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Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: Fallout from Sacrifice
By Fritz Stephey
 ...
This report is being written in real time, you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates. Once again, WWI Readers, it's time for TNA: iMPACT! Live, as it happens...from the tape. TNA is coming off the Sacrifice PPV in which Joe retained his title against Scott Steiner and Kaz. Roxxi La---wait...Kaz? KAZ!? Roxxi got her noggin' shaved clean bald, and there was an ultimately confusing Tag Team Tourny, in which LAX won the titles back. As we open, the entire roster is flocked around the six-sided ring (Because all official TNA meetings and the like are done in front of their live audience). Samoa Joe's music hits and he makes his way to the ring. Joe is here to offer all a big time chance. Slammiversary means...King Of The Mountain, and we ain't talking Jeff Jarrett. Joe and Cornette came to an agreement on the participants. Jimmy selects the first 4, Joe pics the last. Joe has the names from Cornette: Roode, Storm, Tomko, and...Matt Morgan. Joe says these guys haven't had their shot...and he wants tough competition. Next week we will hear Joe's selections. Booker T decides to interrupt. Whoa Whoa...how come Booker T didn't get a hook up for this event? He wants to be clear...Jimmy C picked 4 guys who haven't had title shots, but he DIDN'T pick The T? WTF! Booker wants to know why he hasn't chatted with Joe. If he isn't on Joe's list...there will be blood spilt, sucka! They break out in a brawl, but Rhino and Christian break in the ring and take Booker T out. The crowd chants TNA because...well...that's what they do. Booker isn't very appreciative of the numbers game...but, give Booker a few minutes to find some of his own lackey's. Backstage, JB and Kurt continue their week-in week-out struggling relationship. JB is down on one knee. I dunno why, but JB seems to be like...the wrestlers counselor. Angle is injured, he's gonna get black-balled out of King of the Mountain (I swear he almost said "Ring"). But, he has a speech of sorts for Karen... <Commercial Break> Backstage, Lauren is with Kaz, The Guru and Black Machismo. At Sacrifice, you worked your @$$ off Kaz...but tonight, you, Cheesemo, and The Guru have one of them fancy random X-Division Tag matches. On their way to the ring, The Rock N Rave Infection along with Johnny Devine. They are taking on the 3 I mentioned earlier in the Backstage segment. RnR take early control over Sonjay Dutt. That momentum gets lost when Johnny Devine is tagged in and runs into the corner and eats a double boot from Dutt. Hoyt is tagged in, takes some punches from Machismo, but as Jay goes for a cross-body, he's caught. Hoyt does the disturbing guitar strumming and sends Lethal flyin'. Kaz picks up the 3-count after a nasty dropkick to Lance's face. Afterwards, Machismo is on the mic, asking Val to come in. He has a little white box with him. He's on his knees...and he pops the question. He wants the wedding at Slammiversary. Her reply is "Ohhhhhhh yeeaah!". Before the <Commercial Break>, we see a short clip of what must be Chris Parks... Mike Tenay and Don West tell us there's a six man tag tonight between Joe, Christian and Rhino vs. Booker T and his two mystery partners. From there we get a "History of" video package of Abyss. It is essentially, the most depressing package, as it pretty much shows Abyss getting the s*** beat out of him. Cut to the video package we saw before the break. Abyss has apparently been in solitary confinement...a padded wall room with a straitjacket. He tells us he's doing a good job of fooling the Doc's. By the way...how does a guy in solitary confinement get a camera due to good behavior? Backstage, Lauren is with Joe and Nash. Look, 90% mental, 10% physical is the business according to Nash...It's the other way around for Joe. But hey, are we sitting in the same room, not brawling randomly? I thought so. Joe says Angle is a jealous, former champ who wishes he could have back what he used to pride himself on. We get a pretty big video package on the history of Gail/Kong...and that goes right into their match for the Knockout's, Women's, Not Diva's Title. Gail Kim moves fast, keeps sending punches and kicks, but it essentially does nothing to Kong. Gail went up top to hit a Hurricanrana, and...well...nothing, she couldn't flip Kong. ODB comes out, followed randomly by Salina's, Christy Hemme, Velvet Skye...etc. Kong is dominating as we cut to <Commercial Break> We're back and Awesome Kong is still winning. The Knockout's are still outside the ring. Gail Kim gains some momentum, but as she goes to shoulder-block Kong...well...you know...brick wall. Awesome-bomb is missed again, Kong gives a huge slam down on Gail! 1-2---NO! Kong went up top and tried flying, but Kim got out of the way. Gail hits Kong with 3 clotheslines! SPEAR from Kim! 1-2-NO! Another near-fall for Kong, and she's enraged. Senton off the top rope from Kim, but ONLY a 2-count again. Siad was about to interfere, but ODB pulls her off the apron. The Knockouts break out as Gail Kim hits a dropkick to the face. As Kim goes up top, Love shoves her off the top rope, and Kim lands direct on her knee. Awesome-Bomb, and