Real time coverage begins when the show starts. Don't forget to check out Mallory Mahling's Real Time Raw Report for up-to-the-minute coverage from WWE's Monday Night show.
Last week's ratings apparently shocked the powers-that-be in TNA into silence. What are they going to do about it this week? Will anyone (besides me) be watching enough to care? Join your Empress of Impact, your Girly Parts Jesus, in finding out.
[Joker voice] And here we...go!
To the video recap of Sting's heel turn! Rob Van Dam's appearance, victory, and beatdown are shown again. Brooke Hogan cries. Again. The Hogan/Abyss victory, the attack by Desmond Wolfe, and Jeff Hardy's return are played.
"Hogan's Heroes." Well, you know the joke had to be made at some point.
Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Hardy (with face paint) all get out of a yellow HumVee.
To the ring! Ric Flair and AJ Styles enter, suited, and without the usual bevy of fine, fine hoes. AJ says that Abyss is a scary-looking, but stupid, monster. Loud crowd chants of "Shut up, AJ, shut up!" AJ brings up their past classic battles, all of which AJ won. AJ does not believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or magical rings. He does believe that he's the best wrestler in the world, that he;s a gift from God, and this Sunday, Abyss - . Loud chants of "Turn his mic off!" Flair takes over and says that he wishes that he could be as in control as AJ is right now. Flair throws off his jacket and rips off his bandages. Blood gushes freely. Flair babbles about having Hogan and Abyss right where he wanted them, this is real, AJ's the champ, and Flair is the boss, he hates Jeff HArdy, and something else that makes no sense. Cue Jeff Hardy's music! Face paint and all. AJ yells at Hardy, calling him a nobody who has done nothing in TNA. Flair orders Hardy to look AJ in the eye when he speaks to him. AJ says that he IS the spotlight, and that if Hardy wants to come into HIS house and put his hands on the champ, Hardy and AJ can mix it up tonight. Flair interrupts again, telling Hardy to go paint a picture in the back and get high sniffing paint and babbling some more. Hardy retorts that he'll be flying high, all right. On the backs of his Creatures of the Night! At that exact moment, the lights go out and Hardy's music plays as he screeches at Flair and AJ. Sure, it may be corny, but I really liked it. Much is made of Hardy's rabid fan base, the Creatures of the Night. Hey, it's fun and it'll work for him.
To the office! Eric Bischoff and Mick Foley argue briefly. Bischoff will clean up Foley in the ring tonight and make him the corporate executive that he needs to be. Or something.
A video package pimps the upcoming "Destination X" ppv. About time.
To the beatdown! Earlier today, the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart beat down Jesse Neal and put him through a table. Yes, really.
To the ring! The grossly out-of-shape Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart gloat over their doings, and claim that the six-man tag is now a handicapped match.
The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart vs. Team 3D and ???: Team 3D enters with a table and a mic. Brother Ray announces that they have a partner. It's Brother Runt!!! He'll always be Little Spike Dudley to me. Jeebus, the Nasty Boys look gassed going up the ramp and back to the ring. Don't expect a play-by-play here. Sags and Brother Devon start. Runt tags in and headbutts both Nastys in the gut. Without getting stuck. Runt gets his head shoved into the armpits of the Nastys. Runt gets double-teamed by the Nastys, then Jimmy Hart tags in. Hart tries to strap Runt, who tags in Ray. Hart tags in Knobs. Hart distracts the referee, allowing Knobs to hit Ray with a motorcycle helmet and get the win. Yes, you read that properly. The Nasty Boys beat Team 3D on a tv match. I need a drink. Or seven. Post-match, the Nastys and Hart set up a table and try to put Team 3D through it. Jesse Neal, bandaged ribs and all, runs down and tosses Hart from the ring, helping Team 3D to put Sags through a table.
Winners: the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart
To the back! Christy Hemme is with Angelina Love. Love issues a challenge to any member of The Beautiful People, especially Velvet Sky. She's the original, and they've been dodging her. It's time for HER to start cleansing TNA, one Beautiful Person at a time. Nice.
