Yep, that’s right.   Serg Salinas, Mr. Dixie himself, sang the vocals for Beer Money’s theme song, which they’ve been using since last fall, when the last TNA Music CD came out.   So, perhaps now you can see why Serg being on TV isn’t such a stretch for me, because, sadly, I’m a big enough nerd to have known Serg sang the Beer Money theme.   And now, so are you!   Aren’t you glad you read This Week in TNA?

So, what else has been going on in TNA this week?   Hmmmm…..

Well, I learned that you can’t take much stock in the TV taping Spoilers.   See, when it comes to the videos I make for this column, I try to do them during the week, before Impact airs, and go off of the Spoilers that you can find online to try and get a jump on everything so I’m not trying to put everything together over two days before my deadline.   Turns out, two of the matches that took place at the taping for this week’s Impact never made air, nor did any of the matches appear in the order they were taped.   What DIDN’T you see on Thursday’s Impact?  

-           Desmond Wolfe defeating Stevie Richards in singles action.

-           The end of the Beautiful People’s brawl with Maddie and the Biker, which turned into a non-title match between Angelina and Maddie, which Angie won.

As you will sadly see in the Impact review this week, Kevin Nash’s match with Jeff Jarrett, which all about SUCKED, made air.   Also, the MCMG’s match with GenMe was first on the show, while the Dixie/Flair confrontation didn’t happen until halfway through the show, right after the Joe/OJ match and the Jarrett/Nash match.   So, because of all this, I had to go and redo the video for this week’s quick results at the last minute, and now I’m just hoping I didn’t screw anything up with it.

Meanwhile, in TNA News that might almost matter, it’s been reported that TNA went about its latest wave of drug testing at the last set of TV tapings.   Also, in a completely unrelated story, a series of TNA regulars were not brought in for the last set of tapings, including Hernandez, Lacey Von Erich, the current Knockouts Tag Team Champions Taylor Wilde and Hamada, Sarita, and, coincidentally enough, Rob Terry.

Also not appearing at the last set of tapings was ECW Original, The Sandman, who, despite being a major player in the top angle running on TV, no-showed, with reports claiming that TNA is more or less done with him as a result.   Between Sandman no-showing, Axl Rotten coming to the Hardcore Justice PPV in the infamous “no condition to perform”, and the impending departure of Team 3D from the company, you have to wonder why the hell TNA is bothering with this EV2.0 crap at all…

Oh, yeah.   I forgot to mention – Team 3D’s contracts just expired this week.   Once again, members of a major faction in the top storyline on TV, and their contracts expire.   There are some rumblings about WWE showing an interest in bringing them back in order to market a Dudley Boys DVD set, but the interest isn’t very high, as they still feel the Dudleys ran their course in WWE 5 years ago, and that whole “youth movement” thing they’re running with.

Former WWE Diva and SHIMMER standout Katie Lea Burchill (most recently working under the name “Kat La Noir” independently) received a try-out match at the last TV taping, losing in a dark match to Madison Rayne.   From all reliable reports, Katie definitely brought the A-Game, leaving many to wonder why TNA didn’t offer her a job on the spot.   My thoughts?   If TNA’s finances are as bad as Shane Douglas was saying in his most recent ClubWWI interview, they’re already tapped out after bringing in the FBI, Rob Eckos and Becky Bayless.

Also new to the payroll?   Christina Von Eerie, apparently, as she too took part in a try-out of sorts, teaming with Shannon Moore in a dark match against Cookie (Bayless) and Okada at the last set of TV tapings.   Von Eerie, for those who don’t know, is currently one half of the AAA World Mixed Tag Team Champions, along with Alex Koslov, as well as having made appearances for PWG, PCW, and ChickFight in recent years.   The plan, from what I gather, is to align her with Moore and Jesse Neal as the third member of Ink Inc.   From the looks of her, I’d think they’d be a good fit –

