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Yea, verily, let it be known unto all that your Empress of "Impact" brings you tonight's real-time under the greatest duress. Only my tremendous and unyielding respect for Sir James Guttman and my fellow staffers here at World Wrestling Insanity (yes, Mr. Cooley, even you) could possibly force me to continue sitting through the hellish farce that is the Hogan/Bischoff era of TNA. It murders my soul, one piece at a time. Nonetheless, I suffer, so that you, dear readers, don't have to. Does that make me like Jesus? Except with girly parts? I don't know.

Griping aside, tonight's show has something to do with Mick Foley. Will the Hardcore Legend show up? Will he be fired? Will he set someone else on fire? Will the newest "cast members" of TNA know their collective roles and shut their collective mouths? I certainly hope not!

[Joker voice/] And here we...go!

We open with a video package of still shots from "Genesis," mixed with a bit of video. AJ Styles's heel turn is the big ending of said package.

"AJ Styles....Wooooo!" is the title.

A white limo pulls up in the back. Three skankily-dressed women get out, followed by Ric Flair, followed by AJ Styles. They prepare to enter the building.

The new "Impact" intro video package has a huge amount of footage from "Genesis" in it. Hogan gets more of the intro than anyone else. Members of The Band are just behind him. No Amazing Red, Homicide, MCMG, barely any of Daniels if any. Classy, TNA. I loathe you with an unholy fiery passion of burning for what you've done to my wrestlers.

To the ring! Flair and his knockoff entrance music get some cheers. Flair says that he loves TNA, but he hates Hogan. People have asked Flair for 20 years who the next "Nature Boy" would be. Until 6 months ago, when he started watching TNA, he couldn't have said. Kurt Angle? No. Sting? No. About a month ago, he saw a young man in the ring. The great AJ "Stylin' and Profilin' " Styles will be the next "Nature Boy." So Flair had never seen or heard of AJ Styles until a month ago? Pathetic. Flair launches into a story detailing meeting a hot Southern chick in the Hard Rock Hotel. He tells it like a sex story, but reveals the woman to be Dixie Carter. She supposedly said, "Woo! You're my man!" to Flair, and gave him a contract with the amount blank. Fill in whatever amount you want, she said. So now we're talking about banging the boss and getting a blank contract in return? Classy, TNA. AJ comes to the ring on the arm of one of the three women for the limo, and he's sporting a suit. HUGE chants of "AJ! AJ!" AJ asks if anyone has a problem with what they see in the ring. It doesn't matter if they do. AJ launches into a tirade about never being given credit for TNA being "The House that AJ Styles Built." Jeff Jarrett, Samoa Joe, Sting, and so on get all the credit, when AJ was the true TNA Original, and the only Grand Slam Champion in TNA history. AJ uses the Flair introduction for himself. 

Cue Kurt Angle's music. Angle enters to great cheers. Hogan is with him. Hogan is all smiles with his microphone. Hogan announces that he has changed his mind about Angle not getting any more World Heavyweight title shots against AJ Styles. Because of Flair's interference, Angle will get another shot at AJ. Tonight. If Flair interferes, Hogan will strip AJ of the title and award it to Angle. "Brother" is said about 20 times during this promo. So now Kurt Angle stands silently by as Hogan makes him look like a complete bitch for needing to be handed another title shot? Classy, TNA.

To the back! Mick Foley throws chairs and breaks wooden things. He yells for Bischoff.

Mike Tenay and Taz run down the night's card. Ugh.

The British Invasion vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez: This is a return match from "Genesis." The Brits lost the tag team titles to Morgan and Hernandez, so the roles of champion and challenger are reversed. The number of Nasty Boys shirts on people in th efirst several rows is laughable. Looks like more than behavior is being controlled now. Morgan and Hernandez look good wearing gold, but they aren't a real tag team. The real tag teams have been shunted off into what used to be the X-Division or broken up entirely. Doug Williams and Matt Morgan start. Williams takes control early, but Morgan outpowers him with some elbows. Morgan drives Williams into the corner and hits his series of elbows. Morgan continues to thoroughly abuse Williams. Morgan goes to the outside, where Magnus beats him down. Magnus rolls Morgan back in the ring, and Williams stomps on him. Williams goes for a cover, but only gets a one-count. People start clapping in near-perfect unison and loud chants of "TNA! TNA!" when nothing of note has happened in the match almost sound planned. Hmm.... Hernandez tags in, and continues the assault on Williams. Hernandez plants Williams with a slam, but Williams kicks out at 2 1/2. While Hernandez and Williams continue, Rob Terry walks across the ramp with his "Feast or Fired" briefcase. Magnus takes it and goes to hit Hernandez with it, but misses and hits Williams. Hernandez pins Williams for the win. This was no tag team title quality match, not by a long shot. Post-match, Magnus yells at Terry. Mick Foley comes to the ring with a steel chair. He hits Magnus, then Williams with it. He DDTs Williams onto the chair. Poor Williams! Foley turns to the camera and tells Bischoff that he he'll becoming to see him later tonight.

