Previously on TNA…
TNA Against All Odds Pay-Per-View Recap
TNA News of the Week
-Vince Russo has quit TNA
-Dave Lagana is now TNA’s head writer
-Jesse Sorensen broke the C-1 vertebra on Sunday during a freak accident in his match. He is extremely lucky and has regained all feeling in his body. They expect over the next year that he’ll be up and healthy. The guy really lucked out and hopefully his recovery goes just as well.
TNA Impact in Review
We open Impact this week with a highlight video of the Bischoff/Gunnar/Bischoff/Hogan saga. This includes a long look at the entire PPV match outside of the final DDT. Following that we go to reactions and a quick video recap of the main event. Jeff doesn’t know what happened. One second he is about to win the match and the next Sting is hitting him with the world title. Roode looks out for number one. Roode had Sting in the palm of his hands. Hardy only wants one more match, but this time he wants it to be a no dq match.
Impact fully opens with Robert Roode making his way into the Impact Zone to get a few things off of his chest. My guess: “I’m the best. I told you all I’d do this. I’m selfish. Sting couldn’t stop me. Get bent Stinger. Anyone ride the Simpsons movie rollercoaster ride today?”
Robbie really couldn’t hear Christy thanks to all the people chanting “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!” on his way to the ring so he has Ms. Hemmy announce it one more time. That’s right Robert Roode beat three men this past Sunday and is still the World Heavyweight Champion. Sting, how sweet was it to raise the champ’s hand? Every single week you’ve tried to screw Roode and haven’t gotten the job done. Tonight, you need to point the blame at yourself and no one else. “The Selfish One” Robert Roode is your world champion and there is nothing you can do about it.
Except that at that exact moment @Sting is on his way to the ring (Don’t ask me, that is what his graphic says underneath his name. Maybe he isn’t “Sting” unless he has face paint). Stinger can admit that Robert did a great job of getting under Sting’s skin. Sting screwed Jeff. Tonight Jeff Hardy will get another world title match. HAHAHAHAHA! Tonight Jeff Hardy will get the match with no time limit, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And there will be no disqualification HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! One more thing, this match will open the show.
Jeff Hardy vs. Robert Roode in a No DQ match for the World Championship
Before Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring we see that Brandon Jacobs is sitting in the front row of the Impact Zone. I’m almost certain this is just a random thing and will no way come into play later tonight.
Jeff runs to the ring in creepy hot pink and goes straight on the offensive. After taking down Roode the Enigma drops some legs to the champs groin. Seconds later Jeff is diving from the ring onto Roode on the outside. The crowd is fully behind Hardy while Jeff busts a chair over Bobby’s back. In a random realization I didn’t consider, Tenay is happy that Hebner hasn’t decided to count these two out even though it is a No DQ match. I truly did not know that was a possibility.
Jeff’s attack continues throughout the ringside area. Robert Roode is slammed face first into any and everything Jeff can force him to: steps, ring apron, steel guard rail, ring post, random chair, you name it. After taking a severe beating Robert Roode begins to beg Hardy to just stop. He is storry for all his wrong doings. Jeff responds by throwing the champ into even more things around ringside. The creatures of the night again show their support of Hardy while Jeff sends Roode into the steel steps. Impact goes to commercial after Jeff nails Poetry In Motion on the outside.
When Impact returns Roode prevents himself from taking a Twist of Fate and proceeds to shove Hebner into the ropes which stops Hardy from hitting Whisper in the Wind. For the first time tonight Bobby Roode is able to catch his breath and get some control of the situation. With his opponent prone on the floor and the crowd firmly against him Roode feels it’s his turn to throw Jeff into some guardrails. The challenger barely prevents a piledriver being delivered on the ramp.
The two make their way up the ramp with Jeff chasing the, now crawling away, world champion. The Charismatic Enigma is in a throw-ey mood tonight. He takes time to throw Roode off the ramp onto the concrete floor before picking him up and throwing him into a guardrail. Roode prevents another Twist of Fate but runs himself into the ramp knocking him out.
Jeff picks the champ up and brings him into the ring to finish his opponent off. Hardy signals this by doing his trademark ‘remove the shirt’ thing. Just as Hardy is fifty percent more naked Kust Angle comes down to lay some smack down on Jeff Hardy. Angle throws the challenger into the ring where he receives a spear for the 3-count.
