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Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: More KOTM Qualifiers, and AJ plots revenge
By Fritz Stephey
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This report is being written in real time, you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates.
Hello and Welcome, WWI readers for another round of your favorite Thursday Night wrestling program, iMPACT! Last week, Kurt beat the ever living snot out of the Prince of Phenomenal, The Phenomenal AJ Styles, and Booker T and Robert Roode won their King of the Mountain Qualifying matches. What's in store tonight? Cross the Line, dot your I's, and find out! Immediately, iMPACT! opens with Team 3D headed for the ring. A snazzy dressed Booker T also makes his way out. Ray says in this "sport" that himself, his brother and Booker T are known as the BAD GUYS! They do bad things to good people. THey like that. Tomko is backstage, Angle is out in Hollywood being a movie star, so while they're occupied...the 3 of them will be the bad guys. But really...are we the bad guys? They lower a picture from the ceiling of AJ Styles, standing on the entrance ramp with his pyro going off in the background. They also plug TNAs new collectible trading cards, which apparently, this picture is one of them. Ray says AJ is a scumbag, an adulterer, and he slept with Karen Angle! Tsk tsk, foreshame foreshame, Bad Guy! Booker T grabs the Mic, and says he's Royal...T. He's disgusted with the TNA treatment. His locker room smells like rat piss, but no matter. At KOTM, he will prove his excellence, and you will, no joke, bow down and kiss his royal feet (Sound familiar?). Devon grabs the Mic, and turns the attention to Hector Guerrero and LAX, to which their music immediately interrupts. Hector essentially tells Team 3D to shut up, says "essay" alot, and throws in words I'm pretty sure he's making up. Christian Cage comes out, and...his music sounds a tad different to me. He's standing alongside Rhino. He says Booker is a disgrace, and that he will become a 3-time, 3-time, 3-time Champion! And...we're not done yet. Samoa Joe's music interrupts. Christian, I'm walking out with the belt come Slammiversary. These fans want a champ that kicks ass, makes no excuses and such (by the way, he's hanging out in the crowd). Oh, and Booker...you had a hard time finding me? I'm right here, say what you gotta say...Joe calls him a punk-ass b*tch. Joe's fed up with the 20-minute long chit-chat sh*t-fest...Cage, Rhino, LAX...let's jump their asses. Booker and Team 3D bail the ring. AJ runs out and starts attacking them. Backstage, JB is with Karen Angle. She's happy AJ is alright. <commercial break> Backstage, Lauren is with Black Machismo, SoCal Val, Sonjay Dutt and from American Idol, Ace Young. Finally we're gonna break into some action. The Rock N Rave Infection make their way to the ring. They are taking on The Guru Sonjay Dutt and his best friend, Black Machismo, Jay Lethal. Ace Young is also out with them, and Hermie Sadler is on commentary with West and Tenay. Dutt and Jimmy start off the contest. Right out the gate, Dutt hits a hurricanrana and tags in Cheezemo. He gets blindsided by Lance. Lance goes for a power slam, but Black Machismo fights out and takes control. Hoyt goes for a chokeslam on Dutt, who leaps up and hits another high risk move. Christy tried to trip one of the guys, but Ace got the best of her, and Jay and Sonjay pick up the W. <commercial break> Back from the break, Cheesemo has a question for the Guru. There's only 10 days left til the wedding...no more jokes. Accept it, Sonjay. Be the Best Man! Dutt shakes his hand, and they share a hug. Ace Young has a surprise for the happy couple (not Jay and Sonjay). It's a music video of Ace Young with random clips of Jay Lethal with SoCal Val. I am NOT kidding. It's the worst PG porn to ever grace your eyes. It even throws in in-ring action picks related to the two. You can watch the full video at TNAs website. Backstage, Lauren is with the Beautiful People. Week-in and week-out they have these backstage segments with them, that are more-or less exactly the same thing. This time, Skye and Love dawn a paper bag over Lauren's head. Don't hate their hotness, hate The Game (Plenty of you do hate him). They continue to mock and degrade Roxxi Laveuax. You can look, but you can't touch...the beautiful people. <Commercial Break> We're back, and