She looks like she could be in The Distillers or something…

You remember how, last week, I was telling you that the reason RVD’s been taken off of television and stripped of the title was because he was “out of dates”?   Slight correction there – he actually has 75 for the year total, and TNA had already burned through 60 of them, leaving 15 dates with four months left to go in 2010.   To make matters worse, should TNA have kept him around and chosen to pay the per-appearance fee under his agreement, TNA would be shelling out something in the ballpark of $10,000 per show!   So, instead of using a few of his last dates to, once again, have him drop the title on TV or PPV, perhaps, even limiting his appearances so they could go ahead with him and Angle at Bound For Glory (which was the original plan), THEN write him off TV and bring him back next year, they decide to run an off-camera assault with a deadly weapon angle on Rob, and hold his title up in a convoluted tournament stretching out over two months consisting of nothing but babyfaces going forward.   And people wonder why fans are angry with TNA…

Meanwhile, TNA’s already burned through all of Ric Flair’s dates for the year.   Why is he still on TV, considering how TNA is SEVERELY strapped for cash (once again, according to what Terry Taylor told Shane Douglas when he was contacted about Hardcore Justice, all of which Shane discusses in his ClubWWI interview), and that Flair’s per-appearance fee has got to be rather pricey, considering how RVD’s is rumored to be around 10 grand, I don’t know.   You’d THINK TNA would just rapidly write HIM off of TV, too, right?   Nope.   Flair’s in a major angle, so they’re going to keep him around.   Meanwhile, your WORLD CHAMPION gets written off of TV via an off-camera beatdown with a deadly weapon.   It’s called “consistency” TNA.   Try it, sometime!

Speaking of consistency, or lack thereof, it seems that TNA is now flat-put ignoring the Top 10 Heavyweight Rankings now, altogether.   All mention of it has been removed from its main page, no new fan voting poll has been set up for the next month, and, obviously, TNA’s not saying anything about it on TV.   Why is this a big deal?   Because TNA made this a big deal months ago when they introduced the system in the first place!   They even made a selling point out of the fact that the fans had a say in the rankings, allowing us to vote on who we felt deserved a shot at the World Title.   The Rankings were supposed to be one of the major changes that would permanently affect TNA, one of the benchmarks of the Hogan/Bischoff Era, and two months later, they quietly sweep it under the rug as if it never happened.   Seriously?   What the hell?  By removing the system, and flat out ignoring it now, TNA’s telling the fanbase that the Top 10 was nothing more than a plot device to push Kurt Angle (as if he needed it), and that our input meant jack sh*t!   Of course, you could have gleamed the latter from the fact that Abyss, the guy who ranked DEAD LAST in every single fan vote, somehow made his way into the top spot not once, but TWICE since the system was first put in place.

I don’t know, maybe this is just me, but if you’re going to put a ranking system in place, which I honestly feel is a good thing, which helps not only justify who gets title matches without the hokey, unrealistic [Insert Authority Figure Here] puts Wrestler A and Wrestler B in a match and the winner gets a title shot for some reason, but adds some outright legitimacy to wins, losses, and the entire pursuit of championships in general.   You know, like in Real Sports.   Was the system flawed?   Sure.   The fan voting thing was most likely to guarantee that you’d never get a heel in the top spot without exposing the fan vote as pure BS, no matter how dominate said heel has been as of late.   And you certainly can’t have a heel champion ALL the time.   So, yes, there were flaws, but it was something TNA could have worked on, and fixed.   Instead, they just ignore it, and try to pretend it never happened.   Why in the hell should I, the TNA fan, invest in ANYTHING you do if, at any given moment, you’re just going to sweep it under the rung and ignore it the moment it stops working for you?   Do you not see how this is all BAD for your business?   Seriously!   You can’t just start something, then stop it, then ignore it and hide it the moment something goes wrong, especially when you’re expecting your fans not only to buy into the idea, but to participate in it!   Do you not see how doing stuff like this just drives your fans further and further away?

