This Week in TNA: TNA's Thanksgiving Thong Thunder Thoroughly Thrashes My Thinking
By Mike Johns Nov 27, 2011 - 7:52 AM
Last week, we told you that Jesse Neal had supposedly been released by TNA after refusing to relocate to Louisville and train in Ohio Valley Wrestling, TNA's new developmental territory. Apparently, this is not the case. Neal has clarified in both a recent inteview, and on Twitter, that he was indeed asked to relocated, but refused because he simply could not afford to do so. He then went on to say that he is still with TNA, and is expecting to be at the next set of TV tapings.
Meanwhile, it looks like John Morrison's contract with WWE is set to expire in the next few days. Many are speculating that Morrison will likely be picked up by TNA, along with his girlfriend, Melina, who may or may not be the reason why Morrison is allowing his WWE contract to expire in the first place. Zack Ryder paid tribute to Morrison's departure by having him get blown up in a limo in the latest edition of the
Z! True Long Island Story, meaning that Morrison's one decent storyline in the past year has ended, and Zack Ryder's dad will now have to find a new midcarder to idolize instead of his son.
Then, there's the news that Women Superstars Uncensored, one of the top all-women's wrestling promotions running in the world today, will be inducting TNA President Dixie Carter into their Hall of Fame this coming March as a part of their 5th Year Anniversary Show. This news has been met with a fair share of questions and, in some cases, outright ridicule from both fans of WSU and the wrestling media in general. What makes this story even stranger is that, according to our own Matt Dawgs, who knows WSU Owner Sean McCaffrey personally, Sean HATES Dixie Carter. WSU has claimed on their Twitter that an invitation has been sent to Carter to appear at the Hall of Fame Ceremony, but no confirmation on whether or not Carter will, in fact, appear at WSU's 5th Anniversary Show.
Random Fan-Service Pic of the Week
Apparently, I'm now contractually obligated to post a picture of Gail Kim, your new Knockouts Champion, Tag Team Champion, Centerpiece of the Division, and the Only True Female Athlete in TNA today. Are you happy now, Karen Jarrett?
This Week in Impact Show me, "Kurt Angle gloats about how he beat up James Storm last week"!
Kurt Angle opens the show by, you guessed it, gloating about how he beat up James Storm last week. Kurt does so by complaining about how James accused him of attacking him from behind, but Kurt claims that he was just so awesome, James Storm didn't have a chance to see him kick his ass to his face. We also, for some strange reason, have instances of the word "ass" censored on this show, now.
James Storm comes out to whine back at Kurt Angle, threatening to put his boot up his... word that is strangely being censored on this show, now. Seriously, we're back to bleeping the word "ass" on Spike TV?
Anyway, they bitch at each other for a while, and then, Kurt Angle invites Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels and Jeff Jarrett down to the ring to attack James Storm 4 on 1. Storm then tries to take the fight to the heels, clocking Angle in the face. Then AJ Styles, RVD and Mr. Anderson run down to get them a piece of their respective rivals as Taz and Tenay let us know that tonight, TNA has an 8-Man Elimination Tag Match tonight featuring all the men in the ring right now.
For those about to say, "Hey, didn't WWE just have Survivor Series last Sunday, complete with an Elimination Tag Match?" please remember, TNA does not book these things by accident.
We then go to Eric Young and former Head Referee Rudy Charles, riding in a pedal cart with a Turkey Suit. They talk about how cool it'll look on Robbie E later tonight.
Yes, TNA booked a Turkey Costume Match for later tonight. You can click off this review any time you want, you lucky bastards!
The first match of the night sees Mexican America once again get their asses handed to them by Matt Morgan and Crimson. Anarquia eats a double chokeslam, which is apparently going to be the duo's tag team finish, I guess, and the big men retain the TNA Tag Team Titles.
In case you're here thinking, "Jeez, Mike, you think you could tell us more about this match?" I actually did. Morgan and Crimson threw the Fake Mexicans around a bit, Hernandez ate a Carbon Footprint, and Anaquia took the fall. This match was dreadful and I really would like to forget I ever saw it, thank you very much.
Eric Young and Rudy Charles run into the Jersey ET backstage. EY tells Robbie E that Sting is forcing Rob to wrestle EY in a Turkey Suit Match tonight, with the loser being forced to wear the Turkey Suit Rudy Charles is carrying around. E doesn't like this, and tries to sick Rob Terry on Rudy Charles, but EY tells E that if E doesn't go through with the match, Sting is going to strip him of the TV Title. The Jersey ET angrily walk off so E can get ready to wear a Turkey Suit, while EY admits to Rudy Charles and the viewers watching at home that Sting never actually said any of this. Yet, the match is still going to happen, anyway.
