JG's Columns JG's Ten Wrestlers Your Non-Wrestling Fan Girlfriend Would Hate
By James Guttman
Jan 4, 2011 - 4:07 PM
Wrestling fans like some pretty insane things. Sure, it's okay to show John Cena or Rey Mysterio to your new girlfriend, but there are some that, well, maybe you should wait a while. These are the stars that make you say, "Cool!" But would make a non-fan cringe and make your new girlfriend wonder, "What the hell is wrong with this guy?" Before we were married, my wife winced at some of these names. What names? You know, like...
Abdullah the Butcher
So yeah. When you read a list like this, it becomes a game of "When's he going to say Abdullah the Butcher?" So I did it first. Abdullah the Butcher is a star who fans never forget seeing for the first time. At a 1991 John Arezzi wrestling convention, I witnessed a grainy VHS video of Abdullah and Bruiser Brody tearing into each other like a horror movie. From forks to trash cans, it was insane. I never forgot it. Most wrestling fans have similar stories.
But bring Becky Sue back to your dorm room and show her the same VHS tape. Watch her cry and complain that you gave her nightmares. Most don't even get to the forks. They're so freaked out by his monster-like physique that they're willing to call it quits before they even make it to the match. Hell, promos like this are enough to chase her away...
Man. I am glad my name's not Tenryu.
The French Angel
The French Angel was a wrestler in the 1940s named Maurice Tillet. He suffered from agromegaly, the same disease that Andre the Giant had, and it caused his bones to grow and an uncountable pace. Unlike Andre, his growth affected many of his facial features prominently.
He left the wrestling
business, but on his death bed, a wrestler by the name of Bobby Managoff asked Tillet if he could take a plaster cast of his face. Kind of weird, but hey. Whatever. Maurice agreed and Bobby had his own French Angel face to do with it what he would. What that is? Not sure. One of the three models was sent to Patrick Kelley, a friend of Tillet's, who displayed it on his desk. It looked like this.
Still kinda weird. In a random hallway or room, displayed on a sit stand desk or some other equally random table, is the original model Bobby kept for himself. We can only guess where that may be.
Anyway, one model was sent to the York Barbell Museum, where it's rumored ot have been the model for - wait for it - Shrek. For real? For real. It's pretty crazy side by side.
Now, your new lady friend might enjoy Shrek, but probably not The French Angel. Cartoons are fun and all, but real life sometimes cuts too close to the bone. I mean, think about it. Bugs Bunny is funny, but if there really was a five foot talking rabbit in your backyard walking on his hind legs, you'd poop yourself.
The other Abdullah, Abdullah Kobayashi, is crazy. He's also named after the legendary Butcher - so, that's a pretty big pair of boob-high pants to fill. Known for his love of hardcore wrestling, the Japanese star was a huge part of Big Japan Wrestling. They even figured out how to introduce his insane style of hardcore wrestling...and eating glass in the ring...into something fun for the whole family. I kid you not. You can get...
Broken Glass Candy.Complete with this description:
Only BJW could come up with this one. Delicious edible candy that resembles broken glass. Don't worry---It won't make you bleed unless you drop it into your eye from the top of Tokyo Tower. We've all seen Abdullah Kobayashi eat glass in the ring. Trust us when we tell you this tastes much better. Should consume within 2 months of purchase.
Yup. Wait...what was that about the top of the Tokyo Tower?
Either way, Abdullah brings hardcore to a whole new level. You ever see the old videos from when they built the railroad? Well, watch this next match against Nick Gage all the way to the end and relive those memories. It's enough to make any fan hum the tune of "I've been working on the railroad", and unsuspecting non-fan, well, vomit...
The Great Antonio
The Great Antonio is like Paul Bunyan. Not just because the Croatian power lifting champion was 465 pounds and six foot four. No. Because his story reads like an unbelievable legend with questionable parts that should be fake - but aren't.
Antonio was a strongman who toured the world doing feats of strength. He also was a singer who wanted to tour with Tiny Tim. He also approached Don King about doing a boxing movie. He also was on the Tonight Show. Oh, and he also appeared in a bunch of movies. Sound like I'm making this up as I go along? No. He did all of that. Want some proof? Watch this half-crazy interview he did with Johnny Carson.
And now, heeeeeerrrrrreeee's... Crazy.
Yes, Antonio did many things...including trying to shoot on Antonio Inoki in Japan. Yeah. For those that don’t know, trying to shoot on Antonio Inoki in Japan is like going on Oprah and trying to talk over Oprah. It doesn't happen. Each shot thrown at the Great One is no-sold and met by a taunting cheer. It's when the big man tries to throw some stiff shots that he gets Inokied.
Antonio died in 2003, but not before becoming the most eccentric homeless man in Montreal. He sold postcards of himself and told people he was an alien. He also would have scared the piss out of any new girlfriend as she begged you not to go and "get the huge scary homeless guy's autograph".