your winner, and STILL champion, Awesome Kong. After the match, Gail Kim sits in pain in the ring as ODB and other face-knockouts stick around to help her out. ODB even offers her a swig from her flask. <Commercial Break> Earlier tonight, we heard Kurt said he prepared a speech Que the "History of" video package! They actually did a hilarious, soap-opera spoof this time around. Kurt makes his way to the ring with a handful of balloons. For the record, Karen didn't kick HIM out...SHE left him. He wrote an apology letter...and injured his neck, and wants compassion from the crowd. The jist of his speech, is that Karen needs to get her priorities straight. For Kurt, it's: 1. TNA World Title 2. His Olympic Gold Medal 3. The Kids 4. Karen Angle (Technical tie since she takes care of the kids). So next week, he wants Karen to be here. It then cuts to commercial...comes back, and goes back to a commercial. Gotta love it...and to think it's not even live. <Commercial Break> Backstage, JB is with LAX, who are partying hard. They're the champs, the revolution moves on, A lot of fast talking english-slurring into Spanish, and such. The Motor City Machine Guns have a non-title match against LAX...right now! Homicide and Alex Shelly will start off the contest. They start off with the technical stuff, working around arm-locks, flips and suck, and then we get into some brawling. Dropkick from Sabin to Hernandez sending him off the ring apron. Hern is tagged in and flies in with a double-clothesline on the Guns. He chucks Sabin across the ring and goes for the Border Toss, but Sabin pops out of nowhere with an enziguri! Homicide with a dropkick to Shelly! 5150 from Homicide with help from Hernandez, and they pick up the win. I think the ring announcer announced they were still the champs despite this being a non-title contest. Backstage JB is with Booker T...who is hanging around with the likes of Team 3D. There's no problem with Booker T, the 5-time, Five-Time, Fyve Tyme, 5 Time, Five Time WCW Champ! Booker T's partners tonight are Team 3D! Devon says both he and Ray were anxious to jump on board and help set examples. <Commercial Break> Video package of Eric Young searching for Elvis Presley. Another video package of Tenay interviewing a face-paintless Sting, and they talk about his start...including a Jim Hellwig reference. Backstage, Lauren is with the wonder-twins, Skye and Love. They weren't being cold, beeotch! Holler! Roxxi is ugly, we didn't shave her head...and it's not their fault she isn't one of the beautiful people. They're disgusted by Lauren's human qualities of compassion, and call her a Barbie Wanna-be (Oh so chicks who aren't hailed as hot as your are Barbie Wanna-be's? And...and you're not? And did you both just say "Holler" in unison?) The Beautiful people make their way to the ring. They're taking on ODB and a bald Roxxi. The Crowd (and JohnnyCraze) are well behind Roxxi. She had earlier control, but the Barbie Doll's keep control. ODB is in an attacks with dropkicks all around. Angelina Love picks up the three count after Velvet kicked ODB over. Backstage, Cage and Rhino are with Lauren. Christian, who I think is face now despite wearing his heel tee, is wondering why everyone thought Booker T was a good guy. Cage himself has known for a long time, and the world will soon know...that Booker T is a piece of s***. <Commercial Break> It's time for the MAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT, or as TNA calls it...the Featured Contest. Team 3D and Booker T will face Christian, Rhino and Samoa Joe. Devon and Joe will start off the match. Joe is shoved into the corner and receives a double beat-down from 3D. Elbow, big boot to Devon's face from Joe. Christian dives from the top to the outside and takes out Brother Ray! Every team member is brawling around outside. Ray and Christian are in the crowd, and Ray shoves Hector Guerrera at the Spanish Broadcasting booth. We are back from the break, order has been restored and the action is back in the ring. Big leg drop from Devon on Rhino. Nice neck-breaker from Brother Ray to Rhino, but it'll only grab a 2-count. Booker is tagged in and plants his boot in Rhino's face. Team 3D and Booker keep taggin' around, getting some moves in...until Rhino slams Ray with a spine buster! Ray tags in Devon, Rhino tags in Joe! Joe clears house, and he and Booker T start going at it. 3D beats down on Joe, Booker sends Rhino out of the ring and persue's him. Snap-slam from Joe on Devon, and he picks up the win! Directly after the match, Brother Ray and Devon grab Hector Guerrera! They beat him down by the LAX entrance. They send him in the wall, and Booker T holds back Cage, Rhino and Joe with a steel chair! They finally flank Booker off, but it's too late. Damage is done. And that...was iMPACT! Overall this was a solid episode, felt pretty fresh aside from a few segments that they could just ditch. Nothing to complain about on the match front, and they really didn't even have confusion story wise either. Solid stuff. That's it for me. I thank you for reading the report, whether you did live as it was updated or afterwards! As always, comments, criticisms, general feedback is appreciated.
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