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This Week in TNA: Forget Cowbell, Impact Needs More Hulk Hogan

By Corey Letson Mar 25, 2012 - 9:03 AM print

Previously on TNA…


TNA Victory Road Pay-Per-View Recap


TNA News of the Week


-Christopher Daniels turned 41 this past week.


-TNA presents Lockdown on April 15th


TNA Impact in Review


Impact opens up with the familiar PPV main event highlight video. Nice added touch of Bobby Roode’s post-match comments. TNA then decides to show everything involving Roode, Sting, and Dixie that happened post match. For a detailed word-filled review of what happened just click that link above.


Dixie Carter is here tonight to talk to the audience.


Turns out she won’t be wasting any time and once the TNA theme song is over Mrs. Carter is in the ring.


“Over the past 6 months Bobby Roode every week, more and more, has disrespected this company. He has disrespected the fans, each one of you, anybody who loves wrestling. But what he did at Victory Road last Sunday, you have disgraced this company Bobby Roode, do you hear me? All I’ve done this entire week was talk to attorneys, outside attorneys, my management council and I have weighed the pros and cons trying to make this decision here. There is only one right decision here. It’s because of you that you’ve only given me one optio---”


Stinger decides he has had enough of TNA’s owner and wants to talk to her himself. You’ve never had a reason to distrust Sting. Remember when he cut you off after that fifth appletini? He said you were done. No more. You complained, you yelled, you got us thrown out of the bar. Yet the next day you called to apologize. That’s just the kind of guy the Stinger is. You need to do like that night and listen to him one more time.

Firing Bobby Roode is giving him the easy way out. To simply tell him ‘never come back because you’re not welcome here’ won’t be enough. How will you get your revenge? How will I get my revenge? What about James Storm’s title shot at Lockdown? Are you really going to disappoint Jamie? The fans wouldn’t be legally allowed to throw stuff at the guy again either.

The Icon even has some qualms about decisions that have been made lately. This whole GM position thing…it doesn’t work. TNA takes the most awkward commercial break ever right after Sting’s sentence making it look like Dixie and he have been standing in the ring listening to “please don’t go” chants for about five minutes. Weird…

Dixie has put all of her faith into Sting to run the company. Stinger has thought he has done a fantastic job. That is up until Victory Road. When this company came alive. The Icon has learned that he can’t run the company and be a wrestler. It doesn’t really work at all. He can’t be competing at that world title level if he is half-running the show.

Sting is going to take a small leave. Why? Well, the concussion, but also he just really wants to take a nap at 4pm sometime. Doesn’t that sound lovely? When Sting comes back he will take this company over with the world title just one more time. So the Icon is going to resign right now. But he won’t leave you hanging. Sting has found his own replacement.

Sting momentarily turns into The Riddler using fifteen sentences to get to one single name. To get through all the crap Sting’s replacement is “the real” Hulk Hogan. Dixie seems hesitant. Sting assures her it’s the best idea ever.


Bully Ray knows what you’re thinking. You think he is pissed. No. He is super freaking pissed. You are so stupid. Hostages will be taken tonight. Get out of the Bully’s way.


Kid Kash vs. Jesse Neece vs. Zema Ion vs. Austin Aries for the X-Division Championship


Again, I think this is a quick rehash of the past six months of X-Division challengers (minus Shelley). To some extent a match like this shows the greatness of the X-Division but it’s considerable lack of depth in recent times.


Fourth gear is where this match begins and probably where it will end. Ion squares off with Aries on the outside while Neece and Kash go back and forth in the ring. Aries is left with Neece after Kid Kash is thrown to the outside landing badly on his knee. After Ion breaks up a near fall Neece is thrown to the outside.

Victory Road’s title rematch doesn’t last long before Aries takes Neece and Ion down with a combo attack followed by a heat seeking missle. Kash limps to the top and springboards onto Aries. Ion then takes both men out with a moonsault that, as always, gets mentioned as the neck breaking moonsault Sorensen took. Neece also does a dive to the outside.

