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Fritz Stephey's Real Time TNA Impact Report: A Non-Punk Organization
By Fritz Stephey
 ...
This report is being written in real time, and brought to you by the Big Rig AMP Fritz is drinking (Enough to keep you awake and sway your sanity to the point where you may thoroughly enjoy this show), you may need to hit refresh in order to see the latest updates. Thank You! (Apologies for any and all hyperness...I can quit anytime)
LAST WEEK: The Beautful People threw a bag on Karen Angle; My internet crapped out and the real-time was majorly delayed (Comcast sucks and STILL is sucking, so if I unexpectedly go out midway, sit tight and I apologize); Team 3D powerbombed Christian through a table...of GLASS!; Kevin Nash lost a match to Booker T. Yes, Nash wrestled...it was horrifying. Right out of the gate we are greeted by AJ Styles accompanied by Karen "The Cheating Whore" Angle. AJ grabs the mic: Last week? Too far. You want some, you'll get some! The one thing I care about? This chick right here...she shouldn't be scared to death coming to work. Angle, get yo' ass out here! Team 3D responds...that's certainly no Kurt Angle. Look at the Happy Couple, D-Von, saith the Ray. Kurt Angle isn't here AJ...he's out banging $2 dollar whores! Blind-date style! Kin kay bastard! Karen is a soap opera bimbo...she's the problem...and so are you AJ...because you sleep with a married women ( ...is AJ not married?). AJ saith "Payback is a bitch... just like Karen" (ok so I added in that last part). Ray says AJ has a promising career but she's the only bitch here! AJ loses it and takes out Team 3D. Unfortunately for AJ...it's a numbers game, and they toss him outside. Every so often AJ fights out, but ends up at the mercy due to the 2-on-1-ness. 3D on AJ in the middle of the ring, and Ray demands a table! A table is set...and RHINO charges out with a steel chair and Team 3D bails. Rhino is not impressed with 3Ds efforts...they tried to take himself out...that didn't happen! Tried killing off Christian...but he'll be here for the PPV. Guess what, Rhino and Christian love Tables...Ladders...and Chairs! Rhino is calling for a full metal mayhem match at Victory Road. At VR it'll be Team 3D with Kurt Angle taking on Christian, Rhino and AJ Styles! We, the fans, get to pick the stipulation (It's just like WWE Cyber Sunday...only even more obvious). We go to a video package of...ugh...Kurt Angle's blind dates that Team 3D set up. JB is following Kurt with a Sony Handicam. At the gym, Angle runs into his first date, Tiffany...she is...um...well, I won't say. I won't sleep for weeks, though. <Commercial Break> We're back with a promo from LAX and Hector Guerrera! He's ranting, with all 3 members in the background rambling...and something about fans and whips and beer and beating dogs ( Didn't Michael Vick go to jail for beating dogs?). Good shit. Sorry 'bout your Damn Luck, though...because Robert "I'm Rich, Bitch" Roode and James "That Damn Good" Storm, make their way to the ring with Jaquelin "Ain't got no last name so I won't give her a nickname". This AMP is making me feel GOOD people! James tells Hector to shut the hell up because he can't understand what he's saying (Right on man!), and he isn't even drunk (...I technically am...seeings how I'm sensitive to all that shtuff in energy drinks). All while James is talking, Hector and LAX still ramble. The MCMG make their way to the ring. In case you didn't know, they're facing Roode/Storm. Shelly and James start the match off. A big kick to the face from Alex, and he tags in Sabin. Nice double-team move from the guns, and Shelly is the legal man again. Elbow drop followed up by a strike from Sabin and Roode gets shoved off the apron. Sabin stands on the middle rope and Storm trips him up. Big kick to the back of the head of Sabin from Storm! OUCH! Big knee to the face on Roode as he was trying to suplex Chris. Failed sliced bread attempt from Shelly, and he gets a backstabber/cracker/whtever isn't copyright infringement from Rob Roode! Shelley picks up the 3-count and win for the MCMG! Afterwards, Roode and Storm cuff the MCMGs to the ring corners and whip the living shnot outta 'em. They said before the match that this would be a preview for LAX! As security and TNA officials run it to help, Roode and Storm whip them and even whip Don WEST! They even beat down TNAs ring announcer! Jim Cornette runs out and tells them if they whip anyone else they're DONE! Jim says he's gonna find the most pissed off TNA wrestlers on the roster to fight off Team Beer Money ( That shouldn't be too hard right?) <Commercial Break> We're back with another Kurt Angle bliiiiiiiind date! This time, the chick is...a man. Holy shit, that was hilarious...in that "why the hell did I just watch that" sorta way. It's time for a TNA Knockout Bimbo Brawl, featuring Moose and Roxxi! With the shaved head, Roxxi looks like a chick who'd kick your ass. Unfortunately, she's getting hers pwned by this freak. Head first into the steel steps, choked by a hockey-stick...but Roxxi turns things around and sends Moose head first through the shopping cart. The crowd thinks "She's Hardcore". Roxxi then takes 9 billion shots from 2 cookie sheets. She still ain't down though, she grabs this dead end sign and cracks it over Moose's head. Roxxi follows up with a nasty hit with the hockey stick! Roxxi wedges the chair inbetween the ropes in the corner, and then runs face first into the steel chair (...in slow motion). Big slam face first onto the sign from Moose, and she wins the match...somewhere JohnnyCraze weaps... Backstage, JimmyC is in talks with Kevin Nash to give Storm and Roode a whippin'. Nash will do it...but Jimmy...you owe me. BIG! Just out of curiosity, who