Seriously, the X is in the top right corner. Any time you want to check out of this show recap, feel free to do so. No one will blame you. Hell, I don't even want to be here, right now!
Up next, the series of segments that, honestly, make my brain hurt. Yes, even more so than the last segment with Eric Young and the Jersey ET. Karen Jarrett: Knockout Law, makes her way to the ring with Gail Kim, Madison Rayne, and Traci Brooks...
Once again, no one is going to blame you for clicking off of this review.
Karen Jarrett then takes a mic...
No, seriously, I'm fine with you leaving now. Save yourselves, please. The logic behind what you're about to see is going to make WSU inducing Dixie Carter into their Hall of Fame look brilliant in comparison.
... and proceeds to call out Angelina Love, Winter, Tara, Brooke Tessmacher, and Velvet Sky.
You're still here, aren't you? Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...
Karen Jarrett then goes on to lament the fact that despite her best efforts to clean up the Knockouts Division and make these tramps into presentable ladies, all she ever gets are demands from fans that the Knockouts show more skin. So, to appease these disgusting, shallow males that Karen hates and wants nothing to do with, yet, still feels obligated to please anyway, she's booked the Knockouts in a Lingerie Tag Match for later tonight. She then gets up in Tara's face, belittling how some in the division dare to think of themselves as actual athletes, before transitioning back to her beef with Velvet Sky, talking about how Vel is supposedly a stripper with no dignity and blah, blah, blah, blah.
In the meantime, Gail Kim is made out to be a saint. Karen even says that Gail is the only real athlete in the division. Meanwhile, Gail's tag team partner, Madison Rayne, is completely fine with Karen ignoring her entire existence, and even saying that Maddie is no better than all the other no-good tramps and whores that make up the Knockouts Division. Seriously, Karen outright says the only woman worth a damn in TNA is Gail Kim, and Maddie is completely fine with this. There's even a point where Maddie is nodding in agreement as Karen calls the other girls sluts, as if she were saying, "yep, I'm a slut, too."
We then go commercial, and return to the show backstage with Christy Hemme, talking with Velvet Sky, Tara and Brooke Tessmacher. Christy then asks the women how they feel about their upcoming lingerie match. Tara, of course, whines about how she thought she got away from all this nonsense when she broke her contract with WWE to come to TNA. Brooke Tessmacher then goes on to say, "yeah, I'm a model, but I came to TNA to be the best athlete I could be." No, seriously. Tess says this. We then get a bit of whining from Velvet Sky about Karen's Power Trip and her personal vendetta against Sky. Regardless of that, though, Vel says she's going to keep cool and deliver a good match in the ring.
We then join the TMZ camera guy as Mickie James storms into Gail Kim's locker room and demands she speak to Gail in private. Mick then goes on to lecture Gail about allowing this lingerie BS to happen, especially in light of all the things she's said recently. Now, you may think that TNA is having Mick mention all the tweets and interviews Gail did before showing back up on Impact, which she obviously is, but because Gail did briefly mention the sins of her former employer in her "Why I'm a Heel" speech a couple weeks ago, it'd be unfair of me, as a reviewer, to say that TNA is blatantly trying to appeal to a minority of the audience they claim to despise by mentioning something only they would know about. Because, after all, Gail did spend an entire sentence a couple weeks ago blasting WWE's use of Divas. Anyway, Mickie's yelling at Gail, telling her that she's a hypocrite for allowing Karen to book this lingerie match and doing nothing about it, and Gail responds by kicking Mickie's ass.
By the way, in case you're wondering, yes, the entire Knockouts Division, right now, is being booked in an angle to say "F*ck You" to WWE. Meanwhile, WWE couldn't possibly care less.
We then go to the match, which is now being called the Thanksgiving Thong Thunder Match, where not one of these women are actually wearing a thong. Well, they might be, actually, but they have it hidden under no less than three pairs of underwear over top of it. Seriously, take a look at Winter's bottom half and tell me she's not wearing at least three pairs of panties!
The funny thing about this match is that, despite being in lingerie, the women here are, for the most part, dressed almost the same as they'd usually be. Tessmacher's basically in her normal ring gear. Angelina and Winter are simply wrestling without pants. Tara's wearing about the same amount of clothes she normally wears as a "serious athlete". Meanwhile, Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne are actually wearing MORE clothes than usual.
So, anyway, the match. The teams pose off a bit, then finally get to the wrestling once the faces (Sky, Tara & Tessmacher) turn their backs on the heels (Rayne, Love, and Winter). Eventually, Velvet Sky picks up the win for her team, nailing the underhook X-Factor on Madison Rayne for the pin.