Winner and STILL World Champion: Robert Roode
Robert Roode is happy to have proven that Jeff can’t do it. Sting tried to screw the champ and the champ is still right here. Sting comes to let Robert Roode know that he isn’t done by a long shot. There are some guys in the back that deserves a shot at the title. Sting is tired of seeing Robby screw people out of matches and this is not over at all.
Eric ?Mentally Challenged” Young is in the back strumming a guitar by himself as the camera man asks him what is going on. Well, you see Tuesday was Valentine’s Day. It was Eric and ODB’s first. Eric didn’t get her anything. He woke up at two, went to ju-jitsu, got his license taken away, surfed for four hours, played backgammon with his blind mother all night, and didn’t even call ODB. Luckily Eric has brought his guitar and has something special planned for his lady. Yeah for all of us.
Sting has set a date up for later tonight. Bully Ray, who should already be the world heavyweight champion, will be going against James Storm for the number one contender spot for the TNA World Championship.
TNA then takes some time to update us on the Jesse Sorensen situation. For those who did not see Jesse Sorensen broke the C-1 vertebra in his neck on a freak accident when Zema Ion’s knees drove Jesse’s head into his neck. Jesse has gotten very lucky and will likely make a complete full recovery over the next year.
Zema Ion and Austin Aries vs. Alex Shelley and Shannon Moore
Austin Aries’ cape is still being rocked like a boss. There is no man hotter in the company right now besides that man.
I mean seriously look at how amazing that is.
Did you know Brandon Jacobs is in attendance? Again, nothing big. Don’t worry. I’m sure it won’t play into anything later.
The bell rings and Austin Aries tells Zema that he is going to begin the contest with Shannon Moore. He’s the champ and will face the weaker opponent of his choosing. After a quick dropkick to Shannon Moore the X-Division champ takes a rest on the turnbuckle. Zema decides he doesn’t need to see this arrogance so he tags himself in.
Shannon gets himself to the corner and the Machine Gun finally gets in on the action. The two chain wrestle a bit before Zema hits some flashy maneuvers on Shelley before bragging to the champ. Ion lets Aries know that is how things are done right and that Aries needs to be taking a few notes right now. Aries decides to bring himself into the contest just to show the young kid up.
This backfires and the Punk Rock Machine Guns get the advantage. Shannon Moore hit’s a moonsault on the outside, before Ion stopped him from using his hair spray, and then Shelley keeps Ion from consulting on his partner. Seconds later Shelley gets out of a brain buster attempt just before Zema Ion gets the three count off of a surprise pin from a quick pin.
Zema Ion and Austin Aries win by pinfall
Gail doesn’t get why women keep coming at the title. Tara and Mickie don’t have a shot and she is tired of it. Women who say they are her friends just act like bitches and are mean to her. Madison takes this time to apologize for her actions on Sunday. Things got heated and she is so very sorry about that. Tonight there is a knockout’s battle royal for the number one contendership. The only thing Madison wants Gail to do is sit and be pretty. Rayne plans on doing everything she can to let these women know just how lucky they are for this opportunity.
Knockout’s Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership to the Knockout’s Title
Truthfully I can name probably half of the women in the ring. Sorry, you want detailed coverage of some really talented female ladies talk to Mike Johns. Mickie James, Tara, the girls from the new LAX are in the ring along with: that one Hooters chick Ms. Tessmacher, Paul Birchell’s sister and Angelina Love. Velvet Sky has made her way to the ring which, of course, has made Taz take King’s creepiness to a completely newer level. Let the pigeons fly. Madison and Gail are here to watch the match. Gail takes a seat as Madison gets into the ring so she can talk to the ladies. Any of them could be the new number one contender. Ring the bell.
Here we go with action that is quick and hard to follow…maybe. Within seconds Winter, Paul Birchell’s sister, Tessmacher, and Rosita are all eliminated by ODB. Mickie grabs a head scissors on ODB to take her over and fails. Every knockout pushes ODB out right as the dirty one herself throws Mickie James off the top rope. Tara is thrown to the apron and lands nasty on her knee before being drop kicked out by Angelina Love.
We are down to Velvet, Sarita, and Angelina Love. Sky is double teamed by Sarita and her former Beautiful People friend. Brandon Jacobs is in attendance by the way. Not that this really matters at all. It really won’t come into play at all. Seriously, act like we haven’t been mentioning it a lot tonight.
Velvet goes to town on her two opponents with clotheslines and elbows trying t single this down to a more even fight. Velvet can’t keep it even for long before succumbing to the double-team tactics again. Angelina Love nails her with the Botox Injection but is eliminated by Sarita afterwards. Velvet and Sarita are the final ones in this contest. Sarita goes for a clothesline but Velvet ducks the attack to send Sarita over the ropes.
