Commercial Break

Tonight on Impact, Velvet Sky takes on Some Chick. Plus, tables, Angles and mysterious Stingers. Let's go to the video package that re-acquaints us with Sting. You know what would rule? If they set this video to the song "A Man Called Sting".

Pointless Four-Way Match: Jimmy Rave (w/ Lance Rock) vs. Consequences Creed (w/ Apollo Creed costume) vs. Johnny Devine (w/ tripod and camera) vs. Eric Young (w/o any pride)

Mike Tenay and Don West only ask about Sting's loyalties seven times during the ring introductions. Rave rock-bottoms Young onto the ring apron, while Creed stops Lance Rock from interfering. Devine and Rave double-team Young, but Super Eric still manages to fend them off for a while.

Creed rolls up Rave in the ring for a two-count, but he quickly loses the momentum. Several pin attempts are broken up, and then Creed pins Devine after an entertaining roll-up sequence.

Winner: Consequences Creed

Post-match, Devine calls for Rock and Rave to help him lay the smack down on Consequences Creed, but thankfully (?) the beat-down is stopped by The Monster Abyss. Is this dick still around? Anyways, the Kane wannabe clears house without even using his trusted metal chair. He must be a changed man!

Backstage, Brother Ray lays Jeremy Borash down on a table and tells him he has "a pretty mouth". Alright then. Sting is apparently in the corner of Angle and 3-D tonight. I liked this storyline better when they did it on Nitro, 10 years ago.

Commercial Break

Tenay and West send us to a special video about Kaz, highlighting all the matches he almost won. Way to push your talent, TNA!

This sets up the new talk show "Karen's Angle". Hoo boy. Let's just say, Oprah, she ain't.

Karen asks The Kazzmaniac about his humble beginnings, and he discusses ties to Killer Kowalski, Bret Hart and the early days of TNA. In 2005, he left TNA for hmmm.... some other wrestling company, I guess, where he had to deal with industry politics. Part two of this fascinating interview will be aired next week. Hopefully Fritz will be back to recap that one.

Commercial Break

"The Blueprint" Matt Morgan vs. Kory Chavis

Tatanka's with TNA now? Oh, sorry that's Chris Chavis. My bad.

Morgan starts off by tossing around the jobber and then choking him on the rope. Morgan delivers a legdrop while Chavis's neck is on the ring apron. Kory gets some token jobber offense in before being stopped by a boot to the head.  A Stinger splash and a "hell-a-vator" finishes off Mr. Chavis.

Winner: Matt Morgan

Backstage, Lauren talks to The Motor City Machine Guns. They have masks now? Is this a new thing? They badmouth Beer Money a bit, but they'd sure hit Miss Jacqueline behind closed doors. Shelley talks for waaaaaay too long about Detroit and guns and stuff.

Commercial Break

Backstage, Curry Man, Stone Cold Shark Boy and Super Eric try out their new catchphrase- "We come in peace. They leave in pieces." Shark Boy can't understand what Curry Man is saying -- much like the rest of the world can't understand what Aaron Wood is saying.

Tag Team Strap Match (No, I didn't say "Strap-on"): Beer Money vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Commercial Break

Sabin is tied to Roode, while Shelley is tied to Storm. Or maybe its the other way around. After a few beers, they all look alike. What?

The Guns take the early advantage, with Tenay having an orgasm because Beer Money are the ones getting whipped this week. Alright then. Jackie causes a distraction, which turns the tide for her team. Storm pins Shelley for a two-count.

Beer Money double team Shelley for another two-count and start posing in the ring to celebrate. Both Guns get slammed, but then Shelley and Sabin reverse the momentum and bash the heads of their opponents into the turnbuckles. They tie Roode and Storm up (together) and hit them with a double-brain kick. Some nice innovation here by the Guns. Rowboat sequence is next on the heels.

Jackie interferes but gets stuck in the rowboat. I HATE when that happens. Ref bump allows Beer Money to hit Sabin with a foreign object for the win.

Winners: Beer Money

Post-match, Beer Money whip the Guns with their straps, until LAX makes the save. LAX are the champions again? When did that happen?

Commercial Break

TNA Knockouts Match (Winner Has To Sleep With Bulldog): Taylor Wilde vs. Velvet Sky

Wilde is from Toronto, apparently, though I'm pulling for Velvet Sky.

......

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! I merely meant I want to sleep with her! Geez....

This match ends before I can even type it. Wilde wins with a roll-up in 5 seconds, a new TNA record.

