Impact
Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: Introducing The New TNA Champion Samoa Joe
By Fritz Stephey
Apr 17, 2008 - 11:50 PM

Hey WWI folks, welcome to my Real-Time report of a taped show! TNA opens up, saying they set new attendance records for their PPV (Isn't it FREE, anyways?). And highlight Lockdown, including SAMOA JOE winning the championship. Ya'll ready to CROSS the LINE?

Tonight, 3 TNA Championships will be on the line...that'd be, yes, all 3 of them. (Ok so, not the tag titles, but uh...still). Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring. He says WE are the champions. 3 Nights ago, he sacrificed all for the TNA Title. He says Kurt is one of the baddest warriors he's been in the ring with (In a good way). 3 people in the crowd clap. Joe said he was about to give up being champ, but when he looked out at the fans, that there was no surrendering (A PPV that we'll see this match at again?). Joe shows off the title, says it will be defended by the sweat of his brow and the blood of his fist. It's damn real, folks...A cheap plug for Disney, and Scott Steiner is out of the gate. If you'll remember, Scotty said last week, that'd he'll be cashing in at TNAs next PPV.

Scotty hates to break up the redneck love, but he's here to talk about Sacrifice (both the literal term and the PPV). Scotty rewards Lil-Poppa-Canuck the X-Division title case. As for Joe, he has a fat @$$, and his sacrifice was eating a 5th twinkie and a loaded burger (Speaking of which, I'm DAMN hungry). Scotty says, in Joe's case, bigger is NOT better. Samoa Joe: You are Genetic Junk. Steiner left his mark in WCW, WWE, Japan, all but TNA. At Sacrifice, Joe's the lamb. HEY LOOK, it's Kurt Angle...gansta music.

Angle admits Joe beat him at Lockdown. Joe says, win or lose, he learns his mistakes, and never makes the same mistake twice. Scotty, you have earned a Title Shot, and the crowd is chanting Goldberg. WTF, Orlando? Shut up. Angle says Steiner has a title shot for Sacrifice. Uh oh, contract clause! Title Rematch clause! Angle can have a rematch at ANY time. Next week, Angle vs. Joe: TNA World Title, Live, FREE, it's DAMN real.

Backstage, Lauren (A new TNA team member), is interviewing Christian and Rhino. They've rekindled their friendship, and aren't writing off a team run. Interrupting is Team 3D. Devon says it's a matter of time, but Christian will screw Rhino. Ray gets personal and says what happened to Rhyno of ECW (Copyright infringement?). Backing up Team 3D, James Storm, Kip James. A brawl ensues.

<Commercial Break>

We are moments away from an X-Division Title Match! Backstage, JB is with the Champ, Black Machismo. SoCal Val and Sonjay Dutt walk out of the womens room, laughing. Sonjay tells JB they were just talking, and JB says he's on to him.

Guess who's on commentary? Hermie Saddler. Johnny D is carrying a camera to the ring (wasn't that a Paparazzi gimmick thing?). Anyways, he is taking on Black Machismo, X-Division Champion, Jay Lethal, accompanied by cheating girlfriend, SoCal Val. Divin starts off the match hitting him from behind. Johnny repeatedly screams "I'm gonna kill him!" and "Why won't you die!" (Something I'm sure 90% of you say when viewing TNA programming). Outside the ring, Devine sends Machodude chest first on the guardrail. He flops Jay onto the top rope, and hits a double axe-handle across his back. Moonsault from Johnny D, but he'll only grab a 2-count. Devine Intervention reversed by Lethal. Clotheslines, an enziguri, and Lethal drags Devin across the top rope. He goes nuts, hits the elbow, and picks up the 3. Your winner, still champion, "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal.

Pretty sloppy to me, but...wait. Petey Williams runs out and clocks him.

<Commercial Break>

Back from the break, Tenay informs us that during the break, Petey did all the good action you wanted to see. He DDT'd Cheezemo straight onto the case. He slams his head into the case, and is demanding his match take place NOW. Petey picks him up, hits the Canadian Destroyer and picks up the win! Winner and NEW X-Division Champion, Lil-Poppa-Canuck, Lil-Petey-Pump, Petey Williams.

What a douche. I LOVE it. Petey hasn't been anything for too long. Hopefully, you know, they GO SOMEWHERE with it.

