JG's Retro Column: Ten Weird Things I Do Because of Wrestling

Originally published: June 23, 2005

As wrestling fans, certain things remain similar between us. We all have been affected by the business in some way. Below is a list of ten weird quirks I possess that have all been shaped by my viewing of sports entertainment. You may not have the same ones I do, but you have some. Think about it. I probably could have done more than ten, but I didn't want you to think I was a total f**kin' lunatic:

10. Every time I hear the phrase "One of a Kind," the screechy voice from Rob Van Dam's theme song screams "One of a kind" in my head.

If I'm at home and there aren't people around, I'll actually scream it out myself.

Example:

TV: Order these lovely earrings now here on QVC. These pearls are one of a kind.

Me: One of a kind!

I then proceed to hum the theme song. By the way, the same thing happens when someone says "Oh, you didn't know?"

9. I have strutted.

Actually, I've probably done a lot of struts. I'm sure I've done the Jeff Jarrett strut, Brutus Beefcake strut, Ric Flair strut, Fargo strut, and all the other struts. I'm proud to be the strut of the century.

Of course, I do it at the right times like when I'm beating someone at a board game or just downed a shot of Tequila. I don't just do it for fun. I don't strut down the street. That would be strange. People would either call the police or shoot me.

8. I've done the Hulk Hogan cupped ear thing.

You know - the thing where you listen closely for cheers. Sure, even non wrestling fans do this. However, you can tell the difference between a wrestling fan and a non-fan by the way they do it.

Non fans just cup their hand to their ear. Boring.

Wrestling fans do the whole rotating hand thing and lean into the listen, just like the Hulkster used to do. Wrestling fans also follow it up with the three classic Hogan poses - biceps up, side, and down.

7. I've dropped an elbow on every pillow I've ever owned.

In the late 90s, I started doing People's Elbows. I don't do it every day, but once in a while that pillow needs to be reminded who's boss.

6. Any time I tell someone to get something, I hear Bubba Ray Dudley in my head.

Example:

I say: "Bob, get the stapler."

In my head: "Bob...GET THE STAPLER!"

Ohhhhhh testify.

5. I watch hours of the Spanish channel's Lucha Libre block even though I speak no Spanish whatsoever.

I don't understand a word of it. Once in a while I'll recognize someone from an English speaking promotion or TNA guys will show up. For the most part though, it's a long Sunday afternoon of people screaming in Spanish. That's always fun.

My wife never understand what the hell I'm doing. She's equally amazed when I watch Japanese tapes You'd think I'd have picked up some Spanish by now. Nope. I've learned more from Eddie Guerrero promos than I have from CMLL. I'm too busy trying to figure out why there's wrestlers painted red and midgets jumping on a referee. If I spoke Spanish, it could help.

4. When I hear the name "Sting," the first person I think of Steve Borden and not the singer, like the most of the planet does. Also, when I hear "the Hardy Boys" I think of Matt and Jeff before I think of the mystery books.

3. I make references to wrestling in real life that no one gets.

I don't mean references as in I use terminology. I mean references that pop in your head like, "The guy in this movie looks like Dan Spivey." Unless you're with a wrestling fan, no one is gonna get it. Sadly, I end up keeping them all to myself.

By the way, the guy who plays Jordan on the TV show "The 4400" reminds me of Steve Blackman. Ah. Had to get that one out of my system.

2. "You're fired" isn't a Donald Trump line. It's a Vince McMahon line.

That phrase is not just a stupid hand gesture and glare. It's a full body thing. Vince damn near vibrates when he ways it. It's like growl talk. Purely amazing. Overdramatic to the point of actually being laugh out loud funny, Mac's growl-fire stays ingrained in your mind. It's much more memorable that the Donald's.

The rest of the country can jump on the Trump bandwagon, but he's not the "you're fired" guy. VKM is. Come to think of it, Mr. Spacely beats out the Donald in my book too.

1. I've given people fake stunners.

We've all done this. In the late 90s, everyone did this. You know the movement.

* You walk up to someone.

* You do a fake kick to the stomach and make a sound effect with your mouth

* You turn around, lift your arm in the air and pantomime, as if it's around your friend's head.

* You then sort of step down to one knee and make the same sound effect that you did before.

I knew people that did it when they first saw you. It was weird. I've done it to other people too. You've done it. Don't be ashamed. It's better than really giving your grandma a Stone Cold Stunner.

Grandma! What? I see...old people. Stunner!