To the back! Jeremy Borash is with The Band. God, Scott Hall looks terrible. Kevin Nash and Eric Young show up. Nash offers Hall $25,000 if Hall can last five minutes in the ring with him. Hall accepts.
Mr. Anderson & Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Kurt Angle & "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero: Anderson and Wolfe enter together to Anderson's music. Angle and Pope enter to Angle's music, unfortunately. :( Pope still does the "raining money" bit, but an entrance as grand as Pope's should never be tinkered with. Pope clearly favors his injured leg. Angle and Wolfe start. Wolfe tries to tag in Anderson, but Anderson refuses to tag in and orders Wolfe to damage Angle further first. When Wolfe throws Angle into the corner, Anderson tags in. Anderson drives Angle into the corner and tags in Wolfe. Angle is completely cut off in the ring, but Pope is nearly crippled anyway. Angle fights out and throws Wolfe over in an explosive belly-to-belly suplex. Pope begs for the tag, and Angle tags him in. Pope backdrops Wolfe with great height, followed by rapid-fire elbows to the head. Anderson enters illegally. Pope fights off Anderson and covers Wolfe. Anderson breaks up the pin. Angle plants Wolfe with an Angle Slam. All four men fight in the ring. Wolfe attempts a Figure Four on Pope's injured leg, but Pope rolls up Wolfe for the win! Post-match, Wolfe takes out the injured leg, and fights Pope up the ramp. In the ring, Angle and Anderson go. Anderson lays out Angle, then goes to the corner and takes the Warrior Medal. Anderson uses said medal to slice open Angle's head. The microphone falls into his hand as Angle's blood pours onto the mat. Anderson says that this is just a little sample of what will happen at Sunday's ppv. Massive blood loss from Angle.
Winners: Kurt Angle & "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero
To the back! The Beautiful People each in turn refuse to fight Angelina Love. Oh, what to do?
To the back! Jeff Hardy and RVD are in Hogan's office. This is going to be fun. He sends them on their way, knowing what's going on. Bischoff enters, asking about being left out of the "surprises" of RVD and Jeff Hardy. HH says that he knew that Bischoff was busy and had his hands full, so HH took care of it. A big deal is made of the two agreeing with each other, but tension is clear.
Angelina Love vs. ???: Love called out TBP, and all three come out to the ramp. Velvet Sky takes the mic and announces that, for one night only, Love's opponent will be an honorary Beautiful People - Daffney!!! Yes! Everybody's favorite Gothic Goddess rolls out from under the ring and attacks Love. Daffney pulls a toolbox from beneath the ring and selects a hammer. Daffney doesn't get to use it, as TBP grab Love's feet and pull her down. All four jump her and Daffney swings Love headfirst into the side of the ramp. Daffney is sent to fetch the Ugly Stick. Tara jumps the ramp and cleans house, with a Widow's Peak for Madison Rayne. Tara and Daffney stare down. Apparently, it's Tara and Daffney for the Knockouts title at Sunday's ppv. Um, why the hell wasn't this mentioned before??? This could be fantastic, and I'd definitely want to buy the ppv because this match is on it. Jeebus!
Winner (by DQ): Angelina Love
To the ring! Hogan has a huge entrance, then shouts "Cut that damn music!" HH babbles and talks about New Jack a lot. Sort of. HH can't get the image of Abyss screeching, "Why, Sting? Why?" out of his head. HH orders Sting to bring his ass to the ring now. Why would he do it? Was Sting mad about not making enough money, or getting enough spotlight? Come down here, coward, you're scared to death to face me! Um, pot, I'd like you to meet my friend, kettle black. Sting descends from the catwalk above, using the stairs this time, and walks to the ring with his baseball bat. Massive chants of "Hogan!" as the audience has been instructed to do. HH continues to shout nonsense. Fortunately, the whole thing is cut short by RVD's attack on Sting. RVD throws Sting into the rail and the corner post, followed up with lots of punches. HH loves it. Sting goes for his bat, but RVD keeps up the beatdown. RVD tosses HH the bat, then rolls Sting into the ring to HH. As HH is about to lay into Sting with his own bat, Bischoff runs down and stops it. Bischoff orders security to remove Sting, which they do. Bischoff says that they came to TNA to lead the company, not to wrestle again and fight the fights. HH promised his own daughter last week that he was done. Be done with it, Hulk! Be done with it! HH looks sad in the ring, but says nothing. Tenay doesn't think that Bischoff should have called out HH in such a public manner.
