This Week in TNA: Uncle Hulk Trains The Ref, Brawling in Buckingham, and "Jedi Money" James Storm
By Corey Letson
Feb 6, 2012 - 9:06 AM
Previously on TNA…
Madison Rayne – Madison is the Queen of the knockouts. She was Karen Jarrett’s left hand woman just before Mrs. Jarrett lost her job. This left Madison with the task of trying to become the new head of the knockouts. Unfortunately Sting didn’t see it that way and has since tried to make her play by the rules. After being fired Ms. Rayne snuck into the Impact Zone in face paint to cost Mickie James her title match against Gail Kim. In previous weeks she has been in a shark cage and gotten her just desserts from Ms. James.
Eric Young – After battling a case of mental trauma that led him to create a superhero Eric Young went even more unstable. Within the past few months he has won the television title, believing he was only to defend it against tv stars, before dropping it to Robbie E. Eric has since grown a beard, started a plausible relationship with ODB, and decided he will wrestle around with anyone he sees as long as they aren’t his actual opponents.
Sting – He has been doing the authority thing all up and down TNA since beating Hogan at Bound for Glory. Within the past few months his psychotic Joker-esk side and his Cowboy Sheriff-esk side have taken a back seat to his Stuntman Mike side.
Samoa Joe – Joe is on television regularly and actually wins a decent amount of time.
Bully Ray – Use to be out of shape but has gotten into shape. His calf muscles are amazing. These two things are all you’ll ever need to know. Well, he is also a bully. That is kind of important.
TNA News of the Week
Sting has torn his fascia muscle and will be out 4-6 weeks.
TNA’s Against All Odds will be on PPV February 12th
TNA Impact in Review
Impact kicks off with a highlight of TNA UK fans and action from TNA in the UK. Hopefully you understand that TNA is coming from London’s Wembley Arena tonight. These fans are here to enjoy some TNA and the company that is nonstop wants to bring them some action.
Lights, camera, crowd that is excited as all hell to watch some pro wrestling, action! We’re kicking things off with two of the hottest properties in TNA today: Bully Ray and Robert Roode. Luckily all of these Brits get to enjoy the look of Ray’s amazing calves.
This crowd is blowing up and I can’t tell if Robert Roode is happy about that or so nervous about this many people he can’t stop smiling. The crowd begins a “you suck” chant that goes on and loudly for a decent amount of time. Ray grabs the microphone and starts to take control of this intense audience.
Jeff Hardy won’t be here tonight/ Bully Ray and Robert Roode made sure of that. The man with the biggest calves in the world put that dyed haired freak through a table. Robby wants to know exactly what people can do with the leader of the selfish generation running rampant. These two are thrilled about what they did to Jeff Hardy Tonight they want to finish the job they started last week.. James Storm, where you be at cowgirl?
“WE WANT DEVON!” -Impact Crowd
That is quite possibly the loudest chant I’ve ever heard at a TNA event. If this Impact is solid then it is going to come off as an amazing event. Jamie comes as the champ asked but is stopped as he enters. You need to stay right there. Don’t take another step towards the world champ. The world champ will see you when he isn’t busy. You need to take a number and just wait for the receptionist to call on you.
IT’S SHOWTIME! Stinger wants to come and bring an update for Mr. Hardy’s condition. Hardy is still alive and will be at full health just in time for the next TNA PPV. Things work out really well sometimes. Against All Odds will feature a four-way title match between Bully Ray, Jeff Hardy, James Storm, and Jeff Hardy. As for tonight we’re going to have a fair fight. There won’t be any handicap matches, no sneak attacks, no loch ness monsters…no. James Storm gets Bully Ray one-on-one then later gets himself Robert Roode even later. IT’S SHOWTIME! TA-TA!
Hulk Hogan’s name has already been said by Tenay and Taz about five times. Add this to Garrett walking in the back calling his trainer to see where he is, yeah, we all know. Seriously. Tenay hypes finding out just who Garrett was trained by as we get ourselves to the first match of the evening.
Crimson and Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe and Brutus Magnus (Buckingham Brawl Match)
Randomly made up specialty match rules:
1) There is a coin toss by before the match. The winner of the cointoss can either have the legality to never need to tag. Thus they are working under Tornado Tag Rules. While the opposing team must follow strict tag-team wrestling rules. Or the winning team can choose to defer that advantage to their opponents which allows them the choice of which tag-rope they’d like to hold onto.
