This Week in Impact

Impact starts off with the ECW Alumni, now known as Extreme Version 2.0 (EV2.0) confronting Brother Ray about his unwillingness to be a part of the Hardcore Justice PPV.   Tommy Dreamer and Mick Foley each make a plea to Ray to be a part of their Last Stand, but Ray is resistant.   Ray is seemingly talked into it, though, by Taz, of all people, who’s compelling argument as to why Ray should participate in Hardcore Justice was, simply, “just do it.”   So, with that, Ray walks down to the ring and joins his brethren in EV2.0, agreeing to be a part of Hardcore Justice after all.

Hulk Hogan then comes down to the ring to confront EV2.0.   Hogan then talks up the EV2.0, claiming that he’s all down with the hardcore and whatnot.   And if this sounds like a bunch of bull, that’s pretty much how it came off – Hogan was just spewing a bunch of crap, dude.   So, then Abyss comes out, tells us that ‘they’ aren’t very happy because the Hardcore Justice PPV is happening, and it wasn’t part of their plans.   He then says that ‘they’ blame Dixie Carter, and Hogan dismisses Abyss’ threats.   Abyss then informs Hogan that ‘they’ have ordered him to take out Tommy Dreamer here tonight.   Hogan tells Abyss that Tommy’s not doing anything until he’s good and ready at the PPV, but then, Tommy takes the initiative and answers Abyss’ challenge.   So, later tonight, we get Abyss vs. Dreamer.

We then go to the back, where Madison Rayne tries to make peace with Velvet Sky.   Velvet seemingly wants no piece of Maddie now, after Madison claimed that she didn’t need Velvet and Lacey anymore, but between Madison’s relentless apology, and Lacey practically begging for a truce, the Beautiful People hug it out.

Our first match of the night is a #1 Contender’s Match for the Knockouts Championship between Angelina Love and the freshly-turned heel, Sarita.   Angelina goes over via pinfall after nailing Sarita with the Botox Injection.

To the back, where we see Eric Young and Orlando Jordan arguing, and, apparently, Eric has reverted back to his goofy persona, as we see him play the comic foil to Orlando Jordan’s more serious demeanor.   Eric Young says he’s got some backup who’s going to have OJEY’s back in their match tonight against Ink Inc.  

We return to commercial, and see that Eric’s gimmick reversion has been an angle that’s played out on Xplosion, beginning with Suicide kicking Young in the head and dropping him off the top rope a month ago.   Apparently, this head injury is the cause of Goofy Eric’s return.   But, just in case you were about to think Orlando Jordan was the ‘normal one’ in Team OJEY, Orlando tries to put some pre-chewed gum in SoCal Val’s mouth as he makes his way out to the ring.   Meanwhile, Eric one-ups OJ as he brings out a mannequin dressed in what appears to be a feather boa and little else.   Apparently, this is OJEY’s backup for the evening.

Second match of the night pits Orlando Jordan and Eric Young against Ink Inc. in a match you’re probably not going to want to remember if you wanted to.   The match goes awry when OJ tries to tag in Eric, but apparently tags the mannequin instead, so Eric tosses the mannequin at Shannon Moore, bringing the match to an absolute halt as even OJ is wondering what the hell that was about.   Ink Inc takes advantage of OJEY’s in-fighting and hits a double-team Mooregasm for the win.

The next segment of the show features Ric Flair in the ring with AJ Styles, Kazarian, and Beer Money.   Flair talks about Jay Lethal for a bit, promoting a rematch between Flair and Lethal next week on Impact in a Street Fight.   Talk then moves along to the Fortune faction, as Flair officially inducts Beer Money into the fold.   Roode then talks up Beer Money as the best tag team in the business today,   then promotes their match against the Motor City Machine Guns later that night in a Steel Cage, a match that, should Beer Money win, they would become 4-time World Tag Team Champions.   We then move on to AJ Styles, the new Global Champion, who had defeated Rob Terry the week before (with help from Kazarian) for the title.   Kaz takes a pot-shot at the Nexus, as both Kaz and AJ kiss Flair’s ass before rechristening the Global Title the TNA Television Championship.   AJ then talks up Kaz’s match with Rob Terry, as well as his rematch with Terry for TV title next week on Impact.   Flair then ends the segment with a classic Horsemen closer before Kurt Angle comes out to ruin the party.   Kurt talks to AJ, saying he’s glad to hear that AJ is going to honor his new TV title, but, unfortunately, Angle has a commitment of his own to honor – plowing through the Top 10 in TNA and winning back the TNA World Title.   And guess who’s next on Kurt’s list?   AJ Styles.

