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JG's Snappy Answers to Stupid Wrestling Questions

By James Guttman
Aug 6, 2009 - 9:23 AM


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Aside from wrestling magazines, Mad Magazine was one of the publications I went out of my way to get as a kid. Also, like wrestling magazines, I can't remember the last time I bought one. One thing I remember distinctly though was the Mad feature "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." Nine times out of ten, they involved funny little pictures and someone calling someone else "Schmedrick." But they never addressed the problems wrestling fans go through. You know - The questions you get, the insane inquiries we're presented with from non-fans when they hear you follow the televised traveling carnival. Well, fear not. I'm here to help you along. Read on and never be stuck for an answer again….

Q:

You know all that stuff is fake, right?

A:

- I like fake things. You ever eat Cheese Whiz? That stuff's delicious!

- What? You mean like the breast implants?

- It's actually real. No one knows this but in 1994, wrestling became real and didn't tell anyone.

- Your mom is fake.

 

Q:

Whatever happened to Jimmy Superfly?

A:

- What do you mean "what happened to Jimmy Superfly?" I thought he was with you!

- He was eaten by a Bobby Superfrog.

- He's a Senator now. He got surgery after wrestling and goes by his new name Barbara Boxer.

- Your mom happened to Jimmy Superfly.

 

Q:
-
Does Vince McMahon own the World Wrestling Federation?

A:

- Who the hell is Vince McMahon?

- He owns the ring, but they let him run the show in exchange for using it.

- He died in a car explosion back in 1997. Here. I'll show you on Youtube.

- Yes he does. But the guy who plays him on TV is actually Simon Schmeckerbottom, a character actor from Toronto. The real Vince McMahon is a dwarf with an eye patch, so he's self-conscious about appearing on television.

 

Q:
-
Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake were brothers, right?

A:
-
- No. They're actually grandfather and grandson. Hulk fathered his first kid when he was four months old.

- I can't eat Beefcake. It gives me gas.

- That's a personal matter and I can't really talk about it.

- What? Actually, no. I think they're both white. 

 

Q:
-
Remember that WrestleMania with the Ultimate Warrior?

A:
-
- No. I was kicked in the head by a camel while vacationing in 1997 and I can't remember much of anything. Who are you?

- It's pronounced Wrestle-Mahhhhnya.

- Yes. That'll be $20.

- Your mom remembers WrestleMahnya.

-

Q:
-
I think I read something about Ric Flair in the paper?

A:
-

- No. Your reading skills are subpar at best.

- Yeah. He's the new Limousine riding, Jet-flying Czar.

- Ric Flair is my uncle, so watch what you say.

- That's so funny! Ric told me yesterday that he read something in the paper about YOU!

-

Q:

I heard the Hogans got divorced, right?

A:

- They never recovered after Valerie's car accident. Poor David, Mark, and Willie.

- Actually, Hulk and his wife both became so tan that they couldn't be in the same room with one another without giving off radioactive fumes. The government  forced them to get divorced. Shhh. It's a secret, though.

- WHAT?! NO!!!! AHHHHHH!

- Yeah. They did. But hey. Buck up. That doesn't mean they don't still love you.

 

Q:
-
Why do you watch that stuff?

A:

- Well, I'm talking to you, so obviously my standards aren't too high.

- Why do you ask questions about that stuff?

- I'm doing my thesis on Triple H's phallic obsession with sledgehammers.

- Your mom watches this stuff. Here. Look at what I'm pointing to. Yeah. This stuff. Bam.

 


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Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...

A

Sivi Afi
Aaron Aguliera
Skandar Akbar
Brent Albright
Ole Anderson
Road Warrior Animal
Tony "T.L. Hopper" Anthony

B

Buff Bagwell
Doug Basham
Paul Bearer
Giant Bernard
Big Daddy V
Eric Bischoff
Steve Blackman
Brian Blair
Tully Blanchard
Nick Bockwinkel
"The Boogeyman" Marty Wright
Bad News Brown
D-Lo Brown
"Jumping" Jim Brunzell
Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci
Bull Buchanan

C

Lance Cade
Christian
John Cena Sr.
Chaz "Headbanger Mosh"
Bryan "Adam Bomb" Clark
Rob Conway
Jim Cornette

Justin Credible

D

D-Ray 3000
Scott D'Amore
Christopher Daniels
Shawn Daivari
Dangerous Danny Davis
Dawn Marie
Damian Demento
Colin Delaney
Brother Devon
Demolition Ax
Demolition Smash
Bill DeMott
Ted DiBiase
J.J. Dillon
Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore
Disco Inferno
Spike Dudley

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Kenny Dykstra

E

Bobby Eaton
Paul Ellering

Armando Estrada

F

Manny Fernandez
Francine
Mr. Fuji
Dory Funk Jr.
Terry Funk

G

Greg Gagne
Ronnie Garvin
Jackie Gayda
Robert Gibson
Glacier
Sylvain Grenier
Tod Gordon
Zach Gowen
Juventud Guerrera

H

Chalie Haas
Chris Harris
Bruce Hart
Jimmy Hart
Diva Search's Jessica Hatch
Dave Hebner
Earl Hebner
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Jon Heidenreich
Christy Hemme
Hillbilly Jim
Molly Holly
The Honky Tonk Man
Tim Horner
Scotty 2 Hotty
Sam Houston

Mr. Hughes


I

The Iron Sheik
Ivory

J

B.G. James
Jazz
Ahmed Johnson
Judge Jeff Jones
Orlando Jordan

K


Kamala
Kid Kash
Kevin Kelly
Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney
Ron Killings
Cpl. Kirschner
Kizarny
Kevin Kleinrock
Brian Knobbs
Ivan Koloff

Nikita Koloff


L

Bobby Lashley
Bruno "Harvey Wippleman" Lauer
Jerry "The King" Lawler
"The Total Package" Lex Luger
Buschwhacker Luke

M

Rodney Mack
Magnum T.A.
Balls Mahoney
Dutch Mantell
Rick Martel
Clarence Mason
"Masterpiece" Chris Masters
Robbie McAllister
Rory McAllister
Matt Morgan
Ernest Miller
Missing Link
Father James Mitchell
Mo From Men on a Mission
Sean Mooney
Ricky Morton

Trevor Murdoch

N

Kevin Nash
Nidia

Nunzio

O

One Man Gang
Sonny Onoo
Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
Oscar From Men on a Mission
Fred "Typhoon/Tugboat/Shockmaster" Ottman
Pierre-Carl Ouellet

Outback Jack

P

Diamond Dallas Page
Ken Patera
Nick Patrick
Thunderbolt Patterson
Jim Powers
Tom Prichard
Ivan Putski

R

Harley Race
Baron Von Raschke
"The Yeti" Ron Reis
Rhino
Dustin Rhodes
Tommy Rich
Rikishi
Paul Roma
"Super Hero in Training" Rosie
Jacques Rougeau
Terri Runnels

Lance Russell


S

Samoa Joe
Bruno Sammartino
Samu
Tito Santana
Dan "The Beast" Severn
Ron Simmons
Elix Skipper
Slick
Tracey Smothers
Al Snow
Sim "Deuce" Snuka
Dennis Stamp
George "The Animal" Steele
Rick Steiner
Scott Steiner
Idol Stevens
The Stro
AJ Styles
Dave "Evad" Sullivan
Kevin Sullivan

T

Dave Taylor
Sylvester Terkay
ECW's Tiffany
Too Cold Scorpio

V

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Jimmy Valiant
Johnny Valiant
Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sid Vicious
Vito
Nikolai Volkoff


W

 

Y
David Young
Mae Young


Z

Larry Zybszko

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