JG's Columns
JG's 25 Easy Ways To Get Instant Heat In The WWE Locker Room
By James Guttman
Jan 15, 2011 - 10:07 AM

There are lots of locker room rules that new WWE hires try to follow in order to endear themselves to management and fellow wrestlers. But what about the stars who don't want to? Maybe you have a bet with someone about how quickly you can get fired. Maybe you're just crazy. Well fear not. Follow this simple guide and you'll be burning up from the heat right away. Any one of these should do it, but try them all. Why not? You'll be home in no time.

- Walk around the locker room, kicking bags, and saying things like, "Move this shit. Who's shit is this? What is this? Undertaker costume? What is this shit? Dress up? Like babies? F**k this. Move so I can put my stuff down!"

- Casually say to Vince McMahon, "Oh snap. I almost forgot. I need the next two weeks off. My kid has a science project due and I said I'd help him. Plus, I have this nagging cough."

- Stand in the corner of the locker room and loudly announce that you know for a fact that the first Ultimate Warrior died. Offer to fight anyone who doesn't agree.

- At the first big group meeting you attend, wait until they turn it over to the wrestlers for questions and say, "Yeah.  When am I going to be a champion and for how long?"

- Also ask if you can have a t-shirt made as soon as possible because, "The ladies love them."

- Keep asking if anyone thinks Goldberg will show up because he's your favorite wrestler. Show them all the WCW action figure you brought with you for him to sign in case he does.

- After going over the details of your match with the road agent, shake his hand, pull him towards you, and lick his cheek.

- As fans come walking into the arena, pop your head through the curtain and loudly ask, "Anyone know where I can get some pills in this city?!"

- During a particularly loud moment in the locker room, while clutching your cell phone, scream out, "HEY! Can everyone shut up for a second?! I'm on the phone with the dirtsheets!"

- Ask other wrestlers if they think WWE would be a good stepping stone for you to get on a reality show like Big Brother. Add, "Because if you don't, I'll quit. I'll quit right now."

- The first time someone pulls a rib on you (a missing bag or something), throw yourself on the floor and violently begin thrashing about. Try to vomit on someone who gets too close.

- Wear a wire taped to your chest like in cop shows. Have it just high enough that people can see it. Lean in when you talk to them.

- Tell Triple H that you're old friends with Chyna and she wants to visit the next time WWE's in town.

- On the first day, fake an Australian accent. The second day, fake a French accent. The third day, fake a Mississippi accent. Finally, on the fourth day, stop speaking completely.

- While eating in the catering area, ask the wrestlers at your table who you should speak to if you "accidentally might have sneezed on the food when it was being brought into the building".

- The first time you clash with another wrestler over something silly like a chair or parking spot, respond by saying, "That's it! I am going to human resources! I will not stand for this! What is your wrestling license number?! WHAT IS YOUR WRESTLING LICENSE NUMBER?!"

- Say that you heard wrestlers sometimes put feces in people's bags as a rib. So, you decided to poop in about ten Tupperware containers and brought them with you on the road to save time. Take out each Tupperware piece from your backpack. Place them on the ground in a circle. For added heat, name them and give a speech about which one is your favorite.

- Ask why they call the "Gorilla Position", the table behind the curtain, that name. Just as they start explaining about Gorilla Monsoon, say, "Oh! Man! I thought it was like Doggy Style. Like a Gorilla. Ooo! Eee! Gorilla Position!" Take off your shirt and begin acting out insane things on the table while barking.

- Inform Vince McMahon on the first day that you don't like to fly because the "TSA touches your junk". Insist that he personally drive you to each show so you can bond.

- Leer at people in the shower. Keep repeating things like, "Wouldn't it be great if there was a power outage and we were all stuck in here in the dark?"

- The first time you're on live TV, grab the microphone, say that you've changed your name to Hulk Hogan Jr., the WWE is splitting into five separate factions, and begin making up other things and storylines as you go along. After the segment, go into the back and proclaim, "How awesome was that?! Who needs writers? Yeah! YEAH!"

- Ask John Cena who he is. When he tells you, say, "Oh. I stopped watching after The Rock. You one of the new guys, huh?" Pat him on the head and say, "Us rookies gotta stick together."

- When the champion brings his family to the locker room for a visit, violently clothesline his wife. Bellow, "Now you have to fight me in a title match! You have to! It's on!" Then whisper, "Just go with it. Everyone's watching."

- Get drunk and fall asleep in the backseat of Alberto Del Rio's car right before the show starts.

- Show the other wrestlers Youtube videos you made, acting out your eventual feuds using WWE Action figures. Be sure to prop up VHS tapes for a barricade around the ring.

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