Impact
Fritz Stephey's TNA Impact Report: Sting and Nash Killed WCW, Angle and Joe Make Nice, and Matt Morgan Loses One Of His Jobs
By Fritz Stephey
Apr 11, 2008 - 6:19 AM

Hey there WWI Readers! Tis I, your officially NEW TNA iMPACT! reviewer...and WWE HEAT expert...Fritz Stephey! Now, I have some explainin' to do. I WAS gonna real-time this, and that will be the normal way of doing this...but yesterday, and even tying into Wednesday, I just had one hell of a few days there. I couldn't swing Real-Timing it. Next week's indeed, will be Real Time though. Alrighty, so forgive me if when you're reading this it sounds rushed. I wanted to assure you got the review, and I'm just a bit set off. It should still be good though.

We open with Tenay and West hyping Lockdown (which, did you know, is apparently THIS Sunday?) Team Tomko make their way into the iMPACT! zone, to AJ Styles Heel Theme Remix. I love how Tomko really doesn't have a theme anymore. How long has he been moochin' off Styles'? Tomko is clearly holding a Mic, but apparently Brother Ray is as well. He has two things he's gotta say:

1. Christian is a skinny little man who isn't so smart. Team T is hardly impressed with the Matt Morgan swerve (Jeeze, I wonder if that's because of how evident it was when iMPACT! started last week).

2. Sting and Nash are ruining the business. They bully promoters, suck cash, and are the reason WCW died. (I would say that could be foreshadowing, but I've read that TNA is actually about to make money).

This of course brings out Team Cage. He tells Ray to shut his fat ass up. He's like Hillary Clinton in a fat suit, but Hillary has "bigger balls." And he's the face, heh (or...is he?) Cage strikes back at Team Tomko, saying he saw James Storm joining them right from when he cracked Sting over the face with a beer bottle. He says it was blatantly obvious, and one of the reasons he told Tomko he should NEVER think. AJ flubs out a "Don't bring it, sing it!" line. As Team Cage enters the ring, Team Tomko leaves, but AJ stayed in...that is until he noticed his team bailed.

A video package of Joe, saying he'll be signing the "Samoans are F***in' Liars" contract tonight, assuring everyone IF he loses, he'll leave Pro Wrestling.

After the Commercial Break, we have an interview between the newlyweds, JB and Kurt. Angle says that 75% of the matches he and Joe have had, Kurt has won. Why is everyone behind Joe, when he's only won 25% of them? (For those of you who don't follow, Angle has won 3/4 matches). JB also asks Kurt if he's been watching Joe's training videos. To Angle, the videos are irrelevant. He's the best fighter EVER, how is Joe gonna catch up with a lifetime in just a few weeks?

Christy Hemme and the Rock N Rave Infection make their way out. Jimmy Rave is in an X-scape Qualifying match. He is taking on Consequences Creed, in his TNA Debut! Yeah, a newbie is getting a qualifying match for an X-Division Championship match! There was an insanely high leg drop from CC, but Rave took over with a big knee to the face. A Hammerlock DDT, called the CreedDT, and 1-2-3, Creed will be at Lockdown (Not the band).

In the middle of a backstage interview between Crystal and Black Machismo, Sonjay Dutt interrupted and hit on SoCal Val...he's gonna take her shopping.

Back from another Commercial Break and Jim Cornette has joined Tenay and West on commentary. They're hyping Lockdown again. Holy crap, there's apparently a 12 men, 2 team, 11 handcuffs "Cuffed In a Cage" match. And Roode will face Booker T in an intergender match? WTF.

Jimmy wants to briefly talk about Matt Morgan. See, Jim is fine with Matt's brilliant ideas and desire to Wrestle, he just DIDN'T like the fact that none of it was run by him. Corny says Matt can wrestle if he wants to, but an active wrestler can't hold a spot on Management duty, therefore, Jimmy fires Matt from Management.(Holy sh*t! TNA just used logic. There MAY be hope yet).

Backstage, Matt says he's fine with being removed from management. He says they don't do jack anyways. Matt calls himself the "Genetically Jacked, Athletically Stacked Giant."

Another hype spot for Lockdown. I once thought it was an awesome idea, y'know, until I watched it once. Then I realized, it's killing the cage match for them. And it's all gimmicked. Boo!