Winners (and STILL Tag Team Champions): Matt Morgan and Hernandez  

To the phone call! Bubba the Love Sponge calls Jeff Jarrett at home. I'm not dignifying this with actually listening to it. Jarrett's sleepy and somewhat annoyed "Who is this?" was all anyone really needs to hear.

To the back! Hogan and Bischoff talk, but Kevin Nash interrupts. Nash asks if there's something they need to tell him. Hogan says that the clowning and "not working" from Hall and Waltman has to stop. Tonight, Nash will team with Eric Young. Nash is less than pleased, but agrees.

Orlando Jordan vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero: The Pope speaks with Christy Hemme backstage, referring to Orlando Jordan as "Whoopi," and listing off Whoopi Goldberg's major films. "Welcome to Orlando, Jordan. The Pope has spoken!" Awesomeness! The Pope has the greatest entrance in wrestling, period. HUGE chants for The Pope. Those are likely authentic. The Pope's left knee is heavily wrapped, and Jordan targets it straight away. Jordan slaps Pope in the face. Pope takes Jordan down and pummels him profusely. Someone in the front has a sign reading "Bubba Army." Jordan hits Pope with a Dragonscrew leg whip through the ropes. Jordan pins The Pope for the three-count. You have got to be kidding! Really??? Clean? LOTS of booing here. That was likely authentic as well.

Winner: Orlando Jordan

To the back! Christy Hemme asks Kurt Angle about his title match tonight. Angle says that it makes him sick to see what Flair has done to AJ, but AJ is a big boy who can make his own decisions. Tonight, Angle serves up some justice of his own.

Part 2 of Bubba the Love Sponge calling Jeff Jarrett. Nope. Not gonna do it. Can't make me.

To the locker room! Kevin Nash is getting ready for his match. Eric Young enters, asking whose side Nash is on. He wants to make history, not recreate it. Nash says that tonight, they'll just take care of business. When the guys get to know Young, he'll fit right in.

To the video package! We see the departure of Angelina Love, the addition of Lacey Von Botch - er, Von Erich, and Angelina's return at "Genesis," attacking The Beautiful People. Angelina faces Madison Rayne shortly.

Trailer for "The Wolfman." I really want to see this movie. I like Benecio Del Toro anyway, and he looks like a werewolf.

Part 3 of Bubba the Love Sponge calling Jeff Jarrett. Still not gonna.

To the office! Bobby Lashley has had enough of the craziness. He wants to wrestle, and forget about everything else. His heart is in wrestling, and TNA is a great company with a lot of opportunities. Bischoff thinks that Lashley's best move was to come to him without Kristal. Bischoff will talk to Hogan, and give Lashley an answer next week. Yawn.

Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love: Madison comes out alone. She mocks the crowd on her way to the ring. Angelina comes out to a generic rock-ish theme that really doesn't suit her like The Beautiful People music does. She gets a huge ovation, though, which is great. Madison gets the jump on Angelina, with a flurry of punches. The taller Angelina throws Madison down by the hair and lays into her with punches and kicks. Angelina hits a bicycle kick on Madison, and covers her for the three-count. Post-match, Angelina tears off Madison's shirt and chokes her with it. Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich attack Angelina with the Ugly Stick. Sky backs off during a staredown with Angelina, but Madison trips her up. Angelina gets beaten down.

Winner: Angelina Love

To the back! Bubba the Love Sponge interviews Scott Hall and Syxx-pac. Not gonna do it.

To the ring! Bischoff and Hogan enter to a massive roar of cheers that seems to outnumber the people in the audience. The ones in the front cheer and wave a sign or two. Remember when there used to be floods of signs in the Impact Zone? Most of the rest of the audience does nothing. Somehow, we still have deafening chants of "Hogan! Hogan!" Hogan is sick of the clowning and the paper, rock, scissors. We're not fooling around in TNA, so get out here. Hall, Nash, and Waltman enter. Hogan says that they don't work here, so get out of his building. Nash is told to talk them down. Security helps to escort them out. Sort of. Mick Foley enters from the side, calling for Bischoff. Bischoff and Hogan look concerned, and security is called. Then, Bischoff says something about Foley meeting him in his office. Ok....

