Impact
TNAaron Wood's Impact: Styles & Tomko...Cage & Nash...Then Team 3D...And Then That Survivor Guy...
By TNAaron Wood
Mar 14, 2008 - 5:58 AM

LAST WEEK ON IMPACT: They took 15 minutes to explain the new Main Event stipulation but 2 minutes to explain a new one in a midcard match, they had a Battle Royal with no pinfalls and the Number One Contender was beaten by the Number One Lackey once again...

THIS WEEK…
We start the show with the usual dose of "Most of the PPV finishes to the point where buying any sort of replay is redundant", with the usual highfalutin' stuff that wouldn't be out of place on some sort of Lord Of The Rings film. Hell, even the font they use seems taken straight from it! There's no other way to put it. It's poncey, somewhat arrogant and entirely unnecessary. It didn't even really tell us anything. Just a bunch of spots.

You know, I think that this takes care of Joe's problem better than Joe did...
They sent it to Jim Cornette in the ring, and he was there to announce the "Double Main Event" for Lockdown. The first one was the match we knew. Kurt Angle defending against Samoa Joe. But the other Main Event? Well, it would be in the steel cage (No, Cornette made a point of this, even though the whole concept of the show is for the matches to be in a cage. It should really be taken as read) and have two teams of four. It was, of course, the Lethal Lockdown match. And who would the team captains be? Well, first, it would be Christian Cage. He duly came out to the ring. Before anything else, he introduced the other captain, Tomko.

Cornette ran over their rules. They were both getting 2 weeks to name their teams. That would be March 27th, which Cornette called the "Biggest night in Impact history". Thing is, he didn't say WHY! It's the "Man advantage" thing again, isn't it??? Hell, at this point in time, going to WWE.com would literally tell more about March 27th than Cornette did here. Anyway, may the best team win. Jimbo asked if there were any questions. Cage said he didn't have any questions per se, but this was the first time he and Tomko had come face to face since Tomko screwed him over. Don West for some inexplicable reason said "He still can't let it go...". You know, as if Cage didn't have any right to be a bitch about it.

Anyway, Cage said that Tomko had come far. He was his own man now. He pointed out that Joe choked him out at the PPV and at Lockdown, Cage would take him out for the last time. Cage then said Tomko can think he's his own man, but he's still a lapdog, just not Cage's anymore, but Kurt Angle's. SPEAK THE TRUTH, BROTHER! Cage called Tomko a "jacked-up, tattooed bald-headed *bleep*". They started a brawl. Cage got the upper-hand until AJ Styles ran in. Then Kevin Nash RAN (No, really! He ran as fast as his knees could make him! It was a sight to behold!) in to make the save.

Now, you see, this is where I now have a problem with Samoa Joe and his storyline reasoning. He said he wanted his title shot to be at Lockdown because he knew he had to take out Angle's boys to ensure a clean fight, thusly why the six man tag was made in the first place, and then once he did that, it would definitely be one on one at Lockdown. Thing is, not only did Joe clearly do nothing to take out either Tomko or AJ at Destination X, but Cornette booked Tomko (and thus his tag partner AJ) into the Lethal Lockdown match which is likely to do them more harm anyway than Joe did, but will likely be right before the title match, so they'd have little recover to make any recovery and interfere. Plus, IT'S A CAGE MATCH. The point is to keep people out. When WWE are booking Cage matches for that reason when it's Vince vs. Hornswaggle but TNA can't for Joe vs. Angle, then TNA have problems. Now, you see, if Joe had said "I want Angle at Lockdown so it'd just be the 2 of us in the cage and I want a six man tag at Destination X, so I can soften up Angle while Christian gets his revenge on Tomko & AJ, then I could definitely get on board with that thinking. Hell, the stupid-ass "man advantage" thing that ended up meaning zero when Tomko was actually IN CONTROL for a major portion of the five minutes his team were short-handed would have some logic, with Angle hiding away so to take less of a beating.