The next video package is NOT meant for Canadian viewing. I say that, as it all involves Scott Steiner brutally torturing (...literally) a once beloved Canuck. I missed most of this, but apparently Mr. Feast or Fired used methods of water torture electrocution and the like, against Petey Williams. They both make their way to the ring, and will be taking on The Motor City Machine Guns.

The Highlights:

- Bulldog from Petety reverses by Sabin, went into a rolling pin that didn't even score a 1-count.

- Belly-To-Belly from Steiner on Sabin.

- Shelly tagged in, goes nuts.

- Sabin runs in, dropkicks Scotty off the ring apron

- Frog-splash from Shelly that scores only a 2-count.

- Canadian Destroyer on Shelly, and Petety wins by pinfall.

After the match, Scott pulls out scissors and says there's one last thing Williams has to do. Cut the hair. PW reluctantly follows the order, and loses the ponytail. Scott pulls out the electric trimmer to finish the job and dawns Petey with his own metal head dress. I wonder how the whole video package that started this off made ZAH and CB feel...hmm.

After the commercial break, they replay the head shaving, and then go into a video package on predictions from various people on who's gonna win Joe/Angle. The package showed off the entire history of Joe/Angle, including footage from when the feud was hot.

Angle makes his way to the ring and pulls out a contract. He says soon his problem will be gone, and Joe will be quitting Wrestling forever (Where have I heard THAT before?) Joe comes out. He isn't worried. He signs the deal and promises he'll be World Heavyweight Champion come Sunday. They then end the segment...with a handshake. Wow, that is the 2nd most impressive thing I've seen TNA do...a contract signing that didn't end in a massive, pointless brawl.

After the break, TNA shows a replay of the signing (Because they've got time to waste). Backstage, Gail and ODB say they're gonna put an end to Kong's reign of terror on Sunday. ODB has a message particularly for Siead. She's gonna rip that towel off your face, and you both are gonna have an ugly contest (After all, if you're hiding behind a cloth, you must be ugly).

The next match is a div---er---knockouts match between Angelina Love and Roxi Laveuax. Is it just me, or is Love and Skye the two most slow moving, graceful women wrestling? How can you hit a cross body that takes 5 seconds long, and do it smoothly like that? Roxi hits a clothesline, gets a big boot, and then the ref gets distracted by Skye. Roxi, however, hits the Voodoo Drop and picks up the 3 count.

Backstage, JB interviews SUPER Eric. Eric says he's gonna tear of Black Reigns mask and expose his real self. I'm frightened.

Their match that followed? It was short. Black Reign started off by dragging Eric outside the ring, smashing him into the corner post, the steel steps and what have you. It went back into the ring where Dustin hit a no-hands pedigree, but Eric took control, hit a missile drop-kick and picked up the win. This was followed by Rellik running out, them handcuffing Eric to the top rope, Kaz running out, Rock N Rave running out, Eric breaking out of the handcuffs and clearing the ring. WTF, indeed.

Backstage (boy I've been saying that a lot today), Sting and Nash set the record straight. They love each oth---no no, Sting says he loves wrestling and this is where he belongs. Nash, while saying Sting's thoughts are honorable, says he's different. Nash is in it for the money. And how do you make the money? By being old guys who hate WWE! Oh wait, I mean...by being a Main Eventer. So...yeah, in this case, old guys who hate WWE.

MAIIIIIIN EVENT time, Team 3D vs. Nash/Sting. That has $$$ written all over it (Which is why it's on free TV). Nash starts off the match with all his big moves (Namely punches and knees the stomach). Sting and Ray get into a heated confrontation. Ray calls Sting an old man and Sting spits in his face. He gets in some big hits, takes him to the corner, bites him, hits a back body drop, goes for the Stinger Splash but Ray dodges.

After the break, 3D has control over Sting, but he hits them with a double clothesline, and tags in Nash. They then take out the trash, sending them both the the corner, Sting giving both a huge Stinger Splash, and Sting locks on the Deathlock while Kevin goes for a pin over Devon. Team Tomko runs in and the match is thrown. We then have a MILLION run outs from each team, the last out being Matt Morgan. The brawl ensues all over the building and we end iMPACT!.

Wow, just...mediocre all over. Again, I really didn't have a stand out match, there was a whole butt load of segments, but they did hype up Lockdown. If I had to give you a rating out of 10, I'd say this was more or less the same as last weeks (A 5/10). Anyways, that's it for me. Tune in next week, as we will be in the aftermath of Lockdown AND this report will be in Real-Time! Thanks for reading, guys!