To the back! Hernandez tells Jeff Jarrett that what happened last week with Beer Money was bs. Hernandez offers to team with Jarrett if he needs it. Bischoff comes in in time to hear it, and puts Hernandez in a handicapped match against Beer Money, with Jeff Jarrett as referee. If Jarrett screws this up, the only way he'll ever be in a ring again is if he's setting one up.
Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall: This is a $25,000 Challenge. If Scott Hall can last five minutes in the ring against Nash, Hall gets the cash. Hall throws his toothpick at Nash. Nash lays into Hall with elbows and punches. Hall fights back with punches, and works over Nash's arm. Nash flattens Hall with a clothesline. Nash sets Hall up in th ecorner, and lays in the knees to the midsection. A countdown clock here would have been nice, people. Taz says that he plans to try to use the word "vintage" as often as possible on Monday nights. Stay classy, Taz. Syxx-pac rushes the ring and sweeps Nash's leg before handcuffing him to the corner. The beatdown ensues. Eric Young runs down and goes after Syxx-pac. Young does well, but the numbers game is too much. The beatdown ensues. Scott Hall and Syxx-pac take the cash and leave.
Winner: Scott Hall (and anyone who did not watch this match)
To the back! JB is with Beer Money, who call him "Seacrest," and tell him to shut up. Robert Roode says that ever since HH and Bischoff walked in, Beer Money has been shoved aside. James Storm says that they're tired of being nice guys and finishing last, tired of catering to the stupid fans. It's all about Beer Money now, making cash and getting trashed.
Beer Money vs. Hernandez: This is a two-on-one handicapped match, with Jeff Jarrett as the referee. Um, Hernandez is from San Antonio, not Houston. Really. His belt looks like a real belt. Cool. Beer Money jump Hernandez as he enters the ring. Matt Morgan walks down the ramp, coming to sit at the announce table rather than heading to ringside. Morgan takes Hernandez to task for "going into business for himself" and getting involved in another tag team match with another tag team partner that wasn't Morgan. Beer Money double-teams Hernandez and mock Jarrett during Morgan's commentary. Hernandez fights back with some impressive moves against Beer Money, but gets planted with the DWI. Jarrett reluctantly counts to three. Beer Money force Jarrett to raise their hands in victory. Beer Money sees that Matt Morgan has left, and beat down both Hernandez and Jarrett. Post-match, Jarrett rips off his referee shirt and punches James Storm. Hernandez recovers enough to take out both members of Beer Money.
Winners: Beer Money
To the back! Bischoff has clippers and looks smug. Will he shave Foley's head in the ring? Does anyone really care?
To the ring! A barber's chair has been set up in the ring, and Bischoff has clippers. Bischoff announces that next week, Jeff Jarrett's ass is his. Um, ok. Bischoff orders Mick Foley to the ring. Foley shoves Mr. Socko down Bischoff's throat and lays him out. Foley then shaves Bischoff's head, laughing as he does so. Somebody remind me why this is relevent or interesting or necessary. Foley wakes up Bischoff and shows him his reflection. Bischoff attacks Foley. Foley leaves up the ramp, stroking his own hair as he does so.
To the recap of the attempted and actual head shavings! Because we didn't see it the last time.
To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Shannon Moore. Moore represents the brewed, the screwed, and the tattooed, and he has promised all of his freaks that he will win the X-Division title.
