Click Here For Part One

Folks, when the chips are down, it’s your quilted quicker chipper picker upper, me, James E. Couture. Now, guys and other guys, last week I left you hanging like that guy from “Suddenly Susan” (what, too soon?) on the matter of Triple H, World Heavyweight Champion. Well I like to finish what I started, so I’d be re-friggin’-miss if I didn’t present you with Triple H, World Heavyweight Champion, Part Deux!

When last we left General Hambrose Hearst Helmside, he had dispatched of the former 56 time WCW Tag Team Champion Booker T at WrestleMania 19. Apparently Triple could in fact dig “that”. Since HHH’s matches with Booker T and Scott Steiner were such arousing successes, it seemed fit to line up another aging former WCW Champion to challenge “The Game”.

Kevin Nash was itching for competition. Having torn his quadriceps executing wrestling’s most feared maneuver, walking (in Japan it’s called a “Dragon Walk”), Big Daddy Sexy Cool had a year of pent up aggression penting up like nobody’s business. Shockingly, the only body parts injured during his matches with Triple H were fans’ brains, something akin to an ice cream headache. The two even had a Hell in a Cell match that somehow topped the greatness of Undertaker-Bossman from WrestleMania 15: Phone It In With 10-10-220.

Somewhere in between Triple H took on aging former WCW Champion Ric Flair, and Triple was somehow able to upset the Nature Boy, handing Slick Ric his biggest upset loss since he was stunned by The Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels, heck, pretty much anybody except the Hurricane.

Misregardless, Triple H pressed on, and resentment was growing. The consternatious Tag Team Title reign by RVD and Kane (rhymage!), and loss to the greatest tag team of all time, La Resistance, led to Kane being forced to prove himself in a Mask v Title match. With the only thing hiding his burned, well, scarred……um, oddly shaven head, and, in fact, his whole identity on the line, surely somehow Kane would pull out the big one and end Triple H’s title reign.

Nah, I wasn’t buying that one, either.

With a leg injury (really, who’d’ve guessed?) forcing Triple H to wear some long bicycle shorts (huh?), hHh lasted an epic few seconds in an Elimination Chamber match, eliminating Goldberg with a sledgehammer shot. There were other dudes involved too, but Punisher-look Kevin Nash barely merits mention, kinda like that whole movie.

So, finally, it came down to Triple H and aging former WCW Champion (I don’t even get commission for use of that term) Goldberg. Apparently a sledgehammer is no match for a jackhammer and spear, and ‘Berg added some more “H”’s to scorecard, which already included Hollywood/Hulk Hogan (Hardcore Holly…..YOU’RE NEXT!). Finally, after 9 months, nine months which undermined Scott Steiner’s return (maybe) and Booker T’s main event push (probably) and begin the decline in Kane’s awesomeness (though Triple H probably didn’t make him get a gut), after nine months of “methodical” and “cerebral” offense, finally, it was all over.

For a few months, anyway.

And that’s why I’ll never really forgive Triple H.

Well, until Mr. Kennedy drops his current schtick for a new gimmick, Ken “Whoops, I Screwed Everything Up Again………..Again” Kennedy, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Hey, am I the only one glad Sean Kingston brought back that totally awesome UB40 style sugary sweet pop reggae sound?