the Beautiful People are ready for action. Angelina Love is taking on Roxxi (Laveuax). Angelina keeps the control for the main part of the match, but Roxxi hits a version of a fall away slam. She follows up with clotheslines and then a series of punches. Roxxi then hits a big boot and shoves Velvet off the ring apron. Roxxi goes for the Voodoo Drop but gets a knee to her face from Love. Velvet Sky sprays something into Roxxi's face, and Tenay says it's Hairspray... Love picks up the 3-count. They dawn a brown paper bag over Roxxi's head. ODB and an injured Gail Kim come out. ODB swipes one of Gail's crutches and chases off them Beautiful People. Backstage, JC is with JB. JC rips JB a new one in a hilarious fashion. Why would you do that? Matches with fans? What next? Cremating them? JB hands Cornette a ratings sheet, and he said it's the most viewers they've had (1.2?). JC has a huge change of heart...just make sure the waivers get signed, Borash. Booker interrupts. WHY does his locker room smell like rat piss? Booker doesn't care what's good enough for "everyone". He's better. Get the hell out, Cornette...Booker T changes in "your office" from now on. Jimmy says he has business to address via the ring...when he gets back, ya'll better not be here. <Commercial Break> Back from the break, Eric Young is STILL looking for Elvis Presley. Jim Cornette is in the ring. he's announcing matches. AJ will take on Kurt Angle! Team 3D will face off against LAX! Team 3D and Booker T, Cornette is headed back to his office...you better not be there. Kevin Nash is here to stall Cornette while 3D and T steal all the valuables from his office...ok ok, not. Nash is kinda pissed. What was that last thing you said, Jimmy? Oh, you want Team 3D and T out of your office? Well, tough luck. They're playing rock, paper, scissors to see who can take a sh*t on your desk. What are YOU gonna do about it? Our security is full of crack heads (I mean, have you checked the booking lately? HIYO!). Nash will go back to your office and take care of your problems...and you can make him the special enforcer at Slammiversary. JC wants to know why Nash wants to be so involved in that match. Nash says, let the fans pay for that answer. JC likes the idea, go to it Nash. Nash says that Jim has to ask him nicely though...he does so. We have another video package from Abyss. He's boasting about how good he is at tricking doctors...which begs the question...why haven't they seen these tapes? They obviously gave him the camera... Making her way to the ring, Awesome Kong, along with JB with waivers. It's time to sacrifice another loyal fan to increase ratings...after the break. <Commercial Break> We're back, and a fan from Kentucky, a Leva Bates, has signed the waivers. I trust I can spare you what little details there are. It's just your typical squash match, where Tenay and West look on in horror as Kong eats her wimpy prey. After suffering through all that, we finally get an Awesome-Bomb and the 3-count. In the back, JB is with Team 3D and Booker, still in Cornette's office. Nash walks in, and tells them to hit the bricks. 3D and Booker disregarded Cornette's address, they were in a business meeting. Nash pulls out a bat and destroys Jim's computer. He shouts that it's nothing personal, just business to the guys. We then get a video package for Rhino/Storm. Backstage, the both of them are beating the crap out of each other. Jaquelin runs out and hits Rhino with a shovel. <Commercial Break> As we return from the break, we pretty much lose hope of having a legit match as Rhino and James Storm are STILL beating the sh*t out of each other, pulling a classic and fighting it outside to the ring. Rhino hits a suplex on Storm to the ramp. Storm spits in his face, slams a water bottle on his head and sends him into the guardrail. Finally, they ARE in the ring and the opening bell rings. Storm keeps control and slaps on a chin-lock. Rhino fights back with big hits and a clothesline. He chucks Storm out to the apron, but Storm manages to swing around and kick Rhino in the face. Jaquelin interferes while the ref is distracted and we go to another commercial break. As we return from the break, Rhino gets in a shoulder-block. He sets up for the GORE but Storm dodges and sends him into the ring-post. Jackie tired lifting Rhino up to get him back in the ring, and Storm comes out and finally scoop him back into the ring. He grabs a 2-count, sets