Anyway, I digress. They sent it TO THE BACK~! where they saw Karen arriving. Borash caught up with her, asking what her bombshell was. She said she would respect the fact Kurt has a match, but once he had finished, she'd confront him in-front of everyone.

After the break, Tenay told us that Petey Williams and Curry Man in a "Lockdown qualifying match"...WHAT FOR?!?!?! We went TO THE BACK~! where Crystal was with the roid-monkeys and Rhaka Khan. Crystal brought up Steiner's hint of an "initiation". Steiner told her to shut up so he could say that he wanted to clear up the confusion over the cases. He owned them both, and he could demand a title shot at either belt whenever he wanted. I had genuinely forgotten about that stuff. IT'S STILL F***ING GOING!!!!!! Anyway, Steiner said he controls the title picture. He told Petey he had to bring something to the table and thus had to beat Curry man and qualify for the X-scape match at Lockdown (Oh man, when Steiner is explaining what's going on better than the announcers, you have MAJOR problems) and then on his own, he could be X Division Champion. Petey said that if they were going to co-exist, they should share. Such as Petey being given the X Division case. Petey could picture it. Steiner as TNA Champ and him as X Champ. Steiner wondered why he would do that? Nothing was free in the world. He told Petey to forget about it, as his initiation was coming, depending on how well he did later.

Curry Man def. Petey Williams in a "So does "initiation" mean "ass banditry"?" match
We saw the Survivor geek at ringside again, before Petey came out to the ring with Rhaka Khan. Then it was time for the seizure-inducing Curry Man entrance. Petey posed while Curry Man danced. Curry Man telegraphed a Petey log roll to stand on him and dance, before sending Williams out to the apron. Curry Man grabbed a headlock, but Williams sent Curry Man out, before slingshotting out and hitting a headscissors. Back in the ring, Williams hit the slingshot Codebreaker on Curry Man for a 2 count. Backbreaker was followed up by a neckbreaker by Petey, scoring a 2 count once again. Williams got a snapmare, putting on a chinlock.

Curry Man got back to his feet and out the hold, but was taken over into the 619 position, with Williams landing a dropkick to the back. Williams went for a tilt-a-whirl move of some sort, but it was countered into a dropkick by Curry Man. Earl Hebner started a 10 count. They both got up, as Curry Man began to build momentum, hitting a big clothesline. Curry Man set Williams up in the ropes and hit the hip bump to Petey's back. Curry Man went up and hit a crossbody, but naturally, Rhaka Khan was on the apron discussing the major topics of the day with Earl Hebner. Curry Man got fed up waiting, before blocking a charge. However, Curry Man ran into Petey who set for the Canadian destroyer. Curry Man shoved Petey into Khan, hitting a Northern Lights Suplex to get the three count.

----------
6.5/10 - Yeah, this was perfectly decent stuff. Can't go wrong with Daniels and Petey really. The idea of what Steiner has in mind for Williams disturbs me though...
----------

Afterwards, Scott Steiner made his way out with a pair of handcuffs and a hood! He called Petey over and cuffed him, before putting the hood on his head and leading him away. This was far too homoerotic for it's own good.

They sent it to JB who was with Jim Cornette. He brought up what had happened earlier, sarcastically suggesting that Cornette was having another night with "everything in control". Cornette said he knew what Cage wanted, so tonight it'd be a tag team match as long as Cage could find a tag partner. Team 3D walked in. They suggested Cornette shoot himself. Cornette asked if they had a gun with them. Ray said that they wanted to say something. They were there to let him know what they were going to do before they did it, since no-one could stop them. Ray bemoaned the Machine Guns making the weight stip and then how "a jobber with an identity crisis, who drunk clam juice and thought he was a bald-headed ass kicker" could make that match on Sunday. And now it's reality stars trying to steal 3D's thunder. So if they see any Machine Gun tonight, they'd be head. If they saw the "retarded guppy", he'd be dead. If they saw the guy with the "crappy curry on his head, dancing like a moron", He’s dead too. And if there were any reality stars running around, they'd be dead too. Indeed, Cornette should consider himself lucky, since the only people they weren't after would be "washed up managers of old tag team wrestlers". Lou Albano's safe for another night then...