Winner: Taylor Wilde

Post-match, Sky complains that she didn't hear the bell and demands an immediate rematch, leading us to:

TNA Knockouts Match (Winner Has To Sleep With Bulldog): Taylor Wilde vs. Velvet Sky

Another quick pinfall, leading to another record: Two pinfalls within 25 seconds. This means she has to sleep with me twice!

Winner: Taylor Wilde

Post-match, Angelina complains now, and this leads us to....

TNA Knockouts Match (Winner Has To Sleep With Bulldog): Taylor Wilde vs. Velvet Sky

Again? I'm all for three times in one night (if you catch my drift), but this is starting to get staler than an Aaron Wood commentary. This match goes a bit longer (although I lost what I was typing, so I had to start again, so I missed a few minutes of this match). Bottom line, Angelina Love interferes, causing a DQ. ODB and Gail Kim make the save.

Winner: Taylor Wilde (by DQ)

Taylor, rest up, sweetie. I'll see you tonight.

Daivari is now known as Shiek Abdul Bashir. A really nice vignette to set up his new character, in which he claims to be living the American dream (not to be confused with "The American Dream")

Commercial Break

TNA is coming to a city near me in the next two months. Really? What if I live in Lima, Peru? I really doubt they're going to Lima....

At the hospital, So Cal Val consoles Sonjay Dutt, who has apparently been in a coma for three days. The doctor asks everyone to leave the room now (but apparently not the cameraman) and its shown that Dutt has stolen Val's ring. That cad!

Six-Man Totally Overbooked Five Tables Elimination Match: Team 3-D and Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles, Christian Cage and Rhino

Tenay and West ask 'will we find out whose side Sting is on?' I'm guessing.... no.

Commercial Break

This match starts on the outside, with Cage going after Angle, Styles against Brother Ray, and Rhino battling Brother Devon through the crowd.

Back in the ring, Cage avoids the anglelock and Brother Ray gets dropkicked by The Phenomenal One.  AJ delivers a cross-bodyblock to Brother Ray on the outside, and I've just realized I'm not going to be able to follow all of this, real-time or otherwise. How about we just leave it to eliminations or major sequences? Deal? Deal.

Team 3-D tries to put Styles through the table, but can't quite get the job done. Soon, Rhino and Cage toss Devon off the turnbuckle and through the table, eliminating the former Reverend.

Angle enters the ring and starts waffling the faces with a steel chair as we go to a...

Commercial Break

During the break, Rhino gores himself through a table. Why wouldn't they show that during the show? I mean, seriously, this is pre-taped, no? Anyways, the odds are evened up now. The announcers celebrate this by talking about Sting.

Christian tries to put Angle through a wobbly table, but Brother Devon returns to ringside to attack him, and Team 3-D put Christian Cage through a table, using the 3-D (shouldn't they call that move the "Dudley Boyz" now?). Anyways, Cage is eliminated. It's now two on one.

Johnny Devine comes in and accidentally throws salt in the eyes of Brother Ray. Blinded, Brother Ray puts Devine through the table instead, and while he's groggy, falls through a table on his own. He's eliminated, and its now down to AJ and Angle.

Styles is about to leap on Angle, when Frank Trigg comes out of nowhere and hits Styles with the kendo stick. This causes a distraction so that Angle can put Styles through the table for the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Post-match, Angle and Trigg celebrate.

Commercial Break

Booker T comes out to the ring wearing a robe that's a cross between Rick Rude and Ric Flair. He also has a contract and Sharmell The announcers talk about Sting.

Samoa Joe comes out with Kevin Nash. Joe is wearing a suit and tie. Big Sexy... not so much.

Booker has added a few extra stipulations to the cage match for Hard Justice -- tables, ladders, chairs and anything else. Before Joe can sign, though, Nash has been asked to leave.  Joe's down with that, so long as Booker sends his "bat-wielding wench" away. T kisses Sharmell before dismissing her and invites Joe to do the same (presumably to his partner Nash)- but Joe hears that Sharmell is a lousy kisser.

As soon as the wives are sent away, King Bookah signs on the dotted line and invites Joe to do the same -- only the lights go out. When they go back on, Joe is unconcious, and Booker is holding a black baseball bat.

Wait.... that bat must belong to.... STING!!!!!!!

Or possibly someone else who bought a black baseball bat. Just sayin'.

As Booker stands over Joe, we fade to black.

Good night everyone. Hope this was as fun for you as it was for me. See you next week with "World Wrestling Insanity Breaking News", and in the meantime, please remember that Aaron Wood sucks.