Hello. Sorry this report is late. I do acid on Mondays.

Massive amounts of acid.

But I'm down now and drinking pretty heavily so let's cue up the VCR and watch the latest recording of Tough Enough. No one sells blank video tapes no more so I recorded over my second wedding.

Last week, they eliminated Miss USA. When I heard they were getting Miss USA, I thought she'd be hotter. It's not about hotness, I guess. It's about answering gay marriage questions and playing the clarinet or some shit. I'd still date her, though. "Date" is my new code word. I'm not going to divulge the true meaning of it, but let's just say I'd date the crap out of her. Repeatedly.

The show starts right away with a challenge. Bill DeMott, Trish, and Booker T are dressed like army people. Bill doesn't look like he's in the army though. He looks like one of those big fat dudes that wears camouflage at the bowling alley and tells you racist jokes. I'm not sure what the point of the challenge was. They were climbing hills or some crap like that. It felt like the point was to yell at the contestants. I'm all for that. Any hazing that doesn't involve sheep is a plus in my book. Maybe that's the next episode.

"Here. Date this sheep. Right in the mouth. You have ten minutes."

The highlight of the show was some blonde chick in short shorts trying to lift a bag up and run. You have to give me points for not saying "sack".

The crew comes back after the yelling run to see Rey Mysterio sitting in the ring wearing his little mask. I bet most of them thought he was a little kid who showed up early for trick or treating. I wish one of them would have walked over and given him a Kit Kat. I'd have laughed my ass off.

He tells them all how they need to work together to put on a good show. It's not just one, but all the Superstars who need to work together to entertain WWE fans. Well, everyone except for Curt Hawkins. They make him stay home.

After this, everyone takes turns slamming a weighted 70 pound sack. Skidmarks trips on the way into the ring and gets thrown out by Bill DeMott. So Skidmarks isn't allowed to lift Bill's sack. He's very frustrated because he really wants to bend down, grab hold of Bill's giant sack, lift it above his head, and slam it. Slam it hard. But he's not allowed. What a tease. Bill wants it. Look how he's dressed. All army'd up. He's practically begging to have his sack slammed by a Skidmark.

You can take your points back.

After this, the students are instructed to crisscross the ring. The blonde girl ended up getting hurt when the other chick didn't jump high enough for a leap frog. They called the medics in the ring to check on the blonde girl. Meanwhile, to show his disapproval Steve Austin slapped the other girl in the face and tossed her through a window.

Trish Stratus went to the house that night/day/morning/whenever the f**k and spoke to the girls about their collision. She told them that as women in wrestling, they need to step up in order to be taken seriously. I agree. I also think the three of them should kiss and rub turtle wax on each other.

Then John Salley shows up and makes all the Tough Enoughers play basketball against midgets. I guess you're not supposed to call them midgets. They were dwarfs. It's important not to confuse the two. That would be politically incorrect and in today's day and age, it's not right to offend people accidentally. You just need to remember that the difference between midgets and dwarfs is that one group has a whole line of their own pornography and the other group lives in a big cottage in the forest. There. You're welcome.

After that, Booker T had a mental breakdown and threatened to beat up Skidmarks. He ripped his shirt in the process. Good for Skid. Bill may not want him touching his sack, but Booker wants to rip his clothes off. Whole lotta dating in that kid's future. He won't be able to sit down for weeks.

They switch into another skills challenge where everyone has to do a series of spots. The women forgot how to jump. Austin said he couldn't tell what girl sucked worse. Too easy. At the end, Martin won his third straight skill challenge. Luke was mad and whined about it. He should eat some sardines, lick his cousin, and shut up. Woah! Yeah!

The bottom three wound up being Skidmarks, Luke, and Christina. Luke's a dick. Christina is pointless. Skidmarks sucks. That's the theme. Skidmarks goes home. I'm not sure where he lives. I'm guessing underwear.

Well. That's it. I'm off to go pee in my neighbors recycling bin.  That's what I do. It's fun. Now date off.