Before seeing how anyone got in the position at all Tower of Doom. Aries delivers the power bomb, Neece takes the brunt of the fall. Bully Ray slides in to prove a point. The point? He can destroy four X-Division athletes without even beginning to breath hard. Chumps.


Do you know exactly who he is? Bully Motha****** RAY!


Winner: No Contest


Anarquia, Hernandez, Sarita, and Rosita are in the back because Josh from Repo Games is here. They’re excited until they notice their car is about to be repo’d. Apparently they’re in luck since this television shows gimmick is if you can answer trivia questions you won’t get your car taken away. I’m sure the car companies who are owed their money love that.


Question 1) What year was Mexico recognized independent from Spain?


Anarquia response: Are you serious, holmes? I know that one essa. 1821. Of course I’m sure.


Correct. The car lowers a bit so he has to answer more…wow.


Question 2) Was the chimichanga created in Mexico or the United States?


Anarquia response: Pfft. Are you serious again, holmes? My something-something made the greatest chimichanga ever. Mexico, holmes.


Wrong. Take that car back up.


Question 3) Correctly spell Guadalajara. (Note: Not a question guys)


Anarquia response: Pfft, again. Let me break this down. G-uh-W-uh-lajara.




Anarquia response: Let us win the titles tonight and we’ll pay you for the car. Not in pesos either. It’ll be in American dollars.


Josh tells them to go do their little wrestling gimmick and get him some money.


Eric Young and ODB vs. Sarita and Rosita for the Knockouts Tag Championship


Taz brings himself back to form on the knockouts as the challengers make their way into the ring. Compared to last Sunday he has already doubled his sexual innuendo count by the power of three. ODB and Eric are getting married on Impact. Yep, that thing is happening. Thrilling for everyone involved. Mike Tenay is mad Taz begins to ‘no-sell’ the wedding.

This title match starts with Eric Young and Rosita in the ring. Neither really feel like tussling. Eric decides ODB would be the better choice for this match-up. ODB’s sexual offense backfires at the bronco (now Manning)-Buster. Sarita jumps into the ring laying boots into ODB’s back.

With the female portion of the champs down Sarita tags in. Her offensive barrage backfires leading to Eric Young getting into the fold. EY decides to do some cartwheels, take his clothes off, and then flirt with the challengers. One of these three things really pisses ODB off. She takes her worries out on their opponents. Taz reminds us these two are weird because Eric Young wears the ring like a woman should. Three seconds later we’re done here.


Winners and still champions: Eric Young and ODB (EYODB)


Crimson has a problem with Matt Morgan’s Direct Auto Insurance ad. What a glory hog. Where is Crimson in these commercials? You’re going to stop trying in the ring too? What did you expect Crimson to do? Sit and wait for you to ruin everything he has built? Nope. Shove off. Morgan bursts in to refute every single charge made against him in the most logical way. Beating Crimson’s ass then choking him with a chair until security rips them apart.

Quick recap of Sting’s comments earlier this evening.


Dixie has no response to that request. She knows why Sting feels that way but she has no way to know what to do. What do you people think Dixie Carter does? You act like she’s the owner of this company or something.


Jeff is super pissed about losing by cheating this past week. They need to be in a cage. Lockdown, this will happen. Joseph Park has come to meet the Enigma. He has heard about all the crazy matches those two have done. Seen him at all? No, that’s cool. It’s not really that big of a deal. The missing brother thing has really just given me a chance to ride all of Universal’s attractions for free.


Great highlight video showing exactly how far Storm and Roode have come since debuting in this company leading to Lockdown. From the humble beginnings of AMW and Team Canada to fighting for the world title at Lockdown.