2) The champions get to call the coin toss in the air.
Before the match starts meter of how ridiculous this specialty match is compared to some of TNA’s other random ones in the past: 4/10.
Morgan calls heads and the coin winds up landing tails. Joe and Magnus decide to take the advantage while Matt Morgan chooses the far left tag-rope. Good choice as tonight the AC in the building seems to be pushing towards that direction at about 2mph. Which then in the metric system would be about…oh…I don’t know because my school system didn’t care enough to teach it.
The bell ringing greats us with two important things: the crowd losing their minds over Samoa Joe and The Brute Samoans going to town on Crimson. Crowd is on their feet for Joe to kill Crimson. These Brits love their live wrestling events. Magnus and Joe have the crowd firmly on their side. The Brutes use it to their advantage. These two are throwing out tag team combinations like they’re going out of style.
Crimson catches Joe and Magnus off guard which gives top-left choosing Morgan the chance to finally get tagged in. Morgan is ready for these two and single-handedly dismantles him. He misses a three-count by a fraction of a second. Crimson sends Joe to the outside just as Morgan misses the Blueprint Boot. Right away Joe nails an enziguiri then follows it up with the devastating snap mare/elbow drop combo for the three. Impact UK Zone couldn’t be happier.
Samoa Joe and Brutus Magnus win the Buckingham Brawl
Eric Bischoff is arriving to the arena on foot. After the commercial is over he has started to come into the ring. Weren’t you Brits suppose to be civilized? Garrett has been living his fantasy in the bubble of being a professional wrestler. It’s ok to not end up being even half the man your father is Garrett. Only your father will be disappointed, everyone else will expect it. This bubble needs to be popped. GET YOUR ASS TO THE RING!
Garrett enters the ring, surprisingly not decked out in red and yellow, to confront his daddy. This is Garrett’s moment to take it all in. Eric is trying to make a fantasy a goal. That kind of thing just never does happen. The UK fans are either chanting “Hogan” or “Boring” but I really can’t tell which. Not sure what is more appropriate given Bischoff’s monologue.
The Bischoffs then talk of Garrett’s trainer in the vague third person for a few minutes. Daddy Bischoff drops the bomb of knowing that he would never come to London. Your trainer who has been training you just won’t come. I promise that he won’t be here tonight. Why would he be? Seriously, he doesn’t care enough. He is a coward. He makes an amazing Mexican omalette. He hates you. He once body slammed this building. All in all he will never show up in the UK just to prove that he is your trainer, Garrett Bischoff, even though he totally has trained you. He, he, he, he, he, he, him, him, him, he, he, he, him, he, him. This exchange stops when Garrett grabs his cellphone to make a call. Letting the person on the other end know this event is “off da chain”.
The livid crowd again begins the “boring” or “Hogan” chant. Again, I can’t really tell which. His son’s trainer is in this building. That man doesn’t want to come out and talk right now. No, he wants to have Bischoff come back out later and discuss some things. Did you know later tonight Hulk Hogan returns? That isn’t as important or relevant to this whole mystery trainer thing though. We just figured we’d let you know before talking about the mystery trainer some more.
Mark Haskins vs. Austin Aries
Haskins receives a small highlight package to warm-up Impact fans to his recent TNA outings. While Haskins receives a hometown welcome Aries gets himself a true villainous response. The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived takes the kid to town with some chain wrestling then takes a break while the entire arena beings a “Austin Aries”. Haskins tries to show prowess that can only elicite a “BOO!” throughout the crowd.
Haskins skins the cat then sends Aries over the top. The crowd is eating this match up with a spoon just as Aries gets enough control to Macho Man double axe-handle his opponent on the outside. These two arrive back to the top rope but Haskins can’t do much before Aries racks him. Mark’s balls of steel allow him to get out of the corner then nail forearms, clotheslines, and cross bodies in quick succession. The champ kicks out at two then the crowd brings the “Austin Aries” chant to life. One missed shooting star press then Haskins is subject to a football punt, brain buster, and the Horns of Aries end this contest.
Austin Aries wins by submission
Ms. Tessmacher is in the finals of the Hooters girl of the year. She’ll be on the speed network sometime soon. YAY! Waitress jobs while you’re working for a currently proven international promotion.
Bischoff is looking for a cab out of here but Sting wants him to stay to enjoy the show. IT’S SHOWTIME TA…wait…damn.