After the break, they sent it to a package on the history of Samoa Joe in TNA. Man, Joe as he was then compared to as he is now...Aaron sad...

Didn't Joe say something similar last time he was this close to the title? And look what happened then!
And speaking of guys named Joseph from Samoa, Joe came out to the ring. Hell, he was wearing a suit! he said that in a month, he'd get something he's been after for the last three years. A square-go at the TNA Title. But with opportunity comes risk. But more of that in a second. He had shout-outs! Kevin Nash was thanked. He said it took man to know when was wrong and he was wrong about Nash. Nash taught him a hard lesson and then taught him about playing the game. He then thanked the fans. And you know, I think the pop could have been louder. Much louder. When the world said he was too violent, the fans said "Joe's Gonna Kill You". Have to say, I've not heard that in a while... He told Angle that he'd do anything to win the title. He was hunting for Angle. He then reiterated his point form earlier saying that if Angle somehow managed to win, Joe wouldn't be in the Impact ring again. That's why he came out, because the next time they saw him, he'd be Champion. He again thanked the fans, said something quickly in Samoan and ended it there. So if the next time the Impact Zone sees him, he'll be champion, is he going to be off TV until the PPV? Surely that's a piss-poor way to build up your challenger???

After the break, we went to the back with Crystal who was with Christian Cage in the Locker Room, as he hunted for a partner for tonight. They came across Rhino. Cage understood that Rhino hadn't answered his voicemails, but he said he preached to anyone who'd listen that you had to face up to your problems. But that's something he didn't do with Rhino, so he wanted to talk. Rhino didn't care what he had to say and walked away.

Black Reign & Rellik def. The Motor City Machine Guns in a "Boy, is the IWC gonna be pissed at this one???" match
Rellik & Black Reign made their way to the ring, as they brought up Super Eric. And then the MCMG came out. Now, I know they're being punished for whatever lame reason it is, but does that mean they have to get new and utterly lame music which rips off the older, better theme? Jesus H. Gucci, it was poor. As the MCMG posed in the corners, the heels attacked. Sabin & Reign fought on the outside as Rellik worked over Shelley in the ring. Shelley fired back with a Codebreaker, but Reign clubbed him from behind allowing Rellik to hit his slingshot faceplant as we took a break.

When we returned, we saw Shelley laid out with Reign beside him. Shelley was snapmared over, and Rellik took the tag. Rellik kicked Sabin off the apron before picking Shelley up. However, Shelley wriggled out and hit a DDT/STO combo on both opponents. Shelley was able to get across and tag in Chris Sabin. Sabin came in with a springboard dropkick before a tilt-a-whirl headscissors on Rellik. Rellik hit an enziguri on Rellik, before they teamed up with shots to Rellik ands Rellik. They hit a double kick on Rellik, but Rellik broke up the pin. Shelley charged at Reign in the corner, but Reign avoided it and went out the ring. Black Reign gave Sabin Snake Eyes in the corner before Rellik hit a stiff clothesline for the three count.

----------
3/10 - Pretty much as much of a squash match as a tag team match can be. And then when the MCMG can't put away these two jokers, ERIC YOUNG comes out gets rid of them in quick time.
----------

After the match, Black Reign got the mic and said with Eric Young wanted to play games and pretend to be a super hero, they were there right now, so why doesn't he come out now? Eric made his way out in his superhero get-up and he sent both "monsters" out of the ring.

We went backstage with Borash & AJ Styles. They were outside Karen's locker room. Borash let AJ in. They hugged as AJ said he couldn't get in touch with her. She said she had stuff to sort out. AJ wondered what it was. She said it would be unfair to tell him before she told Kurt. AJ was in abject confusion, but she told him to trust her. She left as Tomko walked in. He told AJ to get his head out his ass. AJ claimed he was fine, but Tomko got angry saying he wasn't fine, tossing the crown off AJ's head and told him to get his head in the game.

