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Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Intercontinental Champion Goldust
By James E. Couture
Aug 30, 2007 - 10:03 AM

Folks, it's the frontman of an Ok, Go! cover band called "Sure, Begin;", me, James E. Couture. Thanks to the wonder of Netflix, I can watch almost any WWE DVD I want without having to committ to buy. It was by this wonderful convention that I came across a pretty durn good one, The Most Powerful Families In Wrestling. Aside from a segment about Grandmaster Sexay longer than I thought was legally permissible, it also covered some of wrestling's greatest dynasties. One of these dynasties was the Rhodeses. With patriarch Dusty, and young gun Cody, somewhere in between was Goldust, Intercontinental Champion!

We begin in 1995. A creepy, gold painted, movie obsessed, androgynous, uh, guy was tearing through the undercard like Michael Vick through an animal shelter (Oooh! Topical!). After besting legends like the late great Bam Bam Bigelow and late for his court date Marty Jannetty, Goldust had his sights set on a goldbelt, and the man it was wrapped around, Razor Ramon.

It started with a letter, and escalated with flowers and a rendez vous in a Minnesota airport (Topical times two, bitches!). Tired of thes duplicitous amorous advances, Razor faced Goldust at the 1996 Royal Rumble for the Intercontinental Championship. With his director Marlena and usher Ran-Dum Gai at his side, and thanks to some timely interference by the 1-2-6Pac-Kid, Goldy pulled out the big one and won the title. Razor's efforts to beat Goldust off had blown up in his face.

"C'mon, that's a pretty cheap laugh. That's even easier than Paris Hilton at a USC frat party!"
    -Jay Leno, "Kaufman to Carey: Comedy's Greatest Wrestlers", WWE Home Video, 2006

Goldust would continue his bizarre reign by losing to Roddy Piper, Ultimate Warrior, and The Undertaker on Pay Per View, but not lose the title. Unfortunately, he would succumb to Ahmed Johnson, but could you blame him? He would be just the first (and pretty much only) victim of the Johnson Express.

Also note that because WWE could not use words like "heck" or "doo-doo", "bizarre" is code for "gay".

Well, until C.M. Punk wins the ECW title and decides to go by his birth name, Charlie Michael Bolton, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Remember the name!