I'm back!

Yea, verily, your Empress of Impact, your Girly Parts Jesus, has risen from the dead and we shall all rejoice, eating chocolate bunnies in my honor! I've finished up most of my epic move, I have new tv, phone, and interweb (thanks, Dr. House), and am prepared to resume my role as WWI's Virgil (no, not THAT Virgil, keep reading!), leading your Dante on a journey through the nine levels of Hell known as TNA programming. You're welcome. Hey, you lot know perfectly well that you didn't miss ME at all, you're just glad that you don't have to cover this mess for me any longer. I can read your minds. :P

[Joker voice] And here we...go!

So....

This is it. The last "Impact" before the permanent move to Monday nights. A horrifically ill-advised and poorly-timed move, but a move being made nonetheless. Some of you may have noticed a shift in tone regarding these reviews since the January 4th show. No apologies.

We open with a recap of Ric Flair screeching and whining about Hogan's Hall of Fame ring being given to Abyss, as well as the Flair/AJ/Wolfe beat down of Abyss that followed. HH makes the save against all three. So much for Wolfe's push to the top. Hello? Of course the fans cheer for HH. They've been ordered how to respond to the show by management. Not a single legit X-Division wrestler in the opening montage, save for Naitch 2.0, AJ Styles.

Speaking of, AJ enters with a skank on either arm, Flair likewise behind him. They hit the ring en masse, and Flair has the mic. Flair called this group together because they've had a week to think about what happened with HH. Flair wants HH to come out so that the two of them can apologize for their behavior and "give back" to TNA. Uh, ok. HH's music plays, and HH and Abyss enter. HH wearing multiple crosses and a rosary is offensive. Abyss still physically behaves like a half-wit. Loud "Hogan!" chants, just as the crowd has been instructed to make. Flair hides behind one of the women as he asks HH if he can talk to him. Flair offers to set HH up with all the women in the ring. Abyss gets nothing. HH doesn't want a cigarette, a drink, or one of Flair's shots of Viagra. HH promised Dixie Carter, his family, and he made an oath to those boys in the back, that he wouldn't get in the ring. He would help the company get to the mountain top. HH's voice is extremely hoarse and raspy. HH calls AJ and Flair "jabronies." Nice one. Flair actually has the gall to mention his retirement, and that he was happy to do it, but the one thing that Flair has never done is beat Hogan on national tv. AJ interrupts and says that HH was king when he wrestled. Now it's AJ. AJ says that HH will sacrifice his name against AJ. Flair and AJ try to leave, but Bischoff enters and stops them. AJ will defend the World Heavyweight championship in a 4-Corners match against Abyss, "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero, and Desmond Wolfe. More of the face/heel Bischoff persona that everyone else seems to love so much. HH and Abyss shake hands in the ring.

To the back! JB is with Desmond Wolfe and the lovely Chelsea. Wolfe says that when someone closes a door in his face, he kicks it open again. He's extremely motivated to win tonight, and praises AJ as a model champion. Wolfe points out that he doesn't need to beat the man to be the man, as he can beat any one of the others and walk out the champ. Chelsea says that the ring Abyss wears is beautiful and she wants it. Wolfe says that what Chelsea wants, Chelsea gets. This pairing could be awesome. I just wish she had an English accent.

To Bischoff's office! Bischoff is on the phone, mocking someone for starting a football league to compete with the NFL. Jeff Jarrett enters, and doesn't complain about having to work in catering last week. Jarrett wants to get back to the business of wrestling. Bischoff announces that Jarrett will unclog the toilets in the mens' room, and be a janitor. More of the face/heel Bischoff persona that everyone else seems to love so much.

HOLY CRAP!!!! The MCMG have a match!!!!!! Have I died and gone to a happy place? Not likely.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Generation Me vs. Beer Money vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez (champions): This is a four-way tag team match, which is a bit much. Alex Shelley has a yellow streak in his hair. The future Mr. Bulloch, Chris Sabin, opens the match against Jeremy Buck of Generation Me. Quick tags from the MCMG and some double-teaming. Shelley scores a two-count on Jeremy. More super-fast action as Max tags in and Shelley gets double-teamed in the corner. Shelley breaks up a two-count on Sabin. Hernandez tags himself in as Sabin hits the ropes. Hernandez gorilla press slams Max before dropping him on th emat. Morgan tags himself in as Hernandez is about to finish off Max. Jeremy leaps in, but Morgan double choke slams Generation Me. James Storm super kicks Morgan in the face, and Robert Roode tags in just in time to cover Morgan for the pin. The Guns are quite peeved, and take a very long time to leave the ring. Morgan and Hernandez bicker.