Kurt Angle def. Kaz in a "Hang on, didn't they split up last time Joe was Number One Contender? LOOK OUT, JOE!!!" match
Kaz made his way out to the ring, as Tenay claimed he could recall every aspect of the last time Kaz faced Kurt Angle. Personally, all I remember is that TNA took a guy they could have made a new star with and do nothing with him other than feuding with Black Reign over a rat. When Kurt came out, we saw Karen watching backstage as we took a break.

The bell rang as we came back. Kurt grabbed Kaz's arm, but Kaz worked his way out of it and indeed, reversed it. However, Kurt got out of it and put in a couple of uppercuts. However, Kaz hit a spinning heel kick for a quick 2 count. Angle was whipped off the ropes, but telegraphed the move and grabbed Kaz, suplexing him over the top rope. Angle rolled Kaz back in and hit a vertical suplex for a 2 count. He put on a chinlock. Kaz got back up fairly rapidly and got out the hold, but Angle hit a German suplex. He got the second, but the third one saw Kaz flip out of it. They then clotheslined each other down, prompting a ten count.

They both got up. Kaz blocked punches, connecting with some of his own. Kaz then hit a couple of clotheslines before avoiding a corner charge and hitting his slingshot DDT. That scored a 2 count. Kaz reversed an Olympic Slam with an armdrag and hit a dropkick for a close 2 count! Kaz hesitated though, and Angle grabbed an ankle. However, Kaz kicked him off and hit the Wave Of The Future for another close 2 count. Kaz perched Angle on top. He went for the Flux Capacitor, but Angle shoved him off, but Kaz got back up and hit an approximation of the move. ANOTHER very close 2 count! Kaz went for "The Wave" again, but Angle twisted and turned it into the Ankle Lock. He cinched it in good, and soon Kaz had no choice but to start tapping.

----------
7/10 - It felt shorter than it could have been, but still pretty good. Plus, if what Joe said wasn't just rhetoric and we really aren't going to see him again until after Lockdown, giving Angle wins like this just makes the build worse. Not saying Angle should lose, but why build up the incumbent champion and not have Joe seen at all. I really hope Joe was just using a figure of speech.
----------

Angle got the microphone afterwards, and told Joe that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, and when it's all on the line, Angle wins every time. He said he was the best ever today. And to be the best ever, all he had to do was win at Lockdown. He told Joe to start training hard, saying Lockdown might just be his last match.

However, then Karen Angle came out, and she was here with her bombshell. She got in the ring, and Kurt wondered what in the hell she wanted to upstage him with. She got to the point of it. She wanted a SEPERATION. That's it. No Divorce. Just a separation.

Thing is...Angle said "FINE!" . He loved the idea! Karen would be off his back and he could concentrate on Joe! Then when he won at Lockdown, they could talk. He checked with her that she'd take care of the kids. Karen broke down into tears and left, much to Kurt's confusion, but then he decided to pose like it was his lucky day!

After the break, they sent to the "Rough Cut" feature with (sigh...) BG & Kip James. BG said he was fired from "the other company" for Drug use. He went through rehab when Jarrett gave him the call. Kip said he just had enough "in New York", so when TNA came calling, he jumped at it. BG said when he heard Kip was coming, he was torn. He was happy doing what he was doing and what they did in the past was a tough act to follow, and it just added to the pressure. Kip said the old chemistry was both there and not there, because he was with others. BG said that them being paired back up was forced upon him. Again, this was far better than it had any right to be. And still I'm confused as to the pussy-footing around the term "WWE".

Backstage The Rock & Rave Infection were with Crystal. They did their schtick before Christy sang "We Are The Champions" and Rave told Quiet riot they were going down...

