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Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: A BANG-BANGin' debut
By Fritz Stephey
This report is being written in Real-Time. You may need to hit refresh to read the latest results.
LAST WEEK: Mick Foley debuted in TNA...via a 12 second long video clip. THIS WEEK: Don't worry though, because this week is his for real debut...like...he'll actually be there...maybe... not so much...FOOLED YOU, hahahaha! We are opening iMPACT! with the Silver Guitar Slinger, J-E-Double F J-A-Double-R-E-Double T. The crowd is hot for him, chanting his name. Tonight, he is speaking as the founder of TNA. It's his honor to announce that TNA has signed...Mick Foley. Yes, Mick Foley...the greatest aquisistion of TNA History, Jarrett says (...where have I heard that before?) That ques Kurt Angle. Kurt disagrees that Foley could even be considered a great aquisistion. Kurt broke his ass for 2 years holding TNA up...Foley is yesterdays news. Jarrett strikes back with dignity, essentially. He sings the praises of Angle, saying he talked with AJ Styles and will be giving Angle's gold medal back. Kurt, while thankful for that...wants Jeff out of his damn ring. Enough ass-kissing, Jarrett...Angle knows he's the man! As Jarrett slowly walks off, Angle antogonizes him, calling him washed up like his father. And hey, Jeff...tell your 3 daughters that you're a failure. Jarrett rushes back to the ring. He tells Kurt he is no quitter, and that he has no idea what he's been through. He's told him once...you don't wanna get involved...Kurt. <Commercial Break> It's time for some rasslin', and we're gonna open up with a tag match! The Rock N' Rave Infection will be taking on Matt Morgan and Abyss. Rave and Abyss start off the match. After Rave realizes his blows are doing absolutely nothing to Abyss...he tags in Lance Rock. Rock doesn't have much luck either, and eats a flying cross-body-block from Matt Morgan. Double M sends the fight outside, where Christy Hemme gives his back a good clawing. RnRtake control, but Matty boy hits a nice dropkick on Rave. Blackhole Slam on ROCK, Shocktreatmeant on Rave! Morgan is tagged in, and he nails the Hellovater on Rave, picking up the 3-count. Immediately following the matchm, Team 3Ds music hits. Devon is on the mic, and he tells MnA that their win at the PPV was a fluke. This is the most bad-ass tag team ever boy! 9-Time WWE Tag Champs, 1 Time WCW Tag Champs, 8 Time ECW Tag Champs, All Japan Tag Champs, 1-Time TNA Tag Champs...alltogether...20-times. There is not one damn tag team in this damn business that has done better! Ray lays it out straight...the Tag Team Invitational at Bound For Glory...is gonna be a Monsters Ball! TNA's RoughCut this week is still featuring Roxxi Laveuax...Johnny Craze must be eating this up. <Comm Break> As I return...I'm in the middle of a Beer Money promo...(I had to take a piss folks...when nature calls, I f***in' answer...sorry 'bout your damn luck). Awesome Kong makes her way to the ring with...no one. Raesha is nowhere to be found. Kong is taking on Mercedes Steele. Mercedes is a screamer, as she yells out nothing in particular for each strike she goes for. The crowd chants "Kong's Gonna Kill You". Not much to cover here...AWESOME-BOMB and it's done. Out of nowhere afterwards, Saed rushes out with a chair...and belts Kong! It's ROXXI! Roxxi is beating the shnot outta Kong! The real Raisha comes out tied up and frantic. As we return from break, we are treated to Karen's Angle, featuring Christian Cage. Their conversation focused on the backstage tensions of the young guns and the old-timers. Backstage, Lauren is with Hector Guerrero and LAX. I cannot at this time tell what they were saying...but, they're confident they'll be kickin' beer money ass. Cue the TNA Video Game Commercial. We're back, and Jeremiah Borash is backstage with the African King Booker T. That was not meant to be racist, folks...Booker speaks with a weird fake accent and acts like royalty. He sounds like Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Live Action films...it's ridiculous(ly awesome). LAX and Beer Money Inc are facing off, losing team loses their manager! Hector manages to hit the three-amigo's on Roode, and then chases after Jaquelin. We return from a quick break, and Storm and Homicide are the legal men. DDT from the top rope from 'Cide. Hernandez is in, and so is Roode. Beer Money hits a nice double team move, including a, and I'm quoting Don West here, backstabber from Storm. Hernadez was about to Border-Toss Homicide outside onto Storm and Roode, but