Winners: Beer Money

To Bischoff's office! Bischoff has Sean Morley and referee Slick Johnson in the office. He sends them after Jeff Jarrett for a "falls count anywhere" match. Oh, yay.

To Hogan's office! He's staring at a picture of himself. No, really. Kurt Angle enters, and says that since HH came in on January 4th, he has done more for TNA than anyone else has done in the seven years that TNA has been around. I may retch. Angle wants to take care of AJ and Flair on Monday, and thinks that HH should stay in the back. HH refuses, and says that he needs to get respect for himself by doing it. Ok.

To the "Mick Foley goes to ettiquette school" segment! Mick is in a suit, in a fancy library, with a lady in a white suit. She does not appreciate his humor. She has been hired to teach him to be a bit more genteel. This segment does nothing for me.

To the mens' room! Sean Morley makes Slick Johnson ring the bell. Johnson shouts "Ding, ding, ding!" Please tell me that one of you remembers the match in WCW when the announcers shouted "Oh my God, they're fighting in the mens' room!" Morley and Jarrett fight through the mens' room, Morley slamming Jarrett's shoulder in the door repeatedly and throwing him around. Morley gets the pin and three-count on Jarrett. What purpose did this serve for a fan?

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews The Pope. YES!!! Pope is a fantastic promo. If Flair gets involved in the match, Pope will reach way back into the 1980s and deal out a Pimp Slap especially for Flair. Pope has spoken! I love that catch phrase!!!

Next is champ vs champ, with Rob Terry (Global) fighting Doug Williams (X-Division). Rob Terry is a great heaping pile of meh.

To the video package! A recap of the British Invasion's arrival in TNA, their winning of multiple titles, and their breakdown.

Doug Williams vs. Rob Terry: This match is champion versus champion. So I'm supposed to cheer Rob Terry as a babyface because he's a huge, hulking mass with less in-ring ability than a garden slug, and therefore the precise sort that HH and Bischoff want to push. Got it. Terry is all power against Williams's craftiness and experience. Williams even bites Terry's forehead, but it's all for nothing. Terry plants Williams with a sloppy choke slam and gets the three-count in something close to a minute. Pathetic. Brutus Magnus rushes the ring, and helps Williams beat Terry down. Williams and Magnus stand tall over a prone Terry.

Winner: Rob Terry

To the locker room! Jeff Jarrett is being treated by the medic. Bischoff enters and shushes the medic as he dismisses him, taking Jarrett's arm from behind. Bischoff twists Jarrett's arm, causing a huge outburst. Bischoff challenges Jarrett to take a swing at him. Bischoff agrees to give Jarrett a proper match in the ring. Tonight. And hopes that Jarrett is a fast healer. This segment was crap.

To the "Mick Foley goes to ettiquette class" segment! This hurts. Remind me again as to why this is necessary.

To the video package! We see Mr. Anderson bloodying up Kurt Angle. The explanation of the dog tags from the Fort Hood soldier was replayed. I have absolutely no use for Mr. Anderson/Kennedy, but this is the closest thing to a decent feud that TNA has right now.

Anderson enters to Angle's music, dressed as Angle, wearing a bald cap, sporting a huge fake gold medal and dog tags, and a cookie sheet with "Loser" written on it. Anderson mocks Angle's injury history, specifically the multiple broken necks. This bit was effective, but it went on for too long. The real Kurt Angle strides down the ramp in street clothes and attacks Anderson. Angle ha sthe upper hand, but when they go to the floor, Anderson gets a cup from a fan and throws the contents into Angle's face. Anderson drags Angle back into the ring and plants him with his own Angle Slam. Anderson pulls the dog tags from Angle's neck and leaves the ring with it, putting it on his own neck as he does so.

To the back! Hogan talks on the phone. Abyss interrupts him, begging for a minute of his time before his match. Abyss was never allowed to watch tv as a child, but he always found a way to sneak up and watch Hogan. The one thing that Abyss's mother ever did for him was to buy a ticket for him to see Hogan live. Abyss screams about his blood and Hogan's ring, and Abyss now has Hogan's power, and the power of all the Hulkamaniacs. Abyss wants to take care of AJ and Flair by himself. HH says no. Now that Abyss has the power, he will protect Hogan and nothing bad will ever happen to Hogan again. I give up on this segment, this is awful.