The Rock & Rave Infection & Christy Hemme def. LAX & Salinas in a "Well, someone had to rip off Jeff Jarrett. He's been off TV so long..." match
The heels came out first and again they did their schtick, before the new Number One Contenders came out. I don't know if he wore it at the PPV, but Hernandez was poncho-ed up to the nines. Tenay pointed out that LAZ hadn't been champs in a year. Homicide and Rave started out with Cide hitting Rave with a suplex for a quick 2 count. He then hit a spinning back elbow for another quick 2 count. Rave hit a jawbreaker and then a leg sweep, before tagging in Hoyt as we took a break.

We came back with Rave coming back in to take on Homicide, but Cide fired back with a T-Bone suplex and the hot tag to Hernandez. Hernandez ran wild on both opponents, before he scored a 2 count on Rave with Hoyt breaking it up. He sent Hoyt outside before taking a dive over the top onto him. Homicide went for the Gringo Killer, but Rave got out of it and tagged in Christy. The ref backed Homicide up where Salinas tagged in. Homicide dived out onto Rave, while the ladies fought. Salinas hit a reverse DDT, but it only scored a 2 count. Hoyt slid in his guitar and while the ref chatted with Lance, Christy smacked Salinas in the back with the weapon for the three count.

----------
5/10 - A big ol' "Meh" for me, and while it was Christy pinning Salinas, why did LAX, the supposed new Number One Contenders to the Tag Titles, have to lose at all?
----------

We sent it to Jay Lethal and So Cal Val's date. And they went to...UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! Boy, what imagination! Lethal won Val a bear before he started refusing to go on rides since they reminded him of old wrestlers. They then ran into Sonjay Dutt, who seemed to be running a booth. He took Val off to show her around, leaving Lethal bemused.

We then went to the back where Team Pron~! were in the middle of giving Roxxi a makeover. Thing is, it was all really just a pretence to beat her up. A brawl of awesomely bad proportions followed as Team Pron~! beat up the Voodoo Queen, smearing her face in make up. I suppose that's the official heel turn.

Don West completely ignored what had just happened before sending it to a break, further teasing who Cage would turn to.

We came back to a promo video for Lethal Lockdown, and they were, get this, selling it as being FAR MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE SCAFFOLD MATCH!!! Way to make the piece of crap we had to sit through on Sunday even more meaningless.

We saw Borash with Gail Kim & ODB. He suggested that Gail was being put on the backburner since she was facing Velvet Sky. She dismissed that and said she wasn't going to stop until she won the title back. Indeed, she told Kong to bring it on.

Gail Kim def. Velvet Sky in a "Man, people really don't like Gail, do they?" match
Velvet came out with her porno buddy. And despite them having just beaten up someone else, they came out the babyface tunnel!!! Gail followed next. They circled each other before locking up. Gail grabbed a headlock, taking Sky over. They got back up where Kim transitioned into a hammerlock, but Sky grabbed the rope. She chopped Gail in the corner before having a whip reversed.

Gail hit a Japanese armdrag, but she ran into a drop toehold, choking Kim on the ropes. Snapmare saw Sky hit a low dropkick for a 1 count only. She choked away some more. Gail fought back with chops. However, she had a whip reversed and Sky hit a bulldog for a 2 count. Velvet rammed Gail's head in the corner, but a corner charge (not sure what she was actually going for) missed. Gail began to gain momentum with clotheslines and a monkey flip. The double arm neckbreaker saw Angelina Love get on the apron. However, Gail grabbed Sky and hit the Celtic Cross for the three count.

----------
5/10 - For all the pointless squashes we've seen out of Kong, this was probably more competitive than it should have been, given the circumstances. Even then, it was an average women's match.
----------

Angelina Love got in the ring looking for a fight. They began to slug it out, but Gail hit a spear. Velvet Sky joined in and they began working on Gail. The crowd half-heartedly chanted for ODB, but Gail took a powder. However, as she backed up the ramp, Awesome Kong attacked Gail from behind. Kong rolled Kim in the ring as Team Pron~! bailed. Double-hand chokeslam to Kim. However, Gail flipped out the Awesome Bomb before hitting a Codebreaker and a spear, taking the big woman off her feet!!! Raisha Saeed hit Kim in the head with the belt, allowing those 2 heels to beat her down. Saeed gave Kim a curbstomp. Kong then again went for the Awesome Bomb when ODB's music hit and she came out with a chair. The heels took their leave at this. Better late than never...