Velvet celebrates as Madison slides into the rign and eliminates her for the win. How does this happen? Madison said any knockout in the ring has an opportunity to win tonight and she was in the ring during the opening bell.
Winner and NEW #1 Contender for the Knockout’s Title: Madison Rayne
Roode lets us know just how tough Bully Ray is. Ray won’t have a problem walking up to you and punching you in your face. Unfortunately for Bully Ray he is facing a man who isn’t afraid to punch back tonight.
Joe and Magnus walked into Against All Odds then walked out with the titles. They beat a giant and an undefeated monster, something Joe ironically laughs at. Next week these two will have their rematch and the new champs couldn’t be more confident.
A more in-depth look back at this past Sunday’s match between Garrett Bischoff and Gunnar. This time chronicling the constant attack on Garrett’s neck and Eric’s happiness.
Eric Bischoff, Gunnar, Ric Flair, and Chelsea (Nigel McGuinness/Desmond Wolfe’s manager for the two months he was there) are on their way to the ring. What are they here for? Gloating obviously. Thank-you! Thank-you all very, very much! Chealsea thank-you! Ric Flair thank-you! Gunnar thank-you!
The dream is over. Garrett will finally be done with this silly “pro-wrestling” dream. Cigars and champagne for everyone in the ring. Eric has one final message for his son before the celebration continues. This is what Eric said would happen to you Garrett. Sure you may share the family name, but Eric Bischoff you are not. This is daddy’s job and not something you could ever succeed in. The four toast to Garrett’s poor health.
Bully Ray saw us looking at them. They truly are the best calves in the business. There is a reason he is called “Calf-zilla”. James Storm is going to have to step into the ring with the Calf Man tonight. These two will battle it out for a shot at the title. The match shouldn’t be happening anyways. Bully Ray beat Jeff Hardy at Against All Odds and should’ve won the title right then and there. He’ll still go through James Storm tonight though. Now, look down at those calves again mother****er! Awesome. Awesome.
Christy Hemme is in the back with a guy from the new Spike MMA show. They will be previewing and reviewing any and all MMA. The show is going to be live and be all over social media. Impact Wrestling is so excited to have MMA Uncensored Live with them on Spike Thuesday nights from now on.
Eric has finally tracked down ODB in the back. She just lost her match, she is mad at Eric, and she has to pee. Young asks her to sit down so he can sing her “Ode to ODB”.
This is my O-D-E to my O-D-B
I’m filled with remorse so tragically
I fell for you like a turd from a tall horse.
Can’t you see I love you of course?
Our love came strong and our love came fast.
I love you most when you slap my ass.
This was my O-D-E to my O-D-B
ODB likes it and Eric is happy they are back in love. She decides to give Eric his present right now by taking him into a locker room. But she hasn’t went to pee and was complaining about it. Unless….eww.
Bully Ray vs. James Storm for the #1 Contendership to the TNA World Championship
“Any pretty boy can have abs. Real men have calves.” -Bully Ray
I’m getting use to this whole Bully Ray calf thing. I don’t find it odd anymore. I don’t know if that says something about me at this point or not. Totally need to get some calves like that though. Brandon Jacobs is in attendance for this match by the way. You know the New York Giants player? Seriously, he is in attendance. We’re just saying. This has nothing to do with anything important. You should forget we mentioned it.
Also, you guys need to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter. Then, while you’re at it, follow Sting at Sting. Do you follow Sting? I follow Sting. Why wouldn’t I? Do you? Of course. And Dixie? No doubt. You? Yep. Oh, right…wrestling match.
Bully Ray trips up James Storm after Hebner gets in his way and goes to work on the leg. Ray uses the apron to his advantage before stripping the boot off of James’ left leg. Ray berates the crowd after James Storm breaks the leg lock by finding the ropes. The Cowboy is trying to do whatever he can to get away from Bully Ray but isn’t successful. Every second Ray gets his hands on him James’ knee takes a beating.
Ray removes the shin pad and Storm’s leg is down to his sock. Bubba locks in a single leg crab for a bit and Storm can’t even get to his feet anymore. This match is all about Bully Ray as we head to commercial. Impact comes back with the crowd on their feets and James Storm in pain on the ground. He can’t hold himself up. Ray is tired of Earl getting in the way so he decides to blow his nose in Earl Hebner’s face. Ray begs the crowd to cheer on James Storm while he continues a beating. This leads to Ray taking a surprise punch to the fact. Ray stumbles back then gets a Codebreaker and Superkick for his trouble. Ray is on his back looking at the lights for about 10 seconds but it only takes three to end this contest.
