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Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: Slammiwha?sry
By Fritz Stephey
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This report is being written in real time, you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates.
Welcome a-gayne WWI readers. TNA: iMPACT! is coming at you, pre-taped from the same location it's always at. Last week, AJ Styles AND Christian Cage got the ever-living sh*t beat out of them; Christian and Rhino both won their matches an advanced to Sunday's King Of The Mountain Match; Eric Young was still looking for Elvis Presley, and Awesome Kong ate an audience member. Tonight is the last iMPACT! before Slammiversary, so sit back, relax, pick up your favorite mind-altering beverage ( For me...that'd be an AMP)...and get ready to Cross The Line. TNA decides to drop us right in the action with a KOTM Preview match, pitting Booker T and Robert Roode together vs. Christian Cage and Rhino. Roode and Rhino will kick off the match. Rhino blocks a hip-toss and nails a clothesline. Christian tagged in, and he gives Roode some chops. Booker's in and delivers some forarms to Christian's face. Double-suplex from Roode and T. Cage nails an inverted-DDT and tags in Rhino. Flying clothesline from Rhino to Booker. Big spine buster from Rhino, but it grabs only 2. Rhino dodges the Axe-Kick and nails the GORE! As he goes for the pin...Team 3D hit up the iMPACT! zone and throw the match. AJ Styles runs out to break off Team 3D, hits a double-clothesline and Christian and Rhino come to and fight off the Brother's. Styles grabs the Mic. He hopes that soon Himself, Cage and Rhino can be on the same page. By the way, BookerRoode3D...tell Kurt Angle he's gonna get the piss beat out of him come Slammiversary. And tonight, I'm taking out Tomko. Cornette pops out of nowhere and says this "beat-down AJ" nonsense will stop. By the way AJ, your match will be 1v1, as the special enforcer is...Kevin Nash. We then turn to a video interview with JB and Samoa Joe. <commercial break> We're backstage with the Beautiful People. They're curious...where's your paper bag, Lauren? Velvet takes the mic and tells Lauren to hold up The Beautiful People's exclusive trading card over her face. They blabber on about some stupid sh*t and call Gail Kim and Roxxi "Kim Chi and Nub-head". Velvet kisses the cam and walks off. Riaesha Siade walks up and tells Lauren to tell us that Kong will sacrifice another loyal TNA fan tonight. Up next, Velvet Sky vs. One Dirty, as Angelina called her, Butch...in a street fight. ODB ditched her flask for a spit cup, apparently. She chucks it in Velvet's face, and chases her outside around the ring. They take it to the crowd, and Velvet dodges a run from ODB, who smashes into the wall. ODB took a fans drink, chugged some and chucked the rest at Sky. ODB grabbed a crowd sign and folded it and slapped Velvet ( Yeah, paper cuts!!!). Fall-away slam from ODB...but Angelina jumps up to cause a distraction. ODB takes her out and manages to grab a 3-count on Velvet. As she celebrates her victory, Angelina takes her out from behind. Roxxi runs out and takes out the Beautiful People, as well as Gail Kim. Some random chick comes in and t-bone's Roxxi, and finishes off Gail Kim. From there, we go to Jay Lethal's bachelor party, with a stone drunk Jeremy Borash ( Who probably hasn't had a drop of the beer he's holding). Sonjay Dutt has something to tell him...but uh...well, he ain't gonna say until Sunday. James Storm makes a brief apperance, and shouts "Free Beer! and passes out. BG James offers some marriage advice, and Shark Boy beers the room. <Commercial Break> We're back, with another video package from Eric Young in his search for Elvis Presley. It features him in various places near Graceland and him talking to an Elvis statue. Cross the Line? *coughs*morelikesnorttheline*coughs* From there we go into Interview: Pt. 3 with Sting. He talks about his respect for Ric Flair, and talk about his ( ...Ric Flair's...y'know, just so I don't get your hopes up thinking