And now, the capper - after the match, Karen confronts the ladies backstage to bitch about, get this, the fact that the women were more covered up than usual for the lingerie match. Oh yes, folks. The fact that the women looked virtually no different in their lingerie than they would have in their normal ring gear was INTENTIONAL and PART OF THE DAMN STORYLINE. So, next week, Karen says she'll provide the outfits herself, then gets up in Velvet Sky's face to remind her that she's not champ anymore, while vowing to humiliate the Knockouts Division.
Stupid Question Time: Dixie Carter is in charge of TNA, again, in storylines, right? So, one, how come Karen Jarrett is still VP of the Knockouts? Two, why on earth is Dixie completely fine with the way Karen's talking about, treating, and otherwise running the division and the women within it? Because, see, if Dixie is in charge, and she supposedly is, and there just happens to be this abusive, power-mad woman degrading your employees and constantly talking bad about your women's division and its talent, you'd THINK that Dixie, a strong, independent woman and president of her own wrestling company would, I don't know... do something about Karen Jarrett? Instead, we have an angle where Dixie quietly puts her stamp of approval on Karen's derogation of the KO division by doing absolutely nothing to stop Karen whatsoever. This, by the way, is the woman WSU wants to "honor" by putting her in their Hall of Fame, a woman who in no way, shape, or form, approaches her show's writers to say, "hey, wouldn't I have a problem with the way Karen's treating my employees? Shouldn't we at least address this and set up some reason why I'm powerless to stop Karen from being such a power-mad psycho?"
Moving on... Jeff Hardy comes to the ring wearing his stupid mask again. Except, it's not Jeff Hardy, it's Jeff Jarrett, mocking Jeff Hardy. Jarrett then goes on to tell us, once again, every reason in the world why Jeff Hardy shouldn't be here, and why the people who continue to cheer him now are enablers, rewarding someone who's shown no outright effort to curb his additions, who's brother is facing God knows how long in prison now because of his equally-as-bad-if-not-worse addictions, for not doing one damn thing to show us, the fans, that he deserves this "One More Shot" he whines about in that God awful new theme of his! Jarrett then says that the people who cheer Hardy only do so because they're just as pathetic as Hardy is, raising kids who will one day grow up to be just as stupid and irresponsible as Jeff Hardy has been.
This then brings out the Posterboy himself, Jeff Hardy, to confront the man who is absolutely 100% right about him. Bully Ray and Christopher Daniels come to join Jarrett as they beat down Jeff Hardy 3 on 1. Anderson, AJ Styles, and RVD then run down to save a guy that no less than two of these men basically told to piss off when his "I refuse to go into Rehab" ass tried to come back in August, then Bobby Roode comes into the fray to help the heels. After this, there's now speculation that Jeff Hardy will not be able to compete in the Main Event, although, at least this time, Hardy's excuse won't be because he was too loaded to perform...
Eric Young faces Robbie E in a Turkey Suit Match. Because, even though no one officially made this match, and EY simply lied his way into making Robbie E think it was official, we're still getting this match. Long story short, Eric Young wins, and by the stipulations of the match, Robbie E must now don the Turkey Suit. Of course, this being TNA, it's not that simple. EY takes a mic post-match and says he's in a giving mood. E doesn't have to wear the suit. No, instead, Rob Terry must wear the Turkey Suit. Referee Rudy Charles, who, as far as I know, doesn't even officially work here anymore, then declares by the power invested to him by Sting (which, as a reminder, is absolutely none whatsoever), Terry must wear the suit, otherwise, Robbie E loses the TV Title. Terry is just barely able to get the 19-sizes too small Turkey Suit on as the Impact Zone chants "Turkey".
I hate you, Orlando. I hate you people so much, right now.
Main Event Time as Team Angle (Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels, Bully Ray and Jeff Jarrett) takes on Team Storm (AJ Styles, Mr. Anderson and Rob Van Dam) in an Elimination Tag Match. Jeff Hardy is apparently too hurt to compete, therefore, Team Angle gets the man advantage to start. The order of elimination is as follows -
Mr. Anderson, who gets pinned by Bobby Roode after Bully Ray knocks Anderson out with a Rock Bottom.
Bobby Roode, who gets himself disqualified after hitting AJ Styles with a low blow.
Rob Van Dan, who gets pinned by Christopher Daniels after being pushed off the top rope by Kurt Angle
*When AJ is forced to take on Team Angle 3 on 1, Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring and takes his place on Team Storm after all*
Christopher Daniels, who Jeff Hardy pins after a Twist of Fate
Jeff Jarrett, who Jeff Hardy pins with a small package
Bully Ray, who AJ Styles pins after a springboard forearm shot.
Team Storm picks up the win, thanks to the plot convenience that was Jeff Hardy. After the match, Bobby Roode takes out both men with the TNA World Title to close out the show.
Why on earth any of you made it this far in the review, I'll never know. Worse yet, people actually spent their Thanksgiving watching this instead of
Horton Hears A Who on NBC...
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