There was no other like the Sheik. There are books upon books that can be written about the original madman. He made all this possible. The first time you watch the Sheik, you suddenly get it.
The things he did in the ring were insane. From biting to stabbing to fireballs...back to biting and stabbing, he gored people left and right. The 1980s documentary, "I Like To Hurt People", was a mockumentary featuring many stars of the time including the Sheik himself. I've seen the video 100 times because it was the only wrestling video they had at Pathmark. It was also the only place we had a video membership to. But, I digress...
Although Sheik's gimmick matches were legendary, what was truly legendary is that every match he was in turned into mass carnage. He didn't need to eat fire on the way to the ring to get in there and do some damage. In this match with Giant Baba, he just goes nuts.
That what he did. Watching the Sheik wrestle was like calming your dark passanger on Dexter.
If they ever made a Jos LeDuc DVD set, it would be called "Jos LeDuc: That Mother F**ker's Crazy!" Early on in his career, Jos played a lumberjack. Nothing big. The type of guy who slings pancakes without his shirt on. That sort of lumberjack. But as time wore on, he turned into the lumberjack that would kidnap you and eat your head.
One big reason that your girlfriend would hate Jos LeDuc is that he spit in the face of all those stupid "they use goat's blood" arguments with his infamous blood oath. During a feud with Jerry Lawler, Jos wanted to show how serious he was. Oh. He was serious.
LeDuc went on to work for WWF and travel the world, but ripping your arm open with a hatchet while Lance Russell spits up in his mouth kind of trumps anything else you can do.
Col. DeBeers is a racist. He hates black people. No sugar coating. No tongue-in-cheek, "You can be Harley Race's driver, Ron Simmons" things. No. He's pretty open about it.
In the late 80s, DeBeers was with the AWA and WWF was in full scale Rock-n-Wrestling mode. So the first time I switched channels to watching the American Wrestling Association, I was used to Koko B. Ware's crazy bird and George Steele's plush toy. Then I saw Col. DeBeers offer Derrick Dukes a match but only if he can paint him white upon winning. Umm...ok. Sure. Wait...what?
You know how they always say that many ECW stars had gimmicks so strong that they wouldn't have been able to be done outside of the hardcore environment of ECW? Well, Col. DeBeers is a walking ECW. When he had this moment in the UWF, Bruno Sammartino could only ask, "Can yoooo be-LEE-ve this?
So, yeah. Chances are your girlfriend would hate him. Well, unless your girlfriend is a racist. Good litmus test.
You know who Bastion Booger is. He was the insane asylum outfitted Norman the Lunatic. He was the big red pajama'd Makhan Singh. He...well, was used to wearing funny outfits by the time they tied up his torso and made him into a big gray Christmas ham named "Booger".
Adam Bomb might get credit for having the same name as a Garbage Pail Kid, but Bastion Booger was the first wrestler who actually was a Garbage Pail Kid. No explanation was ever given as to why he existed. He had no reason for being in the WWF other than to eat foot in mass quantities on camera and sit on his opponent's face....literally.
Gross. It was also hard to fake because I'm sure it smelled regardless of what the guy did. It was awful. It was horrible. It was also so memorable that even though he did only minor things, if any things, in the WWF, we still know him to this day. Then again, we're kinda screwed up in the head. The girl...maybe not so much.
One of the last holdouts from WWE's not-quite-PG-yet generation, the Boogeyman was just a freak show on wheels. The gimmick was so silly that it should have been something we could just laugh off. But Marty Wright playing it, made it more sinister than anyone else could have.
The insane singing of nursery rhymes before breaking an alarm clock over his own head made Boogey just seem over-the-top. But it was when he added a mouthful of worms to the equation that everyone turned their heads. Almost no girl can find this romantic... --
In the grand scheme of things, Boogeyman did his part for bullying. I'm sure gross little kids who eat worms during recess stopped being pestered by the big kids after this. God knows what lies in the hearts of someone who's crazy enough to eat worms. The worst part? Abdullah Kobayashi got broken glass candy but Boogeyman never spawned any gummi worms.
Hands down. Craziest sounding name ever. Necro Butcher. The mind goes so many places and none of them are good.
He's bathed in light tube glass and come back for more. All the promotions that spring to mind when you think of violence - CZW, IWA: Mid South, Juggalo Championship Wrestling - have had him on the roster. Looking like a homeless man who wants to slice you for your change, Necro takes a beating like no one's business. I can tell you about it, but you can see for yourself from this video.
See. Most of us try to avoid having things hammered into our heads. It's a rule really. No hammering my head. But Butcher keeps coming back for more. As fans, we love a good come from behind story. But we like the guy to get beaten to a bloody pulp as he makes his way there. That's why people love him. Girlfriends, not so much. Well, unless you show them this video first. Then they'll go "Awwwww" and leave you alone to enjoy the blood-letting...