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Impact
Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: Samoa Joe's 4 Picks
By Fritz Stephey
May 22, 2008 - 11:03 PM

This report is being written in real time, you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates.

Hello WWI.com readers, and Happy Indy IV day! It's time again for TNA: iMPACT! Last week, Jim Cornette selected four King of the Mountain match participants; Awesome Kong retained the Knockouts Championship against Gail Kim; Eric Young went down south (Or in the case of the iMPACT! Zone...up north); and Team 3D beat up Hector Guerrero. Think all of that is insane? Well, buckle your seatbelt, and get ready to CROSS the LINE (For the sake of crossing the line).

As we open, Brother Ray makes his way to the ring. They bring up last weeks replay where Team 3D beat up Hector Guerrero. He is taking on Homicide. Both men are flyin' solo (probably not for long). Homicide immediately chargers at Ray, sending 5 billion punches to the face, then getting shoved off. He repeats this process twice, but Ray hits him with an elbow and a big boot. Brother Ray goes up top as screams that this is for Hector! He flies off and lands flat on his ass. Homicide hits triple-clotheslines, but Ray doesn't go down. Homicide goes up top, and hits a hurricanrana! Gringo-stunner, but Devon runs in and smacks Cide with a kendo-stick. He GETS THE TABLE, but Hernandez runs in. As Hernandez tries to go for a border-toss on Brother D, Booker T comes in and gives the control back to Team 3D. They send Homicide through the table.

Backstage, JB is with Karen Angle. He's having a joygasm, happy Karen and Kurt are back together. Karen tells him to expect the unexpected (...but honestly, how can it be expected if it's unexpected?). Riasha Siade hands JB a note...it reads $25,000 to wrestle fans.

<Commercial Break>

Back from the break, we get a video package from The Beautiful People. The jist of it was...exactly the same as their backstage segment last week. Lauren is backstage with ODB. She hates bleach blonde hair, big fake boobies and such ( So, she's a lesbian ). Hell, she even asks Lauren to touch hers. To Miss Angelina...ODB is gonna take her flask, turn that summb*tch sideways, and shove it between yours.

And up next is ODB vs. Angelina love. ODB started the match off by spitting her magic drink in Love's face. Angie gives her a big boot. 3 Big clotheslines from the Dirty B*tch, followed by a side-slam and a 2-count. Velvet Skye hits ODB with her own flask, and Love picks up the 3-count. They have hair trimmers! But Roxxi runs out and breaks them off. The two temporarily overpower Laveuax, but she gives one a big boot and the other a spinebuster! Roxxi grabs the clippers and goes to clip Angelina Love, but Rudy Charles, Sr. Referee grabs them away. Roxxi gives him the Voodoo-Drop.

<Commercial Break>

 Promo for Slammiversary and the King of the Mountain match. Following the package, Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring, with Kevin Nash. Last week, JC gave his 4 picks...and now Joe and Nash, after hours of debate, finally have signled out 4 names.
#1. AJ Styles
#2. Rhino
#3. Christian Cage
and the final...
#4. Booker T

Kevin Nash is a bit pissed. How can he watch your back if he isn't in the match?  Nash doesn't like free-will. When the machine breaks down, we break down...Nash exits the ring. Backstage, JB is with Kurt Angle. Kurt is happy...JB follows into the bathroom, and Kurt is with a friend, MMA fighter Frank Trigg ( special thanks to ThinkSoJoe). Awkward...

<commercial break>

 Back from da break. Last week, Black Machismo proposed to SoCal Val...and she said yes. Backstage, they're excited for their Slammiversary wedding...and the Rock N Rave Infection are auditioning to be the Band. They break in "Society Box", and Christy lip syncs...but SoCal, The Guru and Cheezemo is on to them.

We get another video package of Abyss locked up in solitary confinement. He's an addict, he's Chris Parks...but he's STILL Abyss. He says he's going home.

 We're back from a short break. Backstage (a word I use all to often), Lauren is with Double R. Robert is kinda pissed it took Cornette this long to realize Roode's greatness. It pays to be Roode, you can...gasp... BANK ON IT !

Roode makes his way to the ring. He's taking on the Genetically Jacked, Athletically Stacked, Matt Morgan. Roode hits a chop-block on the back of Morgan's leg. He then turns his attention on the leg. Roode goes for a couple of springboard punches, Matt holds him off, but Roode goes back to work on that leg. Matt Morgan pulls a Hulk Hogan, eating all the punches Roode gives and turning them into pure energy. Double M sends Double R head first into the corner. Earl Hebner tells Matt to chill, and Matt gets in Earl's face. Roode uses the ropes for leverage and picks up the 3-count.

<Commercial Break>

Back from the break, and we have another video package from Eric Young and the search for Elvis Presley! He runs into a man named Kenny, who tells him Elvis is dead. Eric doesn't buy into the conspiracy theories, though. The search shall continue.