Okay, enough of that rant.   Let’s get to the real reason you’re here – the Impact Review!   But first…

This Week in Impact

We begin our show, where else?   Backstage!   Here, we find Eric Bischoff (wisely) trying to talk Dixie Carter out of becoming a regular on-air character in TNA (something our own James Guttman predicted would be the “First Horseman of the Apocalypse” for TNA about this time last year on ClubWWI.com).   Dixie, of course, doesn’t buy it, and decides, “To Hell with TNA!   I’m the star!” and walks off to, once again, call herself a liar by doing the ONE THING she claimed, for YEARS, that she’d never do – appear on TV as a regularly-recurring on-air personality.   So, out to the ring she goes, and I’m amazed the Impact Zone doesn’t react to this blatant hypocrisy of hers by throwing everything that isn’t bolted down at her.   Then again, this is the same crowd who, just earlier this year, consisted of people who held signs that said “Hall Rules”…

Dixie then goes on to give the same excat speech she almost always gives about TNA going through good times and bad, and how its overcome and blah, blah, blah.   Stronger in the hard times and crap, trying to claim TNA is a family and all that fun BS.   And, of course, that line of “the critics only gave us 8 weeks, but we lasted 8 years”.   Seriously, Dixie, I’ve heard this speech of yours in EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF.   Please, for the love of God, try some new material!   Once we get through the BS, Dixie then calls out Ric Flair.   Flair comes out and looks over Dixie, then proceeds to ask her if she wants to go back to his hotel room and “ride Space Mountain”, if you will.   Dixie more or less laughs of Ric’s advances, then goes on to talk about how excited she was to have “the Natch” on roster and helping out.   By the way, she actually does say “Natch”.   What’s sad is, when she says it, it’s like some dumbsh*t fan who says it, thinking it makes them sound ‘smart’ when all it does is make it even more obvious that they’re just a stupid f*cking mark.   Dixie then proceeds to suspend Ric Flair for 90 Days without pay.   Upon this, Fortune comes out, dressed to the nines and then some, and surround Dixie.   Flair talks up Fortune, putting them over as some of the best in the world.   Dixie and Flair argue a bit more, and Flair turns up the heat, taking off his jacket.   Then, suddenly, some guy comes running into the ring, and Fortune pounces on him.   At first, it looks like a crazed fan trying to run in, but then Taz tells us that this is, in fact, Serg Salinas, Dixie Carter’s Husband.   Just as Flair is about to whip Serg with his belt, Hulk Hogan comes out backed up by Hardy, Pope, Angle, and Mr. Anderson.   Hogan talks to Flair as Angle, Hardy, et al, help Dixie and Serg to the back.   In the meantime, Hogan punks out Dixie’s authority, un-suspending Flair, then makes a match for later tonight between Angle, Hardy, Pope and Anderson against AJ, Matt Morgan, Doug Williams, and Kazarian.   As Fortune walks off, EV2.0 comes out and attacks Fortune as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, we get a ReAction-style backstage promo from Angle, Hardy, Pope, and Anderson, talking up the World Title, their semifinal matches at No Surrender in the tournament for said title, and the match later tonight with Fortune.   Outside of the bad camera angles, the occasional lack of focus, and the poor location/lighting, the promo itself not only made sense, but was actually condusive to the show in general.   Now, why on earth can’t TNA do this without the ‘documentary-style’ BS which only makes them look stupid and amateurish?   This is NOT a Reality TV show or a documentary.   It’s a Sports-Drama filmed on the same television soundstage they used to film Nickelodeon’s GUTS and TNN (now Spike TV)’s RollerJam!   You’re not convicing ANYONE that you’re edgy or cool using methods that STOPPED being edgy and cool FIVE YEARS AGO!!!

Seriously, test your nerd powers against the almighty MJ, sometime.   You’ll lose, every time.

So, apparently, the first match on Impact this week is Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe, and DEAR GOD I wish it weren’t.   I know OJ’s a friend of the site.   I know he’s hosted a show on ClubWWI.com.   But this gimmick he’s running right now is just very, very uncomfortable to watch.   Every time I see him on TV anymore, I’m absolutely horrified by what it is I’m watching.   Every.   Single.   Time.   This week, he’s coming down to the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure on a string around his neck.   He comes down the ramp, and starts rubbing Toy Joe all over himself.   He then begins to molest So Cal Val with the doll as well until Joe finally makes his entrance.   Fortunately, the match is short, as Joe flat out destroys OJ and picks up the win with a Muscle Buster.   After the match, Jeff Jarrett makes his way down to the ring to talk to Joe.   Jeff puts over Joe a bit, then asks Joe to back him up in his match against Kevin Nash tonight, to make sure Sting doesn’t get involved.   Joe tells Jeff that he doesn’t take sides and walks off, which surprisingly gets a HUGE reaction from the Impact Zone.   Perhaps, and this is just me, but perhaps the fans are trying to tell TNA that this angle with Jeff and Nash S-U-C-K-S!!!

