<i>Insanity Staff Predicts 2009 Round 1:</i> Hulkamania Runs Wild on Cena, Jeff's Brotherly Stairwell Attacker Revealed, Stone Cold Mania, and That's Not Raisha Saed...That's a Man, Baby!

Insanity Staff Predicts 2009 Round 1: Hulkamania Runs Wild on Cena, Jeff's Brotherly Stairwell Attacker Revealed, Stone Cold Mania, and That's Not Raisha Saed...That's a Man, Baby!

" Predictions for 2009: In 2009 the following things will happen in wrestling.

Sadly, it's been 2 years since "He who shall not be named" did what he did. So my first prediction is unfortunate but I think that even though great steps have been taken to clean up the wrestling business, I do think that we will lose another this year. We are due for it.

John Cena is going to get injured. My gut tells me that he is coming back too quickly from these injuries and is over compensating for it in the ring and it is going to cause him to wear down faster and faster. He needs to heal up instead of rushing back to action.

Kurt Angle will return to World Wrestling Entertainment as will Christian Cage. Both will be main event talents and possibly both will be World champions.

Another ill advised Randy Orton face turn will take place. For some reason whenever he gets cheered, WWE thinks they need to turn him. They don't have to, but they will.

Sting will retire.

Ted DiBiase Jr. will get a strong, main event like push as a heel.

Chris Jericho will be World Champion again.

Samoa Joe will turn heel and be booked as a bad ass once again.

Low-Ki will sign a WWE deal.

Either American Dragon Bryan Danielson or Nigel McGuinness will sign a WWE deal.

Paul London will return to ROH.

Trish Stratus will wrestle a match.

Ric Flair will be on WWE TV (not sign a deal, but be used in an angle).

Ricky Steamboat Jr. will sign a developmental deal.

MVP will get a win and also finally get a main event level push.

A viable third wrestling promotion will start up and attempt to compete with WWE and TNA.

HHH will get a main event level push.

Sadly Jeff Hardy will get strike 3.

TNA will sign Jeff Hardy and push him to the moon.

Jeff Hardy will no show several TNA Pay Per View events.

Wrestlemania will either have another celebrity angle or Steve Austin will wrestle on the show in the main event "

- Matt Dawgs

"Christian Cage will end up in...TNA... I just get the sense that since it's gone on so long, that it's a protracted play by TNA go get one over on the WWE for getting Gail Kim. If it seemed certain he would be in WWE, why hasn't he signed already?

(As a note, the world likes to screw with me, and thusly, Christian will now almost certainly end up back in the WWE, and may I be the first to welcome him back! Please come back to Smackdown, so I can be the one to review you!)

DX will reunite for one night only in around April.

Matt Hardy will be revealed to be the one who attacked Jeff Hardy, costing him the title to Edge at No Way Out, leading to a match at Wrestlemania, possibly for the ECW if Matt still has it then.

Rey Mysterio...Bank on him.

Evan Bourne will win some sort of gold this year, be it the IC, US or ECW Title.

Jack Swagger will also win one of those 3 titles, if not something bigger.

DX will reunite for one night only in around August.

TNA will reach a record audience. It will hit the heady heights of a 1.25...

Homicide, and possibly Hernandez, will soon regret re-signing with TNA for three years...

Chris Daniels will return, get a suitcase at next year's Feast or Fired, find out he's been fired again and come back as Curry Man. You know, because it's such a hilarious in-joke.

DX will reunite for one night only around November.

Ted Dibiase Jr. to feud with Ken Kennedy about whose film is better. Match to end in a Double DQ, because they will both suck.

The MCMG will continue to be mis-used and jobbed out like no-one's business.

"The Wrestler" will win some sort of Oscar. Not the dude from Men On A Mission. One of the gold ones...."
- Aaron Wood

"AJ Styles will win the TNA World Title from Sting by pinning Jeremy Borash in a Candy-Cane-on-a-Pole match where the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad may be used as weapons, until the candy cane is acquired. Once that happens, the candy cane must be used to poke out Jeremy Borash's eyes, at which point whichever competitor (out of the 17 in the match) pins him first will become the new TNA champion. Please note: Current champion Sting will be barred from ringside.

CM Punk will become the first WWE wrestler to at one time or another hold every current title in the company - including both Women's championships. However he will lose each of them less than an hour later.

The main event of WrestleMania XXV will be Stephanie vs. Shane McMahon. WWE officials will be shocked when the ratings drop to a 15-year low during this period.

Hulk Hogan will return to the WWE ring to face John Cena. After a grueling series of booking negotiations, it will be decided that Hogan will go over clean, after delivering a devastating sneeze to the jaw. In the rematch, Cena will gain a measure of revenge when he loses to Hogan only after a brutal punch to the ankle. Hogan will be paid $750 billion per match.

Bryan Danielson will become the first-ever 2-time ROH Champion. His new catchphrase will be "I am the TWO-TIME! TWO-TIME! ROH Champion!"

J. Bastard will finally write that elusive 6th edition of Fantasy Fights.

Everyone have a safe and happy holidays and a hella good 2009!"

- Justin Ballard

"WWE will have a roller coaster year when its ratings for Raw begin to dip into the low 2s before Wrestlemania 25. To capitalize on the rising popularity of MMA, Vince will take some green kid out of FCW to become his newest star, an MMA fighter named Bobrock Lashner. The “fighter” will look nothing like his namesakes, and will get squashed by Funaki in the opening match at Wrestlemania 25 after eight crane kicks to the shins. In Vince’s mind, that will show those MMA goofs. The main event won’t be any better as John Cena nearly breaks every bone in his body just by locking up with Batista. By the summer, Cena will be back to vanquish whoever is the World champion. It doesn’t matter who, if they face Cena, they’ll probably, most likely, most definitely lose. Kurt Angle will return by Survivor Series, losing to CM Punk in the match of the year. After giving Angle one good feud, they allow him to finish up the year doing comedy bits with Big Dick Johnson.

TNA will continue to hire WWE rejects, put too many gimmick matches on their PPVs, give away gimmick matches on free TV without any promotion, have Sting go over everyone, and continue to wonder why they can’t get up to a 1.3. There will be a shimmer of hope in TNA before the end of the year. By Bound For Glory, we’ll notice that Raisha Saed’s body has gotten very masculine. We’ll find out that she is actually Vince Russo, who had a sex change so he could get close to ODB, only to find out that ODB likes men. Spurned by his/hers love interest, “Vivian” Russo will challenge ODB to a “Russo’s Remnants” On a Pole match. ODB will win, leaving Russo a woman forever (forever will be anywhere between two to five weeks).

ROH will get a TV deal by the spring, and I’ll be there to review every episode with glee. Tyler Black will become the ROH World champion at the Driven III taping at the end of the summer, ending McGuinness’ record making 23-month reign. Black will immediately lose it to his partner Jimmy Jacobs via the finger poke of doom. Fans will riot and Low Ki will return. Ki, as Cro-Magnon as ever, will destroy Jacobs and Black, taking the ROH title before going into a round robin dream series with Bryan Danielson and Austin Aries. "
- James Bullock