JG's Columns
JG's Ten Least Intimidating Wrestling Names
By James Guttman
Jan 2, 2011 - 10:10 AM

Before we even start, I  want to make it clear that this isn't a look at unintimidating people or even gimmicks.   This is just a list of names alone.   In other words, if someone came up to you and said, "Yo.   I hear that Killer Brooks is after you," and you didn't know who Killer Brooks was, you'd be pretty frightened.   But probably not so much if the name was something like...


Lucky Cannon
WWE 2010


Half man.   Half Cannon.   Light his butt and watch him shoot a giant lucky ball from his mouth.   To be honest, I have no idea what WWE was thinking with a name like this.   Even worse is that he wasn't lucky...nor was he a cannon.   He was just a regular ol' dude.   Had they called him "Average Luck Person" then perhaps they would have been closer to reality.   But alas, no.   They get our hopes up for some rabbit-foot spitting piece of artillery and all we get is Tom Zenk.




WWF 1993-1996


I didn't put Mabel on this list because he, like Kwee-wee and Adorable Adrian Adonis, had a name that was meant to be unintimidating.   Mo, on the other hand, was just the worst possible name ever.   For starters, it's the name of one of the Three Stooges.   Hell, it's the name of the most recognizable stooge!   I mean, you can name a dude "Larry" or even "Curly" and people might think it was inspired from somewhere else.   If you call someone "Mo", it's either from the stooges or an anti-gay slur.   Putting him in big purple pajamas only makes it worse.



Jimmy Wang Yang
WWE 2006-2010


Hey man.   Isn't one of your names a euphemism for "penis"?


Nah, man.   Two of my names are euphemisms for penis.




WCW, TNA 1986-Present


People are going to hate me for this one.   I know what you're thinking.   Sting means sting like a Scorpion or something.   Sure.   It also means Sting as in a bumble bee.   You know, the type of sting that doesn't doesn't do any damage unless you have an allergy.   Otherwise, there's nothing intimidating about a bee sting unless you're called "The Killer Bees" and at least that one has "Killer" in the name.   Even then...not so scary.


"Sting" is also the word doctors use when calming the nerves of a three year old about to get a shot.  


"Don't worry, this'll just sting."


So, from the age of three, we're taught that a sting is just some little wussy pain that no one should really fear - even children.   Maybe that's why Ric Flair didn't care about screwing this guy over every minute.   Maybe if his name was "Obliterate" or "Break Your Ass", the Stinger wouldn't have gotten duped so much.



Sparky Plugg
WWF 1994


Not Bob"Spark Plug" Holly, which is pretty bad too.   No.   Thurmund "Sparky" Plugg.   Why?   Well because if you disagree with something I say or write, you'd begin your explanation with, "But, Guttman..."


If Sparky did it, you'd begin with, "But, Plugg..."


Do we need more than that?




Hugh G. Rection
WCW 1999


Hey, man.   Isn't your entire name just a euphemism for penis?






The Young Pistols
WCW 1990-1992


The irony of a team like The Young Pistols, Tracy Smothers and Steve Armstrong, is that Tracy can kick your ass and you wouldn't even know it for a few years after the team ended.   There's nothing intimidating about either word in this tag team name.   Want proof?   Young means early age.   Pistol is a small gun.   So let's plug the opposites in and call them..."The Old Rifles".    Now, that kicks ass.




The Booty Man
WCW 1996-1997


This sounds like Sir Mix A lot's personal butler.   Who came up with this?   Not only is Booty the least hardcore way to refer to an ass outside of using the word "Tushie", but to put to put it in a name without specifying what booty he's looking for or what he'll do with it makes it worse.   I guess it means he's looking for booty, right?  OK fine. But from whom?   A woman?   A man?   A monkey?   What the hell?   Sadly, the slow and flamboyant strutting seemed to  answer that question and none of the answers it provided seemed to make things any better.   The only place this name might be intimidating is in prison.   Even then, I think "Bubba The Ass Scraper" might be a better choice when going for the same reaction.



The Amazing French Canadians
WCW 1998


Maybe it's me, but any tag team that sounds like they can juggle and doesn't is kind of disappointing.   Nothing amazing here.   No magic.   No backflips off elephants.   Nothing.   If these two had a balance beam and a few bowling pins, then we'd be onto something.   Instead, it was nothing more than WCW showing they didn't care about the silly things that marks make such a big deal out names...and wrestling...and money...and staying in business...





Firebreaker Chip
WCW 1991-1992


Not a firefighter.   Nah.  That's for pussies.   This is a "firebreaker".    He breaks fires.   How?   Mentally perhaps?   He really badgers the flames until they open up about past abuse or something.   At least, that's one way to look at it.


Another view could be that his name is actually "Fireplace Breaker" and he breaks people's fireplaces because he wasn't careful.   Maybe they just shortened it so it would fit on one line of the little graphic name plate as he entered the ring.   That could be it too.


Maybe he just realized that Chip is such a God-awful name for anyone who's not a chipmunk or a 1950s TV show sidekick that he figured "Firebreaker" would be so distracting no one would point it out.


Either way, he had a fire hat.   So that told you there was some sort of fire involved.   Although, I can't remember him ever being involved with a fire.   Well, until he actually got fired.


Oh wait!   Now I get it!

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