To the ring! Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes! It's the music of the MCMG, and the future Mr. Bulloch has the mic! Chris Sabin says that this Sunday will be the start of the rise of the Machine Guns! Damn, he's intense this time! What has Generation Me ever done to deserve this spot? Who have they ever beaten? Gen Me comes out. Who have they beaten? The two of them, actually. Alex Shelley says that it was just luck. Gen Me is good, but not great. The MCMG are great. They are the X-Box to Gen Me's Atari. They are the station wagons to the MCMG's Ferraris. Speaking of luck, we could talk about the night that the MCMGs spent with Gen Me's girlfriends. Shelley gets slapped, and all four guys scrap. Brian Kendrick runs down, followed by Amazing Red. Daniels runs down. Kazarian runs down with a ladder and throws it into the ring. Gen Me sets up the ladder in the ring for Red, with Kazarian directing traffic. Red jumps off with a huge flip dive onto Daniels, the Guns, and Kendrick. So wait, the Guns are heels now? Again? Gen Me, Kazarian, and Red pose in the ring on the ladder. I'm so getting the ppv now.
To the back! JB interviews Abyss. For the first time in his life, someone is jealous of him, and wants what he has. Abyss screams in a rather accurate Hogan impression, but still comes off as the "special" child rather than the monster. Ah, well. At least he has a power ring.
AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy: This is a non-title match. Abyss, the special enforcer, enters first. AJ enters next, with Ric Flair in tow. The World Champ should always enter last. Jeff Hardy enters, the same way that he always does. Look, say what you will, but Jeff Hardy's entrance is always fun, and he gets a crowd reaction like few others. Shame he doesn't want to quit the drugs, but as a wrestling fan, I really like the guy. Back from commercial break, AJ lays into Hardy with elbows to the back. I just want to sit back and watch this one. AJ throws HArdy to the floor, right in front of Flair. Flair goes to attack Hardy, but Abyss steps up and stops him. Flair throws his jacket at Abyss, but backs off. AJ teases the Fozberry Flop, but stops and laughs at everyone. AJ drops Hardy with a dropkick. AJ grabs Hardy by the leg and works over the knee. Dueling chants of "Let's go, AJ!" and "Let's go, Hardy!" Hardy throws AJ over the rope onto the ramp. AJ chokes Hardy on the ropes, and grounds him with a rear chinlock. Hardy fights out with hits to the gut. Forearms from Hardy followed by a front suplex and two boots to the chest. Hardy gets a two-count. AJ hits a brainbuster on Hardy, but only gets a two-count. AJ takes over, and Hardy fights back with a Whisper in the Wind for a two-count. Jeff's Twist of Fate is countered with a Pele Kick. Nice! AJ hits a huge springboard onto both Hardy and referee Slick Johnson. AJ gets a steel chair. Abyss wags his finger and stops it. AJ misses a springboard 450 splash. Hardy hits a Twist of Fate. Hardy nails a perfect Swanton Bomb on AJ for the three-count. Post-match, Flair hits Hardy and Abyss with a steel chair. Abyss "Hulks up" with each chair shot as Flair drives him up the ramp with repeated chair shots. Abyss points the finger at Flair and choke slams him THROUGH the ramp! OMG! The visual here was really impressive. AJ clutches his title belt and looks on in horror from the ring.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Final Thoughts: I'll be watching this ppv. Tara versus Daffney for the Knockouts title could be great, and they're certainly two of the most talented actual wrestlers left in the Knockouts division. I just loves me some Daffney, and am happy to see her in a match of significance. Heel Beer Money > Face Beer Money, and I absolutely see them winning the tag titles from a fractured Matt Morgan and Hernandez. Shannon Moore getting an X-Division title shot against Doug Williams doesn't do much for me, but it was rather out of nowhere. I don't see AJ losing to Abyss. The ladder match between Daniels, Kazarian, Amazing Red, and Brian Kendrick should me awesome. The Ultimate X match for the #1 Contenders to the Tag Team titles between the MCMG and Generation Me is worth getting the show by itself. Let's ignore the fact that Samoa Joe is totally MIA and that the entire show is still really about Hogan, Bischoff, Sting, Flair, and Foley. Let's forget that almost nothing associated with the X-Division or the Ultimate X match has been given any tv time for any sort of story or character development. On paper, there's some good stuff here. The question is, given the content of the tv shows, will any of that matter?
Peace out,
Jana