Couture's Championship Profiles: Ode To WWE U.S. Champion John Bradshaw Layfield

Couture's Championship Profiles: Ode To WWE U.S. Champion John Bradshaw Layfield

Folks, it's James E. Couture
And I'm beset by laziness,
Being too damn busy,
And a general mental haziness.
What I'm trying to say
Is that I'm strapped for time,
So this week's Champ Profile
Is just a cheesy rhyme.
It's the tale of a man
And the country that makes his panties damp.
That's right, it's John "Bradshaw" Layfield,
The United States Champ!

By 2006,
JBL was reelin';
When it came to title gold,
He lost that winnin' feelin'.
Losing to Boogeyman at the Rumble
Is where he bottomed out.
He needed a big win
To regain his SmackDown! clout.
Mysterio had his 'Mania title match,
With Orton shoehorned in,
So JBL's only choice was
To be U.S. Champion.
At WrestleMania 22
There was a major cataclysm,
And the ensuing match
Was stiffer than priapism.
JBL won the belt
Named for Vespucci-comma-Amerigo,
And had to cheat to beat that guy,
The Chris who's not named Jericho.

With the red, white, blue, and gold
Strapped around his waist
SmackDown! was set for a reign
With a more Republican taste.
First up was immigration,
But Mexican's needn't fear
As JBL was the only one
Not to pin Mysterio that year.
JBL, again reeling,
From another World Title match loss
Ran into Bobby Lashley,
SmackDown!'s latest "hoss".
In a crazy short match
With a spear Bradshaw was done,
And guess what, so am I.
In all it's been pretty fun.

Well, until Apple invents some new homeless,
Tentatively named the "iPoor",
I am, in fact, as always, the one James E. Couture.

And unlike OTHER columnists, I won't jerk you around. I AM coming down from my ivory tower up in Lisbon, Maine, and going to Madison Square Garden to see Raw, and you'll get Saturday Night's Main Event spoilers out of my cold, dead hands. God forbid you have to actually WATCH wrestling, not just bitch about it. Besides, you should watch SNME, so that you might see my totally rockin' "Great Khali (fabulous he)" sign.

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