Backstage, we learn LAX has a Tag Title match tonight. (Wow, was I wrong? Ok, so tonight we have X-Division Title match, Women's title and Tag Titles, then...Not Heavyweight). Is this a bad time to mention that Hernadez is wearing the gayest poncho ever? I'm sorry...but he is. Jeff Hardy hair-style, if you know what I mean. Taste the rainbow...no thanks, I'd rather not.

Matt Morgan is in the ring, on the mic. Cornette has been a father to him, when it comes to Pro-Wrestling. He's making his time, NOW. (So, Matt is getting a John Cena gimmick). Genitically Jacked, Athletically Stacked...Brrrrrrr-YABADO!.

<Commercial Break>

Buy Best of TNA 2007, available Tuesday on DVD. It features Kurt Angle...and ONLY Kurt Angle.

Backstage, Lauren is with Samoa Joe. He asks if Angle and Steiner think they can take the belt away from him. He is the standard-bearer, and he defends the title with skill, not politics. Kevin Nash is dosing off in the background.

Our next match is a 3 way tag match for the Tag Titles. Out first, is LAX. Eric Young and KAZ are out next. I can't believe Eric still acts like a 5-year old when the pyro goes off. And finally, your tag champs, AJ Styles and Tomko. By the way, anyone have an MP3 of Styles Heel Theme? I really like it. And I'm the kind of nerd who needs it alongside his Face theme in my iTunes library.

AJ and Eric young start off the match. I hate this match type because it's a 3-way, but only two people (And thus, two teams) are in the ring at one time. It's utterly confusing and STUPID. Why even bother having the 3rd team (Beside the fact that TNA thinks the more wrestlers in a cluster fight is better than...I dunno, a well-played match)? Eric Young head out, and goes backstage.

<Commercial Break>

As we return, we see a nice spinning heel kick from KAZ. He's all alone in the ring, as Eric Young has abandoned him. Flux Capacitor from KAZ on AJ Styles. Uh oh, it's Lucha-H---erm, Super Eric time! AJ turns around...and falls flat and pulls a rotflmao...not, Super Eric beats him up and pins him. NO joke. Your new Tag Champs: Super Eric and Kaz.

What...the...fuhuhuuuuuuuuuudge?

<Commercial Break>

Backstage, AJ pleads his case. Super Eric and Eric Young? Not the same people. That's outside interference. Jim Cornette says he will investigate.

Up next...a Tag team Grudge Match. Team 3D will be taking on Rhino and Christian Cage. Inverted DDT by Christian on Devon, but it only scores a 2. Corkscrew elbow from Christian on Ray. Belly-to-belly suplex from Rhino to Ray. Double-clothesline on Team 3D by the one and only Rhino. Cross-body from Christian on Team 3D.

<Commercial Break>

We're back, and Cage and Devon are controlling the fight now. MONSTER back body-drop from Ray on Christian. Christian is tied to the tree of woe, and Devon slaps his foot down square on his balls. Speaking of BAWLS, (it's a delicious energy drink that I felt I should plug, considering the perfect timing and all).

Speaking of balls, still, Ray sat on his own on the top corner post. Belly-To-Belly from Rhino to Devon, spine-buster on brother Ray. Ray low-blowed Christian! BALLS! Ray clotheslines Devon, and Cage and Rhino bank on the benefit. 1-2-3, Rhino scores the win. Ray and Devon seem to be heated against each other. They're fighting and security runs in.

Backstage, Cornette interrogates Eric Young. Eric says it's Jim's call. Eric must suffer from Black Reign syndrome, because Eric hasn't seen nor heard Super Eric at all tonight. In fact, he's mad he missed him. Backstage, the Diva's are experiencing what we men have come to fear, as the period...where women get angry with their working conditions. They all have a giant room. Jim says there's gonna be sacrifices, b*tches! They're really hyping the PPV. Crossing the Line: In number of angry women packed in one room.

<Commercial Break>

Back from break, and Styles and Tomko are in the ring with Cornette. Jim apologizes for all the stupidity on this TV show (REALLY!?). Court is now in session, and AJ accuses Super Eric of Interference. Judge Corny calls out Eric Young, saying he'll admit to being Super Eric. Who comes out, but Kaz, alone, with both title belts. Super Eric's music hits and HE makes his way to the ring. Cornette demands Super Eric explain that he is indeed Eric Young. Super Eric calls Corny Commissioner Gordon, and says he knows not of who he's speaking of. Kaz tells SE to get his act together. These are the TAG TITLES! Eric says he can't do that. Cornette strips them of the titles! They are now VACANT!

