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Couture's Championship Profiles: WWE Cruiserweight Champion Matt Hardy V.1
By James E. Couture
Jul 12, 2007 - 9:34 AM

Folks, it's the inventor of corrective lenses for hindsightedness, me, James E. Couture. Now, on SmackDown!, Matt Hardy has been on a meteoric rise, recently besting United States Champion MVP and consistently garnering the "Last Name" chants that elude so many others. But there was a time when Matt Hardy drew the ire, and not the adulation, of the fans. At that same time, Shannon Moore was still quite lame. Yes, it's Matt Hardy, Version 1.0, Cruiserweight Champion!

Early 2003 was a time of wonder and merriment in the WWE-scape. Brock Lesnar was on a collision course with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania, and Scott Steiner...well, it was good to see him again. After Matt Hardy dumped his brother in late '02, Vee-one-ah was in full (side) effect.

"I was glad to see him go. I was finally free to explore the parameters of splashing ultraviolet paint on yourself and really connect with my Peroxwhy?nation"
         -Jeff Hardy, "Sears Catalog: Cut Pantyhose Arm Warmers (p. 88)", 2004

Hardy needed a belt, though. Realizing that his Mattitude Follower Shannon Moore was too weak and girly to pursue the Tag Team Titles, and that the U.S. Title didn't exist yet, he was lost. He couldn't pursue the WWE Title because Lesnar had that position in a Brock Lock, plus he's Matt Hardy. That left one: the Cruiserweight Championship.

But despite being kind of undersized most of his career, he was still apparently too big to make the oft-mentioned 220 pound weight limit. To make it would take drastic measures.

Luckily his MFer, and actual cruiserweight, Shannon, was there to give him tips on how to be small. According to Pulitzer-aware broadcast journalist Tazz, Matt lost the weight with "BJ", or banana juice, "Tea Bagging", or some act with green tea, and a steamed guava-avacado-yam drink known as "Hot G.A.Y. Sex on the Beach". Eventually he lost the weight, or, y'know, maybe they just said he did. You know how it goes.

Billy Kidman never stood a chance. At No Way Out, the reigning Cruiserweight Champion entered with little hype, as it often goes with Cruiserweight Champs. After a "comme si, comme ca" match and a totally dope 2nd rope Twist of Fate, Matt Hardy was Cruiserweight Champion.

What proceeded was a totally precedent ho-hum title reign, bookended by two historic matches with Rey Mysterio. I say "historic" because the matches were both for the Cruiserweight Championship AND worth paying attnention to. The former was the opener of WrestleMania 19: It's Better Than The Mariners, Anyway, and the latter marked the first, and barring some sort of Jimmy Wang Yangamania, ONLY time the Cruiserweight Title was defended in the main event of SmackDown!. Matt Hardy, though, went down as the first Cruiserweight Champ to lose in the main event. Of course, Version 1.0 would go on to also lose to a one legged guy and thusly jump to Raw to be with Lita, where they lived happily ever after...for a year at least.

Well, until Salvation Army and Netflix collaborate on some sort of Pants Rental program (Pleated Khakis Now in Queue Position 58), I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

Jim Facts: Jim made Dean's List at The University of Southern Maine Jim hates mayonnaise