James Storm wins and is the new #1 Contender to the TNA Championship
James Storm asks Brandon Jacobs to come over the railing and join him for a beer. Brandon Jacobs obliges the ex-champ and decides to partake. Ray takes some frustration out on the next contender. Once he is out and down Ray turns his attention to Brandon Jacobs. Ray decides that Brandon Jacobs isn’t all that tough and definitely doesn’t deserve to drink a beer. Ray chooses to imitate Triple H and spits the beer in Jacobs’ face. This was not a wise move as the Giant shovess Bully hard to the ground. Luckily for Ray all TNA agents were quickly on hand to hold the man back from doing any more harm,.
What happened out there? Brandon Jacobs was here to support James Storm. Brandon just wanted to have some fun. He has no problem showing Bully Ray just how you don’t screw with him. Jacobs got the last word, but it isn’t done yet. Next week on Impact the New York Giants’ Brandon Jacobs will be coming for Bully Ray.
Sting has again arrived in the Impact Zone and needs to see Bobby Roode. He has good news for everyone. The Champ obliges and gingerly makes his way down to the ring. This feels so good for Sting. One-on-one for the world title, the match of the year for Impact Wresting, will be happening at Lockdown. James Storm vs. Robert Roode for the world title.
Storm takes this news the way any self-respecting world champion would…he kicks Sting right in the balls. Sting goes down quick. Roode puts Sting’s glasses on while Sting pulls himself to his feet. The Icon is met by Bobby’s world title to the face. Robbie places the glasses back on Sting’s face as Impact fades to black.
Conclusions and Thoughts
Impact wasn’t all that bad this week. Again, I’m not here stating it is the greatest thing in the world but in no way was it horrible. At this point the biggest problem with the show is just overall pacing. Raw has these issues sometimes too, but Impact has this problem far more consistently.
The show started off with a quick talking segment but it was the lead-in to a world title match and didn’t last all that long. Yet the second the match was over we went through three separate backstage promos and segments. We get two quick matches and then sit through another five or so segments and promos.
I completely understand that segments and promos happen all the time in wrestling. I get weekly shows should be pushing PPVs through promos and you don’t really need matches every week to do that. Really, you could do with less main event-esk matches and instead have more mid-card matches with promos to get pay-per-views over. My main problem with the set up is how disjointed the entire promo packages come off. They jump quickly, almost too spontaneously, from segment to segment without any specific flow.
Highlight of the Night
Bully Ray. The guy has crowds in the palm of his hands. If there is ever a dead crowd, though this Impact was not the case, he can get them off their feet in hate. Ray is showing a promo ability that was last mentioned heavily during the original ECW days. The guy has come a long way since stuttering every fice seconds though. His actions in the ring are precise and deliberate while his words and tone convey that of a guy who knows exactly how to do everything just right.
Lowlight of the Night
Brandon Jacobs. Thips is nothing against Jacobs or TNA. If anything this a huge grab for TNA to have the recent Superbowl Champion on their show. My biggest problem is just his promo ability. The entire thing was so bad.
Again, it wasn’t all that terrible and the rest of the show was alright. The biggest problem with Jacobs’ promo is how press conference like it was. The interviewer pressed with things like: “tell us what you did out there.” “Well, what did you do after that?” “What is going to happen next week?” “Do you have anything to say to Bully Ray?” “What about after that?”
That promo was really the hardest part to watch of the whole show.
Five Questions for TNA
1) He is a professional athlete, but couldn’t Brandon Jacobs have rehearsed / recorder the promo a few times to get something a bit better?
2) What have you guys done to me so that I’m ok Bully Ray has an almost erotic fascination with his own calves.
3) Why can’t you control how you use Eric Young more often? That whole segment didn’t last that long and wasn’t really painful at all. Seriously. That is the way to just have Young on their and it not be a problem. Also, that guy can play the guitar. I did not know that.
4) Don’t you guys already have random people on the roster you don’t use? Why randomly bring back someone like Chelsea when there are at least two or three other random women people would remember better than her?
5) When are you going to start selling Austin Aries capes and “Calf-zilla” t-shirts? You could totally just send me one and I could review them for you before they hit shelves. Ya know, get the publicity going on them. Or I’ll just give you money for it. Whatever works.