James Storm vs. Robert Roode
We’re in the UK and with Phantom Menace opening up this Friday, James Storm brings a light saber to the ring. He is about to get all Liam Neeson on Robby’s ass. You think this hair and beard combo meant anything? Nope, just a way to promote the re-release of Star Wars. Ok, that didn’t happen but I’d like to see it. TNA should capitalize on just how much James Storm looks like Qui-Gon Jinn (geek credits revoked due to use of Google).
Crowd is ballistic while Storm starts this match as hot as possible. Gigantic combination which forces Bobby Roode to leave the ring and gather his wits about’em. Speaking of Qui-Gon Jinn next week TNA is presenting an episode of Impact next week, from London, which is going to be a Special Edition Star Wars Themed episode. I see this event going nowhere good. Luckily they seriously already book Liam Neeson on their roster.
Back to the match, Robert Roode begins to attack the mid-section/liver of his ex-partner. England gets to their feet as Storm gets to his. Beer Money trades blows with the audience throwing out the “YAY!” “BOO!” back-and-forth. It ends with an uppercut from James Storm on the second rope. Jamie then busts out a Frankensteiner. With this much momentum on his side he doesn’t allow Roode a second to attack before laying him out with a lung-blower. Elbow drop from the third rope leads to a very near fall.
Roode reverses a Russian legsweep that puts Jamie on the ground into a Crippler Crossface. He barely reaches the ropes. Beer Money take turns getting out of each other’s big moves just before the selfish one nails a fisherman’s suplex for a two-count. Robbie pushes the ref away to grab his belt. Just as Robert Roode attempts to use the belt Storm decides to call Semi-Sonic for Closing Time.
One Bully Ray interference later James Storm is on his back for the loss. Ray Ray isn’t done until he lays out his opponent for later tonight with a Rock Bottom onto the title belt.
Robert Roode wins
Later tonight Hulk Hogan returns. Also, Garrett Bischoff has a trainer who will be revealed tonight. Who will he be? HE HE HE HE HE!
Tara vs. Gail Kim w/ Madison Rayne
Tara starts off at a huge disadvantage when the Queen of the Knockouts distracts her early. This match is all Gail Kim after this. Kicks, slams, submissions, if you want it Gail is going to try to show it. Impact fans are up in arms over Gail and Madison tonight. Tara has a few sparks of life which quickly flicker out. Gail Kim retaining seems all but certain until Tara moves away from a top-rope attack.
UK Zone gets on their feet when Tara slams Gail Kim then knocks Madison Rayne in the face. Widow’s Peak 1..2...3 we have ourselves a winner.
Tara wins by pinfall
OMFG! Garrett Bischoff is coming back to the ring. HE IS GOING TO SHOW US WHO HIS TRAINER IS! The guy has been in the back the entire night. It makes you wonder why he didn’t come back earlier but…whatever. Did you also know that Hulk Hogan is returning tonight? Jast Sayin’.
Garrett enters the ring and would like to thank everyone for supporting him all these months. The crowd is anticipating Hogan’s entrance only to receive Gunnar and Eric Bischoff instead. Eric has 007s all around this arena. He knows that your trainer isn’t here. He can’t be. He isn’t that good of a trainer. Who is your trainer? Him? Yeah, he doesn’t have anything on Gunnar. Give this up before you…
OMFGLOLWTF IT’S HULK HOGAN! You know, the guy they’ve advertised all night long as returning.
Hogan enters the ring only to start swinging all over Gunnar’s face. The training buddies take time to play back-and-forth with Gunnar before turning their attention to Uncle Daddy Eric. Gunnar gets his boss out of the ring just seconds before Eric suffers any damage at all. Hogan rips his shirt then does his whole posing thing.
TNA cameras run to catch up to Hogan in the back to see what he thinks of everything. After letting us know that he is coming for Daddy Bischoff we get complete insanity. Hogan then dishes out a promo talking about how TNA is just one big step from becoming the next gigantic thing. He will single-handedly lead them there as the face of the company if he has too. Watch this promo. It is the definition of WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
Bully Ray vs. James Storm
Ray beings the match throwing blows to James Storm’s injured abdomen. Storm can’t keep up with Ray due to his current condition. James is laid out over the top rope as Ray decided to stand on the injured ribs for awhile. Now that the cowboy is down Ray takes a page out of his buddy Steiner’s playbook to deliver a camel clutch for added pain.
