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Hey!

Who's excited about this show?

*crickets chirping*

Oh, come on, peeps! Don't abandon me to review this by myself! Your Girly Parts Jesus needs worship and adoration, or at the very least, the knowledge that one or two of you actually read this while I'm recovering from the trauma. Be sure to check out my (totally friendly and respectful) Review Duel with the lovely and talented Mallory Mahling, who will be driving the RAW train. Whether that train crushes my Impact clown car like a soda can remains to be seen.

[Joker voice] And here we...go!

We open with the new entrance video and music. The song, I could take or leave. The video follows the pattern of focusing on Hogan, Bischoff, the physically biggest guys in the company, and barely anything of the Knockouts or the X-Division. I hate you. No, not YOU. We're cool.

To the ring! Abyss and Hulk Hogan, HH glowing in the yellow and orange, hit the ring. HH has the mic. He calls out Ric Flair and AJ Styles, and babbles at great length. Not to mention at high volume. The cheering is off the charts, but that's what the audience has been directed to do since January 4th. This match appears to be opening the show.

Abyss & Hulk Hogan vs. AJ Styles & Ric Flair: Abyss insists on starting, as does AJ. Abyss is no longer dressed like a homeless man. Abyss gorilla press slams AJ. Flair tags in. Flair chops Abyss. Abyss chops Flair and back body drops him. AJ throws his robe over Abyss's head and kicks him. HH runs in and goes after Flair. All four men fight in the ring. The lights go out. Sting's music plays. Sting appears in the ring with his bat, staring down Flair and AJ. Almost as if on cue (don't tell me you didn't see it coming), Sting hits Hogan and Abyss in the guts with his bat. AJ hits Abyss in the head with a chair. Flair hits Hogan inthe head with a chair. Sting leaves the ring as Flair opens up Hogan's forehead and AJ goes after Abyss. Brooke Hogan is pointed out at ringside. Flair and AJ walk up the ramp, gloating. Hogan grabs the mic and shouts that this isn't over. They will finish this before the night is over. It's going to be a "No DQ" match now.

Winners: Anyone NOT watching this show

To the back! Sting is walking away. Dixie Carter tries to physically stop Sting. He shoves her up against the wall, one hand at her throat, and says that he owes her nothing. He walks away.

To the back! AJ and Flair yell a lot. Flair says that Sting has finally come to his sense, and that if he were going to come out of retirement, it was going to be to make a huge statement.

To the back! A la Nancy Kerrigan, Abyss screams, "Why, Sting? Why???" So much for the character reboot.

To the back! Hogan's girlfriend Jennifer tries to comfort his daughter Brooke. Brooke is having no comforting. Why are these two getting tv time?

To the ring! Kazarian is back. He chose to walk away from TNA two years ago, and he's back to reignite the flame of the X-Division. LOUD chants of "X-Division!" If TNA is going to war, let the warriors of the X-Division lead them into battle! Daniels comes out and says that if anyone is going to lead the X-Division into action, it's going to be him. On this historic night, Daniels says that he and he alone will carry the X-Division to new heights. Doug Williams enters, castigating both Daniels and Kazarian for thinking that they are superheroes who can save the X-Division. Williams says that the X-Division is alive and well, because he is the champion. Everything breaks down as all three turn on each other. Bischoff comes out and says that he was so excited about the X-Division (rubbish!) and that he would make the X-Division bigger, stronger, and faster (we all know what THAT means). Bischoff makes an X-Division title match between Daniels, Kazarian, and Doug Williams for right now! Excellent! Except Mike Tenay and Taz talk about the "Epix" tv show instead of calling the match.

Kazarian vs. Daniels vs. Doug Williams (ch.): This is a three-way match for the X-Division title. I can't type that fast! Awesome action to start. Williams hits Kazarian with a running knee to the face. Williams gets a two-count on Kazarian. Daniels pulls Kazarian's feet, and enters the match. Daniels and Kaz go. Daniels covers Kaz for a two-count. Daniels hits a running forearm shot on Kaz in the corner, and follows up with a Death Valley Driver. Williams goes to the top turnbuckle, but Daniels tries to stop him. Williams elbows Daniels. Daniels and Williams clothesline each other. Kaz hits dual dropkicks on both men. Kaz covers Daniels for a two-count. Daniels goes for the Angel's Wings, but Williams stops it with a leap from the top rope. Spinning swinging neckbreaker on Daniels by Kaz, but only a two-count. Chokeslam on Kaz by Daniels. Williams hits the Chaos Theory suplex on Daniels for the win. Fantastic match, much better than this write-up sounds. Post-match, Shannon Moore rushes the ring and attacks Doug Williams. Bischoff announces that Shannon Moore will be Doug Williams's opponent for the X-Division title at the "Destination X" ppv. WTF??? So much for earning a shot and a spot. Don't even get me started on this one.

Winner (and STILL X-Division Champion): Doug Williams

To the back! Dixie Carter says that Sting has a match tonight. He'll find out who his opponent is when everyone else does.

