World Wrestling Insanity: Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: The First after Slammiversary

Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: The First after Slammiversary

By Fritz Stephey
Jun 12, 2008 - 11:08 PM

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This report is being written in real time, you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates.

Welcome WWI readers, to another round of TNA: iMPACT! It is the fa---uhh I mean...it's the...the first show that they taped after the PPV. At that very PPV, Petey Williams retained the X-Division Title ( ...you forgot they still had one, didn't you?); LAX retained the Tag Titles against Team 3D ( ...how many times have they fought?); and Samoa Joe retained the World Title against Booker T, Robert Roode, Rhino and Christian Cage in the KOTM Match.

As we open, Tenay informs us Angle will face AJ in a lumberjack match tonight ( Just to spite the buying PPV audience ). Our opening contest...is Kaz vs. Joe for the TNA World Title. I'm...kinda shocked. The bell rings the two dance around and finally lock-up in the middle of the ring. A couple of arm-twists and side headlocks are shared between the two, a ton of move dodging and a failed sunset-flip from Kaz. Joe dropped a leg across Kaz, and followed up by chucking him into the corner. Joe plants some rights and takes Kaz out with a clothesline. He goes for a pin, only grabs two and Kaz rolls into a crucifix style pin, only getting a 2-count. Big knee to the gut from Joe. Springboard elbow smash from Kaz, followed by a dropkick. Snap slam from Joe, but he'll only grab 2! He follows up with a powerbomb, but STILL only 2. STF locked on from Joe, but Kaz gets to the ropes! Kaz fights out of the muscle-buster, slams Joe down...and ONLY a 2! Shoulder-block from Kaz, he goes for a DDT, but Joe goes for a Muscle-Buster and nails it! 1-2-3, and your winner and still champion, Samoa Joe! As Joe celebrates, Booker T slowly walks out...and we cut to

<Commercial Break Numero Uno>

Booker T congradulates Joe, but he lays it out straight. No one gives two sh*ts about you, punk @$$. You screwed T at Slammiversary...were it not for Nash, Booker would be wearing gold. And what's up with you and Nash ( Oh...so they're a gay couple?). Joe, honestly, can you say you've beat a real man? Booker says his Locker Room door will be open...since he doesn't have a door. Can you dig that, SUCKA!?

Backstage Lauren is with Kurt Angle. Kurt reveals that he is straight up sexist. You know why you're here, Lauren? Because, TV for Men likes Hot Women. Kurt says he isn't the only TNA Official to hate Karen...he has a crew ready to take her out. He says he envisions her laying on her back with that dumb Styles...tonight is your last night in TNA...it'a damn real.

<Commercial Break>

We're back and backstage, JB is with...Daivari!!! Daivy-boy is Captain of Team International. Daivari speaks entirely in jiberrish, but TNA out-does WWE by providing subtitles...unfortunately...I didn't read them. He talked about the other teams and captains though. After the short segment, Raishi Siad shows up to tell us more blood will be spilt in the name of Kong.

We're having some Team Action up next as Team Japan members Doi & Yoshino. Alex Shelly starts off the match against Doi. These guys are moving about as fast as a VCR can play in FF. I'm literally...I've never been this confused or wigged out before...Yoshino slaps on an octopus submission hold on Shelley, and then a double team breaks off the hold. A lot of double-team action is happening, and it's very speedy. Alex Shelley sends Yoshino outside the ring and trips Doi face-first into the bottom turnbuckle! Sabin works out both men alone as Shelley recovers in the corner. Sabin with a springboard clothesline, and Sabin and Shelley double-clothesline each other , missing Yoshino. Missle Dropkick to the FACE of Shelley! Ouch. Double kick from the Guns and they pick up the 3 count.

Backstage, JB is with Karen Angle. Karen ain't scarred of Kurt. She knows the REAL Kurt...and hey JB, you can get to him. The Beautiful People run in. They hear Karen is making more than most of the Knockouts...and they don't like that. They place the brown bag of shame over her head, until AJ comes out to set things straight. Hey, Beautiful People...tell Kurt if he wants to get to Karen, he needs to get through Styles.

