Tomko clotheslines Angle's head nearly off. Tomko misses a kick, and Angle returns to the German suplexes. One, two, three, four. The straps come down, and Angle latches on the Angle Lock with the drop down. Tomko taps.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle, Desmond Wolfe, Hernandez, and Mr. Anderson have qualified for the "Eight Card Stud" tournament at "Against All Odds." Four more spots to fill.

To the video recap! The Kevin Nash "prank" on sending Mick Foley to meet with "Hulk" is shown again. Why? More of the Foley/Bischoff confrontation.

To the office! Nash enters HH's office, saying that he's on their team and willing to destroy Foley. He wants Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac to get another chance. HH says that they're acting up worse than ever, and have had too many chances. Nash agrees to do what HH and Bischoff want, but they need to keep an open mind about The Band.

To the video recap! The break-up of the Beautiful people and the subsequent return of Angelina Love are shown.

Tara vs. Angelina Love: This is a Knockouts title match. So I read that Lacey Von Erich won't be going anywhere because Hogan and Bischoff like her look, and feel that she can be taught to work. I just threw up in my mouth a little. This match should be good. Lock up, and jockeying for position. Tara takes over first with a side headlock. Love catches Tara in a headscissors to escape. Love gets a backslide on Tara, but Tara kicks out. Commercial break. Greco-Roman knuckle lock. Angelina floats over and works Tara's arm. A blurred circle pops up on Tara's chest. Doesn't look like any wardrobe malfunction. Love rolls Tara up in the corner, but Tara kicks out. Tara slams Love down, but Love kicks out at two. Love misses a bicycle kick. Tara gets Love up for the Widow's Peak, but Love counters out. Tara pins Love flat for the three-count. Handshakes afterwards. Post-match, the Beautiful People run down and attack Love. Tara pauses for a moment before helping Love. Tara and Love beat down all three of TBP. Velvet Sky bails.

To the outside! Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac are there, and seem to enter the building with no problem. Oh, joy.

To the office! Angle furiously demands that HH explain why Hall and Pac beat him up right after shaking his hand. HH asks why he would deny contracts to The Band and hire them to do his dirty work. Angle's temper is the problem. HH has heard for the past three years about how Angle has missed out on opportunities because of his temper. WTF? What opportunities has Angle missed? Name me one. Angle isn't worried about any of that. He's worried about HH's agenda. Angle knows how things have ended up for previous "business partners" of HH, and he won't be screwed over like the rest of "them." Consider this HH's last warning. HH orders Angle to leave his office. With much noise, Angle does. Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

Mick Foley vs. Kevin Nash: This match is "No DQ." Foley, in street clothes, carries his barbed wire baseball bat. Nash, in wrestling gear, pretends to be Raven and wheels out a shopping cart filled with plunder. Foley bashes Nash's trash can with the bat. Nash grabs a chair. Foley smashes it with the bat as well. Nash grabs a hockey stick and takes out Foley's legs. Nash grinds Foley's barbed wire bat in Foley's own face. Foley mule-kicks Nash in the groin. Forearm to the head by Foley. Nash rolls out of the ring. Foley pursues. Foley punches the daylights out of Nash. Foley picks up what looks like a framed picture. He hesitates before using it. Nash kicks Foley and pins him for the three-count. Post-match, we see that the frame held a drawing of Foley and Abyss. Scott Hall and Syxx-Pac come down. They beat up Nash. Foley and Nash are laid out in the ring.

Winner: Kevin Nash

This was terrible. There were a few small moments of sunshine, but not many. TNA is dead. The TNA I loved and supported and hoped would eventually find itself no longer exists. 

That's it for me. I'm off to e-mail Chris Sabin his birthday present.

Cheers,

Jana