Up next – Match #3 in the Best of 5 Series between the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money for the TNA World Tag Team Titles in a steel cage.   Beer Money walks in to this match leading the series 2-0, meaning, if the Guns lose tonight, they lose the TNA Tag Titles.   Beer Money dominates the Guns early, but the Guns come back from behind with some high-octane offense to keep the crowd hot.   Shelley nails Roode with a sweet double-foot stomp off the top after nailing Roode with a complete shot into the cage while on the top rope.   Storm breaks out the 8-Second Ride for the first time in I can’t even remember how long.   Beer Money nails Sabin with a Powerbomb/Backstabber combo after Roode powerbombs Sabin into the cage.   Sabin dives off the top of the cage onto Beer Money as the Impact Zone explodes.   Then, to end what was clearly the match of the night, Storm accidentally hits Roode with the beer bottle, allowing the Guns to nail their neckbreaker/frogsplash combo for the win.   The MCMG get the win to stay alive, for now, but Beer Money still leads the series 2-1.

After that, we have Matt Morgan coming to the ring using Mr. Anderson’s theme music.   The Blueprint’s mockery continues as he mimics Anderson’s mic pose, just to see the mic isn’t dropping.   Morgan then throws a hissy fit at the guy in the rafters who’s supposed to drop Anderson’s mic down.   Morgan goes for the pose again as the microphone, reluctantly, comes down.   Morgan then proceeds to rip off Anderson’s ring announcement.   This finally brings out the real Asshole, who confronts Morgan in the ring.   Morgan then reminds us of how he took Anderson out last week with his own trademark microphone, then offers Ken a free shot at the Blueprint.   Anderson responds by punching Morgan in the dick.   Anderson then wails on Morgan a bit, then mocks Morgan long enough for the giant to make a comeback and choke the cocky asshole with his own microphone.   Jeff Hardy then makes the save, and the Enigmatic Assholes take it to Morgan until Security has to come in to try and break it up.   Unfortunately, it seems Security would rather fight Anderson and Hardy themselves, forcing D’Lo Brown, Al Snow, and Pat Kenney to come down and break up the fight between the two security guards and the Enigmatic Assholes.

After the break, Christy Hemme catches up with Anderson and Hardy, asking them about what we had just seen.   Anderson then tells the story of two Indy Losers who’ve been trying to make it in wrestling for the past decade, and had to settle for being TNA Security (where have we seen this story before, Shane Sewell?).   So we end up getting The Enigmatic Assholes vs. TNA Security and Matt Morgan.

Our fourth match of the evening features Kazarian vs. Rob Terry, which ends in, like, a minute.   Terry nails the Freakbuster on Kaz for the win.

We then go to our fifth match of the evening, Matt Morgan and the TNA Security guys, Murphy and Gunnar vs. Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson.   Mid-way through the match, Matt Morgan walks out of the match, leaving the Indy Loser-Boys to take the fall at the hands of Hardy and Anderson.

Christy asks Hulk Hogan about the big announcement that Eric Bischoff is supposed to make later tonight.   He more or less blows her off, and then we go to, you guessed it – Eric Bischoff making the big announcement.   And what is all the hoopla about this week?   TNA’s putting on a ‘Clash of the Champions’-Style show on August 12 (a mere four days after the Hardcore Justice PPV).   Abyss decides to crash Eric’s party, threatening Bischoff and setting up the Abyss/RVD match on TNA’s “Whole F’n Show” special on August 12.   Basically, it’s a ladder match where, if you climb the ladder, you get to use that 2x4 with the nails in it that Abyss has been carrying around and calling “Janice” these past few weeks.   Bischoff makes the match, Abyss threatens Bischoff some more, and RVD makes the save, nailing Abyss with a Van Daminator.   Abyss and RVD then brawl a bit, with Abyss ultimately taking the advantage, threatening Dixie Carter as he goes along.  