As Joe walks off, out comes Nash, and apparently, they Jarrett/Nash match starts now, and we’re forced to sit through yet another one of the slowest, most-poorly choreographed fight scenes in the history of television.   Not quite as bad as the one Nash and Hogan had last week, as Jeff can actually still go when needed, but, basically, this match sucks the big one, and the people involved in making this happen ought to be embarrassed that it ever made TV.   Well, everyone but Jeff, as, once again, he seems to be the only good thing about this otherwise piss-poor showing that, once again, never should have been allowed to make air.   Jeff tries to put Nash to sleep, ref takes a bump, Jarrett nails the Stroke, and here comes Sting in the Wolfpac makeup this week, nailing Jeff with the bat and rolling Nash onto Jeff.   Ref wakes up just long enough to make the pin, and Sting comes back into the ring to do more damage to Jeff.   Bischoff comes out, talks smack about Sting, and Sting says, “I want Hogan.”   Bisch laughs it off, and talks a bunch of crap, for what seems like 50 years.   Eventually, Hogan drags his 900 year-old dead ass into the ring and attacks Sting with one of the weakest chairshots I’ve ever seen.   And, of course, 700 year-old Sting sells it like he just got shot in the back with a cannon.

We then go to a ReAction-style promo with Hogan and Dreamer in the locker room.   The camera looks like it was left in someone’s gym bag or something, shooting everything at an angle, and you’re only able to see Hogan and Dreamer through a crack in a door or something.   The reason I keep bringing this up is because it’s totally distracting, and it makes you feel like you’re watching some f*cked-up hidden camera show or a voyeur porno site.   So, of course, Hogan’s asking Dreamer to make sure EV2.0 doesn’t get involved in the Main Event tonight because “his guys can handle it” or whatever.   Hogan then puts a hit out on a Abyss.   Literally.   He tells Tommy to take Abyss O-U-T.   You almost expect Hogan to have Tommy kiss a ring or something afterwards.   Really creepy, especially for a guy I’m supposed to be cheering…

Our next match, Beer Money vs. the FBI, is basically three to five minutes of Beer Money treating Guido and Tony Luke like two local job boys the WWE would feed to, say, Sheamus, in his first 6 months in WWE.   In fact, that’s pretty much what this match was – a Sheamus match circa last fall.   Sheamus walks in, beats the hell out of some small guy, hits all his spots, nails his finish, and goes to the back.   That’s pretty much what Beer Money did here.   Beer Money wins with the DWI on Tony Luke, the smashes a beer bottle over Guido’s head before Storm nails Luke with a Last Call, just for the hell of it.   Then, a DWI on Guido, just in case we didn’t already get the point four finishers ago…

The ORIGINAL Beautiful People come out.   Yes, Angelina and Velvet, together again.   I TOLD YOU this would happen, likely in time for Bound For Glory, and viola, just in time to build towards Bound For Glory.   They talk up regret and making up for past mistakes, then transition into the Frankenstein’s Monster they created in Madison Rayne.   Angie and Velvet hug and make-up, just in time to be interrupted by the Queen Bitch herself, Madison Rayne, and the Mysterious Biker Chick (who can’t POSSIBLY be Tara *wink*).   Madison then threatens to sue Angie and Velvet for coming out to “her” ring music and calling themselves The Beautiful People, the proceeds to talk all the smack she can before Velvet pounces on her, and the four go into a pull-apart brawl.

By the way – MAJOR KUDOS to Madison Rayne for the acting job she’s doing here.   She’s gone and FAR BEYOND proved anyone who didn’t think she had what it took to be THE Heel in the KO division (including me), and just dominated it.