is my partner, JC? Samoa Joe...Have fun tellin' him, Jimmy. <Commercial Break> Backstage, Cornette is talking with Samoa Joe...he asks for Joe to beat the shnot outta Storm and Roode. Joe thinks it's all on his own until Jimmy says it's a tag match. Joe asks who, and Jimmy tries brushing it off. Joe ain't happy. WHAT is your problem, Jimmy? Me and Nash? We're NOTHING! We're FINISHED! It's OVER! JC plays the "Boss" card...get to stepping, punk... We then get a video package on the history of Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash. <Commercial Break> We're back with another Angle Blind Date. Kurt was with an actual woman this time...She constantly gets up in the middle of Kurt's history lesson on himself. She does so 4 or 5 times. Kurt speculates she's going to the bathroom to vomit. She explains, she has a serious medical condition...spastic colon *slaps forhead, hangs head in shame as he hears Kurt Angle says things like "Poppie Pants" and such* In the middle of the laughter, JB says "Can you believe that...Ray got you 3 times..." Angle is PISSED and on his way to the iMPACT! Zone! Up next is a 2nd Round World X-Cup Match...Team International's Alex Koslov (accompanied by leader Daivari) makes his way to the ring. He is taking on Team Mexico's Rey Bucanero (sp?). A lot of these guys...are f***kin' fast! OUCH! Bucanero drops Koslov on his neck! Senton from Rey and 1-2-3...he is your winner. Very short match...very fast, but overall just ouch and whoah. Kurt Angle has just arrived! JB informs him he will be tag partners with Team 3D at Victory Road...Kurt says he's gonna kick their ass. <Commercial Break> We're back and Kurt FRICKIN' Angle is making his way to the ring. He's angry...he hates Brother Ray...and cracks lame names for his dates. Devon and Ray make their way to the ring. Ray tries calming Kurt down. Devon accepted a challenge, Kurt...it's me, you and Devon vs. Christian, Rhino and AJ! The only issue is the fans pick the stip. The odds are against them! Did you see what we did to Christian last week? He sweet talks Angle some more...and tells him what happened with the dates. Ray lost his black book, so he pulled out Devon's little book. Ray says last night he picked up an 11 just for you...he calls her out. Sandy, get out here! An actual hot chick comes out... Ray hands Her Sexyness over to Kurt...Kurt steals some from Slic Ric's book and asks her if she wants to ride on the Olympic Medal Train, Woo Woo! One of her good qualities is being loyal...and she likes having fun. Angle turns sexist and says all women are liars, cheaters, stealers, etc. etc. She says "Screw You!". Angle calms down, apologizes...and brings out The Beautiful People. They do the dirty work and bag her. Karen Angle makes her way to the ring and takes out the beautiful people...and then slaps Kurt! Kurt and Karen are face to face...and she's surrounded by The Beautiful People, Team 3D and Kurt! Rhino, AJ, ODB and Gail Kim storm the ring for the mass-face save. <Commercial Break> We're back(stage) with Booker T and his pimped out Locker Room. It was essentially the same thing as last week...only JBs robe was silk instead of suede. And of course, they talked about Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash. <Commercial Break> We have another video package of Matt Morgan in which WWE was ultimately bashed for misusing him. It's time for another World's X-Cup Second Round Match. Team Japan's mumbly face with an invisible dog makes his way to the ring. He is taking on an awesome feller from Japan...Curry Man. Big drop kick from Curry. Big back body drop from the man! Clothesline from CurryMan. Big kick from the other Japan man. BIG kick to the face...ouch and 1/2. Milano picks up the 3-count, though, and finally gets on the scoreboard. Backstage, Lauren is with Roode and Storm. Beer Money says they aren't out of line whipping everyone. BEER MONEY!!!! <Comm Brake> Raisha Siade is fighting Taylor...I don't care. If Taylor wins, she'll get to fight Kong next week. She indeed DOES pick up the win and yeah. Next week, her/Kong, $25,000 and the Championship. <Comm Brake II> We're back and with another Gail Kim/Angelina Love hate-fest package. Sorry 'bout your damn luck! Beer Money make their way out...Big Sexy makes his way out...and finally Joe comes out. Nash and Roode will start this match off. Poke to the eys from Roode...and he corners Big Sexy. Side slam from Nash and an "Oh SHIT!" from Robert. Joe blind tags in and nails Roode with an elbow to the back. Big kick from Joe to Storm in the corner. A Pefect time for our final <Commercial Break> And we're back with Roode working over Samoa Joe. Over the break, it seems Rob caught Joe off-guard and tripped him on the ring apron. Big leg drop from James Storm, followed by a 2-count. Jaquelin hands Roode some handcuffs but Joe has the Rear-Naked-Choke locked on! Front suplex from Joe, tries going for a muscle-buster, kicks him for good measure and nails the muscle buster! 1-2-3, Joe picks up the win for him and Nash. Nash and Joe aren't into celebrating...they stare each other down...and STING comes out! Sting is up in the rafters...and we fade to black. Decent...TNA treaded back to the usual iMPACT! formula though of waste time, show a stupid segment, and constantly feature Kurt Angle. And hey...my internet didn't crap out until the very end! WOO! Happy 4th of July to all ya'll, and keep your eyes open for my Audio Show, Episode 2! Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Sylvester
Terkay
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All content contained here Copyright
2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not
affiliated with any wrestling promotion.
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