<Commercial break>

Backstage Lauren is with Kevin Nash. She asks why controversy seems to follow Nash. In the words of a certain former head of a wrestling company, Nash says that's where the $$ are. Samoa Joe comes to the iMPACT! zone with a mic and calls Nash out. You've got something to say? Say it to this Samoan's face! Nash comes out.

Nash says this stuff should be done in private. Joe says if it needs to be said to him, it can be said in front of the audience. Nash tells Joe he may not wanna hear what he has to say. You know why you're champ? ME! Did I get a thanks? NO! Joe says Nash is riding off his success. Riding your coattails? I'm KEVIN NASH! I hate to say it, but you CAN'T BEAT Booker T! Joe tells Nash to take his opinions, shine 'em up real nice and shove it up his nWo lovin' @$$.

<Commercial Break>

Backstage *signs*, JB is looking for his boyfriend, Kurt Angle. In a dark room, Kurt, Steiner, Williams and the chick that follow them around...

It's time for some Tag Team Title Action! James Storm and Robert Roode are taking on LAX. Rob and Homicide will start off the match. Homicide reverses a hip-toss. Roode belts him in the face and tags in Storm. Homicide was giving Storm 10-punches, but Roode grabbed him by the head and drug his throat across the top rope. Jaqie has a leather strap and is randomly choking out Homicide when the ref gets distracted in various ways. Spinning heel kick from Storm, and he goes for the pin, but will only pick up 2. Hernandez is tagged in, and he chucks Storm across the ring, and slams Roode to the mat. He grabs a two count, and is broken off by Storm. Hernandez sends James outside the ring, but he leaps up on the apron and kicks Hernan square in the back of the head. Roode went for the Pay-Off but Hernandez reverses and slammed him face-first. Jaq handed Storm the strap, and he belts it around his boot, buckle on the bottom. Super Kick to Hernandez! Storm and Roode win and are the NEW TNA Tag Team Champions!

<Commercial Break>

Over the break, The Referee restarted the match! Apparently Hector Guerrero did enough convincing to the ref. Hernanzdez grabs Storm mid-flight and Power-Bombs him! 1-2-3, and the REAL winners and STILL Tag Team Champs, LAX! Following the match, Roode hits Hernandez, Homicide and Guerrero with a steel chair. Roode and Storm hancuff Homicide and Hernandez in the corner. Storm grabbed a belt from a fan at ringside, and they stripped the ref of his belt, and begin wailing on both the LAX members. They also beat the Referee and Hector. Roode and Storm hold up the Titles with nasty smirks on their faces.

Backstage Gail Kim and ODB are having a beating of their own against Velvet Sky and Angelina Love.

Velvet Sky makes her way to the ring, and catching her on the blindside is Gail Kim! Velvet won't let it stay outside the ring, she manages to take it to the 6-sided-ring. Big dropkicks from Gail. Big chop to the chest, but she'll get a rake to her eyes. Velvet drags Kim's injured leg across the post and slams it against the steel. Gail seems unaffected, until she tries to springboard off the ropes. It's a no go, and Velvet slaps on a Figure-4. Gail rolls over, reversing the lock, but Sky will get to the ropes. 2 Clotheslines and a takedown from Kim, followed up by a boot to the gut. Gail goes high-risk, and Velvet runs out of the way and Kim hits solid mat. Velvet grabs the bag-o-shame and goes to dawn it over Kim's face. Gail gives her a big kick to the face. Gail picks up the win, and dawns the paper bag over Sky's face.

We look back to the previous Tag Team Title match and the beatdown on LAX. Lauren is backstage with Roode and James Storm. They want LAX to retaliate. You can't beat us. We've got the money and we've got the beer! Consider this a drive-by! Sorry 'bout your damn luck!

<Commercial break >

We're back and with another World X-Cup preview. Representing Team International, The Russian Alex Koslov (sp?). He's taking on Curry Man! While Curry has some mad moves, I gotta say, the shakey, zoom-in zoom-out cam can be head-ache inducing. Alex starts off with an arm-lock, but Curry flips around, sends him down and grabs a 1-count. Alex dances a Russian jig, Curry Man does his own dance and trips down Koslov. Nice big snap-slam from Alex, who slips out onto the apron. He springboards into the ring, onto his feet as Curry Man dodges. Springboard splash! Koslov picks up the win!