We also get another edition of "As The Angles Turn". If you missed last week, their history is presented in a soap-opera fashion, music and all. The sad thing? It works...

And with that, Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring. It's his honor and privilege to welcome out his beautiful, till-death-do-us-part wife, Karen Angle.

Kurt is happy to see that the priorities are back where they belong. Title first, you last. Karen is upset. Kurt tells her to put down the Dr. Phil sentiments...get real, girl. Karen says she's here tonight to get a Divorce! Kurt doesn't like the D word. Kurt can change! Give him a chance! She says she's heard him say it a thousand times. Kurt assumes she and AJ have an affair going on. She says they're just friends...and AJ gets her. Kurt is down on his knees. He wants a second chance...do it for the kids! Karen drops her Mic and leaves the ring. She walks away, and Kurt goes into a cry-fest, reminiscent of a time when...they did the exact same thing, only replace AJ with Joe.

<Commercial Break>

JB is backstage with Awesome Kong and Siad. JB isn't happy about the money challenge. What's with this, challenging the fans? JB won't participate in this. It's cool, though. Siad has waivers, releasing TNA from responsibility.

Video Package of how Petey Williams came to be Lil' Petey Pump, and his opponent at Slammiversary...Kaz. Backstage, Lauren is with The Prince of Phenomenal. Kurt thinks you're messin' with Karen, Tomko's pissed you team with Super Eric, but other than that, how are ya, Styles? Tomko comes up, and AJ is fed up. AJ does what AJ wants to do. Screw Tomko, screw Angle...

<Comm. Break>

We continue an interview that began last week (I think) with Sting. Sting says Jeff Jarrett is missed, and mentions Jim Hellwig again.

In the middle of the ring, JB is out, with the King of the Mountain match set-up. He goes through the rules and operation of the match. We are having the second qualifying match, which includes...

Awesome Kong interrupts. JB reiterates his original posistion. He's playing NO part, it's a bad idea, uh-uh, no way...Siad demands he issue's the challenge, or Kong will destroy him. JB has the consent forms...and he offers the challenge. Are there any 18 year old or older women who want to accept the challenge. A fit chick accepts the challenge.

<Commercial Break>

 We're back and ready to start this match. Melissa from PA is taking on Awesome Kong for a chance to win 25 thousand big ones. Need I say, squash city. With the snap of an awesome-bomb...TNA retains $25,000.

Lauren is backstage with Team 3D. Ray says they got screwed because of Hector Guerrero. They did what they do best, beat the crap out of people, and leave them in their own blood. Who's next? AJ Styles...watch your back, you're facing Booker T. He is the most decorated champ of all time, in a sh*tty locker room with no carpet. WTF, TNA?

<Commercial Break>

We're back with the MAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT, your TNA: iMPACT! featured contest, which also happens to be a KOTM Qualifier. Booker T is facing The Prince of Phenomenal, AJ Styles. He tossed his crown at the entrance away. The two will start with a lock-up, and will break it off quickly. Booker unleashes forearms to the back and knees to the stomach. He takes AJ to the corner with a chop, followed by a knee. AJ sends back a huge chop, whips Booker to the corner and hits a flying forearm. He sends Booker into another corner, goes for the flying forearm smash again, but Booker dodges. After a slam, Booker slaps on a chin lock, AJ powers out, but Booker hits him with a spin kick. Booker wraps his knee arounds AJ's face, and stretches his arm back. AJ gets verticle, gets some strikes in, but Booker keeps control. AJ hits a dropkick out of nowhere! Springboard flying forearm from Styles, but only a 2-count! AJ jumped to the top rope but Tomko tripped him up Book-end, and 1-2-3, Booker T is your winner.

After the match, Tomko is face-to-face with AJ. AJ shoves him out of the way. We cut to

<commercial break>

We're back and AJ and Tomko are brawling. Team 3D run in to add to the fun. Tomko wraps a chain around his hand, and buries that same hand into AJs head. Booker takes out Earl Hebner, and the 4-on-1 beat down continues. Booker T super kicks AJ. Brother Ray buries his fist into AJ's forehead a few times, Karen Angle runs out! She comes out and covers the bloodied body of Styles. Brother Ray picks her up, and Karen slaps him across the face. She's sent outside the ring, and runs off. The beat down on AJ continues. Kurt's out, with a chair! As he holds off Team 3D, T and Tomko, they tell him to turn around. He sees Karen huddled over AJ. Kurt's pissed. The bloody and dazed AJ gets to his knees, and Kurt gives him a nasty chair shot. Kurt picks AJ up by the head, and tells Karen it's all her fault.

And that...was iMPACT! This time around, it felt a little too backstage/promo/video package heavy. Most of the matches had decent length and weren't all throwaways. It was hard to coast through it though. That's it for me. As always, thank you for reading the report, whether you did live as it was updated or afterwards! Comments, criticisms, feedback, questions and the like are always welcome. Cya next week.




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