Jackie breaks things up. Roode gets a massive shoulder-block from Hernandez...who sends him outside and then leaps outside the ring to crush both men. Gringo-Cutta from Homicide! Robert Roode clocks Hernan over the head with Storm's football beer helmet!!! The ref didn't see it, 1-2-3...winners, BEER MONEY. Hector Guerrero is no longer a part of LAX. <Commercial Break> As we return from break, we have a tape from Lauren who is with The Guru Sonjay Dutt and SoCal Val...who have apparently been in bed for the past 10 days. We're hearing from The Icon Sting, next. Sting says last week he listened to Jeff...and now Jeff needs to listen to HIM. Jeff, it was YOU that called me to come out of retirement to come to TNA. It was YOU who said you needed help. It was at that time I got a call from Vince McMahon. It didn't take me long to pick one, Jeff. Even though McMahon said I was giving up Millions, I chose TNA...because I liked the brand. I liked what I saw...until I went backstage. Sting is giving us a history lesson. Arn, Dusty, Hulk, Flair...and then a pic of Samoa Joe holding every TNA Title..."That is a man who is not ready to be champ", says Stinger...a pic of Sting bloodied up, holding up the TNA Title "That's a man who'll get the job done". Backstage, Matt Morgan is trying to win over Abyss for the upcoming Monsters Ball match. That is followed by a Samoa Joe promo...where he doesn't raise his voice at all. At the end of the segment, Jay Lethal and Creed come in to give Joe props for everything he does... <Commercial Break> We're back and we're ready for a non-title contest! The X-Division Champ, Middle Eastern Nightmare Sheik Abdul Shabir is taking on World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa Joe. Sheik starts off with a few good hits, but as he charges Joe...he gets thrown in the air and slammed to the mat. Joe whips Abdul into the corner, and goes to plant his knee into Shabir's face...but Daivari ducks, and Joe's knee eats turnbuckle. Sheik gives a dropkick to the leg, and while Joe gets some nice moves in, Paula Abdul keeps working on the knee/leg of Joe. Joe regains control, hits a senton and picks up a 2-count. Following, Shabir hits a jawbreaker...and goes back to work on the leg. Joe finally regains control and nails the muscle-buster! 1-2-3...Joe wins. Joe is on the mic now...he sends Sting a message on Respect...and locks on the rear-naked-choke on Daviari. Rudy Charles therefore reverses his decision and Sheik Abdul Shabir is declared the winner...but Joe has yet to break off the choke. The 4 officials finally break him off... Backstage, JB is with AJ Styles. AJ says Booker can't pull mind-games and turn Christian and himself against each other... <Commercial Break> It's time for our FEATURED CONTEST, Booker T vs. AJ Styles. But before the match starts, Christian Cage's music interrupts. CC will be watching at ringside...AJ and Booker start off with a lock-up, and Booker takes AJ to the corner and breaks off. They go back to center stage, and Booker hits a knee to the gut and a chop to the back. AJ fights back and steals control...he nails some chops, and a flying forearm into Booker in the corner. AJ dodges a boot from Bookerm and nails him on the back of the head...1-2...no go, as we go into <Commercial Break> We return and Booker has control. He drops a knee across Styles' chest, and follows up with a ton of chops. He flips him and goes for a pin, but grabs only a 2-count. Booker slaps on a choke hold, and we go through the classic "arm drop"...AJ stops his hand before the 3...fights up and takes over. Springboard Flying Forearm! 1-2-NO! Booker and AJ collide, and both fall over, AJ conveniently falling over referee Earl Hebner. Sharmell enters the ring with a breifcase...but Cage runs in and stops her. AJ turns around to see Christian with the case...and Booker attacks AJ from behind. T nails AJ with the breifcase and pins him. Hebner, clueless of what has happened, makes the 3-count. All in All...very very very meh. Absolutely nothing to get excited about here. It seems as if they were just going through the motions...and hell, you follow up your shitty debut of Foley...by telling us we will actually see him NEXT week? WTF...you don't do that! That's it for me guys. Enjoy your weekend! Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Lance
Cade Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Bobby
Lashley Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Harley
Race Sylvester
Terkay
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| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