Ray removes the protective tape then slams Storm to the ground as Roode comes to the ring. Throughout the commercial break Ray has been in full control. Sting makes his way to the ring with a black cricket bat so he can keep the peace. Don’t forget that Impact will go to the Star Wars convention next week.
Crowd erupts in chanting as Ray beats on the ribs more and more. Looks like Ray can’t even tell what the U fans are chanting towards him. Bully Ray is looking for a one-sided fight and won’t even let Storm get a punch in. Splash leads to a near fall. The crowd is really wanting Devon to show up and teach Ray some lessons. Ray decides to appease them by beating down James Storm even more. Ray misses the top rope senton and both men are on the gtound.
Combatants get up at six and begin to trade blows back-and-forth while the crowd turns it into overdrive. The ref inadvertently gets hit with an elbow and goes down. Sting prevents Storm from hitting the ring which allows Storm to nail Ray with a Last Call Superkick. Three seconds later we’ve reached the end of this contest and Impact in the UK Week One. Next week IT’S THE DEATH STAR! TA-TA!
James Storm wins by pinfall
Current Card for Against All Odds on February 12th 2012
Robert Roode vs James Storm vs Jeff Hardy vs Bully Ray for the TNA World Title
Gail Kim vs Tara for the Knockouts title
Austin Aries vs Alex Shelley for the X-Division Title
Conclusions and Thoughts
This show was downright great outside of one glaring problem. That problem should be obvious to anyone who actually viewed it.
Austin Aries put on a really enjoyable quick contest that the crowd ate up. Still one of the best all around things going in the business today he showed that even people in the UK want nothing more than to see A Double all the time.
Opening tag contest’s rules weren’t that bad. With TNA that really does say a lot. This company has had so many odd, random, pointless gimmick matches I’m surprised at how solid this idea worked. Joe#Magnus have seemingly cemented their rematch for the title at Against All Odds.
That crowd really loved Joe and Aries.
Highlight of the Night
This crowd stole the entire show. They made Impact feel like something special. If TNA wants to make themselves look like they belong side-by-side in comparison with WWE then this is their entire highlight reel. The arena they chose was packed and the people didn’t let up all night long. Guys like Austin Aries, Robert Roode, James Storm, and Samoa Joe ended up coming off like gigantic stars. For people who think TNA’s main focus isn’t on their younger talent this crowd would make you think different.
Impact in London will work long run just because of the enthusiasm of the people who went. They showed their support for a product that went to entertain them. Outside of one particular segment the first episode did its job in spades. Next week? I don’t know. This week? It all clicked.
Lowlight of the Night
Congratulations to Eric Young for not winning this award.
I don’t really know how to categorize this one. It wasn’t so much the Bischoff/Hogan segment. Truly, whatever. The storyline is going to progress, things are going to happen, and the best we can hope for is it pushes some younger guys in the process. Just the amount of “he” “him” and “trainer” in this show was mind-boggling. In every single match we had to hear some sort of the phrase “Garrett Bischoff’s trainer will be revealed but who could he be?” followed either prior or after with a version of “Also, Hogan is totally here. Don’t forget that.” The commentary ruined the flow of matches sometimes. The “he” “him” “trainer” promo from the Bischoffs was also really, really not all that good.
Bonus points to Hogan for the insane “TNA is one step from falling off the cliff and becoming number one” promo.
Five Questions for TNA
Are you guys really running on the whole “We just need one more thing and we’ll be #1” routine again? You’ve done it for years and it never pans out. Why not just focus on making a really solid product?
Would you like me to check with the Guinness Book of World Records to see if you won for most pronouns in a two-hour timeframe? I seriously think you guys have a shot.
Are you seriously going to do a Star Wars version of Impact next week? Are you getting money for it? George Lucas didn’t write it did he? Please note guys when I made the Storm joke I didn’t know you were even considering it. Hell, I had to Google Liam Neeson’s character in that film. I swear if Eric Young comes out and is Jar-Jar Binks next week I will shut the show off and the review will end right there. I just want your offices to know that.
Why would you have the number one contender for the TNA knockouts championship fight the champion in a one-on-one non-title match that ends with the challenger winning clean?
Seriously, if Eric Young portrays Jar-Jar Binks and is on screen for more than a minute I will end it right there.
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