Backstage, Crystal wondered who Christian's partner would be. He was about to answer when Kevin Nash walked in. He said that he had plenty of "Diesel" in the tank. He wondered what was going on and he was getting fed up. He wanted to know what Cage was gonna do. Cage said "Where have you been all my life?" before doing the Wolfpac hand signal.

Kevin Nash & Christian Cage def. AJ Styles & Tomko by DQ in a "Please! No Survivor goons in Lethal Lockdown...PLEASE!!!!" match
We came back from break, well after West pimped a couple of dates, to see Christian Cage come out, followed by his new lover, Kevin Nash, who managed to change into his gear in double-time! I could have sworn he was wearing a vest and jeans a few minutes ago... The champs then made their out, and Tomko got even more annoyed about the crown. However, the babyfaces decided to meet them at the bottom of the ramp. Cage & Styles fought into the ring, where Cage caught AJ with a short powerbomb for a 2 count. Styles fought back and tagged Tomko in. He slammed Cage down. Tomko chopped away in the corner. AJ tagged back in and worked over Christian. However Tomko very quickly came back in. Cage fired off a couple of chops, but Tomko picked him up, looking for a powerslam. However, Cage slipped out of it and hit a reverse DDT. Kurt Angle appeared at ringside as we took another break.

We came back with AJ & Christian in the ring, with Styles in control. We saw that Angle tried to get involved, but Cornette and security got him removed, with Cage dumped out. to help the heels regain control. Tomko was tagged in, but Cage managed to fire in some chops, but Tomko hit a hard one of his own and got himself a nearfall on Cage. Cage dived to Nash's arm, but Tomko blocked him and drove him into the heel corner. Cage was put up top, but Cage hit a Tornado DDT from that position on Tomko. Cage & Tomko crawled across and tagged their partners. Nash went to work on both opponents. AJ tried a sleeper, but Nash turned it into a side slam for a 2 count. Cage low-bridged Tomko, sending him out the ring. Styles called for the Styles Clash but obviously, Nash got out of it. Jacknife was hit, followed by a Cage Frog Splash, but Tomko pulled the ref out the ring. Team 3D then ran in and attacked Nash & Cage, drawing the DQ bell.

----------
6/10 - It was OK, and it got the main point across, which was that Team 3D were making up the other 2 slots in Team Tomko.
----------

However, despite this attack, Nash & Cage seemed to get the upperhand, but eventually the numbers worked for the heels. Tomko & AJ gave Cage their double-team finisher. Team 3D when used a couple of chair on the knees of Nash. Cage tried to cover Cage's legs. They threatened to use the chairs on Cage's throat, but security rushed the ring before it could happen. All four heels raised their arms in the ring as security checked on Cage & Nash. Then we saw 3D at ringside with the Survivor geek. They pulled him over the guard rail and beat on him as the show ended.

OVERALL - 7/10 (+ 0.5 on last week) - Very decent show this week. Again, there wasn't anything that was out and out insulting. Head-scratching at worst, indeed, and probably the best show's worth of in-ring action since it went to two hours. Yeah, I said it. If they could just cut out the silliest stuff now. I mean, the thing is, Elevation X is supposed to be such a career-threatening match and yet, not only is the victor on the show once in something unrelated, but the loser isn't mentioned all night. Isn't he supposed to have taken this huge bump? Surely a medical update should be forthcoming?

Why didn't Cage to right to Nash to be his tag partner? Why in the hell would he think of Rhino first? Cage teamed with Nash on Sunday. Cage was saved by Nash at the beginning of the show. Surely, it's a no-brainer, no matter how bad Kev's knees are. And if Cage had that much of a problem teaming with Nash anyway, wouldn't he have told Kev where to go when Kev asked him?