JG's Columns
JG's Insanity: Brother Haha a.k.a. Hoganface on TNA's "Bad Programs"
By James Guttman
May 13, 2010 - 10:18 AM

Bob Carter:   So I don't get this.   You guys brought in this whole new crew and the ratings are falling like crazy!   What is going on there?

Dixie Carter:   Dad, I get to hang out with Hulk Hogan.

Bob:   What?   What does that have to do with anything?

Dixie:   You just don't understand wrestling.

Bob:   I understand that we're bleeding money.   What could possibly be good about that?

Dixie:   (staring directly into her dad's eyes)   I GET TO HANG OUT WITH HULK HOGAN.

Bob:   I don't…I just don't get it.

I'm ba-ack…and better than ever…

Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan enter the room.   Eric's familiar theme song is being sung…by him.

Hulk Hogan:   Hello, Mr. Bob Carter, brother.   Hello, Dixie, brother.

Dixie:   I'm not a "brother," Hulk.   Haha.

Hulk:   Of course.   I apologize.   "Brother-ette."   I don't think they have a word for a girl brother.

Bob:  Sister?

Hulk:   What?   No - Hulk.   I'm Hulk Hogan.   You know who I am.

Bob:  I know that you're the guy who's supposed to turn the company around.

Dixie: (explaining to the room) He doesn't understand why we're losing fans and money.

Eric Bischoff:   Did you tell him that we get to hang out with Hulk?

Dixie:   Yeah.

Eric:   So what's the problem?

Dixie:   He doesn't get it.

Eric:   Oh.   He just doesn't understand wrestling.   I used to have to explain this to Ted all the time.

Hulk:   I can sing about it to him.

Bob:   You sing?

Hulk:   I do everything, brother.   I'm Hulk Hogan…or, as they call me - Brother Haha.

Bob:   Brother Ha Ha?

Eric:   (excitedly tapping Dixie)   Oh!   He's gonna do "Brother Haha!"

Hulk:   Yup.   That's me.   I'm Brother Haha, better known to my freaks as "Hoganface."   Ha, ha, ha, Hoganface, ha ha, Hoganface.

Bob:   What the hell is going on?

Eric:   SILENCE!   Here we go!  A little song about your "Bad Programs."  You ever hear "Bad Romance?"  It's to the tune of that....

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Huuu….uuhhhh…ohhh
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-lk!
Bought into a bad program

Huuu….uuhhhh…ohhh
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-lk!
Bought into a bad program

Brah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Hulk-ahhh-mani-ah!
Hulk-la-ooh-la-la!
Fixing bad programs

Brah-rah-ah-ah-ah!
Hulk-ahhh-mani-ah!
Hulk-la-ooh-la-la!
Fixing bad programs

I push Rob Terry
I then push Abyss
When I see Cruiserweights
I go take a piss
I want new fans
Hate, hate, hate
I hate our fans

We give them action
Nonstop every week
Like Orlando Jordan squirting milk on his cheek
I want new fans
Fans, fans, fans,
I want new fans,
Not, Those, Lame
Jeff Jarrett fans

You know that I want to
Bring in Mr. T too
For your bad, your bad programs

I don't need Mondays
And I don't need a plan
You and me could write a bad program
I don't need ratings
Only Nash and Van Dam
You and me could write a bad program

Bro-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Bro-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Caught on a bad program

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
Bought into a bad program

Wah-rah-warr-ia-ah!
We'll work a story-ah!
I'll win, ya, ya, ya!
On your bad program

Screw Ring of Honor,
Screw fans online,
The only good ideas,
Are ones that are mine
Even if they suck
Suck, suck, suck
But they don't suck

I'll bring in Beefcake,
He's good on the stick
I mean the microphone,
I don't mean my…Ric?

Ric Flair: (running into the room) We want more fans
Fans, fans, fans
We want some fans,
Fans, fans, fans
Friggin' any fans

Hulk: You know that I took two
sides from your ring too
to help fix your bad programs

I want exposure
And Vince Russo's burned out
He and me could write some bad programs
I want the nineties
All fans want is lame matches
You and me could write some bad programs

Huuu….uuhhhh…ohhh
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-lk!
Bought into some bad programs

Huuu….uuhhhh…ohhh
Oh-oh-oooh-oh-lk!
Stuck with these bad programs

La-la-di-di-di
Buy Brooke's next CD!
Ha-Ha-ooh-la-la!
Watch my bad programs

Limp limp agin' baby
Bubba
said that bitch crazy
Punch punch Haiti baby
Work it?
Make the fans crazy
Hire back Clem and the lady
Push it
Bring back up the rating
"Mark bitch" - kiddin' baby
Screw it
Take a joke lady

I want new fans
And I want some revenge
I want new fans
I just wanna push friends!

I JUST WANNA PUSH FRIENDS!

Bob:  This is stupid.

I JUST WANNA PUSH FRIENDS!

Bob:     Get off the floor.

I JUST WANNA PUSH FAH-RIENDS!

Bob:     I'm leaving.   Do whatever you want.   It's not worth having these meetings.

Door slams.

Eric:   Told you it would work.

Dixie:   You guys are so smart.

Hulk: (smiling)   Come on, brother and brotherette.   Let's go hang out!