Mike Tenay and Taz talk up the live Monday night broadcast.

To the video package! The Beautiful People and Angelina Love.

To the photo shoot! Angelina Love's photo shoot is interrupted by The Beautiful People, who beat her down. Remember when TBP were the highlight of the company?

To the ring! Angelina Love, still in her gold bikini, storms out to the ring and calls out Velvet Sky. A laughing, sauntering Velvet walks down the ramp, swinging the belt used earlier to strap Angelina. Love lays into Sky, throwing her head-first into to platform attached to the ring. Sky is then tossed into the guardrail, and finally into the ring. Loud chants of "Use the belt!" Except for the one guy with the "We Want Bubba" sign and the "Lacey Von Erich" sign. Love grabs the belt and starts to use it on Sky, but Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich rush the ring. The trio beat down Love and lash her with the belt. TBP stand tall over a prone Love.

To Hogan's office! Bubba the Love Sponge launches into a loud spiel, throwing around the name "Terry," the phrase "don't be a mark for yourself," and rattling off all the close ties that he has with Hogan and the Hogan family. Good to see that the tv time is spent on important things.

To the "Mick Foley goes to ettiquette school" segment! Aw, Jeebus, another one.

To the video package! Kevin Nash's recent doings with Scott Hall and Syxx-pac . We'll hear from Nash and Eric Young live on Monday, as they comment on The Band. Yay.

Tomko vs. Jeff Jarrett: Jarrett gets no music, no pyro, no intro. AT least he has ring gear on. Jarrett favors his injured shoulder. Tomko laughs. The bell rings, and the real match is on. Tomko outpowers Jarrett and works the shoulder. Much is made by Tenay and Taz over Bischoff's determination to break Jarrett. Tomko twists Jarrett's arm in the ropes, damaging the shoulder further. Jarrett fights back with an enziguri, but Tomko flattens Jarrett with a clothesline. The "We Want Bubba" sign is held up throughout the match. Tomko gets a two-count on Jarrett. Chants of "Let's go, Jarrett!" Jarrett fights back, but Tomko goes for a slam. Jarrett counters into a DDT, then lands ten punches in the corner. Jarrett rolls up Tomko and gets the pin and three-count. Bischoff is not pleased as he watches in the back.

Winner: Jeff Jarrett

To Bischoff's office! HH and Bischoff discuss the implications of HH's decision to get in the match. How much freaking talking segments does this show need??? Almost none of them have been good or necessary. God, I despise what this show has become!

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero vs. Abyss vs. AJ Styles: Pope is limpin'! Sorry, I had to. This is a four-way World Heavyweight Championship title match. AJ sports a Flair-style robe trimmed in feathers that says "Phenomenal One" on the back. AJ seems very uncomfortable in his Naitch 2.0 role. Am I the only one who thinks that Flair has totally overshadowed AJ, and that it may be deliberate on the part of the company? Pope goes after AJ. Loud crowd chants of "Pope is limpin'!" Hey! That was mine, I said it first! Wolfe and Abyss go, with Abyss getting two-count on Wolfe. Pope knocks AJ over the rope to the floor, while Abyss does the same to Wolfe. We go to commercial break. Abyss punches Wolfe on the floor, while AJ rolls Pope back into the ring and targets the nearly-crippled ankle. Flair hits the ankle with three incredibly weak and poorly-placed chair shots while AJ distracts the referee. AJ locks Pope in the Figure Four, but Pope refuses to tap out. The referee calls for the match to end out of concern for the well-being of Pope. Um, WTF??? It's a World title match! AJ reclaims his belt. Wolfe looks upset, but joins AJ and Flair in beating down Pope. Abyss hulks up and charges in. Wolfe, AJ, and Flair beat down Abyss. Hogan makes the save and clears the ring, opening up Flair with the barbed wire baseball bat. Flair gushes blood. Hogan punches Flair in the corner, and throws down the entire security force as they try to separate them.

Winner (and STILL World Heavyweight Champion): AJ Styles

To the ring! Hogan has the mic, and shouts that Flair's blood will flow like wine. Pope grabs the mic and challenges the fleeing heels to bring their $2 butts back to the ring so that they (in the ring) can make some change. Lots of yelling about four days from now.

Final Thoughts: This show was terrible. I loathe and despise what this company has decided to show me since January 4th, with an unholy fiery passion of burning. That is all. See you next time. Monday, I presume.

Peace out,

Jana

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