| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com Tough Enough
Mallory's gone. She's done with you. She said you tried to hit on her and she wasn't having it. Either that or her schedule got a bit hectic and she needed to pass off this show. I like the first reason, but whatever. So who do they come to? Who do they want to bail them out? Who does my ungrateful, secretly Triple H-loving, Outback Jack interviewin', nephew run to for help? Me. Uncle Ralph. He has ever since this site opened and he will continue to come to me for help. You know why?
Seriously. Do you know why? I have no idea. I send him Christmas Cards and sign them, "Drop Dead." He still calls me. Friggin' pathetic, right? No wonder Mallory ran off.
So get this. I wanted to write up a fruity little intro for you marktastic dishrags. Sounds great, right? I called Guttman and go, "OK. I'll do it. But what's on NXT?" He goes, "I don't know. Jeopardy? It's almost 7 o'clock." So I go, "No, stupid. I mean NXT. You know, the show without the E." He goes, "There's no 'e' in the word show." So I go, "F**K YOU! I HATE YOU!"
So no little intro. Nothing to preview. All I know is that this is the show with rookies, old wrestlers' kids, and Low-Ki in his pajamas. Pass the pipe. I gotta get lit for this nonsense. - We kick off with some girl named Ashley. She's not a great announcer, but I wouldn't kick her out of my kitchen, if you know what I mean. She introduces the rookies. We're voting on them all.
Speaking of voting, I should open this up for a vote. I can't decide whether to call Titus O'Neil "Tight-Ass" or "Titties." They both work and make me laugh. If I didn't hate you people so much, I'd put a poll out there. Actually, I'll give you a pole. Giggidy.
The girl stumbles a bit about how voting works just in case you're not familiar with democracy. It's fecking painful to my ears. She tells us that she'll know who got the most votes and who got the least. The announcers hate her too. They both make comments about wanting to eliminate her. I think Michel Cole was using the word "eliminate" as a euphemism.
We then go to a Matt Striker keg challenge. The winner gets immunity. I hate anything that involves a keg and no drinking. It's stupid. The fans are bored. My glass is empty. Screw you, Matt Striker. You waste my time.
To open, "Silly Slutty" Michael McGillicutty loses in like a second because he drops it. Then he gives an awful promo about why he did.
Percy Watson fails to beat the record. He succeeds in coming off like Urkel.
Eli Peckerwood doesn't do it either.
Kaval refuses to do it because he's a wuss and would rather hurt himself in the ring than on the keg. Way to fit in, Mushmouth.
Tight-Ass Titty O'Neil and his homemade t-shirt falls over his own feet. It was the funniest shit I've seen all day. And I saw a lot of shit today.
Husky Harris doesn't beat the record because he dropped the keg. He also didn't beat the record because he can't run around the ring in 12 seconds even without a keg.
Alex Nowinski is up last and he bores me just like the others since I don't like watching races. I like watching wrestling. He doesn't beat Lucky either.
Lucky Cannon has immunity. I just like saying, "I got Lucky on Tuesday Night" when people ask who I'm pulling for.
Michael Cole hates you and hates his life. He talks. Josh Mathews talks. We move on to a Percy Watson ad and a commercial. I need a new paper bag and some more glue.
1-MVP pinned Husky Harris Ashley's a bad ring announcer too. She intros the next match. I like Husky Harris. I own a bunch of his jeans. He gives hope to guys like me. He's the Roy Nelson of WWE. Tough enough to be cool. Fat enough to be relatable. If they give him the gimmick of being poor, alcoholic, and mentally unbalanced, he'd be my soulmate. Poor Husky. He's got Cody Rhodes as his manager for this thing and Cody dresses like a cross between a leatherboy male stripper and Zod from Superman 2. Maybe that's why they don't get along. Maybe they don't get along because Dusty Rhodes is a tax cheat. Maybe they don't get along because Husky ate Cody's pants. That's where they are. That's why he's wearing a collared jacket with small black underwear. Creepy. Creepy, Cody. MVP gets his ass kicked for a while, which sort of sucks when you think of all the time he's been wrestling while Huzzy Harris has been in WWE for like four days. Towards the end of the match they start having a conversation in the ring that I'm supposed to ignore. So I do. Best part of the match was MVP calling for the crowd to cheer on his finisher, but they don't care. No one reacts. I've been in louder libraries than this. When MVP won, the crowd cheered because now we can move on to something that doesn't suck. - 2-Michael McGillicutty, Kaval, and Lucky Cannon beat Eli Cottonwood, Percy Watson, and Alex Riley
Low-Ki's wearing tights.
I don't know what happened.
I had to change the title of this report.
Thanks, Low Ki.
Thanks for f'n me up.
This match was that exhibition thing where the guys just show what they can do.
Alex Wright does some Irish Whips.
Eli Khali does his foot chokes.
Kaval does his X-Division stuff.
Everybody plays.
Everybody wins.
One thing that was cool was Percy Pringle and Peckerwood picking up Senshi and throwing him out of the ring by his limbs.
I did that once to a toddler at the McDonald's playground.
The kid was like, "Oh.
You can't play in here.
You're too big."
I said, "These are my balls."
Then, I grabbed him by the arms and legs and WHOOOSH.
Gone.
The kid stayed down.
Kabalah got right back up.
He jumped off the top rope, looks like he broke Alex P. Keaton's arm and got a pin.
I can't wait until WWE fires him just to piss off the Internet. That shit's gonna be epic.
Oh, there's breaking news from the
TNA tapings is that Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff aren't there.
Know why?
They're here getting trashed with me.
We're doing beer bongs.
BEER BONGS!
Back from commercial, Josh Matthews fights dragons for money.
Serious.
Video of Ricky Steamboat getting beat up by the NXT group.
Look Daddy.
Teacher says every time the NXTsus guys beat up everybody, an angel gets its wings.
They tell us the card for the Money in the Bang pay-per-view.
That way you know what you won't be seeing when you don't order it.
One more commercial and we find out who gets eliminated, which doesn't mean anything since they all end up getting to be part of a big group at the end anyway.
Matt Striker talks too much.
He takes an hour and a half to introduce the NXT Poll.
#1 - Kaval
#8-Titus O'Neil
Man I'm glad that I got in my Tight-Ass Titties jokes now.
They gives this guy a chance to promo his way out the door.
He gives us life advice.
Very inspirational words from the first guy to be eliminated from a C-List pseudo-reality show.
I shall take that advice to hear, Tight Ass.
Thank you.
I gotta go.
Bischoff is tapping the keg and Hogan is gonna hold me upside down.
Guttman wanted me to remind you that Paul Roma will be on Club Whatever it is with Glorious.
I like Paul.
I go out with him and tell people I'm Ric Flair.
They believe it too.
Whoooo!
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