We then come to a standard-ish style promo with the MCMG, playing Green Day: Rock Band and talking up their match with Generation Me up next.   We then go to Magnus and Wolfe shopping for clothes at the mall.   Desmond spends the entire segment acting like a total dick to Chelsea (and you’ll see why that’s important during the Xplosion review, later on).   Also important to know, Magnus shows off a credit card with no limit, and Chelsea, FINALLY showing SOME characterization and acting ability (albeit not much), takes the card and peruses it, then looks over Magnus (and you’ll know why that, too, is important to note once we get to the Xplosion review), before walking off with the card as Des and Mags go off to the store.

Up next, Generation Me vs. the Motor City Machine Guns, which, sadly, was non-title.   The Guns pick up the win after a top notch showing by both teams by nailing Jeremy Buck with the Skull and Bones for the pin.   The Guns shake GenMe’s hands afterwards.

Ric Flair cuts a promo, then gets accosted by Sting and Nash, who tells Ric that once they get rid of the “Big Problem”, the Wolfpac is coming for them.   We then get a video hyping the debut of something called “Shore”, which, from the looks of it, is going to end up being Rob Eckos and Becky Bayless playing their Jersey Shore-inspired Robbie G and Cookie gimmicks.   Why TNA couldn’t go with a better name than just plain “Shore”, God knows…

Taz and Tenay then run down the No Surrender card for September 5 (so far) –

-           AJ Styles vs. Tommy Dreamer in an “I Quit” match

-           Wolfe and Magnus vs. the Motor City Machine Guns for the TNA World Tag Team Titles (because EVERYONE watches Xplosion and knows Wolfe and Magnus are the #1 Contenders, after all *note sarcasm*)

-           Mr. Anderson vs. Pope D’Angelo Dinero in the Semifinals of the TNA World Title Tournament

-           Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy in the Semifinals of the TNA World Title Tournament

We then jump to a backstage brawl between Stevie Richards and Abyss, where Abyss dominates.   Then Rhino comes down to the ring and challenges Abyss to come to the ring, so out comes Abyss, and they brawl around ringside for a while.   They fight over to the Spanish Announcer’s Table, and Rhino nails Abyss with a Gore.

We then go to a backstage promo with AJ and Fortune, where AJ cuts perhaps the single best heel promo he may have ever cut.   This is followed by our Main Event of the evening, Fortune vs. Angle et al.   A few things to note – first, I’ve been spelling Fortune wrong.   It’s apparently supposed to be FOURtune.   And they have a new logo that looks like someone took a crap on the Fantastic Four’s logo.   Meanwhile, there are SIX people in FOURtune, SEVEN if you count Flair.

So, the Main Event – FOURtune (AJ, Kazarian, Morgan, and Williams) vs. Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, and The Pope, who will be referred to from here as “Angle et al”, as I don’t feel the need to keep typing all four of their names over and over.   After everyone hits their finishers, Angle nails an Angle slam on Kaz as Pope tags himself in.   Pope picks up the scraps to get the win for Angle et al, though, which pisses Kurt off.   As Kurt and Popr jack jaw, Beer Money runs down, and all of FOURtune takes out Angle et al.   Then EV2.0 runs in to attack FOURtune as our show comes to a close.

This Week in Xplosion

Xplosion starts off as it usually does, with interviews from tonight’s competitors.   First up, Christy Hemme interviews Magnus and Chelsea.   Magnus talks up how he and Desomnd Wolfe defeated Ink Inc. two weeks ago on Xplosion to become the #1 Contenders to the Tag Team Titles, and how he and Des were going to deal with Ink Inc.’s issue with them tonight in singles competiton.   What may be important to note is the difference in the relationship between Desmond and Chelsea, and Magnus and Chelsea.   Of course, how anyone’s supposed to figure this out, thanks to the fact that Chelsea’s such a sh*t actress who can’t even seem to pull off a proper facial expression to save her life, I don’t know.   See, Desmond Wolfe is a dick to Chelsea, and has been since… I don’t know… March or something.   Anyway, while Des is treating her like trash, Magnus is, like, totally complimenting her and stuff.   Yep, they’re already sowing the seeds of a Magnus/Wolfe breakup, less than after they first came together as a team.   Ink Inc. then vows revenge on Magnus and Wolfe for robbing them of the chance to face the Motor City Machine Guns for the Tag Team Titles.