Sting did, or something) recent retirement. <Commercial Break> Back from the break, the KOTM participants talk about the match...in video package format. It's the perfect segway for the next match, an X-Division KOTM Match...winner gets a title shot next iMPACT! Curry Man vs. Johnny Devine vs. Chris Sabin vs. Kaz vs. Jimmy Rave. Kaz flips Devine out of the ring, while Sabin works on Curry Man. Sabin suicide dives outside to Jimmy Rave. Johnny Devine moonsaults off the penalty box onto Kaz and Sabin! <Comm. Break> Sometime over the break, 2 ladders came into play. Rave has the X, but Sabin jumps to the top rope and knocks down Rave and the ladder. Sabin gets a pin and is now eligible to hang the X above the ring. Rave gets into the penalty box as Sabin ascends the ladder. Kaz grabs the other ladder and chucks it at Sabin. Sabin clocks Kaz with the X and sets up the ladder. Both Kaz and Sabin are on ladders. They're both off and Kaz sends Sabin face first into the ladder. Johnny Devine hits a DDT on Curry Man and hits him with a suplex onto a ladder. <Another Commercial Break> As we come back, Curry Man takes out Rave and Devin (as well as himself) with a huge 3-story suplex. Kaz and Sabin are fighting on the penalty box. Kaz leaps off and hits a Cross-Body on Curry Man. Devine tried ramming Kaz off with a ladder, but Kaz kicked it into his face. Kaz gets a pin on Rave, and Devine rolls him up immediately after. Both men are eligible for hanging the X, but Kaz AND Rave must go to the penalty box ( insert your own gay joke here ). Curry Man rolls up Devine and grabs a 3-count. All the participants are eligible now, and Devine heads to the Penalty box. Curry-Man has 15 seconds ALONE while Kaz and Rave are still in the box! He won't get it off as Kaz immediately rushes out and knocks him off. Kaz hangs the X and wins! Another video package for KOTM with the particpants talking about their favorite KOTM Match, and discussing the champ, Samoa Joe. Awesome Kong makes her way to the ring, and again it is time for her to feast upon a weak, loyal TNA viewer. JB announces, just like the past two weeks, $25,000 on the line for any female over the age of 18 who think they can defeat Awesome Kong. They actually get 3 chicks (whom were all pointed out by the cam during JBs announcement). JB even says he recognizes them! They have Daffney ! In fact, SHE is taking on Kong! <Commercial break> We're back and Daffney is taking on Awesome Kong. Kong picked her up by the hair and chucked her across the ring. Daffney dodges a shot from Kong and got a few in, but Kong keeps control. She bent Daff across her neck and then chucked her to the mat. They're outside the ring, and Kong grabs her by the legs and chucks her into the guardrail! They're both back in the ring. Awesome-bomb, and Daffney suffers as they others . Video from Abyss...he's in solitary confinement...they've given him a camera...they're gonna let him go. 3-more days... Backstage Lauren is with Kevin Nash. Santa is sitting down with a baseball bat. Lauren asks what his plans for Slammiversary are...which brings in a jumpy Samoa Joe. Nash says he needs to take care of his investment. Joe asks how he pays off...Nash is tired. All he's done is what's best for Joe's career. Come on Joe, Lesson #9. Get Paranoid, lose the belt. Nash hands Joe the bat and turns around. He tells Joe if he has a problem, take a frickin' swing. We're back at Jay Lethal's bachelor party. Sonjay has a major announcement! He has telegrams! The first one is from KoKo B. Ware. The second, George The Animal Steele. The third, Kamala! By the way, they got a stripper...Kip James. Shark Boy vomits in a nearby plant... Lance Hoyt makes his way to the ring for a 6-man tag match. His partners are The "Mega-Star" Kip James and James Storm. They are taking on Matt Morgan, and LAX! Homicide bear hugs Storm, 'Cide tags in, gives Kip a "suck It" and slams his elbow into Storm's back. Big kick from Storm, but he grabs only a 2-count. Double-clothesline from Homicide and Storm. Matt Morgan is tagged in and he takes out everybody. Side-slam