James Storm has arrived with a few thoughts on his mind. It seems a few people backstage have forgotten about the definitions for right and wrong. Why is football only around for eighteen weeks? That’s wrong. It should be every week. Why is it parents save money for vacation but can’t because gasoline is so darn expensive? That’s wrong. Bobby Roode, what you did to Sting and Dixie at Victory Road was wrong. That’s wrong.

Daddy always told him a man that hits a woman is no man at all. Come Lockdown you will be locked down with me. Inside that cage James Storm plans to right all of Bobby’s wrongs (and the NFLs) come Lockdown. Tonight he just wants to beat the hell out of Roode. Why doesn’t the champ just oblige?

William Kelly answers the call instead. Who you ask? Robert Roode’s legal advisor. He has a statement to read everyone. Mr. Robert Roode will be remaining in his home in Toronto, Canada until further notice. Management has created an unsafe work environment for the client. The only outstanding contract he has is a world title match at Lockdown. The champion is very confident in his abilities.

When it comes to James Storm’s request to fight Roode this past Sunday that will not happen. Luckily two men, Kazarian and Daniels, have contacted Roode in regards to fighting James Storm. The choice is fully in James’ court as to who he will fight. Storm cuts through all the bullcrap deciding to fight both of them. Sorry about your damn luck Mr. Kelly. Last Call for you. Night night.


Jeff Hardy wants a rematch with Angle? Why? Kurt beats people down. That is what he does. He doesn’t even lose. Garrett Bischoff supposedly won? Is that what Garrett thinks? HEY GARRETT! Think you can last three minutes tonight? Oh, you do? Angle hates you. You’ll need to be dressed right now.


Kurt Angle vs. Garrett Bischoff in a 3-minute challenge match


Angle chooses to start this three minute challenge off with some jibber-jabbering and playful shoving. Garrett gets serious once Kurt pie-faces the kid. One minute is already off the clock just as Garrett Bischoff surprises Angle with a super-fast combination which almost leads to a three count. Angle is done playing. The medalist throws Bischoff out of the ring. With one minute left Garrett uses his mind to outsmart Kurt. Garrett plays with him going in and out of the ring wasting the clock away. The match ends thirty seconds early when Gunnar runs down to help Angle attack the rookie. Jeff Hardy jumps in to save before it gets too bad.


Winner: No Contest


Highlight package for the soon-to-be-returning Motor City Machine Guns


Samoa Joe and Brutus Magnus vs. Hernandez and Anarquia w/ Rosita and Sarita for the TNA Tag Team Championships


Joe begins this match bringing the pain to Hernandez. The champs quickly tag following it up with a combination on Hernandez. Magnus lets Hernandez get away to tag in Anarquia. Anarquia’s time in the ring doesn’t last long as he brings in Hernandez to capitalize on Magnus’ mistake. The challengers contniue quick tags slowly irking Samoa Joe.

Hernandez continues to work the back of Magnus with a bear hug. Upon breaking the hold Magnus goes down to a massive shoulder block. Mexican America makes a misstep allowing the hurt Brutus Magnus to get the tag to his partner.

Hello again, 2005 Samoa Joe. Both opponents feel the pain and Anarquia is quickly locked into the rear naked choke. Sarita and Rosita hit the apron to distract the referee until Josh from Repo Games shows up to carry them away. Snapmare/Elbow combo to Anarquia leads to the champs retaining.


Winners and still Champions: Samoa Joe and Brutus Magnus


Hulk is here because Sting called him. He doesn’t even know why Sting called. For a second he just assumed he’d forgot his prescription at Bingo night on Tuesday.


Josh has brought the women back to the car. Anarquia has come back to make sure his car isn’t taken. Too bad Josh doesn’t give a crap. Josh also decides to take the women too. So he leaves with Rosita and Sarita because Anarquia doesn’t have a car anymore. They walk away into the darkness leaving the car and tow truck with Mexican America.


Next week “Longnecks and Rednecks world video premiere. Montgomery Gentry endorse the song so there is no way anyone can dislike it.