Our first match of the night gives us Jesse Neal’s best singles match to date in TNA in a losing effort to Desmond Wolfe.   Wolfe spends the majority of the match dissecting Neal’s arm.   Wolfe drags Chelsea into the ring at one point and pushes her into Neal to distract him, setting up for the Lariat, but Neal ducks it, gets a rollup on Wolfe, and Wolfe tosses him out of the ring as he kicks out at 2.   Neal helps Chelsea to the floor as he gets back into the ring, distracting him just long enough for Wolde to set him up for the Tower of London for the win.

Our show closes out with Magnus vs. Shannon Moore.   Chelsea accompanies Magnus to the ring, as well, as JB explains that Desmond is “lending out” Chelsea, so to speak, to his partner.   Once again, sowing the seeds of the split, before the team’s even debuted on the A-Show…   JB now also explain Magnus’ new gimmick, as well.   Turns out, Magnus is a Love Guru.   Once again, the seeds of the Wolfe/Magnus split, damn near a sprout, in the time it takes me to type this sentence…   Also, to note, Taz actually calls Chelsea out on her sh*t acting, as well (albeit subtly), asking if she ever smiles for anyone.   Well, see, Taz, if she did that, then she’d be conveying an emotion, which, as months and months of television time wasted on her has proven, she’s not capable of on camera.   AT ALL.

The match mercifully comes to an end twelve years later when Shannon Moore nails a diving Mooregasm on Magnus for the win.   Desmond Wolfe then runs in and attacks Moore, and Wolfe and Magnus nail their Sidewalk Slam/Yakuza Kick combo on Moore.   Jesse Neal runs in, but Magnus and Wolfe take him apart as well as our show comes to a close.   Oh, and they make damn sure to have several close-up shots of Chelsea looking clueless (you know, when she should be looking smug, or happy, or conniving, or something OTHER than a blank stare) as Wolfe and Magnus celebrate their victory.

Finally, this week, we debut a BRAND NEW FEATURE here on This Week in TNA, highlighting some of the greatest moments in TNA History.   Yes, Virginia, TNA hasn’t always completely sucked ass.   There were times where TNA actually had some good wrestling that made you glad you tuned in, or bought the Pay Per Views.   This week, instead of placing the Spotlight on one of the stars of TNA Wrestling, we place the spotlight on what many have called the Greatest Match in TNA History.

TNA’s Greatest Moments:
Unbreakable 2005 – Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe for the X-Division Championship

In the days when TNA was desperate to cater to what few viewers they had left after walking away from their Fox Sports Net contract in hopes of gaining a better TV deal on a larger network, Head Booker Scott D'Amore decided to focus on TNA's strengths rather than star power, hiring hot young (and relatively cheap) talent from the Indies, including a dominant up-and-comer named Samoa Joe, who would go from here to dominate the X-Division in 2006. Paired up with the two hottest attractions in TNA, the current X-Champion Christopher Daniels and the Phenomenal AJ Styles, these three stole the show at the Unbreakable PPV in 2005, earning a rare 5-Star Match Rating from Dave Meltzer, with a match that has gone down in history as one of the most talked about and praised matches in the past two decades.

That, in a nutshell, was the Week in TNA.   Now come on back here next week, as we got ourselves a Pay Per View to preview, M’kay?

*****
Mike Johns, imbued with special, shameless self-promotional powers the likes of which haven't been seen since the height of DX's self-fellatious babyface run in 2006, is a contributor to WorldWrestlingInsanity.com and ClubWWI.com, single-handedly responsible for WWI’s coverage of All Things TNA.   In what spare time he has left, Mike plays drums for a yet-to-be-named band in the Northeast Ohio area.   He also produces and records original music under the name 'SaviorSelf.07.05.98' as well as remixes and mash-ups of far more popular songs under the name 'TMJ'.

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