on James Storm, twists Kip James arm and goes Undertaker-Old School from the top-rope. Hoyt hits a moonsault on Matt, but walks into Hernandez. LAX dive outside to take out Hoyt and James Storm! Morgan lifts Kip up, spins him around and slams him down face-first. Matt Morgan picks up the three count and the win for himself and LAX. Backstage, JB is with Maple-Leaf Muscle and Scott Steiner. Scott wonders what the hell Kaz has done. JB mentions he won the Terror Dome match. Bah to that Circus Act, says Scott ( We agree, Steiner ). JB tells Petey we're out of time. Williams grabs the Mic and shoves JB out of the way. He says as long as the camera rolls and he's in front of it, people have to listen to him. We then immediately cut to <Commercial break> Back from the break, we have via satellite, Kurt and Karen Angle (in seperate locations). Kurt says he's the victim. He's spent a whole load of money on her, and has provided the genes for 2 b-e-a-utiful children. Karen says she's thankful for all that, but she wanted HIM the most, and she wanted love! Kurt says love is a tricky word. He loves her, but he loves his career to. Karen says he loves his job more than his family. Kurt is still oblivious...and hell, you cheated on him with AJ ( *gasp* you hussy!) . Tenay asks Kurt if he has proof of that, and Kurt tells him to but-out, and accuses Mike of sleeping with Karen. Backstage JB is with AJ Styles. AJ says he's done. Screw you, Kurt. I've gotta say, while I hate the Kurt/Karen love story...AJ is actually promo-ing his ass off. Back to the last night bachelor party vids, Ace Young (The American Idol reject) was partying hard and brought special guest: Cake ( w/ Christy Hemme inside...how come I can't get THAT!? ). Another gift to Lethal was from ODB...a box with a Snake. They claim Jake The Snake will be at the wedding. It's time for the Main Event, and out first is special enforcer Kevin Nash. Tomko will be taking on AJ Styles. AJ immediately flips outside the ring onto Tomko! He rips off his vest and continues the beat on Tomko. He sends him into the broadcast table and finally sends him into the ring. Big knee to the face from AJ! Tomko shoves Styles across the ring, but the Phenomenal one leaps back to keep him down. Tomko sends AJ to the outside, and we get... A <Commercial break> As we return, Tomko hits a big boot, but AJ hits a perfect dropkick. During the break, Nash broke off Tomko's illegal hold. AJ hits Tomko with a flying forearm. He goes for the Clash but Robert Roode runs out...but nash takes care of him. Tomko catches AJ off-guard, but will only grab a 2-count. Booker T runs out but Nash takes care of him too. Pelé!!! AJ follows up with a frogsplash and picks up the win! Booker T runs in with a chair and takes out Nash. Tomko and Booker beatdown on AJ, but Christian and Rhino run in to break them off, followed by Team 3D followed by LAX! Samoa Joe finishes up the run-ins! Joe punches Booker T and sets up a chair shot from nash to Booker. T ducks and Nash clocks Joe! We end with a music video preview for Slammiversary. All in All...this show had some good matches. It still keeps up with ridiculous segments like Jay Lethal's bachelor party, and don't even get me started on this complete waste of time for Eric Young's search for Elvis. That, and constant run-ins keep this show from being Overall a "Good" outing. Tonight we had solid matches surrounded by mostly nonsensical backstage segments or video packages. That does it for me. As always, thank you for reading the iMPACT! report and, comments, suggestions, the like are always welcome and encouraged. If you need to reach me, I'm always on the boards here, or on my FaceBook, or you can get me via E-Mail. Keep your eyes peeled, as I do have a few articles coming up within the next week, too! Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Sylvester
Terkay
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2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not
affiliated with any wrestling promotion.
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