This, of course, sets up the Abyss/Tommy Dreamer main event for the evening, under Hardcore Rules.   Abyss picks up the win after chokeslamming Dreamer into a bed of barbed wire.   Abyss is about to take out Dreamer with “Janice”.   Raven runs down to the ring, looking to make the save for Dreamer.   Unfortunately, Raven then bashes Tommy in the back with a steel chair, then DDTing Dreamer into said chair, setting up their match at Hardcore Justice to close the show.

This Week in Xplosion

We start off with Christy Hemme interviewing Desmond Wolfe alongside Chelsea and Magnus.   Des then goes on to whine about not being chosen to be a part of Ric Flair’s Fortune.   So, Desmond’s formed this team with Brutus Magnus because… um… they’re both young, good looking British guys, I guess.   Those were the reasons Magnus gave us, anyway.

We then hear from Generation Me, who tell us a little more about themselves, their in-ring style, and their experience as a team being an advantage for them against Team OJEY.

We then hear from Amazing Red, who talks up the X Style, his partner, Suicide, and warns Wolfe and Magnus to expect the unexpected.

We follow that up with OJ and Eric Young in the back, with a mannequin hanging upside down for some reason.   OJ laments the fact that his weirdness turns people off, then walks off.   EY then talks to the upside mannequin, asking who OJ was talking to, and if the mannequin wanted to team with them again tonight.  

Our first match of the night is Magnus (apparently, he’s dropped the “Brutus” part of his ring name) and Desmond Wolf vs. Amazing Red and Suicide.   Magnus and Wolfe win the day after Magnus trips Suicide off the top rope, allowing Wolfe and Magnus to nail a double-team Tower of London for the win.

Up next, we have Team OJEY vs. Generation Me.   This match doesn’t even have a chance to start before the hijinx ensue, as EY tags himself in off of Jeremy and tries to get into the match.   The ref has to remind EY that OJ is his partner, and the match finally seems to get moving.   EY’s confusion continues, eventually costing OJ the match as Gen Me plows him with the More Bang for Your Buck series.   The show closes with EY celebrating with Generation Me as they stare at him, dumbfounded.

This Week’s Spotlight Superstar – Madison Rayne

Maddie’s rise to power in TNA has been the entire focus of the Knockouts Division since she first won the Knockouts title at Lockdown.   Having never won a singles match in TNA up to that point, Madison Rayne has gone on to become a Career Killer, forcing would-be contenders to wager their careers in order to receive a title shot, and retiring the likes of Tara and Roxxi from TNA.   Now, though, it seems Maddie’s gotten too big for her britches, as her recent success has gone to her head, driving a wedge between her and fellow Beautiful People member, Velvet Sky, who seems to tire of Maddie’s ever-growing ego.   Meanwhile, Madison’s alliance with the mysterious biker woman who interfered on Madison’s behalf at Victory Road remains a mystery.   Most assume the biker is actually Tara, but, as for why she’s aligned with Maddie, and for what purposes, we still don’t know any of that for sure.

And that, folks, was This Week in TNA.   I’m Mike Johns, and I hope you found this all helpful.

Mike Johns, imbued with special, shameless self-promotional powers the likes of which haven't been seen since the height of DX's self-fellatious babyface run in 2006, is a contributor to WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, as well as ClubWWI.com. He also produces and records original music under the name 'SaviorSelf.07.05.98' as well as remixes and mash-ups of far more popular songs under the name 'TMJ'.

You can contact Mike via e-mail at TheMaverickMJ@yahoo.com

You can also follow him on the various Social Networking Sites.

http://www.twitter.com/themaverickmj
http://www.facebook.com/TheMaverickMJ
http://www.myspace.com/mikejohnsusaw
http://www.youtube.com/user/themaverickmj