A rabbi, a biker, and a fat old man walk into a bar.The bartender goes, "Can I help you fellas?" The biker doesn't say anything, but the fat old man goes, "F**k you, buttpaste."The bartender, obviously surprised, asks the man what he means.  The old man looks him right in the eye. ..and headbutts him between the eyes.

And that's why this week's report is being written from jail.   What? You thought I was telling you a joke?  Screw you.  I was telling you about my week.  Man.  The rabbi hasn't returned my calls for bail and the biker, well, I think he was just a drunk hallucination of mine.

So yeah. That's where I am.   My lawyer (who's been missing for months) hasn't bailed me out and, apparently, Lindsay Lohan is on her way to jail.  Not sure if it's the same one I'm in, but I figure there's a shot.  The best thing about being in jail with Lindsay Lohan is that Matt Dawgs ain't allowed to come here to bother me because she has that restraining order and everything.

So let's watch NXT. I only have an hour with the TV and I'm not willing to do what it takes to make the other guys give me extra time.

Matt Striker?  Matt damn near killed her.Ha. He's in the ring. He introduces all the pros including "Dashing" Cody Rhodes. I hope Dusty Rhodes doesn't have a third son, because WWE will want to fruit him up too. 

That Zack Ryder kid talks first.He says some stuff but he's a douchebag.So I'm over it.

John Morrison's all spacey tastey high and mighty. He grins and says some other stuff. I don't much care for men with Heather Locklear hair.

We waste another 9 hours with rookie intros.What the hell is the point of this?  They should make show called "WWE Intros." Spend the hour introducing people.  When they all get to the ring, end the show. The end. You don't have to worry about geeks timing match times.There ARE NO MATCH TIMES!It's only intros!  Goddamn, I'm money.

Striker does some talking with the kids. Then we swing to our immunity idol challenge. Everyone's got to do an improvised promo on a subject that Matt tells them at the last minute. Winner gets to host his own talk show on NXT. Buckle up. Damn, this is gonna suck.

Percy Watson - Glasses: He talks about the glasses he wears in the ring.  He has some big stupid reason that sounds better than, "I stole it from the Dudley Boys."

Kaval - Chicken: Something about being small and not being a chicken.  Aw.  Chicken Little.  Kaval is Chicken Little.  That's cute.  Like that dorky kid from American Idol a few years ago. 

Eli Cottonwood - Moustache:Terrible.  Awful.  Terrible.  Awful.  Terrible.  If people in the crowd had tomatoes, they'd have taken bites of them and then pulled out their guns to shoot him.

Michael McGillicuty - Breath: Finds a way to talk about his family. He should get a tattoo that says, "I have a talented family.  Please like me."

Husky Harris - Doorknob: Talks about his family. No one's following the rules.  I'm gonna write a letter to Titan Towers.

Lucky Cannon - Deodorant:   This kid's just a goof.   He rambles and begs people to "stay with me now".  No.  No I won't.

Alex Riley - Pigeon: Not "a pigeon."  Just "pigeon".  Riley calls himself a rooster and then calls everyone dorks.  Not good.

Winner - Percy Watson.Lets celebrate.  D-Von, get the tables.

1-Michael Magilla Cutty beat Pursey Watson Not only did Percy Watson keep those stupid Dudley glasses on during this match but their managers (Kofi/Cutty, MVP/Pursey) stood on the ring apron.  It was just stupid.  If they're not gonna try neither am I.  Look. This is me just slamming my hand on the keyboard  fhuyggslfdmsg,.ffriogj

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Tight Ass O'Neil went home but they still rip him apart anyway in a promo video.  They make fun of his bad promos and yellow teeth.  I swear to God.  They did.  Funny stuff.  Would suck for WWE if he kills himself.  Might take some of the ha-ha out of that one.

Eli Cottonwood gets a video. It's mostly nice.  They don't try to make him commit suicide like they did with the evicted guy.