To the back! Hall and Waltman refuse to leave. Nash shouts everyone down, and promises to fix everything. They agree, and leave.

The Nasty Boys vs. Kevin Nash & Eric Young: Oh, sweet merciful God! Why? Why must I watch this? Nash has new music, more suited to a face. Young sports his Global Championship title belt. Mike Tenay and Taz push the Nasty Boys as the most physically destructive tag team ever. I may retch. I don't want to follow Dixie Carter on Twitter until she pulls her head out of her anal cavity. Chants of "Let's go, Eric!" Young and Sags start. Young gets clotheslined and knocked around. Knobbs tags in, and Young gets double-teamed. Knobbs misses an elbow, and Nash tags in. Nash throws Knobbs in the corner and throws repeated knees to the expansive gut. Sags tags in, and has a go against Nash. Nash gets knocked to the floor, and Young gets double-teamed in the ring. Young gets pinned. This match was terrible. And we could have seen the Motor City Machine Guns fight Generation Me again, but clearly, the Nasty Boys equal ratings.

Winners: the Nasty Boys

To the back! As the Nasty Boys walk to the back from their match, Team 3D meets them with two chairshots to the head. As the Nastys hit the floor, Brother Ray says, "Welcome to pro wrestling." Oh, if only that were true!

To the ring! It's MISTEEEEEEEEEEEEEER Anderson. Once again, the vocal reaction seems disproportionately huge for the size of the audience and the number of audience members who aren't doing anything. Mr. Anderson didn't come to TNA because of the Twitters, e-mails, and begging him to come to TNA because they miss and love him. He came because Hogan called him and asked him to come, and promised him opportunities that he might not have had in other places. While Mr. Anderson talks, Abyss "sneaks" into the ring and stands right behind him. Actually a rather funny moment when Abyss reacts to what Anderson says. Abyss decks Anderson with a punch and goes for a Black Hole Slam, but Anderson bails out of the ring.

To the back! Abyss grovels and apologizes to Bischoff for what he just did. Bischoff if furious, and says that the fact Hogan likes Abyss is the only reason that Abyss still has a job. Bischoff returns to the office area, where several security guys hold Mick Foley. Foley says that what he has to say is for Bischoff's ears only. Bischoff agrees, and sends security away. Foley hates what Bischoff has done to his office and to his company. He will stop Bischoff by force if he has to. Bischoff is completely relaxed and smirking, as always, and closes the door. 

Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles: This is a World Heavyweight Championship title match. AJ is still heavily cheered. The boos don't sound quite right. AJ takes it to Angle right away, punching and chopping. Angle fights back with a back body drop. Back and forth action, with AJ kicking out at two twice. AJ mule kicks Angle in the groin when referee Earl Hebner can't see it. AJ goes after Angle as we cut to a commercial. When we return, Kurt is on the offensive, but AJ counters with a very stiff chop block that drops Angle. AJ follows up with a Figure Four leg lock. Angle tries to fight out of it, but AJ won't relax the hold. Angle pushes himself back and grabs the ropes. Back to his feet, Angle throws AJ down with an overhead suplex. AJ counters an Angle Slam, but can't escape a series of German suplexes. Three in all before the release. Angle gets a two-count. The straps come down. An Angle Slam is countered by a Pele. A Styles Clash is countered with an Angle Lock. AJ crawls for the ropes, but Angle drags him back to the center of the ring. AJ rolls through and counters with an ankle lock of his own. Immediately, the bell rings. AJ and Earl Hebner bail with the title, leaving Angle alone in the ring. Hogan comes to ringside, and he and Angle yell at each other. Lots of beeping happens. Angle yells that he quits, and spits on Hogan. HUUUUGE chants of "Thank you, Angle!" from the audience. Those are the only chants that seems un-tinkered-with, as the chants as soon as the match ended sounded suspiciously like "Bullshit!" Tenay and Taz wonder whether or not Hogan was involved in what just happened.

Winner (and STILL World Heavyweight Champion): AJ Styles

When we return, it's the funniest thing ever because the audience chanting has to be bleeped every few seconds. Tenay and Taz discuss whether or not Hogan was involved. Bischoff staggers down the ramp, his head bloodied and his shirt opened at the top. He shouts into a mic that Mick Foley is fired. Huge boos ensue as we fade to black.