Backstage, Kip James, James Storm and Robert Roode and being interviewed. They aren't intimidated by Sting or BG James or Booker T. They each have their respective feuds with the other (Storm-Sting, Booker-Roode, James-James). They each cut promos on each of them (you know, the same ones they've been feuding with for months or weeks, in some cases).

It's time for the TNA Knockout Championship match! Roxxi Laveaugh is taking on the one...the only...AWESOME KONG, accompanied by Raisha Siaed. What are the chances Roxxi wins this match? She's so friggin skinny...and Kong is...well...um...yeah, I'll actually leave that one to you.

<Back from a Commercial Break>

This crowd is actually cheering Roxxi's name...somewhat. Too bad Kong's gonna eat her. Kong keeps control, and throws Roxxi around like the lil' toothpick that she is. Kong has delivered a mere 500 Ric Flair slaps to Roxxi. Jawbreaker from Roxxi, though. Nice move. Just when you think Roxxi is gaining momentum, she flies smack into Kong's chest...and gets knocked down. Kong flies off from the middle rope but will taste the bitter canvas! Roxxi with a big boot, 1-2-NO! Shoulder block, spinning neckbreaker, backsplash, 1-2-NO! Roxxi is trying hard. Awesome Bomb from Kong, and BOOM, she's still your champ.

Backstage, JB and ANgle are having a chat. Someone stole Kurt's name plaque for his dressing room. JB tells him that's a storage room. JB then says, he's no longer the champ. Angle says he IS the champion! Hell, he'll bounce back. He slipped once! Next week, Joe's gonna slip and TNA will mean "Total Nonstop Angle" again! Oh it's real, now get out of his way.

<Commercial breakage>

<Back from a Commercial Break>

This crowd is actually cheering Roxxi's name...somewhat. Too bad Kong's gonna eat her. Kong keeps control, and throws Roxxi around like the lil' toothpick that she is. Kong has delivered a mere 500 Ric Flair slaps to Roxxi. Jawbreaker from Roxxi, though. Nice move. Just when you think Roxxi is gaining momentum, she flies smack into Kong's chest...and gets knocked down. Kong flies off from the middle rope but will taste the bitter canvas! Roxxi with a big boot, 1-2-NO! Shoulder block, spinning neckbreaker, backsplash, 1-2-NO! Roxxi is trying hard. Awesome Bomb from Kong, and BOOM, she's still your champ.

Backstage, JB and ANgle are having a chat. Someone stole Kurt's name plaque for his dressing room. JB tells him that's a storage room. JB then says, he's no longer the champ. Angle says he IS the champion! Hell, he'll bounce back. He slipped once! Next week, Joe's gonna slip and TNA will mean "Total Nonstop Angle" again! Oh it's real, now get out of his way.

<Commercial breakage>

Indeed it's time for the MAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT! Kip James, James Storm and Robert "James" Roode (Well hell, at least I'm trying to make some sense of the team, right?) vs. STING, BOOKER T and BG James. Booker T and Robert Roode will start of the match...scratch that, Booker T and KIP will start off the match. Spinebuster from Sting to Roode, 2 clotheslines and a 2-count. BG tagged in, takes a shot at Kip, 2-count for Roode.

<Commercial Break...the final one of the night, I presume>

Back from the break, and Roode and BG are the legal men. The crowd wants Booker (Because they love the Roode/T fight?) Back to back swings from Roode and BG, both men get knocked out. The ten count begins. The crowd is chanting for Sting now. Booker is tagged in and he's fighting off all the other team, because they all ran in. Sting just stands in the corner. Spine-buster on storm, spin-a-rooney, but Roode breaks it off. Sting and Roode are fighting each other off. Storm grabs a beer bottle and...gets a big boot from Matt Morgan who runs in. Booker hits the scissors kick and picks up the win!

There is a scuffle though. Booker grabs the Mic. He says he doesn't need help from Matt. He tells Sting to back off, and tells him be ready to take some. Booker/Sting next week?

You know, overall, I enjoyed this iMPACT! more than the previous two, but...this show is still as confusing as hell. They had some title matches, they had some decent length, but...there seems to be nothing but chaos on this show. There's run-ins, mindless scuffles, more than 2 men in the ring at one time, etc. They really need to balance it out better.

Anyways, that does it for me. Thank you for reading, whether you did live or are reading it afterwards, I appreciate you taking the time. As always, I'm open to discussion, comments, criticisms, the like. Just find me here on the boards, on facebook, or if needs be, e-mail (BrothaFritz@gmail.com). Have a good week folks, and hope to see you again next week!