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Greetings to all from your Empress of Impact, your Girly Parts Jesus, the one who suffers for your sins every Monday night! Thanks very much to all the awesome people who sent me happy birthday wishes last Friday, you guys all rock! Speaking of, somebody please tell Chris Sabin that there's still time to make birthday wishes #5, #6, and #7 come true. These naughty schoolgirl outfits don't tear themselves off, you know!
On a slightly related note, tonight's Impact features Angelina Love and Velvet Sky in a "Leather and Lace" match. Whatever that happens to be. I'm sure you'll all like it anyway. What else is in store for us? Will I be the only person on the planet watching to find out? Find the nearest line and cross it, peoples!
[Joker voice/] And here we...go!
We open with Jeff Jarrett hitting the ring in street clothes. The Founder of TNA reminds us that he founded the company almost eight years ago. TNA stands for "Total Nonstop Action." Really? Really? We had no idea. Jarrett isn't going to talk about kicking Sting's ass, he's going to act on it. Right now. Jarrett is off to the rafters, yelling for Sting and demanding answers. The jerky camera catches Sting crouching behind a railing. Jarrett attacks Sting and knocks him down some stairs. Sting slides down the stairs headfirst and on his back, like a little kid playing "Slide Down the Stairs." Jarrett and Sting fight down the stairs, with Jarrett getting the upper hand and yelling for answers. Jarrett's punches don't look so good. Sting is driven back to the ring with punches. Loud chants of "Why, Sting, Why?" A blackout! Sting is suddenly standing up, behind Jarrett. A blackout was necessary for that? Sting attacks Jarrett with the baseball bat. Lots of booing. "Modest" kicks in, and here comes Jeff Hardy! RVD and Abyss follow him. Sting bails.
To the fancy locker room! JB is with Ric Flair, Chelsea, Beer Money, AJ Styles, and Desmond Wolfe. Flair is of course the focus of everything, and he babbles about hating Hogan's guts and killing Hulkamania. In 2010. Robert Roode will make sure that Jeff Hardy never flies again. Desmond Wolfe will not just tame the Monster Abyss, he will maim him, and that ring will be ours. Chelsea interrupts. "You mean mine." Wolfe says, "Right, yours, that's what I said." So Desmond Wolfe is whipped now. Ok. AJ and Wolfe will team up to take out Abyss and The Pope.
To the announce table! Team 3D and Jesse Neal enter, dragging plunder with them. They call out The Band, saying that they were supposed to have a match right now, but they had all just left Hogan's office. Hogan was as pissed as Team 3D was, and now the match is a New York Street Fight, where falls count anywhere.
Team 3D and Jesse Neal vs. The Band (New York Street Fight): All six men are in the ring at once with all the plunder, so calling this is hard. Neal smashes a trash can into Waltman's head. Devon hits Nash with a trash can lid. Brother Ray hits Scott Hall with a kendo stick. The highest-paid man (per show) on the TNA roster crawls up the ramp. Team 3D and Neal totally dominate all three members of The Band. Huge chants for "Tables!" Neal works over the neck of Waltman. The Band has not gotten any offense in during this match. That makes me happy. Them being out of TNA and not on my tv at all would make me more happy. "Wazzup?" on Hall. "Get the tables!" Nash hits Devon and Neal with low blows. Oh, #@%&!!! Bubba the Love Sponge runs down and causes a distraction, allowing Waltman to put Brother Ray through the table and get the win. WHAT??? The Band starts to beat down Team 3D. Eric Young makes the save, carrying some kind of giant crowbar thing. Young calls out Nash for a match at "Lockdown," a cage match, of course. Young is going to get righteous.
Winners: The Band
To the back! Christy Hemme chases down Hogan, asking how Team Hogan is dealing with the beatdowns from Team Flair. Hogan sees Eric Bischoff talking to Flair, and asks to see him in his office. TNA is clearly all about Hogan, Bischoff, and Flair. In 2010.
Shannon Moore vs. Kazarian: Jeff Hardy's totally not-over friend wears the Book of Whatever around his neck. Much is made of Kazarian not wanting Moore to leapfrog over him in the X-Division title picture. Douglas Williams will put the X-Division title on the line against both Moore and Kazarian at "Lockdown." This despite the fact that Kazarian earned the #1 Contender spot at a previous ppv. Hmm, just like the MCMG. As far as the match goes, lots of counters and armdrags, and a slower pace than one might expect from the X-Division. Moore "totally neutralizes" Kazarian for most of the match. I'm sorry, Moore does nothing for me, and never has. Moore pulls a crossbody out of the corner, but Kazarian kicks out at two. Moore crashes to the floor over the top rope. Kazarian decks Moore and throws him into the ring apron. Slingshot legdrop over the top rope from Kazarian. Douglas Williams comes out, and looks less than pleased. Williams seats himself at the announce table. Tenay says that the X-Division is a staple of TNA, and has been since Day One. Really, Tenay? How can you people say that with a straight face? You've killed the X-Division dead, and you all know it. Williams is great on commentary, but the commentary seems to be more important than th ematch itself. Moore hits a sloppy moonsault from the top turnbuckle on Kazarian on the floor. NICE move from Kaz where he gets Moore up on his shoulders, crosses Moore's arms, and falls over backwards. Two-count only, though. Moore scores his own two-count from the top rope. Williams points out that both guys will be so tired because of their in-ring style that he'll be able to pick up the pieces. The time-limit of ten minutes is enforced, and the bell rings. The match goes to a draw. Williams talks trash, and gets booed.