The Beautiful People vs. Tara & Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita: Lots of action in this, and I just can't keep up. Good, good match. Awesome Kong and Hamada were stripped of the titles for failing to defend them in the mandatory 30-day period, so this three-way match determines the new Knockouts Tag Team Champions. Tara and Angelina Love dominate until the referee is distracted and the stunningly smokin' zombiehot Daffney runs down and hits Tara with a chair! Madison Rayne covers Tara for the win. The Beautiful People are the new tag champs, thanks to Daffney! I'm definitely intrigued to see where this goes!

Winners (and NEW Knockouts Tag Team Champions): The Beautiful People

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews "The Pope." Pope would love to be the pendant to hang from her chain. Nice! Desmond Wolfe interrupts and attacks the previously injured knee of "The Pope."

To the back! Jeremy Borash interviews The Beautiful People. JB calls for the bubbly, and champagne is brought in for everyone. Velvet Sky chugs champagne, spits it all over JB, and sprays more champagne all over the room. Madison Rayne joins in, and everyone is happy.

To the recap of Sting attacking Abyss and Hogan, and shoving Dixie Carter. 

Sting vs. ????: Sting comes to the ring to great cheers, despite his earlier actions. I really hate the walkway to the ring. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Who is Sting's opponent? It's Rob Van Dam!!! RVD comes out of the crowd and nails Sting with a top rope drop kick. RVD follows up with Rolling Thunder and gets the win right away! Wow. Sting pulls RVD from the top turnbuckle and lays into him with baseball bat shots. Sting leaves RVD laying in the ring, clutching his leg. Sting returns and does more damage to RVD with the bat. Loud chants of "You suck!" at Sting. Three referees try to move Sting along, but he drops one of them with the bat. Then a second. Massive chants of "RVD!" Sting returns to the ring again to hit RVD across the back with the bat. Hogan's music plays, and the Orange Savior comes out, wagging his finger. Bubba the Love Sponge is with him, trying to stop him and otherwise getting tv time that he doesn't deserve. Sting hits RVD again with the bat, staring at Hogan while he does so. The mob of security can't hold back Hogan. For some reason. Sting hits Hogan with the bat as he is held back by security. Sting is no longer a heel. No, really. Sting leaves the ring and follows Hogan up the ramp, laying into him with the bat. So RVD's debut, which Hogan spoiled, was wasted to push Hogan/Sting from 1997. Nice one.

Winner: Rob Van Dam

To the ring! KevinNash and Eric Young come out to address their issues with The Band. Eric Bischoff sits, looking shocked. Nash has the mic. He says that he has a contract in his hand from Hogan. For one time only, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman will be allowed in the building and in the ring to have one match against Nash and Young. Where Crosby and Stills are, I have no idea. As we wait for a response from The Band, we go to commercial break.

We're back! Hall and Waltman enter the ring. Chants of "Hall is wasted!" Security flanks Nash and Young. Hall is practically purple as he says that they want their cut of the fat contracts if they accept the match and make TNA rich. Hall calls out to Bischoff, asking if he wants in on this. Bischoff says that if The Band wins the match at the ppv, they get their big money contracts. If they lose, they never darken TNA's door again. The Band accepts. Hall and Nash shake hands. Young extends a hand to Waltman, who slaps him in the face. Young leaps on Waltman and attacks him, rather brutally and intensely. Bischoff has them pulled apart, and announces that he's sick of paying overtime to security to keep The Band out of the building. Lock the doors, get Hall and Nash away from the ring, and Eric Young has a license to kill. "Slap that punk upside his bitch head!"

Eric Young vs. Sean Waltman: Young is all over Waltman, and fights better than he has in ages. Waltman fights back and goes for a Bronco Buster, but Young dodges and hits Waltman with a piledriver for the win. Why do I fear that this means that The Band is winning at the ppv?Oh, yeah. That.

Winner: Eric Young

To the parking lot! A Humvee filled will Army soldiers in uniform turns up. Kurt Angle speaks next on his issues with Mr. Anderson. Coincidence? I think not.

To the ring! The Army soldiers march in, two columns' worth. They line both edges of the ramp and stand at attention. Kurt Angle, in a suit and all seriousness, enters and walks between them. The soldiers follow Angle to the ring and stand around it. This is really impressive to see. Angle gets on the mic. He informs Mr. Anderson that he has brought a few of his best friends with him here tonight. These are the people who sacrifice everything and fight for our country. HUGE chants of "USA!" These are the people who choose to leave their families and loved ones behind, to stand up for what we believe in. They are willing to fight and die for people like them. These are the people who, two weeks ago, Mr. Anderson spit on. Angle has had an epiphany. Winning an Olympic gold medal is nothing like what these soldiers do for out country. As a proud American, it is Angle's duty to protest these soldiers when bitches like Anderson degrade them. You don't mess with an American soldier. Anderson will find out why at "Destination X."