Backstage JB is with Sonjay Dutt. Dutt, you ruined the wedding, what do you have to say? No comment. As he walks off, Joe approaches Booker T. Booker respects Joe...and the road to Victory, leads through Booker T's home turf. Joe tosses Book his keys. You're right...it does smell like Rat Piss in here...use my locker room, I won't be needing it anymore.

Our next match is pitting The Guru Sonjay Dutt against...well wait, he's got something to say. He dedicates this match to Val, his one true love. After he wins, all Val has to do is kiss him to seal the deal. He will be taking on Consequences Creed. Side head-lock from Creed into a shoulder-block. Sonjay gets back up, blows a kiss to the cam and then continues to get beat up by Creed. Consequences flys off the middle rope and splashes down on Dutt. Springboard Missle Dropkick from Dutt! He slaps on a reverse chin-lock. Consequences hit a HUGE clothesline in the corner. Sonjay hits a low blow kick, and goes up top. Hindu-Press, 1-2-3...and your winner is Sonjay Dutt. Black Machismo, dressed up as Jay Lethal, rushes in a takes Dutt out. he grabs the Mic and screams that he's gonna take on Dutt next week. For a solid 30 seconds almost, he wasn't Black Machismo. Then he ends it off with an "Ohhhhhh Yeah!".

<Commercial Break>

We're back and it's time for our Maaaaaain Event! MMA Fighter and Kurt Angle Friend Frank Trigg is on commentary, a ton of guys are out to be lumberjacks and Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring. He is taking on AJ Styles. This last shot of the ring proves me wrong it appears the lumberjacks are Team 3D and Tomko (The Heels) and Christian, Rhino and Matt Morgan (The Faces). AJ gives Kurt a few hip-tosses, and Angle slips out of the ring. Christian, Rhino and Morgan take a few hits and throw Kurt back into the ring. Angle charges towards AJ and AJ sends him outside again. They both reverse hip-tosses, and AJ springboards back into the ring with a fore-arm smash.

AJ gets sent outside, but AJ dodges every lumberjacks swings and gets back into the ring quick. Styles dodges a dropkick from Angle. Big dropkick from AJ! He goes for a pin but only grabs 2, as Brother Ray trips the ref up. Kurt flings AJ outside, and The Lumberjacks unleash on him. The 6 lumberjacks fight each other, and Team 3D give the 3D to Rhino outside!

<Commercial break>

We're back and Kurt gives AJ a german suplex followed by a 2-count. Big flying forearm in the corner from AJ! AJ ALMOST picked up a 3-count. AJ reverses the Olympic Slam into an arm drag! AJ hits a type of power-bomb but grabs another close 2-count! AJ rolls up Angle, but the ref is distrated! Angle chucks AJ into Brother Ray who clocks him, and Angle nails the Olympic Slam . 1-2-3, your winner, Kurt Angle.

A mass beatdown on AJ Styles and Christian Cage commences. Matt Morgan is nowhere to be found and Rhino was taken out by the 3D outside the ring. Two tables are set in the ring. Oh, I found Matt Morgan...Devon is choking him with his boot. Abyss comes out! He gives everyone clotheslines, and chokeslams Tomko through one of the tables. Pele from Styles to Angle!!! AJ sets up a table, and goes up top! He leaps off and Angle slides off the table! Angle slaps on the Ankle Lock, but Karen Angle runs out! She dares Kurt to hit her! He gives an evil smirk as Awesome Kong's music plays.

Karen tries to run out, but Kong grabs her. Kurt gives her the thumbs up, thumbs down! Kong clocks Karen out. Kurt lays Karen and AJs body side-by side...and we fade to black.

All in All...better than the usual iMPACT! We had some dare I say, pretty good-to-awesome matches. The MCMGs taking on Team Japan was just...mind blowing fast and too hard to call while typing. Definitely it was worth watching...and if you happened to TiVo it, I'd say fire away at least for The Title matches and Tag World Cup Preview match.

That's it for me! As always, thanks for reading the report, whether you did live or afterwards. Feedback is welcome, appreciated, and encouraged. You can reach me on the message boards here, on my FaceBook or you can E-Mail Me. Also, keep your eyes peeled, as you never know when I could have another article going up. Thanks again and have a good weekend!