Winner: Time Limit Draw
To the back! JB interviews Velvet Sky and her much larger new breasts. Seriously, she didn't used to be that big, and she's alway been stunningly smokin', so she didn't need them. Sky informs us that her "Leather and Lace" match against Angelina Love is not for the Knockouts title. That title is up for grabs in a tag team match at "Lockdown," where The Beautiful People defend against Angelina Love and Tara. Whoever pins Love gets the title belt. Tonight, whoever gets stripped down to her underwear loses the match. Oh, good God! The Knockouts used to have actual matches. Now it's a bra and panties match every week. Yes, they're hot. We get it. This is really insulting.
To the office! Hogan takes Bischoff to task for conniving with Flair. Bischoff claims to be keeping Flair close and win his confidence, as Team Hogan has been taking a beating lately. It's all to get things back under control. Riiight. Enter Jay Lethal. Yes, he asks to reform the Mega Powers. Oh, crap.
Tenay and Taz discuss the motivations of Hogan and Bischoff. Make it stop!
To the back! JB is with Angelina Love. Love says that she isn't surprised at Sky's choice. Love is a wrestler, and would have chosen an actual wrestling match. She's here to bring women's wrestling to a whole new level. Tara interrupts and takes issue with Love's winning the title with a key. Love and Tara bicker.
To the back! Christy Hemme interviews "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero and Abyss. The Pope is gold on the mic. Abyss, not so much.
Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky (Leather and Lace match): Sky makes her entrance second, and announces that this will NOT be a "Leather and Lace" match, because none of these perverts deserve to see her goodies. The match will involve Love being handcuffed in the ring while Sky whips that ass. The referee handcuffs Love as we go to commercial break. Sky refuses to get in the ring at first, and Love attacks her with kicks. Love takes control until Sky smashes the Knockouts title into Love's head. Sky grabs the mic and announces that she forgot about one more stipulation. This is now an "I Quit" match. Sky chokes Love, and shouts at her to say it. Love refuses. Sky hits Love with her wimpy little bondage riding crop. Sky demands that Love give up. Love says "No!" Sky shouts that maybe if she strips Love naked, Love will quit. The whole audience cheers. Love shouts, "I said no, you bitch!" Sky rips off Love's top, and both Madison Rayne and Lacey Von Erich run down to beat on Love. Tara makes the save, and unlocks Love's handcuffs. Love and Tara look at each other uneasily. Love holds out a hand, but Tara walks away. Sunday at "Lockdown," Tara and Love team against The Beautiful People. Both the Knockouts title and the Knockouts Tag Team titles are on the line. Oh, for God's sake! No. Wait. There is no God anywhere near TNA. I hate you, TNA. So very, very much.
To the back! Christy Hemme informs us that Abyss has been hit by a car.
To the back! Matt Morgan, continuing to refer to himself as "we." Morgan defends the Tag Team titles against the Motor City Machine Guns. The Guns win a #1 Contender shot at the tag team titles in an Ultimate X match at a ppv. They get their title shot on free tv with zero build or announcement, against a makeshift team. DAMMIT, THIS IS WRONG!!! Morgan has chosen Amazing Red as his tag team partner to defend the titles, even though he doesn't really need one.
The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Matt Morgan & Amazing Red: This is a tag team title match. On free tv. With zero build and no attention whatsoever. Alex Shelley and Matt Morgan start. It doesn't matter, as Morgan throws both Shelley and the future Mr. Bulloch around like toys. Morgan singlehandedly annihilates one of the greatest tag teams on the planet. And why, exactly? It doesn't matter, as we go to commercial break. Yes, really. It's Red and Sabin in the ring when we return. Alex Shelley tags in, and becomes Red's bitch right away. Sabin tags himself in and nearly kicks Red's face off. When he hangs on the ring apron and grins, that's for me, Just so you know. Red fights back, but the Guns hit him with a double team. Morgan drags Red to their corner and tags in. Morgan drives Sabin into the corner and drills him with elbows. Morgan squashes Shelley, then tosses Sabin around. This is embarrassing, insulting, and shameful. The Guns land some drop kicks and pile on Morgan for a pin, but Morgan kicks out and tags in Red. Sabin kicks Red in the chest, then runs up Shelley to kick Morgan off the apron. Morgan takes Sabin's head off with a discus clothesline. Morgan goes for the Hellavator, but Red hits the Code Red and gets the pin. Morgan seems to celebrtate with Red for a minute, but drops him flat before laying into him with elbows. Morgan sets up Red just like Hernandez, with his head against the ringpost. At the last second, the Guns grab Red and pull him out of the way of Morgan's kick. Sweet mother of Christ! Did you have to completely bury the Guns to push Morgan? I loathe and despise you with an unholy, fiery passion of burning, TNA. I hope you die.