up for a super kick, misses and Rhino hits the GORE! 1-2-3, DONE! Rhino wins and advances for the King of the Mountain Match. A video package of the history of Christian Cage and Tomko. We then flip backstage where JB is with Tomko. Tell us, Tomko, do you have any remorse for what you did last week? Screw AJ...it's Tomko's time. Hr's gonna wear Christian's blood tonight. Get ready for a new WHC. The match, is after this ' <Commercial Break> It's time for the FINAL King Of The Mountain Qualifying match. Tomko will be facing Christian Cage. Tomko attacks Christian as he poses on the top rope. He uses Cage's robe to choke him, but Cage jumps right up and gives away some Flair-chops. Tomko lifts him up, Christian ducks out, tries to flip Tomko for a pin but it's a no go. Christian goes to the corner, but Tomko kicks him off and to the outside. We then go into a conveniently timed <Commercial Break> We're back, and Christian has fought back...that is until Tomko grabs him mid-springboard and nails a power slam. Tomko has a head-lock slapped on but Christian goes Vertigo and fights him off. Tomko lifts Christian up and sends him in a fall-away slam. Tomko gives some chops in the corner and sends CC outside. He takes it back inside the ring, and chokes Christian in the corner. Verticle suplex from Tomko, and a 2-count. Tomko "bumb-rushes" (Tenay's words) Christian into the corner. Tornado-DDT from Cage, and both men are out! Cage gets to his feet, hits Tomko with 3 chops, trips Tomko into the ropes, and chokes him out. He dodges a clothesline from Tomko and hits an inverted-DDT. Christian went up top for a frog splash and misses! Clothesline from Tomko, but only a 2-count. Cage goes for an unprettier, Tomko tries a supelx, Cage fights off but is on the receiving end of a double-arm chokeslam. Frogsplash from Christian! But it only grabs a 2-count! Tomko hits a neck breaker but cage kicks out at 2! Unprettier!! 1-2-3, and The Instant Classic Christian Cage advances to the King of the Mountain! Backstage, JB is with AJ and Karen. Apparently Kurt Anlge...is in the house. Back from the final break, Karen Angle makes her way to the ring. AJ Styles makes his way to the ring...not. The Pyro went off but we got nothing. Backstage, Kurt Angle is beating down AJ! Kurt is tearing him apart...Kurt comes out to the ring, sans entrance music. He grabs the mic from Karen and corners her. He says he isn't gonna hurt her. He just wants her to tell the whole world how she's single-handedly destroyed their family, how she cheated on him with AJ Styles. Kurt almost called her the Queen Mother of all...but gets slapped by Karen. Kurt gets violent, but AJ runs out. As he takes him out, Team 3D and Booker T run out and the 4 of them continue the beat down on AJ. Tomko also rushes out, but Christian runs out for support. He tries clearing the ring, but the numbers are stacked against him. Angle focuses on Styles, while the rest turn their attention to Christian. They both are now at the mercy of Team 3D, Tomko and Booker T. Looks like AJs revenge will have to wait...the heels celebrate as we fade to black. Overall...Wow. THis just, wasn't the best episode of iMPACT! Aside from the main event, and possibly Storm/Rhino...it only had 3 other matches, short, bad ones at that (The opener was alright, but short. The second was a Knockouts match, the third was a Knockouts squash...Storm/Rhino was decent, and the main event was good). I still think this show goes backstage far too often. The focus also didn't feel like it was on wrestling (Need I mention the 20 minutes used at the start that was specifically an every main-eventer's promo spot?). Again, not too much confusion storyline-wise, so no complaints on that front. But we shouldn't walk away from these shows feeling "meh". That is it for me. As always, thank you for reading, whether you did live as it was updated or afterwards! Questions, comments, and general feedback is always welcome and appreciated. You can reach me on the WWI forums, on FaceBook, or if needs be, by e-mail at BrothaFritz@gmail.com. Have a good week and...cya next week, OR whenever (You never know...I may just pop out of nowhere with an article or something). Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Sylvester
Terkay
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2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not
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