Kazarian and Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm


Daniels attempts to sneak attack Storm on the way to the ring but the number one contender is a little too bright for that. He stops the Fallen Angel before sending Frankie into steel ring steps. It doesn’t take long before Daniels and Kaz get the upper hand on Storm inside the ring. Now with the numbers game they begin to dissect the number one contender.

Once the two have had their fun beating on James enough they both go for the win unsuccessfully. Kaz and Daniels begin to disagree about how they’re fighting this match against Storm. The Cowboy recovers during the argument leading up to him putting both men on the floor with a Last Call Superkick.


Winner: James Storm


Dixie joins Sting in the ring. Sting has been around for twenty years with Hogan. What you’ve seen since he got rid of Eric Bischoff is the real Hulk Hogan. The guy that is good, nice, and everything television ever led you to believe he was. You know, if you discount anything you saw on Hogan Knows Best. Dicie, do you trust Sting? Lucky for everyone Sting is the person she trusts most in this world. If he says Hogan should run the ship…guess who is running the ship? No, not Jack Sparrow. Sadly. Instead we’re getting Hulk Hogan.

Hulk joins the ring to be praised. Hogan has made Stinger a believer. Hogan has made Dixie a believer. It is now time for the Hulkster to hear from every single fan in attendance. Even they believe in Hogan. Don’t believe me? We’re going to chant your name until the show goes off the air.


TNA Wrestling presents Lockdown on April 15th 2012 Live on Pay-Per-View

Robert Roode vs. James Storm for the TNA World Championship


Conclusions and Thoughts


That is where Impact ends? Ok. So we wait until next week to hear the inevitable acceptance of Hogan? Yep. Well, not going to say that was enthralling or anything. That has got to be one of the flattest endings I’ve seen to a wrestling show in a really long time.


Eric Young and ODB will be married on Impact. I believe the timing of it is either the week after Lockdown or the week prior. Ideally my mishearing leads me to believe they’d be smart enough to put it the week after. This is going to an entire episode of Impact to itself. If it goes shorter than thirty minutes you could color me impressed.


Pretty please, don’t let Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan have another power struggle for control of the company where Sting has to come and bail them out. I’d totally assume it won’t happen, but there is a part of me that worries a tad.


Highlight of the Night - James Storm/Robert Roode Lockdown preview


Taking their cues from UFC, boxing, and now WWE; TNA set-up their main event of Lockdown with a fantastic highlight video. It seems these will be done in parts weekly as this first one focused on the debuts of Robert Roode and James Storm. Both men were here in the early days and struggled to become something more than tag team guys.

I’m sure within the next week or so they’ll hit the meat on this highlight videos bones once Beer Money is the focus. They’re going to take this match and have it built up to Bound for Glory levels of hype. If TNA can keep video packages of this quality going and avoid the pitfalls that Rock/Cena have hit they should have one of the “must-see” matches for 2012.



Lowlight of the Night - Mexican America’s Repo Games


1) The premise of the show Repo Games seems to be ridiculous.


2) Anarquia is more stereotypical than Jeff Dunham’s puppets and their jokes.


3) He left them the car he was repo-ing.


4) The women left because Anarquia didn’t have a car but Josh walked with them into darkness.


5) I don’t want this to continue as a story more than I don’t want EY/ODB’s wedding to go an hour.



Five Questions for TNA


1) What happened to the X-Division? I mean honestly it seems like you guys only have whoever is challenging for the title and no one else besides the champ.


2) Do you understand that characters as stereotypical as all of “Mexican America” just don’t work? Its those things that fans can feel are insulting to their intelligence.


3) Is that Dixie Carter singing her own theme song? Can she get some new music?


4) Why did Rosita and Sarita leave Hernandez and Anarquia for Josh when he didn’t have a car either? They just walked away into the darkness. He left his vehicle there for them to jack.


5) You ruined the group team up of Aries, Bully Ray, and Robert Roode. WHY?!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?

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