Winners (and STILL Tag Team Champions): Matt Morgan and Amazing Red
To the back! Christy Hemme tells us that Abyss is in the ambulance, and that the EMTs say that he'll be ok. We see the surveillance tape of a white car, driven by what looks like Ric Flair. Christy says that we can all draw our own conclusions.
Robert Roode vs. Jeff Hardy: Mike Tenay tells us that the opening match at "Lockdown" will be James Storm against RVD, with the winner getting the numbers advantage for his team in the "Lethal Lockdown" match. Only TNA could make Jeff Hardy, the hottest superstar of the wrestling world last year, seem ordinary. Even dull. Yes, I'm still bitter about the last match. Your point? Roode and Hardy go back and forth until Roode throws Hardy into the steps on the floor. Roode follows up with a slam and a knee drop, but Hardy kicks out at two. A knee drop to the back and a rear chin lock grounds Hardy. Hardy catches Roode with a kick, and both guys are down. Hardy has taken more punishment, but the crowd chants are solidly behind him. Punches are exchanged, then clotheslines and back elbows as Hardy fights back. Front suplex from Hardy. Spinning heel kick from the top rope by Hardy, but Roode kicks out at the last second. Twist of Fate counters into a spinebuster. Hardy kicks out. Hardy ducks a clothesline and counters with a stunner. Hardy climbs to the top for a Swanton Bomb, but James Storm runs down and distracts him. Hardy fights him off, lands the Swanton Bomb anyway, and gets the win. No matter, as Storm attacks Hardy. LOUD chants for RVD. Storm has a beer bottle and a cigarette lighter. Storm takes a swig, spits at Hardy, and lights it on fire. Hardy takes a fireball to the face. Read that again. JEFF HARDY TAKES A FIREBALL TO THE FACE FROM JAMES STORM. What the hell.... I can't even ask anymore. This is a good idea? RVD runs down and attacks Storm.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Uh, if it was so horrific and despicable and not allowed to be broadcast by the tv censors, WHY are you telling us that you're showing the fireball incident in its entirety on tnawrestling.com??? I hate you, TNA. So very, very much.
To the video package of Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson's feud!
To the back! JB asks The Pope about the upcoming tag team match without Abyss. The POpe sends his prayers out to Abyss, and the prayers of The Pope go a long way. However, he's in a predicament. Enter Jay Lethal. Lethal babbles and addresses The Pope as Reverend Slick, but the gist is that Lethal will team with The Pope at Hogan's behest. The Pope doesn't look terribly pleased. I don't blame him.
Oh, Jeebus! They're pointing out Dog, the Bounty Hunter, at ringside. Well, since TNA is stuck in the 80s and early 90s, it makes sense.
"The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero & "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe: The man with the greatest entrance in wrestling today makes it to the ring. Lethal doesn't. We cut to the back, where Beer Money is kicking the crap out of Lethal. Lethal fights back, and does well, until James Storm shatters a beer bottle over Lethal's head. AJ enters, alone and grinning. Flair is wheeled out by Chelsea, a bit late. AJ grabs a mic. AJ says that it looks like a handicapped match, and calls for Desmond Wolfe. As Wolfe enters, Hogan hits him from behind with a steel chair. WTF??? I hate you, TNA. I hate you, and your mother. Apparently, Hogan has decided that Wolfe drove the car that hit Abyss. Either way, it's ok for Hogan to hit Wolfe with a chair during his entrance? Oh, my brain! Never mind what I wrote for this match. It's AJ Styles vs. "The Pope." It isn't much of a match anyway, as Flair gets up out of the wheelchair, hits "The Pope" from behind with AJ's World Heavyweight title belt, and starts to stomp him. Beer Money comes down to help. Flair lashes "The Pope" with a belt. Team Flair throws "The Pope" to the floor. Hogan strolls slowly in to great cheers. Except me. I hate him. I hate this show, this company, and the people who have destroyed what I once felt so strongly about supporting. That's three shots.
Check back next week.
If I'm still alive.