Mr. Anderson turns up on the big screen, begging Angle to stop his incessant grandstanding. He says that it isn't about Angle and all those little high school dropouts out there with him. It's about  - never mind! Angle leaves the ring, runs to the interview area, and beats the hell out of Anderson. Angle drags Anderson back to the ring. Anderson escapes briefly, but a wall of soldiers blocks his path. Angle gets Anderson back in the ring, beats him up more, and throws him out to the troops on the floor. They continue the beatdown, and it all ends with Angle taking an American flag and standing over the prone body of Anderson with it. The soldiers enter the ring and raise Angle up on their shoulders. This really was great to see. Good, good stuff.

To the back! Aw, Christ! Bubba the Love Sponge gets another segment where he gets to talk. Earl Hebner interrupts, begging for a second chance. Hogan has too many other problems. Bubba interrupts, babbling about second chances for everyone. Hogan agrees to give Earl a second chance, but only if Earl agrees to stop the match if it gets out of control and he can't continue. Um, ok.

"Destination X" looks like a good show on paper. My beloved Motor City Machine Guns versus Generation Me in an Ultimate X match to determine the Number One Contenders to the Tag Team titles. Awe. Frigging. Some. Kurt Angle versus Mr. Anderson. The Band versus Nash and Young. Abyss versus AJ Styles for the World Heavyweight Championship. Doug Williams versus Shannon Moore for the X-Division title isn't so good. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

To the back! Jeff Jarrett talks to James Storm about Bischoff putting him in the match tonight. They argue, and Jarrett hits Storm. Beer Money team up on Jarrett, and beat him up.

Beer Money vs. Jeff Jarrett: This is a two-on-one handicapped match, with Mick Foley as the special referee. Beer Money's motivation in doing this to the man who gave them so many breaks is the topic of discussion at the announce team. James Storm hits the Eye of the Storm on Jarrett, after much abuse. Storm goes to spit beer on Jarrett, but Jarrett dodges and Storm blinds Roode instead. Jarrett fights back and knocks Robert Roode over the top rope. Jarrett has Beer Money on the floor, and rams their heads together. Storm grabs Jarrett's ankle as Jarrett tries to climb back in the ring, and Roode knocks Jarrett into the barricade. Foley slips Jarrett the barbed wire baseball bat from beneath the ring. Slick Johnson, likely at the behest of Eric Bischoff, runs down and takes it away. Beer Money low blows Jarrett, and get the win as Slick Johnson counts.

Winners: Beer Money

To the back! Brooke Hogan gets a flipping tv segment, crying over her daddy. Considering the people on the TNA roster without Hogan connections who haven't been featured on the show at all, this makes me want to retch. The segment with Hogan and Brooke seemed to never end.

Ric Flair & AJ Styles vs. Hulk Hogan & Abyss (Take 2): This time, the match is "No DQ." Earl Hebner is the referee, and Hogan made him promise to stop the match if it gets out of control and he can't continue. Three guesses what happens here. More close-up shots of Brooke Hogan in the audience. Flair and Hogan in the ring. Hogan back body drops Flair, then they go to the floor. In front of Brooke Hogan, her dad chokes Flair with a bandana before biting the forehead. Flair bleeds like a very bleeding thing. Flair chops and punches Hogan. Hogan no-sells it all. Flair's blood is all over Hogan as well as Flair. More close-up shots of Brooke Hogan in the audience. Hogan punches Flair in the "making fart noises with your armpits" way that he has. Abyss tags in and punches Flair. Flair is thrown back in the ring, and Hogan straps him with his belt before stomping on his face. Flair low blows Hogan. AJ tags in and stomps on Hogan. AJ targets Hogan's leg. Brooke Hogan leans over the fence, getting involved. AJ yells at her. AJ rolls Hogan back into the ring. Flair looks like he should be in the final scenes of "Carrie." AJ tags in and wears down Hogan. Flair tags back in and goes to the top rope. Hogan tosses his across the ring. AJ tags in. Abyss tags in. Abyss goes for a double choke slam on AJ and Flair, but they kick him. Abyss flattens each man in a corner. Abyss choke slams AJ, then Flair. Abyss holds up the ring from Hogan, all Green Lantern-style. Hogan and Flair fight on the floor. AJ hits Abyss with a flying forearm from the top rope. Abyss kicks out. Hogan Hulks up. Hogan punches AJ and throws him into Abyss, who plants him with a Black Hole Slam. Abyss covers AJ for the pin and win. Post-match. Desmond Wolfe lays out Abyss with a steel chair. Wolfe goes to hit Hogan with the chair, but Hogan catches the chair and stops it. "The Pope" rushes the ring and attacks Wolfe. Suddenly, familiar music kicks in and Jeff Hardy rushes the ring! Hardy attacks Flair, AJ, and Wolfe. Just as Hardy climbs to the top rope for a Swanton Bomb, the show ends and we fade to black. Oh, come on!!! Worst. Cut. Ever.

Winners: Abyss and Hulk Hogan

That's it for me, peeps. Catch you next week!

Peace out,

Jana